Thursday, July 14, 2005

FLASHBACK: Debauchery finds its home in Key West

Each Thursday, I will post "flashbacks," articles written when I was in college and actually funny. The following unaltered column was originally published April 1, 1998 in The Red & Black in Athens, GA.

Vacations and I don't get along. We never have.

The past few months of my life have included painful, yet solid, trips to Tennessee, Florida and New York, some of them recounted in columns such as this. Spring Break '98 was no different: a lot of fun mixed in with some terrifyingly messed-up stuff.

My brother Justin (Golden Pantry Guy, you may remember) moved from Athens to Key West in September, and that seemed to be a perfect destination for my break. Free room and board never hurts.

A regular column, though, can't do the ups and downs of my trip justice. In a daringly stupid move, I've decided to write my first play.

"Key West: Spring Break Revisited," by Josh Massey

Setting: Fort Lauderdale Airport.

AIRPORT GUY: Sorry, but your connecting flight has been delayed for a year and a half. We must put you in a car, drive you to Miami and then fly you to Key West. Sorry for the inconvenience.

JOSH: Bite me.

Setting: Josh and Friends have met at the Key West apartment of Justin. The crew consists of Josh, fellow University students Dave and Ben, high school friends Dennis and Lexie, and Lexie's very cute friends Jen and Marette. (Josh is the only person with a significant other, so all scenes focusing on his friends hitting on members of the opposite sex while he sits around bored have been deleted). Justin's strange roommates, Irishman Tom and couch-dweller Kevin, are avoided by the crew at all costs. They travel to Mulcahy's Tavern.

JOSH: Boy, it's great to be in Key West. It's sunny and beautiful.

DAVE: And this bar is great. Cheap drinks. Lots of 'em.

DENNIS: Look at that drunk girl! She's dancing on the bar topless!

(Enter half-naked girl with extremely large breasts).

DAVE (dropping his beer): My God! She's deformed!

Setting: It's Oscar night, and Justin hasn't paid his cable bill. Instead of playing drinking games with friends, Josh sets off in search of a TV. He finds an Oscar party at Diva's, the gayest bar in a string of Key West gay bars.

JOSH: I'm glad I'm not afraid of homosexuals.

GAY PEOPLE: Come in! Join us!

BILLY CRYSTAL: And now presenting the next Oscar, Madonna.

GAY PEOPLE: You go girl!

JACK LEMMON: And the Oscar goes to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck!

GAY PEOPLE: My God, they're gorgeous!

JOSH (at the bar): I'd like an Amaretto Sour I mean, um, a shot of whiskey! Two of 'em! (whispering) I hope that's manly enough.

Setting: The entire group signs up for a snorkeling trip. Beer aboard the boat is free.

JOSH (stretching out his arms at the very front of the fast-moving boat, after roughly a dozen beers): I'm the king of the world!

DAVE: That's not funny, Josh.

JOSH: I'm the king of the world!

DENNIS: Sit down, Josh. You're embarrassing us.

JOSH: Woo-hoo! I'm the king of the world! Get it? It's from "Titanic!"

BOAT LADY: More beer?

JOSH: Hell yes!

Setting: After the fun snorkeling journey, the group sets off for some deep-sea fishing. A four-hour tour.

JOSH: Boy, this is fun.

DENNIS: Look, I caught an eel.

JOSH: Um, this is getting less fun (clutches his stomach).

JEN (clutching her stomach): Yeah, you're right. I'm getting sea-sick.

CAPTAIN: Only three hours of rough, choppy water left!

JOSH and JEN: Ugh

Setting: Mere hours after fishing, Josh and Jen have recovered and the group wisely decides to play drinking games.

JUSTIN: I'm glad you all had a bad time today, because I wasn't there. I have to work every day at Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffett's restaurant. I don't want you having fun without me.

MARETTE: Shut up and drink, boy! You're the three-man (author's note: Three-Man was the drinking game of choice).

LEXIE: Hey, isn't that strange roommate Tom coming in the door right now?

TOM: Ooh boy, it's four in the morning, and I'm coming home drunk. I think I'll urinate in the toilet.

DENNIS: Why is he urinating on the kitchen floor?

MARETTE: He thinks it's the toilet.

TOM: I like urinating in the toilet. (He passes out face-down in his own urine on the kitchen floor. The group erupts with laughter).

Dave and Josh wake up early to catch a plane. They're going home after a fun-filled and sickening week.

JOSH: To get to the shower, I have to walk through the den. So I'll do that oh my gosh!

KEVIN: I'm Kevin, Justin's other strange roommate. Instead of sleeping at 6:30 in the morning, I'm engaging in a hardcore pornographic act on the den couch with a stranger. Hint: 70 minus 1.

JOSH: I think I'm going to be sick!

DAVE: Let's go home, Josh! I don't think we're ready for Key West.


(2005 addendum: Yes, that's the worst ending to any column I ever wrote. Sorry, Dave).


Lydia said...

Wow that was funny.

DAve said...

The thing about that last line is it would've worked better on TV - where I deliver the line with all of us standing around then we all start doing that group-bouncing-head-laugh they always did at the end of Scooby Doo.