Tuesday, August 30, 2005

You think he ever gets laid?

The girl loses me a bit calling USC "the most fanatical football school in the world" - she's obviously never been east of the Mississippi - but this article speaks very well as to why Matt Leinart is still playing college ball.

Oh yeah, and the real "most fanatical football school in the world" kicks off in under four short days. Against these monsters of the gridiron.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Luke Perry needs the work too, ya know...

If you weren't already convinced Domino is going to be the coolest movie of 2005, check the cast listing below the poster's title.

No, I'm not talking about Christopher Walken. Or Lucy Liu. Or even Dabney Coleman, though that is admittedly very cool. No, just keep looking...

Closeted DJs and blond mullets are going to be so the rage this year. Yet again.

Afterthought: Seeing the supporting credits are in alphabetical order, do you think Brian Austin Green gave some very serious thought to dropping "Green" from his name? I can see that inner dialogue going on. "Dude, like, maybe 'Brian Green Austin' really is the way to go. 'Brian Austin' does sound good, like maybe a wrestler. A sweaty, undulating wrestler. In tight shorts. I wonder if Keira can introduce me to Orlando Bloom." Yep, it probably went a lot like that - just with a lisp.

Home is where the $%#@ is

On my grand list of "places to go before I die," the Egyptian pyramids and the Great Barrier Reef have always occupied the #1 and #2 slots.

I've just found #3. Just for the T-shirt. Preferably one with the story's first quote printed on it.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Dawn of a season

Bow down to the unstoppable force of Asian Dawn. You've read about them in Time Magazine, no?

Asian Dawn is the latest in a long line of stellar Fantasy Football teams managed by me, Coach Josh Massey. Though the league draft isn't until Tuesday night, Asian Dawn is fully expected to carry on the winning tradition of Coach Massey's other football and baseball powerhouses: Get to the Choppah, Moustache Ride, Cooler Kings, Chicken & White Bitches, Ravenous Mules, Moscone's Bail Bonds, Mid-World Gunslingers, and Crimson Kings, among others.

Fellow fantasy nerds: Who would you take with the first pick? I think LaDainian Tomlinson is a clear-cut number one, but is this going to be the first year you could successfully argue a quarterback (Peyton, of course) in that spot?

Honestly, I hope this isn't even a problem because I'd much rather have the number 8 pick, grab a Willis McGahee, and then have pick 13 (rather than having number 1 and then having to wait until 20 to make a second selection).

Ok, enough of that. Don't you just smell the football in the air, though? The last three weeks have been like an agonizing drawn-out Christmas Eve night for me,... UGA kicks off in seven days, the Falcons just after that, and this will finally be the year I get money from my bookie, not the other way around. Seriously.

Why does the word "heights" still make me think of that bad Jamie Walters show?

I love the Grand Canyon - been there a couple of times, done the whole Kevin Kline/Danny Glover "man, this really puts things in perspective" bullshit. But I'm not sure this would be my thing.

While I love to consider myself a fairly brave guy, two things turn me into a quivering 9-year-old girl: extreme heights and alligators (and it does pain the UGA fan in me to admit that). So Joe Rogan, take note: if you ever get me on your show, gator wrestling on this glass-bottomed monstrosity might make for some good TV.

... Actually, on second thought, sex on this thing would be quite interesting, no?

Friday, August 26, 2005

Friday Random 10: Judgment Day

Blogging has been wretched this week, and I apologize. It's my third official week as a 5th grade teacher, and there actually is some responsibility involved. The brochure said nothing about this, of course.

1) U2, "Hawkmoon 269"
2) Tupac Shakur, "Hit 'Em Up"
3) Guns N' Roses, "November Rain"
4) Pearl Jam, "Thin Air"
5) U2, "J.Swallow"
6) Ryan Adams, "Amy"
7) Avril Lavigne, "My World"
8) Macy Gray, "I've Committed Murder"
9) Prince, "Alphabet Street"
10) Public Enemy, "How to Kill A Radio Consultant"

Yes, I like Avril Lavigne - take your snotty comments and shove 'em up ya peehole. And does my sister qualify for No. 10? Not that I want to kill her, but it's a concept worth holding onto.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Maybe he can arrange a jihad against that deviant infidel (and BF STeAleR!!!1!!1) Lindsay Lohan

I've run a business on eBay for over six years now, and some of my potential customers still fascinate the hell out of me. This is an e-mail I got today, from eBay user "hilary-duff-rox."

Item: CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN Hilary Duff, Tom Welling PRESS KIT (7539739108)
hilary-duff-rox is a potential buyer.

"How much does it cost to ship to Kuwait?"

Say what you will, but I love the idea of some guy sitting in Kuwait blasting Duff's CD, watching "Lizzie McGuire" bootleg DVDs while sitting in his hand-painted Agent Cody Banks chair, surrounded by Duff-adorned wallpaper that covers his mother's old paintings of Muhammad and the Crown Prince.

Of course, this could easily explain why al-Qaeda hates us.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Friday Random 10: Bud the Chud

Gotta run to the Braves game, but I always have time for my Friday Random 10.

1) U2, "Please (Live From Rotterdam)"
2) Prince, "Let's Go Crazy"
3) Genesis, "Land of Confusion"
4) Outkast, "Y'All Scared"
5) Tupac Shakur, "Me Against the World"
6) Hootie & the Blowfish, "Lean on Me (Live)"
7) Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, "Requiem, K. 626; Lacrymosa"
8) Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, "Rainbow Connection"
9) Frente, "Bizarre Love Triangle"
10) Moby, "Lift Me Up"

The most eclectic Random 10. Ever.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

What we need here is an eminent ass-kicking

From The Fairfield Weekly, re: Kelo v. New London (edited a bit, to save you from some fairly shitty writing):

The U.S. Supreme Court recently found that the city's original seizure of private property was constitutional under the principal of eminent domain, and now New London is claiming that the affected homeowners were living on city land for the duration of the lawsuit and owe back rent...

In some cases, their debt could amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars. Moreover, the homeowners are being offered buyouts based on the market rate as it was in 2000...

Matt Dery and his neighbors in Fort Trumbull learned that the city planned to replace their homes with a hotel, a conference center, offices and upscale housing that would complement the adjoining Pfizer Inc. research facility.

The city, citing eminent domain, condemned their homes, told them to move and began leveling surrounding houses. Dery and six of his neighbors fought the takeover, but five years later, on June 23, ...the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the city could claim the property for economic development...

The New London Development Corp., the semi-public organization hired by the city to facilitate the deal, is offering residents the market rate as it was in 2000, as state law requires...

In June 2004, NLDC sent the seven affected residents a letter... In the letter, lawyers argued that because the takeover took place in 2000, the residents had been living on city property for nearly five years, and would therefore owe rent for the duration of their stay at the close of the trial...

NLDC's lawyers wrote, "We know your clients did not expect to live in city-owned property for free, or rent out that property and pocket the profits, if they ultimately lost the case." They warned that "this problem will only get worse with the passage of time," and that the city was prepared to sue for the money if need be...

An NLDC estimate assessed Dery for $6,100 per month since the takeover, a debt of more than $300K. One of his neighbors, case namesake Susette Kelo, who owns a single-family house with her husband, learned she would owe in the ballpark of ($57,000).

Why don't you let those absolute gutter shitbags in New London know what you think?

CEO of the New London Development Corporation, David Goebel
Phone: (860) 447-8011
Fax: (860) 447-3833

Officers of the Board of Directors:

Michael W. Joplin, President
(860) 526-0006
AME Development

Ronald W. Nossek
(860) 678-6000
Kostin Ruffkess & Company, LLC.

Karl-Erik Sternlof, Esq.
1st Vice President
(860) 889-3321
Brown Jacobson.

Samayla D. Deutch, Esq.
Second Vice President
(212) 629-3981
Open Space Institute, Inc.

T'ain't that the truth

"Every decade has had some taint."

- Commissioner Bud Selig, downplaying the longterm effects of the current steroids problem in baseball

Irrational thinking for irrational times

I couldn't be happier with the American left's choice of its new spokesperson.

For the second straight Presidential election, the White House is going to be on a silver platter for the Democrats. And for the second straight Presidential election, they're going to do their best Tiki Barber impersonation.

Monday, August 15, 2005

It's no worse than George Lucas's original dialogue...

I would guess the most pirated movie of 2005 is Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith.

Here are screenshots, in fact, of an illegal copy bought on the streets of China. Interestingly enough, the film was apparently dubbed in Chinese, but then translated back to English for the purpose of subtitles.

The re-translation was apparently done by drunk illiterates. Who are also hard-of-hearing. And seven years old.

I'm feeling a sudden urge to kick it...

Where is Byron Allen when you need him?

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Maybe he'll go to Troy State...

So the Atlanta Journal-Constitution asked their "Super 11" high school football players to pose as their favorite movie character.

The Unintentional Comedy Scale surrenders.

Friday, August 12, 2005


All to often, people my age (no, I'm not 30 - yet) complain about the demise of their childhood. I tend to stay away from that, only because I probably enjoy the present more than the past.

This, however, causes me to take a step back.

Six Flags was a huge part of my youth, and to see its second-best marquee ride (Scream Machine being the first, of course) close up shop is a little bit sad - especially since it opened the year I was born.

This weekend, pour a little bit out for the Great Gasp, that's all I'm asking.

Friday Random 10: The Season of the Witch

Ok, so I'm already have a little bit of margarita-buzz from my after work activities, but that's no reason the Friday Random 10 can't work its psychic magic.

1) Trey Parker, "America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)"
2) U2, "Mofo (Phunk Phorce Mix)"
3) The Doors, "The End"
4) Eminem, "Encore/Curtains Up"
5) R. Kelly, "Ignition (Remix)"
6) Green Day, "Reject"
7) Survivor, "Eye of the Tiger"
8) Outkast, "Good Day, Good Sir"
9) Al Green, "Let's Stay Together"
10) Old 97's, "Lonely Holiday"

Honestly, I'm a bit too drunk to analyze it. Have at it, but please stay away from the R. Kelly/elementary school teacher connection.

Dropping the Deuce

When I woke up this morning, the air just seemed a little fresher. The birds were chirping a beautiful song just outside my window, calling to me to wake up - wake up! - and enjoy this gorgeous day the Lord has created especially for me. I stepped out of my bed, to find the floor felt like feathers upon my feet. My trusty dog fetched my newspaper, my eyes opened wide, and I thought, "What is it about today that feels so perfect?"

And then I remembered: today is the opening day of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo! Huzzah!

There are many writers out there who serve only to remind me I pretty much suck. Roger Ebert is one of them. Now ol' Rog and I don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but his review of said Deuce makes me a bit jealous. I wish I could write like this.

The movie created a spot of controversy last February. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.

But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

Succinct. To the point. Classy.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

A Jennifer Aniston item that doesn't mention Brad (except in the headline)

Just what the hell is everybody looking at in this poster? It certainly isn't Jennifer Aniston, as les artistes de publicité would have us believe.

Kevin Costner is staring off into space, his line-of-sight at least five feet behind Aniston. Mark Ruffalo is so focused on the back of Shirley MacLaine's head, a naked Jessica Simpson picture must be taped there (and don't hold me to it, but I think he has at least one hand down his own pants). MacLaine is trying to figure out what the hell Costner is so fixated on, but slowly realizing she doesn't give a shit.

Yeah, though, the movie'll probably be great and all that.

They grow up so fast...

Very interesting news today from the MPAA:

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire (2005)
Warner Bros. Pictures Inc.
Rated PG-13 for sequences of fantasy violence and frightening images.

PG-13,... wow. Serious credit goes to Warner Bros. and director Mike Newell for realizing the stories do gradually move away from the kiddie stuff. Of course, you could chalk it up to the influence of the Dark Lord Satan upon J.K. Rowling and her minions.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

THE FALL GUY: 10 movies that might not suck

The summer movie season has entered its quick fade, with the Steven Spielbergs and Ridley Scotts of the world being replaced by the Steve Boyums and Bruce Hunts (no, seriously - they sound like gay porn stars, but in fact they're the heralded auteurs behind the upcoming classics Supercross and The Cave).

Truth be told, I've always been a fall moviegoer anyway. I enjoyed the hell out of Batman Begins and War of the Worlds, but looking back at my favorite movies of the last 10 years, a solid majority came out in the October-December months.

With this in mind, here's a look at the 10 most exciting titles from now until the apple falls in Times Square. There are a few very notable exceptions - I'm not including The Aristocrats, because it has already been released in other parts of the country (it would easily be No. 1 on my list). King Kong is missing, because the trailer was awful, and I am still feeling a bit of a Peter Jackson/Lord of the Rings backlash. As for prestige titles like Jarhead, All the King's Men, Memoirs of a Geisha and Syriana, I just haven't seen any posters or trailers to whet my appetite. They could move up the list before too long.

1) Domino (Oct. 11) - It even surprises me this lands in the No. 1 spot, but I can't get over my love of Tony Scott's Man on Fire, which somehow gets better each time I see it (yes, I voted for Bush). This is his follow-up, and seems to be a stylistic companion piece, using the same erratic cuts and washed out lighting that only Scott and Steven Soderbergh seem to get away with. And Keira Knightley ain't a bad lookin' woman.

2) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Nov. 18) - I wish I could use my teaching gig as an excuse for reading the Harry Potter books, but I started them long before I considered this profession. I've read all six, seen all three movies, and consider Goblet of Fire to be the best story of the bunch. For the life of me, though, I can't figure out how they're going to condense the sprawling story into 150 minutes.

3) Munich (Dec. 23) - Opening on the annual date of the Massey Christmas Party, Steven Spielberg's terrorist drama goes right up against another gritty tale of international intrigue - Cheaper By the Dozen 2, starring Steve Martin and Hilary Duff. It's going to be a tough call, but I'll probably opt for the party, then the story of the assassination of the Isreali Olympic team and its vengeful aftermath. One red flag: screenwriter Tony Kushner is a Marxist blowhard, loudly against any military response to 9/11 - and now he's penning a tale of a country's retaliation against Arab terrorists? If he enters his own roll-over-and-play-dead mentality into the film's themes, it'll be a preachy bore.

4) Elizabethtown (Oct. 11) - The trailer doesn't really jump at me - it seems a little too cutesy, and Orlando Bloom is actually prettier than Kirsten Dunst - but Cameron Crowe has not made a bad movie yet. And yes, I'm even including Vanilla Sky, which I actually consider better than Jerry Maguire and Almost Famous (and yes, I realize I'm the only one).

5) Rent (Nov. 11) - Ok, I know movie watchdogs are saying this movie is years too late, and any relevance it had was firmly squashed long before Team America: World Police so savagely parodied it. But as far as I know... well, that's sort of the point. I don't know, because I've never seen the play, and had never even heard the supposedly famous "Seasons of Love" song until the first trailer (which hooked me). I'm Rent-stupid, which means I'm an uncultured, unhip rube when it comes to the NYC types. Hey, but "stupid" is only a condition of your surroundings - I bet them damn yankees are totally lost during The Dukes of Hazzard.

6) Roll Bounce (Sept. 23) - What the world needs now - uh, is a roller-skating movie called Bow Wow? Why this wasn't released in the summer is a question for the ages. Check the trailer out here. Maybe it's the song - Ok, I think it definitely is the song - that makes this seem like a light, breezy flick to see during the warmer months. It'll likely die in late September, but it will get my eight bucks. I dig the vibe, behbay. (P.S.: I'm referring to the teaser trailer, which works much better than the new one).

7) Everything Is Illuminated (Sept. 16) - It's really the poster image that grabs my attention; the trailer only serves to draw me in a little further. Elijah Wood has handled his post-Lord of the Rings career very well, balancing small roles in quirky studio films (Sin City, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) with leads in even quirkier indies like this one. Incidentally, this is the directorial debut of actor Liev Schreiber.

8) Get Rich or Die Tryin' (Nov. 11) - I have to give prizzops to 50 Cent for following Eminem's 8 Mile example - instead of breaking out in some paint-by-numbers action fluff (DMX, I'm looking at you), he pairs up with director Jim Sheridan, usually known for more subdued European fare like In America, In the Name of the Father and My Left Foot. Believe it or not - and I'm heavily leaning toward "not" - some pundits believe Fiddy has a shot at a Best Actor nomination.

9) Lord of War (Sept. 16) - I've been a long believer in an Academy Award for "Best Ad Campaign," and though that doesn't appear on the horizon, the marketers behind Lord of War should be patting themselves on the back. The trailer is pretty hilarious, but it's really the poster that grabs me - you might not be able to tell with the small image above, but Cage's image (he's playing an arms dealer) is fashioned entirely out of bullets. As long as there's no overzealous anti-gun message undercut into the film (and there doesn't appear to be), this should be a great time.

10) Waiting (Sept. 23) - It's easy to envision the pitch meeting for this one. "It's Office Space in a restaurant!" And, well, that's about it - but the trailer is pretty hilarious. For anybody who's worked in customer service, this could hit very close to home (I have no restaurant history, but I believe three years at a movie theater concession stand qualifies me). Ok, yes, it's stupid - and I'm picking it over new films from Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm), David Cronenberg (The History of Violence) and Terrence Malick (The New World) ... but it's my list, so suck on it. (Trust me, if Grimm wasn't getting horrible advance buzz, it would be near the top of the list).

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Most sensational, inspirational, celebrational

Statler and Waldorf were reviewing movies, and I didn't know about it? How did this get past me?

By the way, one of the interesting features of Netflix is the "Friends List." If you so choose, you can let certain people see what movies you have checked out, what's in your queue, your ratings of past rentals, etc. It's an absurd amount of information, really.

Has it affected what movies I rent, knowing I might open myself up for ridicule? Will I once again sneak Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles into my home, when I might hear about it for years? (Hey, the first one was good - lighting could have struck twice!).

Well, with a little hesitancy, I did rent The Muppet Show: Season 1 yesterday. Just after sending me into self-conscious doubt, though, the Friends List saved me - because Meimi also has it in her queue. Of course, she'll first have to return her current rentals - The Journey of Natty Gann and The Secret of N.I.M.H. - to get it.


Tuesday Random 10: The Deadly Art of Illusion

My iPod has been locked in my brother's car for the past few days, thus last week's Friday Random 10 never appeared. And the gnashing of teeth, wailing of virgins, and blood-curdling screams commenced, from the highs of Denver penthouses to the lows of Challenger Deep mountaintops - the absence of Friday Random 10 was affecting the planet's very orbit, and there was only one thing I could do. A Tuesday Random 10.

This is a one-time only affair, kiddies. Don't get used to this midweek treat, but Mr. Massey is feeling particularly kind. If only because I'm completely shot after my first two days of teaching. I feel like I'm in a George Romero movie.

1) U2, "With or Without You"
2) Van Halen, "Poundcake"
3) U2, "Electrical Storm"
4) Peter Gabriel, "Solsbury Hill (Live)"
5) Velvet Underground, "Heroin"
6) Tupac Shakur, "Hail Mary"
7) Passengers, "Miss Sarajevo"
8) Bruce Springsteen, "Living Proof"
9) R.E.M., "Texarkana"
10) Hootie & the Blowfish, "Goodbye Girl"

Thank goodness a teaching-related Random 10 doesn't have anything questionable - I mean, other than heroin, which is hardly questionable to begin with. I'd honestly be more concerned with Tupac's Catholic imagery.

And I am going to see Hootie this weekend (for the sixth time, you jealous bitches), so that's a nice coincidence.

Friday, August 05, 2005

The tall and short of it

How does this picture manage to make both Jennie Finch and Danica Patrick seem less attractive?

I mean, this confounds me. Is one of them normal, and the other freakishly sized, or are they both just very tall/short, but not freakish?

I can't stop looking at this - it could either be Andre the Giant standing with Gene Okerlund, or Dorothy in Munchkin-land. Or most likely, Manute Bol hanging out with Willow.

If only Maria Sharapova were there to give the photo some scale...

My grandfather went to Heaven, and all I got were these autographed balls and bats, an All Star game-used helmet, and dugout seats

The Cincinnati Reds finally act like winners.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Hazzard a guess

Even though I don't see as many movies as in years past, I still follow "the business" like I did 10 years ago. Well, for the most part. It used to be a lot harder to follow everything going on in Hollywood - to get information about movies in production, you'd have to scour the trade magazines (Variety, The Hollywood Reporter), or go to more mainstream movie magazines (Premiere, etc.) and just hope for a nugget of information. Oddly enough, now that previews and synopses are much easier to come by (due to a glut of Internet sites), I find myself missing a lot more.

In 1989, I could have told you every movie coming out for the next year, when that info was fairly hard to come by. Today, while I have a basic knowledge of the big projects, more and more movies I've never heard of are just popping up in theaters (seriously, what the hell are Supercross and The Great Raid?).

Something I still dork out about, though, are movie posters. Posters were the first thing I ever collected, and my childhood bedroom was literally wallpapered with them - barely any white space showed through the 27x41 images of Rambo, Marty McFly, Midnight Run and, urm, Casual Sex. (Hey, Lea Thompson was hot back 'n da day). Even now, I'm looking at my sole piece of geek pride - a framed 1963 one-sheet of The Great Escape.

One website on my daily Internet rotation (usually cruised just after I wake up, post-pee, pre-shower) is The Internet Movie Poster Awards, which features posters for upcoming releases. It's especially valuable, because of my limited visits to theaters. During this morning's visit, though, two new ones really caught my eye, enough to inspire this post.

Let's take a look at the first one:

Can anybody guess what I find particularly hilarious about this poster?

3... 2... 1...

Yes, it's a freaking FRENCH Dukes of Hazzard poster! Seriously, will this movie play in France at all? I would pay $1,000 right now, flat down on the table to hear the dubbed "Yeeeee-haawwwww!"

Even better, the title translates to Sheriff Frighten Me: The Film.

The French suck, but this totally rules.

The next poster, though, had me staring at it for 20 minutes before I noticed what's wrong. See if you can figure it out before scrolling down.

Got it? Trust me, I understand if your eyes couldn't get past Ms. Alba's midsection (mine couldn't for quite awhile), but there is something particularly off-putting there. Take a closer look... away from Alba if you find it humanly possible.

Ok, I ask this with as much of a straight face as I can muster - Is Paul Walker wearing pants? And does he have an impossibly tiny penis? Stare at his belly-button, and let your peripheral vision do all the work (no, it won't make you gay - probably).

I know a lot of movie stars have poster approval, but Walker must have been too elated with any post-2 Fast 2 Furious work to care. Unbelievable.

Yes, closer examination shows he's wearing shorts, but - well, it still looks like he has a baby dick.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I want to be Jessie's boy...

Sorry, I'm still pretty MIA. This is crunch time week: I'm setting up my classroom, getting ready to meet students and parents tomorrow, and generally staying at work from 8 a.m. until 7 p.m. I know that might be regular hours for some of you, but I'm definitely not used to this.

And as much as I honestly respect Jessica Simpson (the girl is smarter than anybody - except me, her destiny - gives her credit for), this is pretty funny. And, oh yeah, SHE HAS AN AMAZING RACK.

Click for more Photoshopped hotness. I love her.