Friday, August 12, 2005

Dropping the Deuce

When I woke up this morning, the air just seemed a little fresher. The birds were chirping a beautiful song just outside my window, calling to me to wake up - wake up! - and enjoy this gorgeous day the Lord has created especially for me. I stepped out of my bed, to find the floor felt like feathers upon my feet. My trusty dog fetched my newspaper, my eyes opened wide, and I thought, "What is it about today that feels so perfect?"

And then I remembered: today is the opening day of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo! Huzzah!

There are many writers out there who serve only to remind me I pretty much suck. Roger Ebert is one of them. Now ol' Rog and I don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but his review of said Deuce makes me a bit jealous. I wish I could write like this.

The movie created a spot of controversy last February. According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."

Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.

But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

Succinct. To the point. Classy.

4 comments:

DAve said...

F Roger Ebert in his fat F'in ass. Yeah, the guy knows his movies, but read his review of The Dukes of Hazzard and tell me you wouldn't like to to pour a gallon of Miracle Whip down his throat then kick him in the balls. What a pretentious ass.

Josh said...

Like I said, "Now ol' Rog and I don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things..."

Josh said...

Bt the way, you think they will eventually give out Pulitzers for blogs? Some of my Friday Random 10s are gold.

Marley Angel said...

Just like you, I wish I could write like Ebert. His review was awesome. I have no desire to see Deuce Bigalow #2. Didn't even see the first one.