Thursday, August 04, 2005

Hazzard a guess

Even though I don't see as many movies as in years past, I still follow "the business" like I did 10 years ago. Well, for the most part. It used to be a lot harder to follow everything going on in Hollywood - to get information about movies in production, you'd have to scour the trade magazines (Variety, The Hollywood Reporter), or go to more mainstream movie magazines (Premiere, etc.) and just hope for a nugget of information. Oddly enough, now that previews and synopses are much easier to come by (due to a glut of Internet sites), I find myself missing a lot more.

In 1989, I could have told you every movie coming out for the next year, when that info was fairly hard to come by. Today, while I have a basic knowledge of the big projects, more and more movies I've never heard of are just popping up in theaters (seriously, what the hell are Supercross and The Great Raid?).

Something I still dork out about, though, are movie posters. Posters were the first thing I ever collected, and my childhood bedroom was literally wallpapered with them - barely any white space showed through the 27x41 images of Rambo, Marty McFly, Midnight Run and, urm, Casual Sex. (Hey, Lea Thompson was hot back 'n da day). Even now, I'm looking at my sole piece of geek pride - a framed 1963 one-sheet of The Great Escape.

One website on my daily Internet rotation (usually cruised just after I wake up, post-pee, pre-shower) is The Internet Movie Poster Awards, which features posters for upcoming releases. It's especially valuable, because of my limited visits to theaters. During this morning's visit, though, two new ones really caught my eye, enough to inspire this post.

Let's take a look at the first one:

Can anybody guess what I find particularly hilarious about this poster?

3... 2... 1...

Yes, it's a freaking FRENCH Dukes of Hazzard poster! Seriously, will this movie play in France at all? I would pay $1,000 right now, flat down on the table to hear the dubbed "Yeeeee-haawwwww!"

Even better, the title translates to Sheriff Frighten Me: The Film.

The French suck, but this totally rules.

The next poster, though, had me staring at it for 20 minutes before I noticed what's wrong. See if you can figure it out before scrolling down.

Got it? Trust me, I understand if your eyes couldn't get past Ms. Alba's midsection (mine couldn't for quite awhile), but there is something particularly off-putting there. Take a closer look... away from Alba if you find it humanly possible.

Ok, I ask this with as much of a straight face as I can muster - Is Paul Walker wearing pants? And does he have an impossibly tiny penis? Stare at his belly-button, and let your peripheral vision do all the work (no, it won't make you gay - probably).

I know a lot of movie stars have poster approval, but Walker must have been too elated with any post-2 Fast 2 Furious work to care. Unbelievable.

Yes, closer examination shows he's wearing shorts, but - well, it still looks like he has a baby dick.


Doug said...

I thought the interesting thing about the "Into the Blue" poster was that Jessica Alba's name is under Paul Walker's picture and Paul Walker's name is under Jessica Alba's.

But there's a bigger issue here, and that is that you had a picture of a bikini-clad Jessica Alba staring you right in your face yet you instead chose to focus on Paul Walker's micro-cock. We need to have a talk, son.

I asked Jessica what she thought of that, and all she said was, "What, is that your friend Josh? He's funny," then she rolled over and went back to sleep.

Josh said...

I do think Alba's agent should be horsewhipped - why does Paul Walker have higher billing than her? I guess The Fast and the Furious was a hit, but what was that? Four years ago? With only its lame sequel and Timeline since then, at the very least Alba's "Entourage" appearances should guarantee her a bit more respect.

And yes, I was perfectly aware I was opening myself up to a comment exactly like the one above. I did try to cover myself with the "I understand if your eyes couldn't get past Ms. Alba's midsection (mine couldn't for quite awhile)" comment, but it was half-hearted at best.

Riley said...

It's a drawstring. Or, at least, I hope it's a drawstring. Whatever. Not like I actually have to know him. I have an imagination to help me, um, fill out the details.

Paul Walker makes being gay delightful.

ACG said...

For the record, Paul's perfectly well equipped, and I'm just exhausted.

Lydia said...

Those were funny. I actually noticed something else about the Paul Walker/Jessica Alba poster but nobody else pointed it out so I won't either.

Josh said...

Oh, you can't do that - let the world in on your perverted thoughts.