Saturday, December 31, 2005

Yes, yet another blog is linking to "Lazy Sunday"

The most surprising thing of last night wasn't LSU's complete dominance of Miami (even though that was sweet, ACC bizzos). No, the most shocking fact was that out of the group of folks I was with, at least half of them had yet to see the brilliant "Lazy Sunday."

The short video, which is the first creative and hilarious thing to come out of "Saturday Night Live" in years (except for my homey, of course), has seemingly been linked to on every blog already.

I realize that most of you have already seen it 100 times. I'm not posting it to be fresh or original. But on the off-chance it's passed you by, now you can watch what all the cool kids are watching.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Friday Random 10: The New Batch

It's amazing how quickly I've fallen back into my old routine: go to bed at 3, wake up at 10:30, don't get dressed until,... well, dinner sounds about right. After months of working and tackling classes at the same time, I'm taking a little too much advantage of freedom. However, time is truly flying as I'm having fun, and I only have three more days of this before my classroom calleth.

I will enjoy them.

This is my first Friday Random 10 in awhile, so a quick recap for you newcomers: FR10 (what the cool kids are calling it) is an idea I stole from somewhere. With no edits for embarrassment or nerdiness, I list the first 10 songs that randomly pop up on my iPod. My twist to these shenanigans is added commentary, and the possibility that the songs have a psychic reflection on the weekend to come (like if the Georgia Bulldog fight song pops up, I should feel good about the Sugar Bowl. If "Straight to Hell" pops up, I definitely need to go to church).

Anyway, I think you get it. You're not reading this blog because you're dumb.

1) U2, "All I Want Is You"
Ah, back to Friday Random 10 regularity - Bono and Company. Of course, this song will always be the Reality Bites song to me, no matter how many times I hear it (it plays when Winona Ryder and Ben Stiller make out, if memory serves). Bites is a very underwhelming, incredibly dated movie that did use its music very well. I had a theory about it in high school, something that supposedly determined what kind of person you are. In the movie, Ryder is in a love triangle with jerk hippie Ethan Hawke, and soulless businessman Stiller. Who did you want her to end up with? Now that I look back on it, it's a pretty political divide - I'm willing to bet Republicans liked Stiller, and Democrats liked Hawke. I, as a rightie in high school, was definitely rooting for Stiller. Now, 11 years later, still conservative but independent with an increasing ferocity, I tend to think all three of them were insufferable asshats. It's my old age wisdom, finally coming to fruition.

2) Bedrock, "For What You Dream Of"
From the
Trainspotting soundtrack, and very fitting - the pulsing beginning makes you feel as if you're on drugs, and the awful vocals in the song's second half make you want to kill babies. I need to delete this bad boy.

3) R.E.M., "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"
Eh, I can stretch to find meaning here, but nothing is jumping out at me. R.E.M. is an Athens band, so does this portend a UGA victory? Or is it just a sad commentary on me returning to work? Or something I don't even know about yet? The mind boggles.

4) Karl Denson, "Family Tree"
Straight from the "Josh Wants To Learn About Jazz" phase of my life comes Karl Denson, a CD I own only because I interviewed Mr. Denson for the Athens Banner-Herald. I need to stop pretending, though - I'm just not cool enough to like jazz. In fact, I kinda hate it.

5) Andrew Lloyd Webber, "Think of Me"
Out of the 2,470 songs I have in my iPod, this song really just came up. Swear to the man upstairs. One of you will find this funny. The others will just think I'm gay.

6) R.E.M., "Texarkana"
Ok, it's obviously somebody is trying to send me an R.E.M.-related message. The opening lines don't help: "20,000 years will I burn?" Combined with "It's the end of the world,..." I'm not liking this. Oh well, as long as it has something to do with me dying, and not something serious like UGA losing the Sugar Bowl.

7) Lindsay Buckingham, "Holiday Road"
You know, the
National Lampoon's Vacation song. And don't pretend it isn't cool. Random, nerdy tangent: I was at Sam's Club a few days ago, and saw a DVD titled National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2, starring Randy Quaid. Now ignore the fact they are besmirching the classic Vacation title with straight-to-video crap with Cousin Eddie; I just don't get the logic of calling this Christmas Vacation 2. I mean, wasn't the original Christmas Vacation actually part three of the Vacation series? At the very least, call this Another Christmas Vacation or something. It's just like Rambo III being the third part of the First Blood series. I mean, there's no movie out there called Rambo for Rambo III to be the third part of. It's First Blood III, dammit! Sadly, this kind of stuff keeps me up nights.

8) Outkast, "Xplosion (featuring B Real)"
No real commentary here, except I want to one day record a song featuring B Real. That would be dope.

9) Josh Massey, "Workin' Dem Hoez (featuring B Real)"
I just wanted to see it written out. Damn, that looks cool.

10) Moby, "We All Are Made Of Stars"
I went to three concerts in 2005 - Hootie & the Blowfish, U2 and Moby. Obviously Hootie was amazing (and once again, I'm not kidding), U2 was U2, but the real surprise was Moby. I actually am not that huge of a fan, but it turns out my ol' bud Luci played keyboards for him on his latest tour. I met Luci well before her days of fame and glory, in Edinburgh, Scotland through mutual friends (we had actually gone to the same college, but had to go to Europe to actually meet). Luci introduced me to the Scottish club scene, something that yet again proves Americans are very young and, well, sorta posers when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Anyway, one night I'm waiting for Luci in this LOUD, completely insane club, standing against a wall with my eyes temporarily closed (I was one of those American posers, remember). I feel a tap on my upper arm, and open my eyes. Nobody there. I look right, I look left - and nothing. I close my eyes again. Another tap. Look right, look left - nothing. Look down,...

Pause the story right here. Imagine a chick dressed to do some seriously wild clubbing - her originally blonde hair is three different shades of purple with five different brands of hairspray within, her backless shirt showing the crack of her ass, her cleavage pouring out of a low-cut top, and her eyes showing a vibrating hint of ecstacy use... Now imagine that same girl as a midget.

"Hello, big boy." She shook my hand, I shook her,... paw? She introduced herself, I did likewise. "Do you have a kiss for me?" My jaw dropped almost far enough to hit the top of her head. "A kiss?" I asked. She verified I had heard her correctly, and reiterated her request. I fought out of my cloud of confusion, leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled, her eyes fluttered (not her eyelids, but her actual eyes), and she walked off. I look up, only to see Luci staring at me, having just seen me kiss a midget.

There wasn't really anything that needed to be said. We left it alone. Which was for the best.

Not so hot'lanta

Typically, I'm damn proud to be from Atlanta. Having been in 45 states and hundreds of cities, there really isn't any place I'd rather live. I've been here since the day of my birth, and nobody's given me a good enough reason to leave yet.

Today, though,... for shame, Atlanta. For shame.

Atlanta will be hosting this weekend's Sugar Bowl parade, typically held in New Orleans but moved for obvious reasons. And, as can happen from time to time, the Bible Belt has tightened up a few notches. From the article:

However true to Cajun tradition Saturday evening's parade turns out to be, it won't have beads. Along with open containers of alcohol and women baring their breasts, the plastic mementos apparently didn't make the cultural transfer from Bourbon Street to Peachtree ... No booze. No breasts. And no beads.

That said, this quote is hilarious:

"People take themselves too seriously here," he said. "In honor of all the victims of Hurricane Katrina who are here, we should waive all our moralistic opinions for a day and let them have their fun."

That reminds me of when I kept my penis out for an entire day in memory of 9/11. It was the least I could do.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

'Tis the season for a good soul cleansing

I had a dream last night.

In it, I had to report back to school this morning. People have told me the holiday break flies by, but that was ridiculous. I dreamed not of being at school, or spending time with the kids again - but of the 7 a.m. drive there. The radio was clearly on sports talk, the temperature was definitely cold, and I spent the entire dream grumbling under my breath about having to return to work.

Yep, on the "dream excitement" scale (where 1 is "9-year-old cousin's birthday party" and 10 is "Jell-O wrestling with Alexis Bledel backstage at a U2 concert with play-by-play announcing by James Earl Jones"), this was clearly a negative 4.

Thankfully, I woke up bright-eyed at 10, with a full 12 days to go before my alarm clock gets set once again. It turns out that, yes, I still have more than enough time to accomplish my...

10 Goals of Christmas Break

1) Write a personal letter to each of the 5th grade students, telling them how special they are to me.

2) Finish my long overdue book of love poetry, a particular passion of mine for a couple of years now.

3) Make my own Christmas tree. Of roses.

4) Work at least 10 hours in a homeless shelter.

5) Heck, adopt a homeless person.

6) Read a book to some senior citizens.

7) Watch Titanic, and cry my eyes out like the sensitive soul I am.

8) Totally ignore football, that brutish, ugly sport.

9) Write a song, dedicate it to Grandma.

10) Read Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. For the fourth time.

None of this should take any of you by surprise, mind you. This is how I like to spend all of my free time.

...And I promise this has nothing - NOTHING - to do with the hot girl who recently told me she reads my blog. Promise. is on the case

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

C'mon Showtime!

"I've got this Christian girlfriend now, and she's trying to get me to be a better man, and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me. And I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it!"

- Gob, on last night's "Arrested Development." Merry Christmas, everyone!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

It's a Netflix world, and I'm just livin' in it

Today is December 18th, and I - the former movie dork, critic and theater employee - saw just my ninth theatrical movie of 2005 yesterday. I would see upwards of 70 movies in theaters in the late '90s! Granted, most of them were free, but it's obvious the advent of DVD - and more specifically, Netflix - has driven my moviegoing desire into the ground.

In the past few days, I've been able to relax on my own couch and watch Fantastic Four, The Dukes of Hazzard, Woody Allen's Melinda & Melinda, Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist, Jet Li's Unleashed, and the new Bad News Bears. And if I had actually paid $8.50 to see any of those pieces of shit - and yes, all of them were fucking awful - I would be livid. Instead, I just pop them back in the Netflix envelope, and wait patiently for my next disc of "The O.C." to arrive.

Here are the nine movies that got me to pay for a ticket this year. Looking at the list, there are actually only six that were my choice to go see. Two of them were dates, and one of them I went to see with my students - I'll let you figure out which is which.

1) Hitch
2) Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
3) Batman Begins
4) Wedding Crashers
5) War of the Worlds
6) The 40-Year-Old Virgin
7) Flightplan
8) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
9) The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

That said, I'll probably add a few more in the next couple of weeks, now that I'm on my "vacation" from teaching. I'm not waiting until DVD to see King Kong, Munich, The Family Stone and, yes, Brokeback Mountain.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Developmentally challenged

Sorry for the absence of late,... I know so many thousands of you depend on me for a little workplace relief. Well, I'm happy to say, output will soon improve. My classes are over for the semester as of yesterday, and I'm about to get a paid three-week vacation from work (there are perks to being a 5th grade teacher, besides the six figure salary).

For now, though, as my kids begin to file into the room, let me leave you with some potentially very good news.

Never Nudes, rejoice.

Friday, December 09, 2005

I am bold and beautiful, but...

With my right hand on a stack of Bibles and my left hand holding truth-telling scissors next to my nuts, I promise the greatest, most heart-wrenching promise anybody on this great planet has ever made.

This is not me.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Classic Kong

From Variety, the original March 7, 1933 review of King Kong.

But after the audience becomes used to the machine-like movements and other mechanical flaws in the gigantic animals on view, and become accustomed to the phoney atmosphere, they may commence to feel the power.

That's an interesting comment. We tend to think 1933 audiences were so blown away by special effects, they didn't even notice it didn't look real. Obviously, '30s audiences were quite familiar with suspending their disbelief, something we don't have to do as much of today (I'm still convinced they found a real T-Rex for that jeep scene in Jurassic Park).

Plus, even the supposed classics like the original King Kong - something that seems critically untouchable today - had their detractors back in the day.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Paging Dr. Darwin

From the AJC:

Rapper Kills Himself With Pen Gun

ST. PARIS, Ohio — Steven Zorn had put the pen gun to his head and clicked before, apparently thinking it was jammed and would not work.

But on the third try, the tiny silver pistol went off as the 22-year-old budding rap artist was drinking to celebrate an impending record deal. He died at a hospital.

The Nov. 18 shooting at Zorn's home in this rural village of 2,000, about 50 miles northeast of Dayton, is believed to have been accidental, according to family, friends and law enforcement officials.

"Steven had a career and his dreams all ahead of him," said Zorn's mother, Lisa McCoy-Horn. She said she wants lawmakers to outlaw pen guns, which are small-caliber, single-shot weapons that resemble pens.

Let's run through the mind-blowing (pun intended) aspects of this one-by-one:

1) A rapper died from a gunshot wound. Hardly surprising in itself, but rappers usually have the good sense to aim the barrel away from themselves. Maybe I'm missing something obvious, but I think this might be the first self-inflicted rapper bullet wound. Those are usually reserved for the indie rocker set.

2) Somebody out there actually makes a gun that look like a pen. In fact, thanks to Google image search, we can all see what one looks like:

I mean, I'm not a gun control-minded guy. Hell, I'm a gun owner myself. But THAT is pretty fucking absurd. Why don't they just go ahead and market it as "The Assassinator."

3) Somebody out there actually buys guns that look like pens. Aren't guns, when not being used for actual protection, supposed to help guys feel better about their small dicks? I mean, I know that's what mine is for. And while I'm not a card-carrying member of the gangsta community, I have to assume the same policy goes there. Who's going to actually take out one of these and attempt to, uh, represent - or whatever the fuck the word is these days?

"Yo bitches, I'm gonna pop a Bic in yo' ass!"