Friday, October 28, 2005

And I'm off

A couple of images for the weekend. One new:



One a couple years older:

Friday Random 10: The Next Chapter

The payoff of the rare Monday Random 10 - a Friday Random 10 just four days later. I hope you realize how lucky you are.

And even better, this is actually being written Thursday night. Cheating? I don't know, because some weird sense of honor prevents me from actually clicking the "Publish Post" button until midnight. So despite this being the thoughts of a guy living on a Thursday, they're foisted on the world in the proper 24-hour cycle. Do with that what you will.

Ok, ok - pardon the rambling. I'm just a bit juiced, as I'll be in Jacksonville in less than 24 hours. I keep hearing this moaning about Georgia's chances without DJ Shockley, but I can't join the chorus. Our coaches, while not the deities many UGA fans make them out to be, will fashion a different kind of offense for Joe to the T to the III, and our defense will be even more pumped to play Saturday than in weeks past.

Two things are take-it-to-the-bank, put-the-kid's-college-fund-on-it, the-media-will-continue-to-ignore-Rosa-Parks-was-originally-just-a- publicity-stunt-for-the-NAACP, rock-solid sure:

Georgia will win this game.

I will get drunk at the Landing.

Not necessarily in that order.

Three things.

1) Heart, "These Dreams"
Heart singer Nancy Wilson is married to Cameron Crowe, who recently directed Elizabethtown, which starred Orlando Bloom, who shares a name with a Florida city, just the same as Jacksonville, which is where the Georgia Bulldogs are about to demolish Florida's candyasses. Sorry, one track mind.

2) U2, "Lemon (Version Dub)"
No, never particularly cared for "Lemon." Of course, this remix is pretty good, only because you'd
never guess it had anything to do with "Lemon" from listening to it. Seriously, I bet they just throw a bunch of beats together and say, "Yeah, uh, let's call this one 'Staring at the Sun (Tranco Beatdown Saddlejockey Mix).' They'll never know the difference."

3) DMX, "What's My Name?"
And the correct answer is: "Joe T III, BITCH!"

4) Limahl, "The NeverEnding Story"
No, seriously - that song really just started playing. As for The NeverEnding Story - now, I am not a big fan of remakes. Well, I am not a fan of remakes the way Hollywood does them. They always remake good movies, movies that really don't need to be improved upon. Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Get Carter, The Longest Yard, etc. I know I'm not the first one to say this, but it would be such a better idea to remake bad movies, those movies that contained some promise, but for whatever reason didn't work out. I'm thinking of titles like The War, Punchline, Toys, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Family Business, and anything Richard Attenborough ever directed. These are all movies that might have had something had they been made by different people in different times. Hence, the remake. But no, studios are too busy taking the racial slurs and beer drinking out of The Bad News Bears to bother. Oh wait, I did say "As for The NeverEnding Story," didn't I? Well, as for that 1984 film, it is the rare case of a fantastic movie that absolutely needs to be redone. The story is timeless, but the effects are painfully dated, and, well, I'd just love to see what it could look like today. Keep the score, keep the morals, keep the exact same characters - and give it to a effects and story-oriented guy like David Fincher, who really could make a kick-ass children's film given the right material. If I ran Hollywood...

5) Air Supply, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All"
Let's move on...

6) Jerry Goldsmith, "Hoosiers (Main Theme)"
Somebody will eventually remake this movie. You know it as well as I. It will be a godforsaken tragedy. You know it as well as I. The persons involved will go to Hell. You know it as well as I.

7) Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Commotion"
Some good drivin' music. I'll have to remember this tomorrow.

8) Bon Jovi, "Bed of Roses"
I'll admit it, I thought for a second of skipping over this song and pretending it never popped up. But I can only look at it as a sign. Forgive the constant about-faces to the UGA game, but c'mon, Roses. ROSES! It's destiny... (I'm talking about the Rose Bowl, this year's college football championship game, for the uninitiated). Oh, and Bon Jovi kicks ass. It's true, I will always hold a special place for Jon and Co., because at their concert I saw my first set of boobs that weren't on the chest of someone named "Massey." I was in the 8th row, 12 years old, and this drunk chick right in front of me kept lifting her shirt during the show. It was phenomenal. I actually saw Jon Bon Jovi in Los Angeles about 12 years later, and almost - almost - went up to him and thanked him for that. I'm still disappointed in myself for not doing it. He would have probably laughed, only because he's cool like that.

9) Alabama, "Song of the South"
Man, another song that fits this weekend to a T. A Joe T, BITCH!

10) They Might Be Giants, "Sapphire"
Does everybody's iPod have about 500 songs they have never even heard, but only have because they're part of a larger album? This would be a primo example for me. Some day when I have 20 days to spare (like, maybe, the summer because I'm a teacher), I'll sift through them all and weed out stuff like this.

On to Jax.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Captain No Duh strikes again!

A WNBA star has come out of the closet.

And in similarly stunning news, Bill Gates announces he's rich, Michael Bolton admits he's white, Stevie Wonder reveals he's blind, and Rosa Parks refuses to stand up in her coffin.

Well, if I don't have a shot at WNBA players, at least I can still go after female softball stars and golfers. Them's all about the Masseynator.

"He was injured, injured bad."

Being an Atlanta Braves fan, my favorite commercial has always been the Greg Maddux/Tom Glavine "Chicks Dig the Longball" spot Nike put out in the '90s.



I mean, nothing has ever topped that.

Until now.

Update: Apparently it's not a new commercial. Here is an interview with the ad's director about it - from 1998.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Joke of the hour

Guy goes into a bar, bartender asks him what he'll have.

"Anything but a Budweiser."

"Why anything but a Bud?"

"I had a case last night and ended up blowing chunks."

"No shame, lots of people do that. What's the big deal?"

"Chunks is my dog."

Monday, October 24, 2005

Monday Random 10: Nerds in Paradise

Three days late, who knows how many dollars short (let's see if the Falcons can cover the spread).

Mucho apologies for the absence of Friday Random 10 - I could hear the wailing of virgins from miles away. Sadly, I headed straight to Athens from work on Friday and didn't have the time to regale you with witty bonmots about 10 songs randomly pulled from my iPod. I probably fell asleep 30 seconds after I got home on Saturday night, and Sunday was spent within the friendly confines of Russ and Brooke's wedding. (FYI: Sunday weddings are fine. Until Monday morning).

Anyway, my point: missing Friday Random 10 won't happen again. Or maybe it will.

Get well, DJ.

1) Macy Gray, "Sex-O-Matic Venus Freak"
I have 2,447 songs currently in my playlist. Some of them - well, I just have no idea how they got there. This is one of them. And no, it's not a untruthful defense of my love of crap music. I mean, I will gladly justify my iTunes inclusion of multiple Air Supply songs, White Lion, the entire "Miami Vice" soundtrack, and even a freakin' Bette Midler song. I just have no idea what happened the day I thought, "Yeah, Macy Gray. That sounds like it would hit the spot right about now."

2) U2, "Mysterious Ways (Apollo 440 Magic Hour Remix)"
As I've mentioned before, I purchased "The Complete U2" from iTunes earlier this year. It includes, well, damn near close to everything
U2 has ever recorded. It includes three complete concerts from various points in the band's history, every released album, every B-side, and remixes of almost all of the band's biggest hits. It's quite absurd, actually, but beautifully so. A quick check reveals I have 11 different versions of "Mysterious Ways" alone, including "Solar Plexus Club Mix," "Solar Plexus Extended Club Mix," "Solar Plexus Magic Hour Remix," "Tabla Motown Remix" and "The Perfecto Mix." I need this.

3) Hilary Duff, "Last Christmas"
Let it never be said my Random 10 isn't completely honest. I actually downloaded a few Christmas albums before my holiday party last year, and just haven't gotten around to delet... ah, fuck it.

4) Outkast, "Hootie Hoo"
I am all about Andre 3000 becoming an actor - the guy has charisma. However, my brother has to pick better scripts than Be Cool, which was the worst big studio film produced since Patch Adams. I'm sure Four Brothers was better, only because it really couldn't have been worse.

5) Frou Frou, "Let Go"
More Garden State love... although I downloaded this when I heard it on the original trailer, long before the "gotta have it to be hip" soundtrack was released.

6) Boston, "Amanda"
I've dated two Amandas in my life. Haven't felt the need to write a song about either one.

7) Mike Jones, "Back Then"
Very good - I mean very good - new rap artist. Check him out. Or most likely, you've already checked him out, because I get to all cool stuff about six months after everybody else.

8) Avril Lavigne, "How Does It Feel?"
Last week, Alanis. This week, Avril. Total embarassment: nada.

9) Eric Cartman, "Come Sail Away"
Be sure to catch the latest Hurricane Katrina-themed episode of "South Park," by the way.

10) Pat Benatar, "Invincible (Theme From The Legend of Billie Jean)"
Fair is fair! (Trivia moment: Fair is Fair was actually the film's title until shortly before its release). Why isn't The Legend of Billie Jean getting a 4-disc 20th anniversary DVD, by the way? Features can include a Yeardley Smith commentary, a documentary on how superhottie Helen Slater could fall for pimply-faced Keith Gordon, and an in-depth look at the film's super-subtle Joan of Arc message (just in case you missed the 40 times Joan was somehow mentioned). I mean, I still hum "Rebel Yell" when I'm in a shopping mall.

Monday, October 17, 2005

They're back!

Aggh! The towers have returned! And this time, it's personal!



Sorry, tasteless. Whatever.

Actually, in searching for that Rocky poster below, I found this cool little fan page dedicated to famed movie poster artist Drew Struzan. (Of course, Struzan has his own site as well).

If you were a movie geek at all in the '80s, it's a cool little trip down memory lane. And man, that guy did a lot of posters.

Burning heart, just about to burst

OK, if you put that age-old "If you could see only one movie this year,..." question before me, my answer is easy for 2006: Bryan Singer's Superman Returns.

Let's take that one step further, though, so I can make my point. If I could see only two movies in 2006,...

#2 with a bullet.

Seriously, make fun of this if you want. Break out all of the "He'll need a walker in the ring!" jokes. The truth is, four of the five Rocky movies have been damn enjoyable, with the first two actually being classics (rewatch 'em if you don't believe me).

Now will Rocky VI... er, excuse me, Rocky Balboa suck? It probably will, of course. Is there anything - I mean, absolutely anything - you can do to keep me away on opening weekend? Hell to the no.

Who doesn't want another one of these, really?...

In other news, Homer Simpson accuses Bush of being a cartoon character, and David Duke says the President is "just too darn white"

High comedy.

Some of the delegates applauded (Mugabe's) fiery anti-Western speech several times.

And liberals wonder what conservatives have against the UN...

Sunday, October 16, 2005

SI.com plays God

It's a truly sad time for the Atlanta Hawks, which lost 28-year-old center Jason Collier early Saturday morning.

Don't you think Sports Illustrated is being a little presumptuous of his afterlife destination, though?


Friday, October 14, 2005

Friday Random 10: The Smell of Fear

If you're cool like me, you already have your weekend planned out.

First, you're definitely headed to the Great Decatur Beer Tasting Festival tomorrow. Then, of course, you wouldn't miss the gridiron action of Georgia vs. Vanderbilt in the P.M. And finally, nobody can do without the musical stylings of Athens fave Mel and the Party Hats at East Andrews.

And finally, to round out your Sunday, watch my Atlanta Falcons whip a little New Orleans ass.

First things first,... let's get to the Friday Random 10.

1) U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday"
A classic, to be sure. That said, if they don't play it when I see them in November (second row, bitches), I won't cry in my multiple beers. A song just loses a little something on the 42,323rd listen.

2) Zero 7, "In the Waiting Line"
From the Garden State soundtrack. Of course, having that soundtrack in my iPod automatically makes my musical collection a little bit cooler. Not that it makes up for my complete Van Hagar catalog, or absurd Hootie & the Blowfish obsession - I just said "a little cooler."

3) Pearl Jam, "Satan's Bed"
The question was put to me recently (in one of my many pop culture dork moments): What is Pearl Jam's best album? Of course, arguments can only be made for "Ten," "Vs.," "Vitalogy" and, well, maybe "Yield." I took the road less taken, and went with "Vitalogy." Upon listening to a lot of PJ lately (that's what the cool kids call them), I am comfortable with my choice.

4) Alanis Morrissette, "You Oughta Know"
Sadly, I can't get enough of angry Canadian girl rock. I'm not even embarrassed anymore to declare my love for A.A. - Alanis and Avril, of course.

5) Elvis Presley, "Always On My Mind"
My 5th graders didn't know who The Beatles were, but they all knew Elvis. Our society is still doing something right.

6) U2, "40 (Live - 1983)"
I still hear the stories of early U2 concerts, when they would close with "40" and the band would supposedly stay out a long time after Bono left. A couple older fans have told me the crowd would continue the song out of the arena, into the trains, and all the way home. I don't know if I really believe it, but it's a nice idea.

7) Indigo Girls, "Pushing the Needle Too Far"
I only learned this much later, but apparently I wasn't an easy guy to get to know in college. Multiple people have said to me, years into our friendships, "Man, I thought you the biggest asshole when we met." Only after beginning to understand my personality, sense of humor, etc., they began to warm to me. The Indigo Girls always remind me of this, because of something uber-journalist Erin McClam once said to me. Paraphrasing: "I thought you hated me, and so I hated you. But then one night, you got drunk and we sang Indigo Girls together - and you knew all the words! That was when I knew we could be friends." Of course, I don't know if that says anything positive about me, but it's out there.

8) Monty Python, "Medical Song"
Do yourself a favor and download this. Very romantic.

9) Outkast, "Aquemini"
Slow, cool, all Atlanta. Bizzos.

10) Ray Charles, "Hit the Road Jack"
Why do I feel racist every time I say the movie Ray sucked?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

"It's the end of your life, as you know it - nah, just kidding, you crazy kids! Good luck!"

Oh wow, how the mighty have fallen.

R.E.M is playing weddings now.

Has anybody actually heard of Kingpin's Bowl & Brew in Athens? And if it actually exists, why the hell have I NOT been to a place called Kingpin's Bowl & Brew?!?!

What kind of woman would have a wedding there, you ask? The answer: a perfect one.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Friday Random 10: The Year We Make Contact

By the time you read this, I very well might be in the lovely (read: rancid wasteland) of Knoxville, TN. We're headed up there, obviously, to see my beloved Georgia Bulldogs open a can of nuclear-powered crotchshot onto the orange hillbillies. I remember my dear readers, however, and will wave goodbye with a commentary-fueled Friday Random 10.

1) The Pogues, "Irish Rover"
I plan to do my best Irish impersonation all weekend in Knoxville. Which only means, of course, being hammered. No original stereotypes here, thank you very much.

2) The Doors, "Light My Fire"
Eh, I have some Doors tracks, but I can't honestly claim to have listened to any of them in years. I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that the Doors movie is over 14 years old.

3) Bruce Springsteen, "Further On (Up the Road)"
In 30 years, will music lovers remember "The Rising" with its proper respect? Probably not, as "Born in the USA," "Born to Run" and "Nebraska" will overshadow it. Unfairly, if you ask me.

4) Brooks and Dunn, "Red Dirt Road"
As I approach 30, I find myself listening to more and more country. And not only new stuff, but Cash, Coe, Jr. and Willie. I'm turning into my father.

5) U2, "All I Want Is You"
This song, played precisely at the right time, with just the right touch, guarantees sexual intercourse. It's true.

6) Blue Oyster Cult, "Don't Fear the Reaper"
As great as this song is, it's been indelibly linked (and nearly ruined) in my mind with not one, but two things. First, the obvious: the "more cowbell" sketch from "Saturday Night Live," which for some reason has suddenly become insanely popular five years after it aired. Second, the song was used to wicked precision over the opening credits of the Stephen King TV movie "The Stand." Basically, I just can't appreciate the song on its own merits anymore.

7) The Dust Brothers, "Hessel, Raymond K."
From the Fight Club soundtrack. It works better in the movie.

8) Green Day, "Haushinka"
A fairly solid track from "Nimrod," which - if we remember honestly - everybody thought signaled the beginning of the end for Green Day.

9) Tom Rothrock, "Briefcase"
A cool instrumental track from an even cooler movie, Collateral.

10) Eddie Money, "Take Me Home Tonight"
Who is Ronnie, and who cares what she said? And why is a girl named Ronnie, anyway? Ok, ok - I'll stop pretending I'm hip. It's a bit surprising even to me, but I actually have three Eddie Money songs on my iPod - this, "I Wanna Go Back" and "If I Could Walk on Water." You're lying if you say you don't know every word of those songs.

Does the FR10 prognosticate anything for the UGA/UT outcome? "Red Dirt Road,"... well, the Dawgs are red. And the Volunteers will definitely have to fear the reaper. And my real goal is to have a sorority girl take me home tonight.

Sorry, I'm stretching.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Heroes of Katrina, Part XLII

"You just don't realize what done happened until the person next to you hits you and says, 'Well, you done did it.'"

God bless Jacquelyn Sherman - a Woman With a Dream.

Her home destroyed by Hurricane Katrina, she summoned her hope along with a treasured $20 bill.

"I was on the road to Kmart...,"

She was intending to buy food for her and her family. Food, that precious commodity for our beleagured Louisiana residents. And her thriftiness and consumer smarts were evident - oh no, she didn't need the fancy food from Publix that we take for granted every day. Instead, she would get by on whatever K-Mart dubbed the blue light special that week. The blue light special of survival.

"...and decided to stop at the casino."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Tasteless, offensive, topical

I can't decide. Is this funny?



Personally, I'm inclined to think, well, of course it is.

By the way, it's one of the many T-shirt designs brought to you by the fine people at T-Shirt Hell, creators of the infamous "What about all the good things Hitler did?" tee. Their most recent design is the Mardi Gras-inspired "Flash Me For Food & Water."

Polley wants a crackdown

Even though I've seen Terry Gilliam's The Adventures of Baron Munchausen a couple of times, I guess it's always escaped my attention that the little girl was played by Sarah Polley (Dawn of the Dead, Go).

It's safe to say Polley has never forgotten, however.

Little children have enough trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Now imagine going through those self-doubts on, of all places, a Terry Gilliam set. What we remember and how we remember it often doesn't jibe with the truth, but Polley probably isn't overreacting when she reveals her emotional scars.

Monday, October 03, 2005

"Walk" this way

My favorite movie poster of the year:



Classy, no? And I gotta say - love Reese as a brunette. Let's just hope this Johnny Cash biopic is better than last year's wildly overrated Ray.

Goosed

"(Jeff) Daniels is sweet. He recalls his squeamishness on learning that Anna Paquin, who played his daughter in the save-the-geese weepie Fly Away Home, had been cast as his sort-of love interest in Squid. When they had to shoot a short sexual encounter, he says, "we tried not to think about ... you know, geese."

- From a pretty good Time Magazine feature on Daniels, one of those actors you like a lot more than you think.

Dumb and not-so-dumb jocks



A couple of weeks ago, I accused Minnesota Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper of being a dumbass. It's nice to be proven right.

Before the NFL draft, each potential player takes the Wonderlic Personnel Test, a standardized 12-minute 50-question problem-solving exam. These scores are used to help gauge the mental toughness of athletes, and will sometimes greatly affect where a player is picked.

Out of 50 points, Culpepper scored 15. On his third try.

Other interesting scores:

Eli Manning (39) - Well, that's obvious just looking at that picture, isn't it?
Brock Berlin (13) - Berlin not only received a Miami education, but a University of Florida one as well. Quite frankly, I'm surprised he remembers to breathe.
David Greene (21) - Uh, a misprint, I'm sure.
Casey Clausen (20) - Oh, thank God Greene beat him. Maybe Clausen had one hand tied behind his back, though.
Quincy Carter (30) - Really? Really?!?
Michael Vick (20) - I would think this is a little low, and then I reflect back to yesterday, when he broke a 25-yard run and dove headfirst at tacklers instead of sliding.
Donovan MacNabb (12) - Paging Rush Limbaugh. But before somebody sees this as an attack on black quarterbacks...
Jeff George (10) - ... I'll say it: the biggest waste in NFL history. This jerkass was blessed with the best arm I have ever seen, but couldn't spell "NFL."
Dan Marino (14) - Remember, he was drafted at #27, after QBs John Elway, Todd Blackledge, Jim Kelly, Tony Eason and Ken O'Brien. This score surely played a part in that - as well as his hard-partying reputation.

The only perfect 50 on this list belongs to third-string Rams QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, a rookie out of Harvard. Apparently, he's only the second person to do it (the first being a punter, also out of Harvard, in 1975).

And the beatings will commence in 3,... 2,...

God, I hate celebrities.