Saturday, November 26, 2005

"That's no moon."

A Canadian government official recently said we should start preparing ourselves against galactic invasion.

Some laughed. I didn't.

Fark everybody

I may not have a girlfriend, social life, or, well, anybody that likes me,... but I did win a Fark Photoshop contest.

So suck it.

(I'm "jgm1976," by the way).

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dawn is dead



There is absolutely nothing more cloying and vapid than talking incessantly about your fantasy team.

It's the absolute height of self-absorption, believing somebody really cares how your fake team did in some fake game against some other fake team, or how your fake draft with your fake players did in a fake league. Guys in bars fall particularly guilty to this societal crime, cornering some poor uncaring bastard, lamenting Clinton Portis's 2-fumble day, or celebrating the latest 3-TD effort by LaDainian Tomlinson.

Yep, absolutely nothing more cloying and vapid than talking about it. Well,... except maybe writing about it.

So you might want to stop reading now.

Three games into the 2005 fantasy football season, I was feeling disgustingly confident. My team - Asian Dawn - had run up a quick 3-0 record, winning by an average of over 17 points (extremely good, for the uninitiated). Quarterback Donovan McNabb had thrown eight touchdowns in that time (including a wicked 5-TD performance against DAve's team), making him the most valuable player in fantasyland. Second round pick Corey Dillon rushed for five touchdowns, and receiver Darrell Jackson had games of 125 and 131 yards.

Not a bad start.

In the 2 months since, Asian Dawn has gone 1-7.

Let's take a look at my first few draft picks, round-by-round.

1: QB Donovan McNabb. Current status: OUT FOR SEASON.
2: RB Corey Dillon. Current status: ALREADY MISSED FIVE GAMES, POSSIBLY OUT FOR SEASON.
3: RB Ahman Green. Current status: OUT FOR SEASON.
4: WR Andre Johnson. Current status: HEALTHY NOW AFTER MISSING A MONTH, BUT STILL SUCKING ASS.
5: LB Zach Thomas. Current status: OUT AT LEAST NEXT TWO WEEKS, POSSIBLY OUT FOR SEASON.

And a couple more:

9: WR Darrell Jackson. Current status: HAS MISSED ALMOST TWO MONTHS.
14: RB Cedric Benson. Current status: OUT FOR SEASON.
16: WR Charles Rogers. Current status: SUSPENDED FOR DRUGS, NOW GETTING SUED BY HIS OWN FUCKING TEAM. SERIOUSLY.

Now the real question: Who hates me more? God? Or you, because you read this far?

Friday, November 18, 2005

Friday Random 10: The Other Side



Last weekend was The Tailgate. This weekend is The Concert.

And then The Tailgate II.

Tonight will mark my fourth time seeing U2, the first since 1998. Any regular reader of the Friday Random 10 (hey, all three of you!) knows not a week goes by without Bono and the boyz making an appearance. Seriously, not a week. You can check.

In case you missed it the first few times I said it, let me repeat as well: second row, ladies. Oh, and my date was named one of Atlanta's 50 Most Beautiful People a couple years back. I can smell your jealousy through my keyboard, and believe me, the scent is sweet and tangy.

If I survive the concert and its aftermath, I am supposed to meet friends at 7:30 a.m. Saturday to head to Athens. Whether or not I am suitably conscious for such an occasion is up for discussion, but I should be alert enough to see my Bulldogs clinch an SEC Championship Game bid (also up for discussion: whether or not we actually deserve it). Even if I fall asleep at The Tailgate, though, at least I'll snooze in style.

Fear not, friends: at least you can take solace in the Superman Returns trailer. (Big fan of the Brando narration and Williams music, but the editing could have packed a slightly bigger punch).

1) R.E.M., "Superman"
Holy crap. That song really just came up. Just after talking about Superman Returns... and Athens. Color me a little freaked. If the next song is "Kryptonite" or that one Five For Fighting hit, I'm just going to quit here. And burn the computer and The Evil Spirits within.

2) The Who, "Baba O'Riley"
Phew! Or maybe The Evil Spirits didn't want to make things so obvious...


3) Gary Glitter, "Rock & Roll, Part 2"
Didn't ol' Gar' get in a little trouble a few years back, with some child porn or something? Yeah, that's kind of like Pete Townshend from The Wh... EVIL SPIRITS! EVIL SPIRITS!

4) U2, "Staring at the Sun (Sad Bastards Mix)"
I can be dishonest when I want to be, but so far this Random 10 is dead solid truthful. And anyway, how can I be mad at the E.S. if they're gonna play me some gettin'-in-the-concert-mood music? Even if Bono likes this song a lot more than I do.

5) U2, "With Or Without You"
Now we're talking. Let this one thing be clear: I have NO singing voice. None. It's just horrible. But for some reason, this song escapes my lips like it's coming out of somebody else's mouth (except the really loud part, which I could never hit). This is my jukebox song - meaning if I'm playing the jukebox, the bar will hear it - and I've had multiple people over the years say, "Damn, you can really sing" when I'm blaring this... only to be disappointed when I keep singing whatever song comes up next. I will be taking part in this tonight, by God - and maybe Bono will compliment me. Because, if you haven't heard, I'm in the second row.

6) Stereophonics, "Doorman"
I have this in a special iTunes folder, marked "Stuff I downloaded to make me feel 10 years younger."

7) Hootie & the Blowfish, "Old Man and Me (When I Get to Heaven)"
U2 is my favorite band to see in concert. Hootie is second in line, though. And no, this isn't supposed to be one of the humorous Random 10 entries.

8) The Bangles, "Everything I Wanted"
I saw Susanna Hoffs play a few years ago at Lilith Fair (free tickets and a photo pass, had a date - a female one - and did I mention the tickets were free?), but crime upon crimes: they stuck the former Bangles lead singer on a side stage. In-between Indigo Girls and Sarah McLachlan performances (again, free tickets), Hoffs strode out to a throng of - well, pretty much a throng of me. (Everybody else there seemed to be busy). And man, that chick still flatlines me,
Allnighters-style.

9) Eric Cartman, "Come Sail Away"
The studio version, from the "Chef Aid" album. Speaking of "South Park," be sure to catch last Wednesday's episode, in which the boys take on Scientology. It's not the funniest episode they've done, but it might be the most biting and dead-on target - which is saying something for this series. I'm just wondering if we'll ever hear Scientologist Isaac Hayes play Chef again - because let's just say that punches aren't pulled as far as that "religion" goes.

10) U2, "Elevation (Quincy & Sonance Remix)"
And on that note...

Update: Gary Glitter seems to have made the news again. And of course it isn't for anything good.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Review: "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"



For a moment I considered putting a "full disclosure" on this review - you know, something like, "Full disclosure: I'm a 29-year-old guy who's read all six Harry Potter books, seen all three movies, blah-de-blah-blah." These are the pains I went through when discussing the first couple of movies, or when I was reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets while others were enjoying the obviously higher brow tastes of John Grisham and Dan Brown.

The truth is, though, millions of adults read Harry Potter now. Quite a large percentage of my friends - friends that aren't Dungeons and Dragons followers, mouth-breathing computer geeks, Georgia Tech students, or 12 - have read and loved J.K. Rowling's universe. Such a defensive disclosure on my part is no longer warranted. And this will be even more evident once the masses lay their eyes on Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, easily - easily - the best film in the series so far.

This film is dark. Very dark. It's PG-13 for a reason. And there will be controversy when it hits theaters on Friday, howls from parents who will be even more convinced Potter-mania was concocted by Lucifer. Goblet of Fire is violent, it is relentless, and it is at times even scary for adults. Young children should not see this film.

You should.

This review will dispense with a synopsis. If you've read the book, there are few surprises in the film. If you haven't read it, you only need to know Harry is back at Hogwarts for a fourth year, and, well, as the new poster says: "Everything is about to change."

Fans of the book - and the film series, for that matter - need to prepare themselves for the loss of certain elements. Director Mike Newell (Donnie Brasco) has relieved the series of its more comedic and fantastical elements. The one liner-spouting ghosts are gone, the Hogwarts portraits rarely move or talk, and the book's weaker elements (Hermione's PETA-like work with house elves, the backstage drama of the Quidditch World Cup) have been discarded entirely.

For a movie that runs 2 hours and 37 minutes, it is shockingly lean.

Director Chris Columbus, who helmed the first two Harry Potter films, continues to be shown up by his successors. Newell does superb work, as Alfonso Cuaron did with 2004's Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. However, Columbus needs to be recognized for the superb cast he put together.

Getting good work out of Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith and Robbie Coltrane doesn't exactly require a Masters in wizardry, but casting an 11-year-old Daniel Radcliffe with the foresight of him becoming such a strong actor is no small feat. Rupert Grint continues to do good work as Ron, and, well, Emma Watson has developed into serious eyecandy for the Tiger Beat set (and pervy adults) - though truthfully she is the weak link in these kids' acting chain.

The real test now is being able to wait until June 2007 for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - or, really, until probably late 2008 for the better storyline of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (I am dying to see the last 15 minutes of that film). After initially misstepping with the selection of Columbus as the first film's director, Warner Bros. has righted this franchise's ship - better directors, vastly improved visual effects, and the innate understanding that as this series goes on, it decisively leaves child's play behind.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Friday Random 10: X-Men United

The Tailgate.

That's what you need to know about this weekend. My friends and I have been in the vein of white trash tailgaters these past 10 years or so. I don't mean we've had an SUV up on cement blocks or drank (strictly) PBR, but compared to other groups we've been - well, a little bit on the peasant side.

While other tailgates had satellite TV, catered food, beer and liquor flowing, official red UGA tents, and the assorted fun that comes with those luxurious things, we have been stuck with green tents that take two hours to assemble, a couple coolers full of some iced-but-not-quite-long-enough beer, Subway sandwiches or if we're really lucky some Sam's Club hot dogs, and a radio with no batteries.

Not this weekend. Oh, not this weekend.

In honor of the UGA/Auburn game on Saturday - or more correctly, in honor of the 7:45 p.m. kickoff - we have planned a monster party. No catered food before? Catered food now. No UGA tents? How about five of them this time? A broken radio? Let's roll up that TV and DirecTV satellite dish, brothas. And let's add amazing amounts of alcohol, various places to sit and rest (and sleep, perhaps later), and perhaps 30 to 40 of my closest friends.

Anybody in the Athens area, feel free to join the party.

1) Paul Westerberg, "Dyslexic Heart"
Singles came out when I was in 10th grade, and this is one of two saccharine, generic Westerberg ditties on the soundtrack... meaning, of course, they were my two favorite tracks when I bought this album in '92. Thirteen years later, my musical taste has moved ahead two spaces, just enough to realize that - wait! - Westerberg was just phoning it in here, and I really need to head over to Pearl Jam's "State of Love and Trust" to experience the best that CD has to offer.

2) U2, "A Day Without Me"
This is the continuing beauty of iTunes's "The Complete U2" collection. I've been a U2 fan for going on two decades now, and I now get the chance to rediscover old classics - like this 1980 track from the band's first album, "Boy." I probably haven't heard this song since the '80s, and its almost new to me again.


3) Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Who'll Stop the Rain"
Good classic stuff. Is it sacrilege to consider John Fogerty a better music writer than Bob Dylan? Whether you agree with that or not (and I just might), it is inarguably awful CCR never had a #1 single.

4) Karl Denson's Tiny Universe, "Can You Feel It"
KDTU is a cool little funk band I discovered when I interviewed Mr. Denson for the Athens Banner-Herald back in '99. If they visit your neck of the galaxy, you could do worse than check 'em out.

5) Mike Jones, "Back Then"
I'm having a flashback to the '80s. Not because of this fantastic semi-new rap song - it's pure-as-the-driven-snow-2005, bitch - but because I'm reading about shootings at movie theaters. I mean, I know 50 Cent doesn't exactly carry on Fred Rogers's torch, but do these thugs really think this is 1988? Are they walking around singing, "Colors - COLORS - colors - COlors - coLORS...?" Get Rich or Die Tryin' is from the director of fucking My Left Foot, for God's sake. At the very least, they can pop caps at The Fog. People who'd pay money to see that deserve to die.

6) Tupac Shakur, "God Bless the Dead"
I just picture a head-up-his-ass Nietzsche-obsessed grad student analyzing this song between bong hits. "If God is dead,... could he still bless himself? Woah." Maybe that's just me.

7) U2, "Elevation (Tomb Raider Mix)
Eight days until U2 will rock my face off at Philips Arena. Not to brag, or continually repeat myself, but second row seats await my sister and I - and its been a painfully long journey since we bought these tickets way back in March. This will be my fourth time seeing Bono and Co., and I am shocked to be able to say the band might be a better show now than in '92 (when I saw them twice) and '98. "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb" is easily the band's best work since "Achtung Baby," and the so-far-ignored "Love and Peace or Else" is arguably their best track since "Desire."

8) Outkast, "She's Alive"
Mike Jones, Tupac Shakur and now Outkast. And yes, I'm a southern white guy who voted for Bush - twice. I am feeling a mighty big hankering for some Pat Boone, however.

9) The Dust Brothers, "Space Monkey"
From the Fight Club soundtrack. In 50 years, Best Picture winners A Beautiful Mind, Chicago, Gladiator, and Million Dollar Baby will be mere footnotes to cinematic history, but people will still be analyzing, watching and discussing Fight Club. Allow me to breathe on my fingernails and wipe them on my shirt, but I called that about two seconds after a critic's screening. One of the few I got right (except I thought it would gross $100 million, instead of the $30 or so it did).

10) Kenny Rogers, "Through the Years"
Tangent time. Kenny Rogers is a good guy. His music is great, I watched his movie Six Pack about 300 times when I was a kid, he lives in the Athens area, and perhaps best of all, he has hired my brother to be his plumber multiple times. However, there are certain things that make me, well, take a step back and reevaluate things. Case in point: ol' Kenny was announced as the halftime entertainment at the UGA/Tennessee game earlier this year in Knoxville. Having never seen Rogers sing live, I thought it was pretty cool. So the clock ticks down to zero, we're excited because of a great field goal Georgia pulls off, and the crowd's buzz continues as the legendary singer makes his way onto the field... in AN ORANGE SHIRT!!! The guy lives in Athens, and he wears Tennessee colors onto the field? Quite frankly, his treachery was so heinous I didn't feel the least bit bad when the microphone messed up (and obviously it did, because the words "Tennessee" and "functioning technology" have never gone together). Kenny: you disappoint me, man. But keep hiring my brother.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Menaces to society

Back in the yesteryear of the early '90s, I was a junior in high school and worked for a movie theater. It was a minimum wage, absolute crap job, but I swallowed it for a few years because I got free movies and posters. (Yes, I was a dork then too).

One of the rare highlights of my AMC experience was an early summer day in '93. It was before the era of color mylars above every theater entrance; instead we had to put bulky block letters over each door - and there wasn't a lot of space. So for example, if you were looking for A League of Their Own, we might just put "League" above the door. If you wanted to see Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (and who didn't), you best look for "Jason" or "Final Friday."

When Menace II Society opened, we didn't have quite enough room for the entire title. Thus, "Menace" was all it said.

About five minutes into an early afternoon screening, the movie theater door banged open, and a white woman sprinted out dragging two little blond kids by their collars. She looked at me with death in her eyes, snarling, "That is the worst Dennis the Menace movie I have ever seen!"

Still, that's not as funny as this.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Friday Random 10: Cruise Control

Soon, someday soon, hopefully someday soon, I will realize I am no longer 19. I have a job, full-time and all that, and people actually rely on me from time to time. If I don't do my job well, others are affected.

Going to Wild Bill's at 11 o'clock on a Thursday night is probably not the best way to prepare for a productive Friday. On somebody else's bar tab, no less.

You should have seen us, though. It was the Masseys in action - my brother, sister and myself. Hard up for entertainment, we concocted a scheme where one of us would go to a bar, and 30 seconds later the other two would come up and ask for an autograph. The chitchat between star and subdued-but-still-gushing fan would be brief, and the two would walk off. It was just enough of a show for people to notice, and spend the next few minutes really trying to figure out who the "celebrity" was. Justin, in particular, had a girl literally grab his arm and turn him so she could see his face. She was dying to know who he was, and probably still is.

Wild Bill's is so big, we pulled the same act about five times. And even if it doesn't sound funny, I promise you it was.

1) Modest Mouse, "One Chance"
I'll take "Albums I Heard Were Good So I Downloaded Them For Free But Haven't Really Given Them A Good Listen" for $100, Alex.

2) Stereophonics, "Girl"
Well, Alex - let's just stay in this same category. For $200.

3) Pearl Jam, "Last Kiss"
Hilarious song. Just phenomenally funny.

4) Lou Reed, "Perfect Day"
A damn near perfect song. I've actually never made a list of my 10 favorite songs, but this would be in it.

5) R.E.M., "The One I Love"
Ok, it's killing me. Now I have to make a list of my 10 favorite songs. Maybe it's best suited for a post of its own - a Friday Not-So-Random 10, maybe. Just throwing some possibilities out there now though, the first ones that pop into my head: Other than Lou's "Perfect Day," let's see... Peter Gabriel's "Solsbury Hill"... U2's "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?"... Boston's "More Than A Feeling"... The Beach Boys's "God Only Knows"... Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up in Blue"... Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road"... Elvis Presley's "American Trilogy"... Green Day's "Jesus of Suburbia." And "Freebird," of course (long version, even more of course). Yeah, I gotta do this. Coming soon.

6) Prince, "Nothing Compares 2 U"
Prince has evolved into perhaps the most revered musical figure of the last 20 years. I mean, people go freaking nuts over him. I think this is mostly due to the complete devolution of Michael Jackson, and the increasing battiness of Madonna. Still, the man is damn near mythic. Sadly, I was just a little too young for "Purple Rain," so my first real exposure to him was - yes, "Batdance." And no, nothing compares to that. Except maybe some cleats to the nuts.

7) John Williams, "The Emperor Confronts Luke (from Return of the Jedi)"
Maybe it's just wishful revisionist thinking, but wasn't being a Star Wars fan much cooler 10 years ago? I mean, I'm downright embarrassed to have this in my Friday Random 10, and I know I wouldn't have felt the same way in late high school or early college. It was trendy to like Star Wars, dorky to like Star Trek. And then George Lucas showed back up with his three shit prequels (yes, the third one was shit, just less so), and Star Wars fandom went the way of "Live long and prosper."

8) U2, "The Ocean"
It's a rare day when I speak highly of Jann Wenner, but his profile of Bono in the latest Rolling Stone is a phenomenal read (other than Wenner practically sticking Bono with a cattle prod to get some Bush bashing - unsuccessfully, I might add). And the interview is validating for me, as well - I've always been the rare U2 die hard who believes the "Achtung Baby" era is preferable to the early days of "Boy" and "October" (the latter easily being my least favorite U2 album). Bono also believes that, I was relieved to learn. So that means, of course, that Bono and I could so totally be best friends if we ever met.

9) Old 97's, "What We Talked About"
When I was entertainment editor at ye olde Red & Black, the mailman was like Santa Claus. CDs, videos (remember VHS?), and books would show up on a daily basis, all for free. Journalistic integrity wasn't my forte, so I accepted all of this with gleeful open arms. I probably was sent about 1,000 CDs over the course of my four years there - and an Old 97's album is one of the very few I still listen to from time to time. I think I saw the band in Athens, but haven't the slightest clue if they're still together today. At least they had one rockin' album. Update: a little homework reveals Old 97's still lives.

10) DMX, "Party Up"
Tangent time. DMX starred in a movie with Jet Li, so I feel this is somewhat-a-little-bit-not-really-but-I'm-going-to-do-it-anyway relevant. I just watched Li's Unleashed, and it has a fantastic first 45 minutes. I mean, just great. Good plot, Li kicks some serious ass, Bob Hoskins is hilariously sinister - and then Morgan Freeman is introduced. In every Morgan Freeman film EVER, even his "just give me mah check" performances like Hard Rain and Along Came a Spider, his eventual appearance steps things up about 20 notches. And yet Unleashed comes to a crash test dummy-level stop when Freeman shows up. It isn't his fault, not in the least. But his storyline - he's a blind piano tuner who takes in Li's man-child character for absolutely no discernable reason - is just awful, plus he's saddled with a "stepdaughter." The girl is supposed to be 18, but they hired an actress who appears 30 - and acts like a retarded 12-year-old. It was the worst casting decision in years, with the possible exception of Joel Schumacher's The Phantom of the Opera (the phantom, even with scars and completely batshit crazy persona, was better looking and more likable than the simpering male "hero"). I hated this girl so much it completely and single-handedly destroyed the movie for me, and with it Freeman's scenes (because she's in almost every one of them).

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Jesus is magic

"When I was in high school, I went out with my father's best friend. And that's embarrassing, you know,... my father having a 14-year-old best friend."

Jimmy Kimmel is one lucky bastard.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The subtleties of being a Dawg

At least something good came out of the Georgia/Florida game...



Speaking of UGA, Wikipedia offers a helpful list of euphemisms for "The Shocker." Read at your own risk.

* "Dos en el rosado, y uno en el morado."
* "Going to town, with one in the brown."
* "The Muckfish."
* "Two at Yale, one at Brown."
* "Two in her rut, one in her butt."
* "Two in the 'ooh la la', one in the caca."
* "Two in the baby maker, one in the patty caker."
* "Two in the bird, one in the turd."
* "Two in the boat, one in the moat."
* "Two in the bush, one in the tush."
* "Two in the cake, one in the pudding."
* "Two in the camel toe, one in the anal hole."
* "Two in the cat, one in the shat."
* "Two in the cheese, one in the whiz."
* "Two in the chute, one in the glute."
* "Two in the clanker, one in the spanker."
* "Two in the coin slot, one in the balloon knot."
* "Two in the condom muncher, one in the donkey puncher."
* "Two in the coot, one in the boot."
* "Two in the cooter, one in the poop shooter."
* "Two in the cooter, one in the pooter."
* "Two in the cootie, one in the booty."
* "Two in the crack, one out back."
* "Two in the creamer, one in the steamer."
* "Two in the crown, one in the brown."
* "Two in the cummer, one in the bummer."
* "Two in the curtains, one in the hurtin's."
* "Two in the flaps, one in the craps."
* "Two in the flower, one in the mud."
* "Two in the fowl, one in the bowel."
* "Two in the farker, one in the cucker."
* "Two in the furry, one in the curry."
* "Two in the gap, one in the crap."
* "Two in the gash, one in the ass."
* "Two in the gear, one in the rear."
* "Two in the go, one in the no."
* "Two in the goo, one in the poo."
* "Two in the grass, one in the ass."
* "Two in the gum, one in the bum."
* "Two in the gyney, one in the hiney."
* "Two in the hair, one in the derriere."
* "Two in the hair pie, one in the brown eye."
* "Two in the hanus, one in the anus."
* "Two in the hole, one in the... other hole."
* "Two in the hoo hoo, one in the poo poo."
* "Two in the hooty, one in the booty."
* "Two in the hump, one in the dump."
* "Two in the I see what you did there, one in the loo."
* "Two in the jam, one in the ram."
* "Two in the kitty, one in the shiatty."
* "Two in the lube, one in the tube."
* "Two in the meat pie, one in the brown eye."
* "Two in the meat, one in the seat."
* "Two in the monkey, one in the chunky."
* "Two in the muff, one in the rough."
* "Two in the mung, one in the bung."
* "Two in the num num, one in the bum bum."
* "Two in the one, one in the two."
* "Two in the pee, one you can't see."
* "Two in the pink, one in the stink."
* "Two in the pink, one in the doo doo hole."
* "Two in the pie, one saying goodbye."
* "Two in the pookey, one in the dookie."
* "Two in the poon, one in the moon."
* "Two in the pumper, one in the dumper."
* "Two in the queefer, one in the reefer."
* "Two in the randy, one in the dandy."
* "Two in the saddle, one in the paddle."
* "Two in the sexit, one in the exit."
* "Two in the skank, one in the stank."
* "Two in the slit, one in the shiat."
* "Two in the slime, one in the crime."
* "Two in the sludge, one in the fudge."
* "Two in the slut, one in the butt."
* "Two in the slutter, one in the poop cutter."
* "Two in the snail, one in the tail."
* "Two in the snapper, one in the starfish."
* "Two in the split, one where she shiats."
* "Two in the taco, one in the guaco."
* "Two in the taint, one in the ain't."
* "Two in the tank, one in the bank."
* "Two in the tart, one in the fart."
* "Two in the thump, one in the rump."
* "Two in the trap, one in the crap."
* "Two in the treat, one in the seat."
* "Two in the track, one in the back."
* "Two in the twat, one in the brown spot."
* "Two in the vagina, one in China."
* "Two in the valley, one up the alley."
* "Two in the whore, one in the backdoor."
* "Two in the winker, one in the sphincter."
* "Two inside a woman's vagina, one inside a woman's rectum" (medical terminology)
* "Two near the clit, one in the shiat."
* "Two where she humps, one where she dumps."
* "Two where she peeces, one where she feces."
* "Two where she menstruates, one where she defecates."
* "Two where you hump, one in the rump."