Random Hollywood musings (AKA the last time I write about this trip, I sort of promise)

So anyway, this Kiefer Sutherland thing bears telling. "24" is one of my favorite shows, and the first six episodes of the new season are easily the best yet. Sutherland's Jack Bauer is quite possibly the biggest capital-B Badass to ever grace TV screens - at the very least, he'd put up a strong fight against Michael Chiklis's Vic Mackey, James Gandolfini's Tony Soprano, and Norman Fell's Stanley Roper.

It's my last night in Beverly Hills, and Jamie comes back from doing red carpet interviews all day (listen to Q-100 this week to hear some cool stuff). Everybody that went to the SAG awards has been ushered to an People Magazine afterparty, so I'm accepting that Great Celebrity Watch 2006 is over with. Which is cool, if only because I've been playing the part of a celeb-stalking dork for a couple of days, but it's quite honestly not my thing.

Jamie and I walk out of the hotel, and ask the concierge to call us a cab. Within 10 seconds, a stretch limo pulls up, goes about 15 feet past us, and the back door swings open. The first thing I see is a SAG Award trophy emerge, clutched by a pretty massive hand. It appears we have one final Sighting, and our concluding celeb is Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who plays Mr. Eko on another favorite shows, "Lost." (Although truthfully, I immediately thought of his previous role, as the gang-banging, drug-inhaling rapist on "Oz." I didn't mention this to anyone). His trophy is for "Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series," and we break into applause and Jamie yells "Congratulations!" This prompts Eko to break into a wide smile and do a little dance with statue in hand. A good moment.

The Four Seasons awaits, though, and it will be our third time there. Other than the "Lost" castmembers, this is the place I've seen all the famous faces on the trip. Again, though, we're not expecting anything tonight.

We walk into the bar, make a loop through to find a decent seat, and wind up only a couple of tables away from none other than Kiefer himself, holed up with friends and family only about three hours after he won a SAG award for "Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series."

The Award has apparently had a strange effect on him, though, as his eyelids are half-shut, and even his friends seem to be paying attention to anybody but him. OK, let's make it plain: the guy is loaded.

After about an hour, Kiefer gets up and stumbles to the bathroom. On the way back, a particularly rowdy group of well-wishers starts yelling "Kiefer! Jack Bauer!" The esteemed actor reacts in the only way I see possible: he gives them a wicked smile, starts dancing (the night's theme, apparently), holds up his hands and starts flicking them off, one hand after the other. Over and over.

My immediate text message to a few friends still stands true: "Kiefer Sutherland is fucking lit - flicking off random people and stumbling around at the 4 Seasons bar. This is the greatest moment of my life."

Up until now, everything was good. I am seeing a prominent actor - one who had just won a major award a few hours earlier - letting off some steam in a way that's hurting no one. But then,... I stand next to him.

This is a little while later, when he stumbles out behind me at the cabstand. It turns out Jack Bauer, TV's best tough guy, asskicker of terrorists worldwide, beater-upper of countless professional assassins - is a freaking midget.

IMDB has him listed at 5'10". I'm 5'10". This guy isn't even close to 5'10". Not only that, but he is apparently on the Nicole Richie diet, and looks about a buck o'five. I could kick Jack Bauer's ass, nevermind what a hired killer could do. (Methinks we're counting the number of days before "24" has to go on hiatus because its star is suffering from, ahem, "exhaustion").

The good news: I managed to watch "24" last night and still enjoy the hell out of it. I bought it when Jack beat the ever-living crap out of someone, when Kiefer couldn't have even mussed the guy's hair. I ate it up when two women, both undeserving of Jack but wildly deserving of Kiefer, fought over him. And I even overlooked the fact he didn't slur a single word, clearly the results of some wicked sound editing.