Tuesday, October 24, 2006

You can't spell "pundit" without "pun." Or "dit."

My picks were so good this weekend, I need a nickname.

Josh the Greek has a ring to it, even though I'm neither from Greece nor a frat boy. Maybe Massey the EducaTOR. Nah, because I think I stole that from somebody else. This gambling nickname site calls me The Mad Mullet, but I haven't had that hairstyle since 1987. Pony Boy McClure? Shasta McNasty? Cletus Van Damme?

I have time to decide. If my picks continue to be this good, I'll be rolling in my fake cash for awhile.

To recap, I'm putting $50 in completely fake money on every game and keeping track of my season progress here. It's basically a way to feed my gambling addiction without losing the money I have over the past few years. So far it's worked fairly well.

This weekend I went 8-4-1 on my NFL picks, up a fake $180 (taking off the customary 10% juice for losses). I pushed the Carolina/Cincinnati game, so the fake bet is fake cancelled. Add that to last week's fake $135 loss, and I'm taking a bath in 45 large ones, my friends. Large, fake ones. Maybe that's enough to buy me a fake Georgia/Florida ticket

One of my losses felt great, too: Atlanta's surprise win over the Pittsburgh Steelers was glorious, especially because I have Michael Vick and Alge Crumpler on my fantasy squad. Their three TD hookups helped me beat the league's first place team, something I know you're proud of. There's nothing more exciting to you than hearing about my fantasy football team, so I'll keep you updated.

There is one thing that is certain. Since I am no longer betting with real money, I am going to turn into Matthew McConaughey at the beginning of Two For the Money. Well, um, since I was probably the only person who saw that piece of shit, let me translate: I'm going to be making winning picks. A lot of them. Since I'm not enjoying the profits, at least you should.

And then throw 10% my way.

A few observations from this week's NFL and/or gambling action:
  • Of all my winning picks, I feel especially good about taking Minnesota over Seattle. Remember, kids: a six-and-a-half point spread is Vegas's way of begging you to take the favorite. Similarly, a seven-and-a-half point (or 14-and-a-half, 21-and-a-half, etc.) is their way of tricking you into taking the underdog. Live by this.
  • I was wrong about Carolina winning the game outright, but it doesn't matter: that's why we bet with spreads.
  • Seattle seems to be following the annual Super-Bowl-loser-to-not-making-the-playoffs trajectory quite well. Sure, they're 4-2, but starting this weekend are Seneca Wallace and Maurice Morris instead of Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander. It's a bit of a dropoff. If anything saves the Seahawks, it'll be their anus of a division. (Also, I'm really rooting for a Wallace injury so David Greene can see some action).
  • If Atlanta can go to Cincinnati this weekend and get a win - and it's certainly not out of the question - I will be completely back on the Falcons Will Win 12 Games Bandwagon.
  • I'll call it here: Chicago is going 16-0. Look at the rest of their sched: San Fran, Miami, @Giants, @Jets, @New England, Minnesota, @St. Louis, Tampa Bay, @Detroit, Green Bay. Sure, the Pats will be the big test, and the Giants won't be a walk. But damn - that's some easy sleddin' right there.
  • Indianapolis won't achieve perfection. Even if they breeze through visits to Denver, New England and Dallas, they'd probably go 15-0 and choke away their last game against Miami. That's just Peyton being Peyton, after all.
  • How were so many preseason pundits high on teams quarterbacked by Drew Bledsoe, Kurt Warner and Daunte Culpepper? (Ok, I was sorta high on the Culpepper one, but still). Conversely, how did everybody write off Chad Pennington like he was Steve DeBerg, but older?
  • The picks will be to you tomorrow, but I'll tell you the game I'm really looking forward to now (aside from the obvious Falcons/Bengals matchup): the Baltimore Ravens visit the New Orleans Saints. The Ravens were my preseason Super Bowl pick, and they go against The Team Everybody Loves Except Me So Seriously Fuck Them. If N'Awlins can take care of business here,... I'll still say they suck.
  • How was I so high on a team quarterbacked by Steve McNair?

2 comments:

Dennis said...

I just put in DAve's name in the gambling name creator and DAve's gambling name is "Tooty". I don't know why, but I thought that was hilarious. mine, btw, was "The Kid"

Pasqua said...

Two for the Money was the worst movie ever and I'm sure Vegas loved it. Convinced a bunch of people that if you do enough research, or you were a former player, or you can say "alright alright alright" you can pick the winners with ease. Glory be to New Orleans that I got out of gambling last year.