Monday, May 14, 2007

10 reasons why Spider-Man 3 sucked

If only he were a tad more flexible...

Sure, the movie is 10 days old, but if this post can save one person from the soul-deflating, mind-evaporating turd that is Spider-Man 3, I've done my job.

So as the title says, here are 10 reasons Spider-Man 3 sucked (edited down from about 700):

1) It's Smokey and the Bandit Part III. Or Porky's 2. Or Superman III. Or Jaws 3-D. Or Grease 2. Sequels are a dicey proposition today, but they're infinitely better than some of the crap foisted upon us in the early '80s. A movie would be a hit, and the studio would almost audibly say, "Screw it. Get a cheap script, a cheaper director, and only bring back the cast if they'll work for back-end profits (which don't exist anyway)." Somewhere along the line, though, the studios started making a good amount of sequels that at least appeared to give a shit - including Spider-Man 2, which made the first film look like one of my old home movies. With the latest installment, though, the dollar sign-glint in everybody's eyes is almost blindingly obvious. I mean, I know money is the reason for most sequels, but nobody here even tries to fake it.

2) The plot is built upon a series of billion-to-one coincidences. By sheer chance, black goo falls from space, only to attach itself to the one guy on the planet with superpowers (Tobey Maguire)? In completely unrelated events, the same guy who murdered Peter Parker's uncle just happens to fall into a science experiment in the middle of a freaking field, becoming the only other person on the planet with superpowers? The one guy who wants Parker dead (Topher Grace) is conveniently in a church while Spidey is ripping off his black suit, only to get a bit of it on him so he can turn into a third guy on the planet with superpowers? Parker's science lab partner (Bryce Dallas Howard) falls off a building, only to be saved by Spider-Man, only to fall for Parker later without actually knowing his alter-ego? And really, Peter Parker hasn't graduated yet?

3) Venom is Darth Maul. The amount of ink (or computer pixels) that has been dedicated to Venom is amazing. For the past year, people have been obsessing about this legendary villain's appearance in the third film - and then he shows up for like 10 minutes at the end, and is seemingly gone with the clang of a bell.

4) Harry is Wolverine. That fucker heals fast. In one scene, he hits his head on a metal pipe going 80 miles-per-hour, proceeding to fall 10 stories onto concrete. And on what appears to be the very next day, he's walking in the park wearing a Band-Aid after a brief hospital stay. Closer to the end, he's damn near hit in the face with a kind-of grenade, only to have a scarred-over, but completely healed face not 48 hours later. Of course, I was expecting to forgive this at the end when it was revealed Harry had powers of his own - but no, he doesn't.

5) The camerawork makes The Bourne Supremacy look like a still-shot. There's a time and place for frenetic, jump-cut camerawork. Director Sam Raimi's definition of "time and place," however, appears to be "whenever we want to mask the fact that nothing is going on." I actually had to look away from the screen a couple times to avoid nausea. Of course, nausea still came, because I heard multiple scenes of ...

6) Kirsten Dunst singing. She can't do it. Seriously, she can't. If she auditioned for "American Idol," she'd get on the show - but only to be one of those people we're meant to laugh at in the first episode. However, in the universe of Spider-Man 3, we're meant to accept that she plays the lead in a Broadway musical. True, she's fired for bad reviews, but how the hell is she there in the first place? (And seriously, the directors must have heard her performance in auditions and practice, and they fire her after a single night? Has this ever happened?)

7) That jazz club scene. You have to see it to believe it. It's amazing, though. A screenwriter wrote it, the director OK'd it, the cast shot it - and nobody seemed to have thought twice.

8) The bad guys have no real motive. In one of the film's stupidest scenes (and that's saying a lot), the two bad guys seem to randomly meet and team up to kill Spider-Man. And I still can't figure out why Sandman wanted Spider-Man out of the picture. Sure, they threw some punches earlier on, but this single-minded hatred seemed to exist only so there could be a cool, effects-driven finale. And, come to think of it, Venom only hated Spidey because of his own bad Photoshop job.

9) Aunt May didn't die. Sorry, I guess that's a minor spoiler - but it's just an utterly disappointing non-plot twist. That means we have to listen to her drone on-and-fucking-on about absolutely nothing at least one more time.

10) Amnesia drives part of the plot. Except for possibly the "dramatic courtroom scene," amnesia is the lamest crutch a screenwriter can use. I don't care if it was taken directly from the comic book or not; it's retarded.


Reel Fanatic said...

I"m surprised you were able to narrow it down to just 10, given how severely this movie just sucked balls .. That jazz club scene was clearly written by a kindergartener

Shan said...

In terms of "third editions," I can't decide which is worse: singing Ewoks or singing Dunst. Both almost made me cough up popcorn.

I didn't hate it as much as you, but it was definitely deflating, disappointing, phoned in and a complete clusterfuck.

Other observations on your critique:

The amensia was incredibly lame.
I can't even believe the "coincidences." Good screenplays don't have these, or maybe rely on it once. But the alien goo? AND the worst of all, a science experiment, in the middle of the night, in a field close to a prison, with only one weak chain link fence, and no protection or walls close to a (what?) "pit?" And they can't see or detect when someone is in said experiment, being performed for unknown and indecipherable reasons? For fuck's sake.
Darth Maul indeed. Or Boba Fett, the way he gets punked by a poorly conceived "death." (although it was sound that did him in, in the comics). At least the pipes didn't burp.
And I mentioned it before, but Dunst singing? Give her a mohawk and call her Sanjaya.

Finally, you were "off" on one point. Harry was utilizing his dad's "goblin formula" which was a supersoldier deal, granting increased strength, agility and healing.

Still, this was as disappointing a third installment as Matrix Revolutions or Godfather III.

Meims said...

The Batman & Robin of the series... but worse. I wanted to claw the eyes out of Emo Peter Parker.

Riley said...

It's really bad. That Peter Parker outtake reel they put into the middle of it was amusing, if completely out of place. He's not evil with the black goop, he's a piano-playing joke.

Stanicek said...

Aren't we all being a little harsh on a comic book movie here? Are we really going to say that the plot wasn't "feasible" or "THAT could NEVER happen"? This is SPIDERMAN for crissakes! I wasn't a huge fan of this movie by any means but it was at least enjoyable. I think we can all agree that "2" was the best of the franchise but come on Joshua...what were "the odds" of Peter Parker having to write a paper on a respected scientist that then goes apes*it and starts tearing up the town AND Harry being the one that funds him? It's a comic book...that's what happens. So yeah, overall, probably not the best thing you'll see all year but at least it wasn't the second Pirates of the Carribean.

Josh said...

Good movies tend to get a little more benefit of the doubt - that's always been the case. Spider-Man 2 was a good movie. This wasn't just a bad movie, it was a abhorrent, nauseating one.

Josh said...

And Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was fucking Schindler's List by comparison.

Anonymous said...

your a dumb fuck and the reason harry healed is cuz the fucking potion that he takes all the time you dumb fuck your criticism does not amount to shit and i think this was the best one so far and all my friends and we voted about it in our school ninety seven percents loved it our school has a total from k-12 of 3300 plus the district schools too it was i n the newspaper also you little junky ass were wrong

any body agree with me email me at

Josh said...

And right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't teach anymore: the kids of today are total morons.

Marcuss said...

i just can't figure out why they would choose Eric f***ing Foreman to play Venom i just cant put the two together, seriously in the comics and the cartoon tv show and every other spiderman thing venom was a tank not some pansy from a 70's tv sitcom