Thursday, August 23, 2007

What's your fantasy?

Like every other computer in the world, mine alerts me with a little chime every time I get an e-mail. Well today, it's sounded like a damn ice cream truck with ringing every 10 seconds or so. Notes are just pouring in, and everybody wants to talk about one thing.

A few examples:

from: mayapapaya03@hotmail.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: draft
Hey, baby! I know I asked you last night, but can you tell me about your fantasy football team one more time? Like who's on it, and all the stats you know about each person! It's SOOO exciting! Love, The Girl

from: gbush@whitehouse.gov
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: I am McLovin!
'Sup, fucka. Sorry I bugged you last night in the middle of your football draft. Who'd you end up getting? You pick up Kellen Winslow like I told you? That guy's a soldier, just like the honorable men and women now serving in Iraq fighting for - oh fuck, man. I just remembered! Condi told me to tell you, uh, I can't even read this. Another language, I think. Let me just cut-and-paste this bitch: "Onservativec aluesv otn ompletelyc eadd. Otev onr aulp." Whatever that means, dude. So how'd the draft go?

from: ookie07@badnewzkennels.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: this is why I'm hot, why I'm hot, why I'm hot
I lovez that song - it couldz uze more z's in itz, though. So wez workinz togeher agen thiz seazon? Don'tz have much to do 'n shit. Hook me upz.


from: tbrady@patriots.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: teamwork
Hey, thanks man for at least considering me. So did you take me in the draft? I know my entire fanbase is made up of sniveling douches, and I hope you can overlook that. Because, yeah, Boston sucks in every conceivable way, and I just want to be part of a winner. Finally. I hate the Red Sox too.

from: bmoynahan@coyoteuglyalums.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: AAAAAAAHHHH!
I HEARD YOU WERE THINKING OF TAKING MY MAN! WELL, HANDS OFF MOTHERFUCKER, OR I WILL CUT YOU! HE'S MY BABYDADDY AND IF I CATCH YOU WITHIN TEN MILES OF HIM, GODDAMMIT, I WILL - ooh gross, placenta...

from: reggieb@nawlins.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: I'm excited
My agent tells me we're working together. I'm drowning with excitement, and flooded with emotions. It's like a hurricane of happiness, mixed with a gang rape of love. Wait, that last one didn't work, did it? THIS CITY SMELLS LIKE PISS!

Yes, apparently the secret is out - my fantasy football draft was last night. I'm excited to see how many people care. Of course, I understand, because I know how interesting it is to read about other peoples' fantasy teams. So I won't keep you in suspense any longer. This is the starting roster of my 2007 squad, They Just Dogs!:

QB: Tom Brady
RB: Rudi Johnson
RB: Reggie Bush
WR: Anquan Boldin
WR: D.J. Hackett
WR: Devin Hester
TE: Jeremy Shockey
K: Jeff Wilkins

Ok, truth be told, the draft sucked. I wasn't in the most sober frame of mind, and apparently was easily distracted by the absurd Texas/Baltimore game. Somehow I ended up with three tight ends, didn't start off the run on defensive players like I usually do, and yes, ended up with the stars of my two least favorite teams (Saints and Patriots).

And I don't even know who the hell D.J. Hackett is. Shit. This is going to be a long season.

Hat tip: This post is a blatant ripoff of Doug.

1 comment:

Riley said...

Did no one have Leona Helmsley on the Celebrity Death Poll?