Sunday, September 30, 2007

"Hey, It's MONDAY, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass Music Video!"

If you were at Saturday's Georgia/Ole Miss game, you're at least fleetingly aware of this song. To be honest, this weekend was the first time I'd heard it. And I wouldn't remember it these two days later except that it spawned the most spontaneous burst of unbridled fun I've seen in a long time.

Plus, after this song played, Georgia's seven-point lead quickly turned into a 28-point one.

Sorry to be so cryptic and cliquish, but you really did just have to be there.

Hat tip: DAve.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Four

"Aren't you glad you don't bet real money? You suck at this."

And that's the e-mail I first opened early Tuesday morning.

I had a bad week. I know I had a bad week. And yet somebody still the need to rub my bad week in my face.

I get it, I really do. When you're gambling on games, it's generally not a good idea to go 5-8-2. I understand. On the flipside, though, had I received any congratulatory messages the prior week when I had gone 10-6? A single one?

Of course not. Because you're all assholes.

The picks:

Oakland @ Miami (-4). It's Trent Green vs. Daunte Culpepper, which sounds nice, but then you realize it's not 2001. Ol' Coach Saban really left the Dolphins in a healthy place, huh? Well, at least the Raiders are in town, which drastically reduces the possibility of 0-4. PICK: Miami

Houston (-3) @ Atlanta. Alright, back to my beloved Falcons, which I've picked to win every week. And yes, they're o-3. As somebody who has watched every down of every game, though, I can't help but think there is a 9-7 team just fighting to get out. Truth is, this team should be 2-1. A kicker blew a game for us, and a meltdown by our #1 corner took down another. And now we have former Falcon Matt Schaub coming back to town, just to rub our faces in the shit that is the 2007 campaign. But get a win here, and the momentum could be on our side - and I truly think nine wins could take this division. (I've been drinking, by the way.) PICK: Atlanta

Baltimore (-4) @ Cleveland. Nothing interesting to say here, so let's revisit the whole DeAngelo Hall controversy. First, I don't really like Hall, and haven't since he stiffed my class back when I was a teacher. He was supposed to come on a Tuesday morning, but scraped himself up in the Monday night game and had to delay. Fine, whatever, understandable. Of course, though, he never showed up, and ignored my written request for some kind of souvenir for a particular kid who was devastated by his no-show. So fuck him. Howevah: he had every right to be pissed last Sunday. The pass interference call was legit, but he got straight-up hosed on the ensuing personal foul, and even on the Unsportsmanlike Conduct call that followed. Now I'm all about his supposed fine for jawing at Coach Petrino, but what's being ignored here is the (yet again) awful officiating in the NFL. Oh, and what's this crap about not playing him for a quarter or more in this Sunday's game? Have you seen the team's other corners? The guy is a tool, but he's good (remember, at the time of his meltdown, Steve Smith had zero catches for zero yards.) There's no need to punish the entire team even more for Hall's antics - hit him in the wallet, but keep him on the field. PICK: Baltimore

Chicago (-3) @ Detroit. And the Brian Griese era begins in Illinois. Whenever I feel bad about the Falcons' QB situation, I just look north. I'd take Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich eight days a week over Griese and Grossmann. PICK: Detroit

Green Bay (-3) @ Minnesota. Woo-hoo, Brett Favre is going to break the touchdowns record this weekend. Yeah, buddy. I love when ex-Falcons QBs flourish elsewhere. I mean, that's just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic. PICK: Green Bay

St. Louis @ Dallas (-13 1/2). If the Super Bowl ends up being New England vs. Dallas, I'm going to kill your dog. PICK: St. Louis

NY Jets (-3 1/2) @ Buffalo. So how fabulous is it that the New York Mets might miss the baseball postseason? I'm suddenly interested in baseball again, if only to root against the Mets the rest of the regular season, and against the Red Sox in the playoffs. If I can't think positive about a team (and I can't, as the Braves are out), I can rock my jollies by using hate as fuel. The Dark Side is strong with me. PICK: Buffalo

Tampa Bay @ Carolina (-3). If one game has to be attacked by terrorists this weekend, I choose this one. And that's saying something, since this isn't a bye week for the Patriots. PICK: Tampa Bay

Seattle (-2 1/2) @ San Francisco. After seeing Death Sentence a couple of weeks ago, I recently decided to go back to the source: the 1974 Charles Bronson vengeance classic Death Wish. And there's a movie that would never be made today. I mean, it's fantastic. It unequivocally states Bronson's character is a pussy for being a liberal, and only a visit to a gun club in the boonies opens his eyes up to the power of taking the law (and guns) into your own hands. Of course, I loved every second of it. Death Wish II is now in the top spot of my Netflix queue. (Although I'm not sure I'll go all the way to 1994's Death Wish V: The Face of Death, made when Bronson was 72). PICK: San Francisco

Pittsburgh (-6 1/2) @ Arizona.
The Steelers have won their first three games by 27, 23 and 21, so this spread seems awfully easy to pick. And that's why you have to go the other way. PICK: Arizona

Kansas City @ San Diego (-12).
The Scheduling Gods couldn't have been nicer to the floundering Chargers. PICK: San Diego

Denver @ Indianapolis (-10). Last week, I told you about the Vegas trick of 6 1/2 point spreads. Indy was favored over the Texans by that number, and I explained how the bookies use that to ensnare unwitting victims. As in, "The Colts only have to win by a single touchdown. That's gold, baby!" Of course, I went against my own advice and picked the Colts anyway. And then they go and win - by SIX. I hate gambling. I will definitely follow my other rule here, though: always bet against the 2007 Broncos. Though it seems the oddsmakers have adjusted their Shanahan-love a bit, this is gonna be a blow-out. PICK: Indianapolis

Philadelphia (-3) @ NY Giants. Ugh, can they both lose? PICK: Philadelphia

New England (-7 1/2) @ Cincinnati. Well, that's just great. My first-round fantasy pick, Bengals running back Rudi Johnson, will miss this game. And this is the same weekend my other RB, Reggie Bush, has a bye. Of course, since I've started an unblemished 3-0 - a begrudging thanks to Tom Brady, that dick - I guess I can afford to falter just a little. (By the way, the 7 1/2 point spread is the evil twin of the 6 1/2 one. Vegas is begging you to take the Bengals here. Don't be a sucker.) PICK: New England

Last week: 5-8-2

Overall: 22-21-4
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $110

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Stuff I think about

When you meet Michael Dudikoff at a party, does he introduce himself as "the guy from Bachelor Party" or "the guy from American Ninja?" Or maybe just as a guy who starred in a movie with Tom Hanks?

And a quick look at his IMDB page shows he starred in the first, second and fourth American Ninja films, but not the third. Was that script just not up to his lofty American Ninja standards?

This is going to keep me up tonight.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Three

I suck, I know.

The new job has officially started, and thus blogging has been weak. (I didn't think getting busted on the Internet would be quite the right way to start things off).

I will do better next week, but for now, here are the picks with lamentably brief commentary. You see, I'm gettin' ready to pack up the car and head to Alabama. Tailgating will commence shortly before dawn, and the Bulldogs will thrash the Crimson Tide shortly after dusk.

Life is good. Except for the picks. My bad.

The picks:

Buffalo @ New England (-17). This spread is just too big for an NFL game - or maybe that's what they want us to think. Nah. PICK: Buffalo

Miami @ NY Jets (-3). The winner is anybody who doesn't watch! Zing! PICK: Miami

San Diego (-6) @ Green Bay. Fantasy football note: a guy in my league just traded LaDainian Tomlinson and Cedric Benson for Shaun Alexander and Marion Barber. And he traded them to the guy who appears to be the league's biggest dick (other than myself, a'course). I wanted to throw up when I saw that. PICK: Green Bay

Detroit @ Philadelphia (-6). McNabb played the race card in a ridiculous fashion this week, and now I don't feel bad rooting against him. PICK: Detroit

Minnesota @ Kansas City (-3). The winner is anybody who doesn't wa ... what, it's been done? PICK: Minnesota

San Francisco @ Pittsburgh (-9). Speaking of San Francisco, I finally read the brilliant A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (part of it takes place there). Loved it to high heavens, even if I still have to look the title up on Amazon when mentioning it. PICK: San Francisco

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay (-4). I was impressed with the Buccaneer dismantling of New Orleans. Then again, I was impressed with Katrina's dismantling of New Orleans, so maybe I'm not a good source. PICK: St. Louis

Arizona @ Baltimore (-8). No idea why the spread is this high. PICK: Arizona

Indianapolis (-6 1/2) @ Houston. Ooh, Vegas's little tricky-trick. Put the spread at 6 1/2, and just wait for the amateurs to say, "All the Colts have to do is win by a touchdown? I'm taking that." And then the bookies rake the money in. Well, they can have mine too. PICK: Indianapolis

Jacksonville @ Denver (-3 1/2).
It looks like the lines are starting to right themselves when Denver is involved. As I've said before, they're not good. And they ain't good enough to cover here, either. PICK: Jacksonville

Cleveland @ Oakland (-3).
If you had told me Cincinnati would score 45 points against Cleveland last week, I'd have wagered my siblings. Trouble is, the Browns scored 51. See ya, sibs. PICK: Cleveland

Cincinnati @ Seattle (-3). And yet I'm still picking the Bengals here. Weird. PICK: Cincinnati

Carolina (-4) @ Atlanta. Ok, fine - the Falcons are 0-2. I refuse to write off the season quite yet, proving once again that I am ever the homerest homer that ever homered. Morten Andersen is back, though, baby! You can't forget that! Oh, and six wins might win you the NFC South. PICK: Atlanta

NY Giants @ Washington (-4). The 'Skins looked good Monday night. PICK: Washington

Dallas @ Chicago (-3). Everybody on the radio this afternoon was picking the Bears. So, of course ... PICK: Dallas

Tennessee @ New Orleans (-4).
I hate to say it, but I think the Saints bounce back here. PICK: New Orleans

Last week: 10-6

Overall: 17-13-2
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): up $270

Friday, September 14, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Two

Sorry for the delay, my friends. I've been busy doing - oh screw it, I've been lazy. I said it.

And that, my friends, is how bookies make their money.

In the inaugural week of Betcha Bottom Dollar, I came out of the gate a bit rusty. Seven right, seven wrong, and two pushes - and yet I still lost $70 by paying 10% on every loss (remember, this is fake money, but it still stings). Anyway, for the hundreds of you basing your real wagers on my prognostications, I promise to do better this week.


The picks:

Cincinnati (-7) @ Cleveland. Cleveland's Week One starting QB Charlie Frye will be a back-up this week - for the Seattle Seahawks. Actually, he'll likely be on the scout team for awhile. A midweek trade (the first-ever for a QB after the opener) jettisoned the ineffective Frye, only to ramp up hype that rookie Brady Quinn will see the field sooner than later. And running the risk of sounding like a broken record of a guy stuttering, Quinn is going to be a bust, and especially if he starts games this early (remember, he didn't even get a full training camp). All of these shenanigans make it appear the Browns have already given up on '07, which of course means ... PICK: Cincinnati

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh (-10). One big game from the Steelers, and they're already double-digit favorites? Yeah, I can see that. PICK: Pittsburgh

New Orleans (-4) @ Tampa Bay. One big loss from the Saints, and they're already low-digit favorites to the godawful Buccaneers? Nope, can't see that a bit. PICK: New Orleans

Indianapolis (-7 1/2) @ Tennessee. Last week, Tennessee was a 6 1/2 point underdog, and I told you they'd win outright. And of course, they did. That said, as much as I love the Titans this year, it's been a long time since I've seen a team as completely together as the Colts in game one. Offense, hellacious. Defense, perhaps even more so. The Titans will win more than they lose, but this one is going in the L column. PICK: Indianapolis

San Francisco @ St. Louis (-3). So since I don't care about this game, it's movie review time. I took off early from work after a really stupid, really long, really pointless corporate test. I went right to the closest theater to see what was starting - and there were a few choices. 3:10 to Yuma, a heralded western starring Oscar winner Russell Crowe ... the spectacularly reviewed Bourne Ultimatum, which I still haven't seen ... the latest Harry Potter, ditto ... but no, I wasn't having any of that classy crap. Instead, I decided to see - from the director of Saw - Death Sentence, which has Kevin Bacon as a vengeful father on a killing spree after his son is murdered. Kevin Bacon, bald head, revenge, killing spree - I mean, what's not to like? What's not to love? And, you know, it wasn't actually bad. True, it featured the world's dumbest detectives, a number of painful scenes involving the living kid, and its gang is hopelessly politically correct (it's the world's only white skinhead gang with a token black guy). But like I said: Bacon, revenge, killing. Oh, and he shaves his head before the big finale. Fucking awesome. And incidentally, one of the year's best scenes (when Bacon enters the parking garage, don't plan on going to the bathroom for a few minutes). A solid B-, which is pretty good for the year so far. PICK: San Francisco

Green Bay @ NY Giants (-2). I can't believe I'm letting Eli Manning's involvement sway me at all in picking this game. As of press time (publish time? post time?), Manning's status for New York is still in doubt. Somehow, I'm going to convince myself it doesn't matter either way. PICK: Green Bay

Houston @ Carolina (-7). This spread makes no sense to me. Carolina is not that good, and Houston could not be that bad. If you want locks o' the week, hit up New Orleans, and then head west to the Texans. PICK: Houston

Atlanta @ Jacksonville (-10). Alright, here we are. The Falcons get sort of manhandled in Week One (the score made it appear worse than it was), and all of a sudden they're double-digit dogs to a David Garrard team. I know I sound like a hopeless homer, and I know I actually am one, but I'm not counting Atlanta out yet. The defense actually stood tall against Minnesota, only giving up 10 points. And neither of Harrington's interceptions were awful. I'm not saying Atlanta is going to cover, oh no. I'm saying Atlanta is going to win. Remember, I told you this about Tennessee last week; I'm telling you the same thing here. PICK: Atlanta

Minnesota @ Detroit (-3 1/2).
So Calvin Johnson got a touchdown. That's adorable. PICK: Detroit

Dallas (-3 1/2) @ Miami.
If Cleveland gets the first pick in the draft next year, it goes to the Cowboys as compensation for the Brady Quinn deal. If that's not a reason to root for Cleveland, I don't know what is. PICK: Dallas

Seattle (-3) @ Arizona. Booooooorinnnnnng. PICK: Arizona

Kansas City @ Chicago (-12). Diiiiiiiiiiittttttooooooooo. PICK: Chicago

Oakland @ Denver (-10). Oakland sucks, big surprise. But I'm wondering how many weeks it'll take for everybody to realize Denver sucks this year too. PICK: Oakland

NY Jets @ Baltimore (-10). Baltimore should have taken last week's Cincinnati game to overtime, and got completely jobbed by a phantom offensive pass interference call at the end of the game. I loved the expression on Todd Heap's face; he looked at the ref and was ready to chew out whoever committed that penalty, and then about died when he realized it had been called on him. Crap, crap, crap officiating so far this year. PICK: Baltimore

San Diego @ CHEATER McCHEATERSON (-3 1/2).
I can't add anything to this New England mess than hasn't already been said, but it sure couldn't have happened to a nicer team. PICK: CHEATERS, because they cheat

Washington @ Philadelphia (-7). The Eagles certainly didn't prove anything to me last week. And I added Antwann Randle El to my fantasy team, so go 'Skins! PICK: Washington

Overall: 7-7-2
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $70

Monday, September 10, 2007

The last crusade, for reals this time

Yes, that's really the title of the fourth Indiana Jones film, due next May. A few things that bother me about this:

1) The Powers That Be decided to announce this title on MTV's Video Music Awards, presumably aware that 98% of the audience wasn't alive when 1981's Raiders of the Lost Ark - or hell, even 1989's Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - came out.

2) I get it, the Indiana Jones films are based on the old serials of Steven Spielberg's and George Lucas's youth. The titles Raiders of the Lost Ark and definitely Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom reflect that in spades. However, this one just seems a bit much - almost like a couple other Lucas "classics," The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones.

3) I really hate George Lucas. His participation could easily cloud any genius Spielberg brings to the proceedings.

The real legend of the crystal skull does hold some cool possibilities, though.

Friday, September 07, 2007

"Hey, It's Friday, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass Music Video!"

My personal favorite.

"I've made 10 good films," says John Cusack. "I'm sure you know which ones they are."

I'll play your game, you rogue. Starting at the beginning, here are the good films John Cusack has made - and I'll make it a little tougher. These are not simply good, but very good. Subtle, but strong difference there. And I'll omit cameos, so goodbye to Stand By Me, Broadcast News and Bob Roberts.

Very Good John Cusack Movies
Sixteen Candles (1984)
The Sure Thing (1985)
Better off Dead (1986)
Eight Men Out (1988)
Say Anything... (1989)
The Grifters (1990)
Bullets Over Broadway (1994)
Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
High Fidelity (2000)
Identity (2003)
1408 (2007)

So that's 12, and I haven't seen a couple dramas I'm sure Cusack would include - Max and Grace is Gone. I'm also certain he's counting The Thin Red Line, which I've long called The Thin Red Long-Ass Boring Pretentious Piece of Shit.

I think Mr. Cusack is selling himself a bit short, no? And heck, I even thought about including Runaway Jury, Pushing Tin, Serendipity and Con Air, which all have their charm.

Anybody who wants to make an argument for One Crazy Summer or Hot Pursuit can feel free.

Also feel free to watch this video without thinking of a particular Cusack film...

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Coltish behavior

So earlier this afternoon, I'm thinking to myself, "Is New Orleans really going to be that good? I mean, I know Drew Brees had a monster year in '06, but this was the guy San Diego really wanted to get rid of. Am I just going with the flow in thinking they're going to dominate in '07?"

And then I picked them to cover against the Colts.


At least I can revel in the fact the Falcons are atop the NFC South right now.

Brighter days

Things are understandably bleak over at The M Zone, a hugely prolific Michigan football blog. Reveling in their pain has been quite amusing, but this is perhaps the highlight.

A shocking turn of ev... yawn...

From the AP: Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs apologized and offered $100 credits Thursday to customers who shelled out $599 for the most advanced model of the iPhone, only to have the company unexpectedly slash the price $200 in a push to boost holiday sales.

Unexpectedly? Really?

The only retards who didn't expect this were the retards who paid $600 in the first place.

(That said, they are cool.)

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week One

re: server issues

Mr. Massey: I just wanted to let you know about the extreme problems your blog is causing our servers. It seems that a huge number of people - possibly into the hundreds of thousands - are visiting your site every minute of every day, doing nothing but hitting the "refresh" key over and over and over. What are they looking for?! Unless something changes, we are going to have to take your site offline, and trust me, that's something we don't want to do. Martians Attacking Indianapolis is truly our bread and butter, not only our wittiest and most well-written blog, but also managed by the best-looking blogger we know. (Oh, and the secretary pool thanks you for the bathing suit shots, by the way.) Anyway, please figure out the source of the problem - our servers can't take it much longer!

OK, people! Chill. I apologize for the delay, but the NFL picks column is finally back. Take a deep breath.

Refresher course: Last year I started a weekly NFL picks column. It was a purely selfish affair, created only to keep me from gambling real money. I laid a fake $50 on each game, and kept track of my fake winnings and fake losings all year. In the end, I went 99-88-3, which if you factor in a fake 10% juice on losses, had me winning $110. A fake $110, mind you.

With that imaginary money on the line, it gave me enough of a rooting interest to avoid gambling real money. I have a spectacularly weak mind, you see, and am hoping that's the case again.

Hold the phone, though! The fake stakes are being raised! Instead of wagering a fake $50 on each game, every bet in 2007 is going to be A FAKE $100! Put that in your fake pipe and pretend to smoke it, bitches!

Alright, so the Indianapolis Colts and the Chocolate City Non-Swimmers kick off the NFL season tonight in a truly manly fashion - closing for a concert by Faith Hill and Kelly Osbour - oops, Clarkson. Pro football once again shows it has the pulse on its viewership. Maybe Kenny G is doing the halftime gig.

The picks:

New Orleans @ Indianapolis (-6 1/2). Ok, this game is in Indiana, so we're done with knob-slobbering Katrina stories, right? I mean, hell, the King of All Knob-Slobberings will come on Saturday with School Shootings vs. Katrina, so please spare me this one. Alright, as much as I'd like the Colts to send the Saints ridin' a huge tidal wave back to N.O., I can't make the pick. Brees + Bush + Colston + Charles Freakin' Grant equals at least a cover. PICK: New Orleans

Kansas City @ Houston (-3). Thank you to the Kansas City Chiefs for participating in yet another fascinating season of HBO's "Hard Knocks." It's going to be slightly harder to see you guys go 3-13 now. PICK: Houston

Denver (-3) @ Buffalo. Is anybody interested in this game outside of Denver or Buffalo? Is anybody interested in this game inside Denver or Buffalo? PICK: Buffalo

Pittsburgh (-5 1/2) @ Cleveland. The Browns have wisely decided not to start Brady Quinn to open the season. First of all, I'm absolutely certain Quinn is a lot closer to Ryan Leaf than Peyton Manning, but second, no rookie should start their pro career facing the defenses of Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Oakland, Baltimore and New England. In a row. PICK: Cleveland

Tennessee @ Jacksonville (-6 1/2). Color me shocked that Atlanta hasn't yet picked up discarded Jax QB Byron Leftwich. The Falcons are headed into Sunday with only two quarterbacks on its roster, and one of them is Chris Redman for God's sake. That means if Harring - oh right, this isn't the Falcons pick. Yadda yadda yadda, Titans win outright. PICK: Tennessee

Carolina @ St. Louis (-1 1/2). When Bill Simmons refrains writing about Boston - which is like once every two years - he can be counted on for a keen insight or two. I liked this bit from his NFL column this week: "As for the Rams, I'm abstaining from writing a Rams paragraph in protest of the fact Michael Vick is getting blacklisted from the NFL, while Leonard Little continues to suit up every weekend." Now don't translate that as a defense of Vick; I'm glad he's gone and I hope he stays that way for quite awhile. I just don't see how the NFL can justify having Little in the league. This guy decided to drive drunk, killed a woman - and got 90 days in jail for his efforts. Oh, and then he got arrested for drunk driving again. The Rams signed him to a 3-year, $19.5 million extension last year, by the way. Susan Gutweiler is still dead. PICK: St. Louis

Philadelphia (-3) @ Green Bay. Has a guy been more royally fucked over than Aaron Rodgers? First, he could have been the first pick of the draft, but falls to 24th through no fault of his own (damn near nobody needed a QB). And then he ends up in Green Bay, as perennial bridesmaid behind gonna-retire-nope-not-gonna-retire Brett Favre, who should have in fact retired two years ago. PICK: Philadelphia

Atlanta @ Minnesota (-3).
We all know the stuff Atlanta has gone through this offseason, and absolutely nobody is thinking they're going to make a playoff run, much less go to the Super Bowl. Well, you guessed it, except me. This season is going to be so damn inspirational that they'll make a movie out of it in a couple years. William H. Macy as Bobby Petrino, Donald Faison as Michael Vick, Remy from Ratatouille as Arthur Blank, Morgan Freeman as Warrick Dunn, and Ben Affleck in a career-rejuvenating role as Joey Harrington. The best part of the movie will be the Super Bowl itself, when Harrington is carted off only to have a hobbling D.J. Shockley (Shia LeBeouf) emerge from the tunnel to throw an 80-yard, game-winning touchdown. And the legend begins in Week One. (It can't be a good sign, though, that as I type this, the Falcons website's gameday countdown says "2 days, 24 hours, 41 minutes.") PICK: Atlanta

Miami @ Washington (-3).
Trent Green vs. Jason Campbell! Feel the excitement! PICK: Miami

New England (-6 1/2) @ NY Jets. Tom Brady is my fantasy squad's quarterback, so I'm forced to root for my least favorite team (yes, I hate them even more than the Saints). Of course, part of me is hoping Brady goes down with three broken legs, if only because I can then start backup Joey Harrington without question. Until then, though, I'm 'fraid the Pats are going to roll. PICK: New England

Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-6). Alright, let's take one last look at this NFC South thing. Everybody is picking the Saints to win the division, and I can't really argue with that. Trouble is, everybody is also uniformly putting Atlanta behind Carolina (QB battle between Jake Delhomme and David Carr) and Tampa Bay (QB battle between 74-year-old Jeff Garcia, 15-year-old Chris Simms, and 18 other guys cut by teams last year). Am I that crazy for thinking Atlanta could end up second? PICK: Seattle

Chicago @ San Diego (-6 1/2). It baffles me Chicago didn't go out and sign a big-name QB. It baffles me Brian Griese can't even make Lovie Smith temporarily question his allegiance to Rex Grossman. And despite all that, it baffles me they are 6 1/2-point dogs to anybody. PICK: Chicago

Detroit @ Oakland (-1 1/2). Detroit's opponents can only hope Calvin Johnson will have as much success against them as The Almighty Receiver managed to have against my Georgia Bulldogs - 71 yards in three matchups. TOTAL. What, have I used that stat before? PICK: Detroit

NY Giants @ Dallas (-6).
I'll go ahead and point out the trend to this weekly picks. I'm much more wordy up top, and get significantly lazier the more I type. Especially when I have to do awful things like pick the Cowboys. Early prediction: the Giants go 5-11. PICK: Dallas

Baltimore @ Cincinnati (-3). Baltimore was my Super Bowl pick last year, but they ain't foolin' me twice (it's San Diego vs. Philadelphia, if you must know). PICK: Baltimore

Arizona @ San Francisco (-3). If The Girl has read this far, I'll buy her a nice dinner on Friday. She says she actually likes these columns; we'll see. PICK: Arizona

Overall: 0-0-0
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): $0

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A helluva, helluva, helluva long time

How can it possibly take engineers almost three months to repair one damn car?

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Big Brother is diagnosing you

Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards cares about us so much, he says the government should make us visit the doctor. Whether we want to or not.

Speaking of his universal health care proposal, he says (emphasis mine), "It requires that everybody be covered. It requires that everybody get preventive care. If you are going to be in the system, you can't choose not to go to the doctor for 20 years. You have to go in and be checked and make sure that you are OK."

All hail the wise and benevolent government masters!

Now here's a link to the complete text of the United States Constitution. Can somebody please find where it states the government's role in mandating medical care? Or hell, here's the Bill of Rights. Anything in there about the right to free health care? Anything?

This, of course, is another example of why I will never vote Democrat, despite how much I increasingly loathe the Republicans.