Thursday, September 06, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week One

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Mr. Massey: I just wanted to let you know about the extreme problems your blog is causing our servers. It seems that a huge number of people - possibly into the hundreds of thousands - are visiting your site every minute of every day, doing nothing but hitting the "refresh" key over and over and over. What are they looking for?! Unless something changes, we are going to have to take your site offline, and trust me, that's something we don't want to do. Martians Attacking Indianapolis is truly our bread and butter, not only our wittiest and most well-written blog, but also managed by the best-looking blogger we know. (Oh, and the secretary pool thanks you for the bathing suit shots, by the way.) Anyway, please figure out the source of the problem - our servers can't take it much longer!

OK, people! Chill. I apologize for the delay, but the NFL picks column is finally back. Take a deep breath.

Refresher course: Last year I started a weekly NFL picks column. It was a purely selfish affair, created only to keep me from gambling real money. I laid a fake $50 on each game, and kept track of my fake winnings and fake losings all year. In the end, I went 99-88-3, which if you factor in a fake 10% juice on losses, had me winning $110. A fake $110, mind you.

With that imaginary money on the line, it gave me enough of a rooting interest to avoid gambling real money. I have a spectacularly weak mind, you see, and am hoping that's the case again.

Hold the phone, though! The fake stakes are being raised! Instead of wagering a fake $50 on each game, every bet in 2007 is going to be A FAKE $100! Put that in your fake pipe and pretend to smoke it, bitches!

Alright, so the Indianapolis Colts and the Chocolate City Non-Swimmers kick off the NFL season tonight in a truly manly fashion - closing for a concert by Faith Hill and Kelly Osbour - oops, Clarkson. Pro football once again shows it has the pulse on its viewership. Maybe Kenny G is doing the halftime gig.

The picks:

New Orleans @ Indianapolis (-6 1/2). Ok, this game is in Indiana, so we're done with knob-slobbering Katrina stories, right? I mean, hell, the King of All Knob-Slobberings will come on Saturday with School Shootings vs. Katrina, so please spare me this one. Alright, as much as I'd like the Colts to send the Saints ridin' a huge tidal wave back to N.O., I can't make the pick. Brees + Bush + Colston + Charles Freakin' Grant equals at least a cover. PICK: New Orleans

Kansas City @ Houston (-3). Thank you to the Kansas City Chiefs for participating in yet another fascinating season of HBO's "Hard Knocks." It's going to be slightly harder to see you guys go 3-13 now. PICK: Houston

Denver (-3) @ Buffalo. Is anybody interested in this game outside of Denver or Buffalo? Is anybody interested in this game inside Denver or Buffalo? PICK: Buffalo

Pittsburgh (-5 1/2) @ Cleveland. The Browns have wisely decided not to start Brady Quinn to open the season. First of all, I'm absolutely certain Quinn is a lot closer to Ryan Leaf than Peyton Manning, but second, no rookie should start their pro career facing the defenses of Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Oakland, Baltimore and New England. In a row. PICK: Cleveland

Tennessee @ Jacksonville (-6 1/2). Color me shocked that Atlanta hasn't yet picked up discarded Jax QB Byron Leftwich. The Falcons are headed into Sunday with only two quarterbacks on its roster, and one of them is Chris Redman for God's sake. That means if Harring - oh right, this isn't the Falcons pick. Yadda yadda yadda, Titans win outright. PICK: Tennessee

Carolina @ St. Louis (-1 1/2). When Bill Simmons refrains writing about Boston - which is like once every two years - he can be counted on for a keen insight or two. I liked this bit from his NFL column this week: "As for the Rams, I'm abstaining from writing a Rams paragraph in protest of the fact Michael Vick is getting blacklisted from the NFL, while Leonard Little continues to suit up every weekend." Now don't translate that as a defense of Vick; I'm glad he's gone and I hope he stays that way for quite awhile. I just don't see how the NFL can justify having Little in the league. This guy decided to drive drunk, killed a woman - and got 90 days in jail for his efforts. Oh, and then he got arrested for drunk driving again. The Rams signed him to a 3-year, $19.5 million extension last year, by the way. Susan Gutweiler is still dead. PICK: St. Louis

Philadelphia (-3) @ Green Bay. Has a guy been more royally fucked over than Aaron Rodgers? First, he could have been the first pick of the draft, but falls to 24th through no fault of his own (damn near nobody needed a QB). And then he ends up in Green Bay, as perennial bridesmaid behind gonna-retire-nope-not-gonna-retire Brett Favre, who should have in fact retired two years ago. PICK: Philadelphia

Atlanta @ Minnesota (-3).
We all know the stuff Atlanta has gone through this offseason, and absolutely nobody is thinking they're going to make a playoff run, much less go to the Super Bowl. Well, you guessed it, except me. This season is going to be so damn inspirational that they'll make a movie out of it in a couple years. William H. Macy as Bobby Petrino, Donald Faison as Michael Vick, Remy from Ratatouille as Arthur Blank, Morgan Freeman as Warrick Dunn, and Ben Affleck in a career-rejuvenating role as Joey Harrington. The best part of the movie will be the Super Bowl itself, when Harrington is carted off only to have a hobbling D.J. Shockley (Shia LeBeouf) emerge from the tunnel to throw an 80-yard, game-winning touchdown. And the legend begins in Week One. (It can't be a good sign, though, that as I type this, the Falcons website's gameday countdown says "2 days, 24 hours, 41 minutes.") PICK: Atlanta

Miami @ Washington (-3).
Trent Green vs. Jason Campbell! Feel the excitement! PICK: Miami

New England (-6 1/2) @ NY Jets. Tom Brady is my fantasy squad's quarterback, so I'm forced to root for my least favorite team (yes, I hate them even more than the Saints). Of course, part of me is hoping Brady goes down with three broken legs, if only because I can then start backup Joey Harrington without question. Until then, though, I'm 'fraid the Pats are going to roll. PICK: New England

Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-6). Alright, let's take one last look at this NFC South thing. Everybody is picking the Saints to win the division, and I can't really argue with that. Trouble is, everybody is also uniformly putting Atlanta behind Carolina (QB battle between Jake Delhomme and David Carr) and Tampa Bay (QB battle between 74-year-old Jeff Garcia, 15-year-old Chris Simms, and 18 other guys cut by teams last year). Am I that crazy for thinking Atlanta could end up second? PICK: Seattle

Chicago @ San Diego (-6 1/2). It baffles me Chicago didn't go out and sign a big-name QB. It baffles me Brian Griese can't even make Lovie Smith temporarily question his allegiance to Rex Grossman. And despite all that, it baffles me they are 6 1/2-point dogs to anybody. PICK: Chicago

Detroit @ Oakland (-1 1/2). Detroit's opponents can only hope Calvin Johnson will have as much success against them as The Almighty Receiver managed to have against my Georgia Bulldogs - 71 yards in three matchups. TOTAL. What, have I used that stat before? PICK: Detroit

NY Giants @ Dallas (-6).
I'll go ahead and point out the trend to this weekly picks. I'm much more wordy up top, and get significantly lazier the more I type. Especially when I have to do awful things like pick the Cowboys. Early prediction: the Giants go 5-11. PICK: Dallas

Baltimore @ Cincinnati (-3). Baltimore was my Super Bowl pick last year, but they ain't foolin' me twice (it's San Diego vs. Philadelphia, if you must know). PICK: Baltimore

Arizona @ San Francisco (-3). If The Girl has read this far, I'll buy her a nice dinner on Friday. She says she actually likes these columns; we'll see. PICK: Arizona

Overall: 0-0-0
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): $0

1 comment:

The Girl said...

Can't wait for dinner tomorrow night!