Friday, September 14, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Two

Sorry for the delay, my friends. I've been busy doing - oh screw it, I've been lazy. I said it.

And that, my friends, is how bookies make their money.

In the inaugural week of Betcha Bottom Dollar, I came out of the gate a bit rusty. Seven right, seven wrong, and two pushes - and yet I still lost $70 by paying 10% on every loss (remember, this is fake money, but it still stings). Anyway, for the hundreds of you basing your real wagers on my prognostications, I promise to do better this week.

Maybe.

The picks:

Cincinnati (-7) @ Cleveland. Cleveland's Week One starting QB Charlie Frye will be a back-up this week - for the Seattle Seahawks. Actually, he'll likely be on the scout team for awhile. A midweek trade (the first-ever for a QB after the opener) jettisoned the ineffective Frye, only to ramp up hype that rookie Brady Quinn will see the field sooner than later. And running the risk of sounding like a broken record of a guy stuttering, Quinn is going to be a bust, and especially if he starts games this early (remember, he didn't even get a full training camp). All of these shenanigans make it appear the Browns have already given up on '07, which of course means ... PICK: Cincinnati

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh (-10). One big game from the Steelers, and they're already double-digit favorites? Yeah, I can see that. PICK: Pittsburgh

New Orleans (-4) @ Tampa Bay. One big loss from the Saints, and they're already low-digit favorites to the godawful Buccaneers? Nope, can't see that a bit. PICK: New Orleans

Indianapolis (-7 1/2) @ Tennessee. Last week, Tennessee was a 6 1/2 point underdog, and I told you they'd win outright. And of course, they did. That said, as much as I love the Titans this year, it's been a long time since I've seen a team as completely together as the Colts in game one. Offense, hellacious. Defense, perhaps even more so. The Titans will win more than they lose, but this one is going in the L column. PICK: Indianapolis

San Francisco @ St. Louis (-3). So since I don't care about this game, it's movie review time. I took off early from work after a really stupid, really long, really pointless corporate test. I went right to the closest theater to see what was starting - and there were a few choices. 3:10 to Yuma, a heralded western starring Oscar winner Russell Crowe ... the spectacularly reviewed Bourne Ultimatum, which I still haven't seen ... the latest Harry Potter, ditto ... but no, I wasn't having any of that classy crap. Instead, I decided to see - from the director of Saw - Death Sentence, which has Kevin Bacon as a vengeful father on a killing spree after his son is murdered. Kevin Bacon, bald head, revenge, killing spree - I mean, what's not to like? What's not to love? And, you know, it wasn't actually bad. True, it featured the world's dumbest detectives, a number of painful scenes involving the living kid, and its gang is hopelessly politically correct (it's the world's only white skinhead gang with a token black guy). But like I said: Bacon, revenge, killing. Oh, and he shaves his head before the big finale. Fucking awesome. And incidentally, one of the year's best scenes (when Bacon enters the parking garage, don't plan on going to the bathroom for a few minutes). A solid B-, which is pretty good for the year so far. PICK: San Francisco

Green Bay @ NY Giants (-2). I can't believe I'm letting Eli Manning's involvement sway me at all in picking this game. As of press time (publish time? post time?), Manning's status for New York is still in doubt. Somehow, I'm going to convince myself it doesn't matter either way. PICK: Green Bay

Houston @ Carolina (-7). This spread makes no sense to me. Carolina is not that good, and Houston could not be that bad. If you want locks o' the week, hit up New Orleans, and then head west to the Texans. PICK: Houston

Atlanta @ Jacksonville (-10). Alright, here we are. The Falcons get sort of manhandled in Week One (the score made it appear worse than it was), and all of a sudden they're double-digit dogs to a David Garrard team. I know I sound like a hopeless homer, and I know I actually am one, but I'm not counting Atlanta out yet. The defense actually stood tall against Minnesota, only giving up 10 points. And neither of Harrington's interceptions were awful. I'm not saying Atlanta is going to cover, oh no. I'm saying Atlanta is going to win. Remember, I told you this about Tennessee last week; I'm telling you the same thing here. PICK: Atlanta

Minnesota @ Detroit (-3 1/2).
So Calvin Johnson got a touchdown. That's adorable. PICK: Detroit

Dallas (-3 1/2) @ Miami.
If Cleveland gets the first pick in the draft next year, it goes to the Cowboys as compensation for the Brady Quinn deal. If that's not a reason to root for Cleveland, I don't know what is. PICK: Dallas

Seattle (-3) @ Arizona. Booooooorinnnnnng. PICK: Arizona

Kansas City @ Chicago (-12). Diiiiiiiiiiittttttooooooooo. PICK: Chicago

Oakland @ Denver (-10). Oakland sucks, big surprise. But I'm wondering how many weeks it'll take for everybody to realize Denver sucks this year too. PICK: Oakland

NY Jets @ Baltimore (-10). Baltimore should have taken last week's Cincinnati game to overtime, and got completely jobbed by a phantom offensive pass interference call at the end of the game. I loved the expression on Todd Heap's face; he looked at the ref and was ready to chew out whoever committed that penalty, and then about died when he realized it had been called on him. Crap, crap, crap officiating so far this year. PICK: Baltimore

San Diego @ CHEATER McCHEATERSON (-3 1/2).
I can't add anything to this New England mess than hasn't already been said, but it sure couldn't have happened to a nicer team. PICK: CHEATERS, because they cheat

Washington @ Philadelphia (-7). The Eagles certainly didn't prove anything to me last week. And I added Antwann Randle El to my fantasy team, so go 'Skins! PICK: Washington

Overall: 7-7-2
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $70


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