Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Fun With Google: The Quickening

It's been awhile, but now seems like a perfect time for another game of "How the Hell Did You Get Here?"

All the fun is brought to you courtesy of Sitemeter, that little tag at the bottom of this page. It helps figure how you lovely Surfers O' Yon Internet were brought to Martians Attacking Indianapolis.

These recent Google searches delivered people to my Internet doorstep. I have not adjusted any of them, for spelling, grammar, or human decency:

  • two and half men generic music
  • +Adewale +oz +penis
  • less here than meets the eye
  • "punk cover" "eternal flame"
  • john mcginty scrubs
  • pinko kikuchi
  • "Joshua Massey", "love"
  • Peru OR indiana "Joshua Massey"
  • who remade in the 90s- making love out of nothing at all - remix
  • todd marinovich mug shot
  • Tom Rothrock - Briefcase
  • emmy 2006 scrubs
  • brian retkin
  • To The Dave Grusin in "The Bonfire of the Vanities" and "The Goonies"
  • one 44 two 45s three loaded clips
  • what does hands down mean?
  • moscone bail bonds t shirt
  • ben roethlisberger's cock
  • subtlety of a jackhammer
  • benjamin carr drown
  • Moby martians
  • "what do bombs look like"
  • spider-man 3 sucked
  • jesus is magic
  • cleta winslow strip club
  • tickle pile
  • why spiderman 3 sucked?
  • martians indianapolis
  • "higher than pope" myspace
  • Omar Haugabook 2008 draft
  • georgia tech university, north avenue trade schools, nerds

Ok, obviously the last one is my favorite, and it fills my life with joy that this blog is one of Google's first 10 hits for that phrase.

Also, I would love to think that "'Joshua Massey,' 'love'" had anything to do with me, but it's probably some 15-year-old girl stalking a boy in her Algebra II class. Lastly, I have no idea where or when I talked about Ben Roethlisberger's cock, or why people are so interested in it, but that hit came up more than once. A lot more. And since I'm on a work computer, I ain't going to try to find out.

Monday, October 29, 2007

If I got my way...

The place: Sanford Stadium, a gloriously cool autumn afternoon between the hedges.

The date: Saturday, November 3rd, 2007.

The time: 3:12 p.m.

The setting: Georgia has its football game firmly in hand, leading Troy 34-0 with a quarter to play. The Bulldogs are anti-Belichicks, already playing some second- and third-string guys on defense, resting their big Dawgs for Auburn.

Troy QB Omar Haugabook, playing with a tender hammy, hasn't had a great day. Five sacks, two interceptions, and a fumble. With 13 minutes to go, however, he launches one, and somehow finds WR Josh Allen alone in the endzone. Six points.

Trojans coach Larry Blakeney immediately signals to his players, and the entire team rushes the field and celebrates the score in the endzone. Two flags fly, and Troy is called for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Mark Richt, grinning ear-to-ear, declines the penalties.

(Ok, I don't think you can decline unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. But this post is titled "If I got my way..." for a reason, dammit.)

Friday, October 26, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: NFL Week 8

Truncation. It's something I've never been accused of.

Alas, today's picks column will likely be truncated, as I am in the process of finishing up the work week, packing my bags, scalping tickets, loading The Girl's car, and otherwise getting ready to head to Jacksonville for the annual Georgia-Florida game. While a Bulldog victory might not necessarily be in the cards, at least there's a case of Natural Light in the trunk.

Good times.

The picks:

Cleveland (-3) @ St. Louis. While the masses are paying attention to the possible undefeatedness of the Colts and Patriots, the Rams are quietly looking more-and-more like the NFL's first-ever 0-16 team. And Vegas is noticing - the Browns are a freaking road favorite. The Browns. From Cleveland. Yes, the ones with the orange helmets. Those. And furthermore, I'm actually picking them. True, the Rams still have to entertain the Falcons in Missouri, and have visits to San Francisco and Arizona coming up, but from where's I'm sitting, 0-16 is a far likelier possibility than 16-0 this year. PICK: Cleveland

Detroit @ Chicago (-5). PICK: Chicago

Indianapolis (-7) @ Carolina. Here's my lock of the week: the broadcasters of this game will say the word "Patriots" more than the word "Panthers." Next week's Patriots/Colts game will, in fact, dominate discussion in almost every game, just because this week is so boring. PICK: Indianapolis

NY Giants (-10) @ Miami. The Dolphins, NFL's other winless team, will be 0-8 after Sunday, but has an easier path to Win No. 1 than the Rams. Buffalo is on the schedule twice, along with home games against the Jets and Bengals. I don't think the Dolphin faithful will be happy with 2-14, but it ain't a doughnut. PICK: NY Giants

Oakland @ Tennessee (-7 1/2). PICK: Tennessee

Philadelphia (-1) @ Minnesota. PICK: Philadelphia

Pittsburgh (-4) @ Cincinnati. PICK: Cincinnati

Buffalo @ NY Jets (-3). This game has all the excitement of hot sick. PICK: Buffalo

Houston @ San Diego (-7 1/2). As of press time, there's no spread for this game due to Matt Schaub's gimpiness and, quite possibly, the uncertainty surrounding where this game will actually be played (doggone wildfires). So I'm making it up. I'll update when I can, but my darn work computers won't let me access gambling websites. Prudes. PICK: San Diego

One of the bigger Internet sportsbooks has San Diego by 9 - I was close. Anyway, I'm stickin' with the Bolts.

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay (-4).
I'm spending the next few days in Jaguar country, so I'll let that sway my pick. All good bettors let stuff like that influence them. PICK: Jacksonville

New Orleans (-3) @ San Francisco.
Two weeks ago, I wrote "There's this silly little gnawing feeling I'm getting that New Orleans is about to explode for eight straight wins." Two down, six to go. PICK: New Orleans

Washington @ New England (-17). I don't think I'll be able to handle the Red Sox winning the World Series or the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, much less both. And then I had to watch Virginia Tech completely fall apart to Boston College just hours after I got the new Sports Illustrated with the Boston Celtics on the cover. This world sucks. I want a new one. PICK: Washington

Green Bay @ Denver (-3). Come on Rockies, you sons of bitches! PICK: Green Bay

Last week: 8-6

Overall: 49-45-6
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $50

Monday, October 22, 2007

First bloodier

January's Rambo - aka John Rambo - aka Rambo IV - aka Rambo IV: The Greatest Fucking Movie Of All Fucking Time and Don't You Fucking Forget It or Stallone Will Strangle You With His Cock - has been rated R for "strong graphic bloody violence, sexual assaults, grisly images and language."

This movie sounds like a perfect steak dinner. Strong. Graphic. Bloody. Grisly. With a side of sexual assaults.

Here's what the box office top 10 will look like after Rambo's opening weekend:

1) Rambo - $412.5 million

Yes, that's right. Every ticket sold will be for Rambo. All other theaters will be vacant, all other movies will play to empty chairs. Kids will try to buy a ticket for a PG-rated movie with hope of sneaking in, but the usher will say, "Don't fret, little one. We won't hide the glory from you." And then they'll get a ticket, and all will be right in the world. Because it's Rambo.

The countdown has begun

With the losses by South Carolina and Tennessee on Saturday, this weekend has become a lot more interesting.

Yes, I'm still proud of that sign.

Friday, October 19, 2007

30 Going On 13

The Siblings are 30 today.

Happy birthday, douchebags.

Sir, do we get to win this time?

"Rambo, John J. Born 7-6-47 in Boey, Arizona. Of Indian-German descent - that's a hell of a combination. Joined the army 8-6-64. Accepted special forces, specialization: light weapon, medic, helicopter and language qualified. 59 confirmed kills. Two Silver Stars, four Bronze, four Purple Hearts. Distinguished Service Cross and Medal of Honor. You got around, didn't you?"
-Marshall Murdock, Rambo: First Blood Part II

In 1982, there was First Blood.

In 1985, there was Rambo: First Blood Part II.

In 1988, there was Rambo III.

And in 2008, we'll have - Rambo.

Ok, so I'm not getting how a film series goes from being called First Blood to Rambo III and then just Rambo (as opposed to Rambo IV, or more logically, First Blood IV.) But whatever, I couldn't be more excited.

And we all know great movies come out in January. Right? RIGHT?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: NFL Week 7

Last week, I began this column by talking about a liberating country drive I'd taken. "My Mustang rolled onto I-20 West, windows down, the perfect fall weather tunneling across my face," I wrote. "I blasted not the iPod, but..."

"I blasted not my iPod, but..."

"I blasted not my iPod, but..."

You just don't appreciate your loved ones until they're gone.

On Tuesday morning, I went to my car and found shattered glass littered by the door and across the front seat, and nothing but air where the window had sat the night before. I quickly put my deductive skills to the test.

With a cunning mix of analytical reasoning and laser-precision observation, I came to a logical conclusion: some asshole had stolen my shit.

None much was taken, but the iPod was gone. The iPod full of U2, Hootie and the entire Karate Kid soundtrack. The iPod with the second season of "The Office," the World of Warcraft episode of "South Park," and a random, not-sure-how-that-got-there "Alias." The iPod with songs by Daughtry and Avril Lavigne, which I always blamed on The Girl. My iPod. Mine. Gone.

It's one of those moments where Fear jumps up on its creaky knees, only to get a quick switchblade in the neck courtesy of Rage. And Rage turns into one racist son of a bitch, swilling his Jack and Bile, slapping an imaginary Persian whore, looking around for barbed wire to fuck.

And then Rage leaves - somewhat - and is followed by Der Slump of Der Shoulders. And Der Slump calls your boss and tells him you'll be late.

The picks:

Arizona @ Washington (-8 1/2). Just a couple of weeks ago, radio talk shows across the country were debating the merits of Arizona's quarterback carousel of Matt Leinart and Kurt Warner. And now both of those guys are out, and the Cards turn to Tim Rattay. That explanation is for anyone asking, "How the hell is Washington favored by eight-and-a-half over anyone?" PICK: Washington

Atlanta @ New Orleans (-8). In a span of 14 days, I've shifted from "We still have an outside shot at the division!" to "Let's just go 1-15 and get the first pick in the draft!" And I think starting Byron Leftwich is a perfect way to achieve the latter. Joey Harrington has not been the problem, folks. He's played better than damn near anybody thought he would. And putting an even less mobile QB behind that awful O-line ain't gonna make anything prettier. Now if I were cynical - and tha-ha-ha-at's a big "if," folks - I'd think the Falcons were just trying to placate their huge black fanbase (largest percentage of black season ticket-holders in the NFL) by starting Leftwich, and basically just writing off their season. If I were cynical. PICK: New Orleans

Baltimore (-3) @ Buffalo. Baltimore is 4-2, but feels like a 2-4 team. Buffalo is 1-4, but feels like, well, maybe a 2-3 team after their strong performance against Dallas. So we'll let homefield decide this one. PICK: Buffalo

New England (-17) @ Miami. What does it say about a team when you ask yourself, "They're only favored by 17?" I hated myself for taking Tom Brady in my fantasy draft, but yeah, I'm slowly getting over it. PICK: New England

San Francisco @ NY Giants (-9). A recent poll asked participants to name the SEC's all-time best quarterback, given six options to choose from. While the exclusion of the Georgia duo Eric Zeier and David Greene were glaring, even more offensive was the inclusion of Eli Manning over those two (and about a hundred others.) I saw the guy play up close in college, and I can promise you he went high in the draft solely because of his last name. He might have been a second rounder if his name had been Eli Jenkins, but not anywhere close to the top five. Of course, when this plain fact was theorized on the "Monday Night Football" broadcast last week, the guys in the booth acted like somebody sharted on their Tiddly Winks. PICK: NY Giants

Tampa Bay @ Detroit (-2 1/2). About a month ago, I predicted the final standings of the NFC South thusly: 1) New Orleans, 2) Atlanta, 3) Carolina, 4) Tampa Bay. Yup, you guessed it - if the season were to end today, it would be the exact opposite. Of course, the season won't end today, and the Saints will definitely leapfrog the Falcons and perhaps everybody else as well. Not this weekend, though. PICK: Tampa Bay

Tennessee (-1) @ Houston. I'll take Team That Beat Atlanta over Team That Atlanta Beat. PICK: Tennessee

Kansas City @ Oakland (-3). A big story in Atlanta today is that the local government is about to ban under-21s from, among other things, working in strip clubs. Now, I haven't been in a strip club in years, and I truthfully don't care who works in them. However, this is the quote that really made me crack my neck in frustration: "We need to help our young ladies feel like they have some self-worth," said Councilwoman Cleta Winslow. "We need to be more about protecting our young people. Even at 18 because the mind is not as mature at that level." Ok, aside from the fact that in this woman's eyes 18-year-olds can die in war but not take their clothes off for money, IT IS NOT THE GOVERNMENT'S JOB TO ENSURE FEELINGS OF SELF-WORTH. Jesus, why can't people grasp simple facts like that? ... Oh right, this game is boring. Sorry. PICK: Kansas City

NY Jets @ Cincinnati (-6 1/2). This game is pretty boring too, so I was about to go into a rant about Maine middle schools giving birth control to 11-year-olds - but then I thought, hey, I don't want 11-year-olds having kids so whatever, and at least we can watch this game to see if Bengals coach Marvin Lewis gets fired by the 4th quarter. Maybe we can give birth control - or sterilizations - to parents who let their 11-year-olds get pregnant? PICK: NY Jets

Minnesota @ Dallas (-9 1/2).
The Cowboys will play pissed off, which isn't good for the Vikings. No, not because of the New England loss, but because Carrie Underwood has moved on from Mr. Romo. They support their quarterbacks in Big D. PICK: Dallas

Chicago @ Philadelphia (-6).
On Tuesday night, deputies arrested Andy Reid's oldest son, which gives the Eagles coach two sons behind bars. Reid's kids have been in a lot of trouble this past year, mostly involving charming things like heroin, and a lot of people have blamed the coach for not being at home enough. Of course, if the Eagles fall to 2-4 on Sunday, he'll probably have a lot more time to spend with the kids. PICK: Chicago

St. Louis @ Seattle (-8 1/2). The Rams get their first win of the year, on the road. Upset special, baby. PICK: St. Louis

Pittsburgh (-3 1/2) @ Denver. Trounce. Add 10 to the spread and still take the Steelers. PICK: Pittsburgh

Indianapolis (-3) @ Jacksonville.
"Pardon the Interruption" has been one of my favorite shows since it debuted on ESPN in 2001. Fantastic TV. And I'm getting ready to shift that all into the past tense. I just can't stand Tony Kornheiser anymore. What was once amusing and jovial on "PTI" has become eye-clawingly irritating on "Monday Night Football." I mean, I damn near hate the guy now - he's not in Chris Berman-territory yet, but him and Stu Scott are definitely bunkmates. Watching this week's Falcons/Giants game, I actually had to turn the volume down after an hour of listening to Kornheiser inject lame "jokes" into every situation while Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico forced laughs (that "reading a letter from Eli Manning" gag might have been the worst moment of 2007 TV, and that includes Larry King's Paris Hilton interview). I feel bad for Jaws and Tirico, but "Monday Night Football" is an absolute trainwreck right now. From the utter lameness of Kornheiser, to the arrogant whatever-I-say-is-entertaining-and-don't-you-damn-well-forget-it attitude of Keith Olbermann (still accurate, but wrong night), to the banality of the "guests" (Jimmy Kimmel, who I usually like, was a mean-spirited disaster), the show needs a hard, violent shakeup. The sad thing is, the answer was right in front of the producers' eyes last year. In the opening week of 2006, "MNF" had two games in one night, and the "second tier" crew was made up of Jaworski, Brad Nessler and Dick Vermeil. It was the best grouping since the heyday of Cosell. Of course, what do I know? All those guys did was talk about the actual game. PICK: Indianapolis

Last week: 6-5-2

Overall: 41-39-6
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $190

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Definition of the day

hell /hel/
1. the place or state of punishment of the wicked after death; the abode of evil and condemned spirits; Gehenna or Tartarus.
2. any place or state of torment or misery.
2. standing five-deep in the Self Checkout line at the Conyers, GA Wal-Mart.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Six

The task sounded tedious. I was to go to a house this morning and take pictures of it from multiple angles - front, side, back, any separate structures, etc. Oh yes, the sexy life of an insurance man. The details soon became clearer, though.

The residence was a currently uninhabited weekend home to a very rich couple. The property was on a beautiful lake. And it was over an hour away, so I wasn't expected back at the office any time soon. "Here, and take the gas card," the coworker said. "And a little extra time for lunch."

My Mustang rolled onto I-20 West, windows down, the perfect fall weather tunneling across my face. I blasted not the iPod, but my very first audiobook: Stephen King's Lisey's Story, as read by St. Elmo's Fire's Mare Winningham (for the record, I'm not completely sold on the format).

Today has been a good day.


See, this is my new strategy. Focusing on the positive. I need to do this, you see, because the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING ASSCOCK ATLANTA FALCONS SUCK LIKE CUN...

Beautiful weather, did I mention that? BEAUTIFUL.

The picks:

Cincinnati (-3) @ Kansas City. This screams "obvious," doesn't it? The hapless Chiefs, only three point dogs to the theoretically powerful Bengals? It just screams it. And I'm going to fall for it, but completely hate myself after the (now) damn near inevitable Chiefs win. PICK: Cincinnati

Houston @ Jacksonville (-7). The Jaguars have beaten the Broncos, the Falcons and the Chiefs (combined record: 5-10). Color me unconvinced. PICK: Houston

Miami @ Cleveland (-5). There's one Cleveland team I care about this week, and it ain't the Browns. Or the Cavaliers. Or, uh, Case Western Reserve University. Nope, it's my Indians. And I say "my" Indians with all the fervor of a guy who's spent the better part of a week as a die-hard fan. I said it best over on Stanicek's blog: "After having them on my fantasy team all year, I feel like the father of Grady Sizemore and Fausto Carmona. We've been working together toward a common goal, but now it's time for them to go off on their own. I've run alongside their bikes, steadied them and then - RELEASE! But I'm watching like a proud papa, hoping they come out on top, yelling at them the whole way. 'Grady! Fausto! My sons! Fight the good fight! And don't lose to the Red Sox, or I will beat you to death with my belt buckle! I love you!'" Oh, and Miami is starting Cleo Lemon at quarterback this week. Pick wisely. PICK: Cleveland

Minnesota @ Chicago (-6). Final score: 9-2. PICK: Chicago

Philadelphia (-3 1/2) @ NY Jets. Yeah, so apparently I committed one of my own pet peeves last week by blatantly spoiling a TV show. In Ye Olden Tymes, talking about a TV show the next day was fair game. It aired, you asked your co-worker the next morning: "Can you believe Laura Palmer's dad was her killer?" Or, of course, "Can you believe Samantha's daughter was kidnapped by, of all people, her husband? On 'Nightingales?' The sexy nurse drama of 1988? That one?" With DVR and its assorted brand names, though, there's a bigger window in discussing episode spoilers - and I clearly violated that by blatantly announcing the winner of "Top Chef" two days after the finale aired. Apologies to Pasqua, who had the show waiting for him on TiVO. Twenty lashes with a wet amuses-bouche for me. PICK: NY Jets

St. Louis @ Baltimore (-10). The Rams are looking 0-7 in the face, with the next two games at Baltimore and at Seattle. Heck, they could go 0-12. However, 0-13 looks out of the question since the Falcons would then visit Missouri. (See how fast I can change my tune?) PICK: St. Louis

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay (-3). The Bucs are down to only Earnest Graham at running back, which gives me a glimmer of hope they could end up with a losing record. PICK: Tennessee

Washington @ Green Bay (-3). The ESPN headline says, "Washington coming to Lambeau on a roll." Yes, they have a huge one-game winning streak. With that win coming against the Lions. So short of them actually traveling in on a tasty piece of dinner bread from Pillsbury, I'm not getting it. PICK: Green Bay

Carolina @ Arizona (-4 1/2). In the continuing 2007 subplot of "He's Still In The League?", Kurt Warner is now the official No. 1 starter for the Cardinals. And he'll be facing the official No. 1 starter for the Panthers, David Carr. Take the under. PICK: Carolina

New England (-6 1/2) @ Dallas.
It's Al Qaida vs. the Nazis. I mean, seriously, how do you choose? "Hmmm, would I rather have a year-long dick rash or get bitten by a brown recluse inside my mouth?" Well, that's what fantasy football is all about. I have Tom Brady on my team, so it makes things a little bit easier. Go dick rash! (In the Super Bowl, though, it will be roof-of-my-mouth-poisonous-spider-bite all the way.) PICK: New England

Oakland @ San Diego (-10).
Speaking of fantasy football, my newest Team I Hate is the Buffalo Bills. Last Monday night, they have the ball, up eight, in field goal range, a few minutes left. A good team, a decent team - hell, a functionally competent team - puts the ball in the hands of its runners, drains the clock as far as it can, and kicks a field goal to go up by 11. That pretty much ices it there, folks. However, the Bills decide that nope, we're gonna go up by 15. With a rookie QB, no less. The predictable interception happens on third down. Keep in mind my fantasy squad is up about 12 points at this juncture. And then: My opponent's receiver gets the tackle after the interception (1 point). Another one of his receivers gets the ensuing Cowboys touchdown and some yards to go with it (7 points). The Cowboys get an onside kick. His receiver catches another pass (1 point). His kicker nails the winning field goal (3 points). Out of over 220 points scored total in the game, I lose by .03. All because Buffalo couldn't run out the clock. I hate Buffalo. PICK: San Diego

New Orleans @ Seattle (-7). There's this silly little gnawing feeling I'm getting that New Orleans is about to explode for eight straight wins. PICK: New Orleans

NY Giants (-3 1/2) @ Atlanta. There was this silly little gnawing feeling I had that Atlanta was about to explode for eight straight wins. But finally guys, that feeling leaked out of my nether regions about the time Kyle Vanden Bosch hurdled the Falcons O-line to pull down Warrick Dunn in the closing minutes last week. If the Falcons couldn't win that game, they can't win. With the Falcons having first down on the Titans one-yard line, Dave texted me: "I wonder how they're going to fuck this up." And sadly, after seeing what had come before, I was wondering the same thing. And they didn't let us down. Oh, by the way, how pissed is ESPN that they have to keep the Falcons on Monday night? PICK: NY Giants

Last week: 5-7-2

Overall: 35-34-4
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $240

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Desperation is a stinky cologne

And babysitting!

How about a massage?!

And we'll do your taxes!

Free cocaine!

Oh, for the love of Saint Reggie, just please come!

The awful truth

Today's Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports the Falcons' latest setback.

The headline (second one down) more than encapsulates the team's performance this season.

3:28 p.m. update: It's been changed to read "Falcons' tackle out." But it will live here forever in infamy.

7:06 p.m. update: has gotten into the act, describing a medical procedure I never want to experience.

Yes, I'm 10 years old.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Can't handle the truth

I don't want to get old.

Review: Michael Clayton

I don't watch as many movies as I used to, and it's only October, so the following statement doesn't carry a terrible amount of weight. But it should be said nonetheless.

Michael Clayton is the best film of 2007.

I'm also not as wordy as I once was, but here it serves a point: You should go into this film knowing as little as possible. Avoid the reviews (the rest of them, at least.) Flip the channels if the commercial comes on. Let the film do its thing without you anticipating what's around the corner. I followed my own advice, and it served me well.

Five tidbits about the movie that won't ruin a thing:

1) While many will agree, at least 50% of you will walk out wondering what I thought was so great. And a good number of those folks will actively dislike it. It's just one of those films.

2) Writer-director Michael Gilroy is best known for writing Matt Damon's Bourne films. He received a special tribute in Ocean's 13 - starring Clooney and Damon - when one of the elaborate cons was nicknamed "the Gilroy."

3) Up to now, Clooney has starred in three movies I would label "great" - 1998's Out of Sight, 1999's Three Kings and 2000's O Brother Where Art Thou. So it took awhile, but No. 4 can be added to the list. And the final shot - wow. That takes a real actor, and the Cloondog pulled it off.

4) While I haven't been a fan of Sydney Pollack's last few directorial efforts (The Interpreter, Random Hearts, Sabrina), he has become one of the most fascinating actors working today. I'm still creeped out by his big speech in Eyes Wide Shut.

5) Last, but oh so definitely not least. One of the shadier Michael Clayton characters is played by none other than Kent from Real Genius. Tis' true.

+ 22 YEARS

Friday, October 05, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Five

It's Friday, and for the first time in what seems like eight months, I'm not kneedeep in end-of-the-week preparations for a UGA tailgate.

My beloved Bulldogs are visiting Tennessee tomorrow, and while I've made that trip a few times in the past, I'm holding down the fort for this one. While tomorrow might not feel right without a beer before 9 a.m., I'm actually looking forward to a Saturday morning sleep-in. It'll be the Dawgs on TV for me tomorrow, and that ain't all bad.

I might still have a beer before 9, though.

The picks:

Atlanta @ Tennessee (-8 1/2). One win down, eight wins to go - and then it's playoff time, baby. Sure, you think I'm seeing the Falcons season through Roddy White-tinted glasses, but one irrefutable fact keeps me believing Atlanta could play into the postseason: the NFC South sucks. With a win here and the almost guaranteed Bucs disaster in Indy, Atlanta will be only one game back in the division. By the way, though, this game is Lock City. The Titans ain't that good. PICK: Atlanta

Jacksonville (-2) @ Kansas City. Team Hung! I know I have one thing in common with all die-hard football fans: a love of Bravo's reality show "Top Chef." The third season just wrapped up Wednesday night, and The Girl and I actually cheered when the "technical" wizard Hung won it all. She probably liked him because he's Asian, and I probably liked him because he's a total asshole, but he really did want it - and probably deserve it - more than anybody else. Oh, and he beat that bitchy queen Dale. We didn't want Dale to win and have another Ilan on our hands, did we? Huh, HUH? You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. PICK: Kansas City

Arizona (-3) @ St. Louis. Gus Frerotte is a starting quarterback in the NFL. And "Friends" is a hit TV show, The Sixth Sense is raking it in at the box office, and Aaliyah has a promising career. I'm really dreading the whole Y2K thing, incidentally. PICK: Arizona

Cleveland @ New England (-17). Yeah, I just made an Aaliyah joke. The first one in five years, anywhere. It's that kind of service you get here at Martians Attacking Indianapolis. (The Patriots aren't going 16-0, and they're going to end up blowing a game like this one.) PICK: Cleveland

Carolina @ New Orleans (-3). So this Soulja Boy thing - it just goes to show that I have absolutely no idea what's going on in the world of music. The instrumental version played at last Saturday's UGA game, and while it was obvious the players knew what it was, I had no idea. And it turns out to be the number one song in the country. And not only that, but the kid who performs it lives in the same city I do. To make things worse, I now realize Georgia was hardly original in its playing of the song, and that other schools had been doing it for a couple of weeks. So while I appreciate hometown success as much as the next guy, I don't think anything has gone from "that is so cool" to "I am so freaking over this" so fast. Six days, my friends. Six days. PICK: New Orleans

NY Jets @ NY Giants (-3 1/2). I don't know the details. In fact, I only read the headline. Based on that information alone, however, I feel confident in saying he deserved it. PICK: NY Giants

Seattle @ Pittsburgh (-6). This is probably a matchup of the two most boring 3-1 teams in history. PICK: Pittsburgh

Detroit @ Washington (-3 1/2). In his first three games as a pro, Georgia Tech standout Calvin Johnson is the Lions' 4th leading receiver with 189 yards and two touchdowns. Of course, that's 118 yards more than he managed in three games against UGA. But then again, NFL backfields just don't match up well against the Dawgs. PICK: Detroit

Miami @ Houston (-6). After last week's Falcons/Texans game, I'm feeling a little better - a little - about that whole "letting Matt Schaub go" thing. I've been saying it for a while, but Joey Harrington might actually be pretty good. And it's definitely starting to look like the Byron Leftwich signing might have been wasted money. PICK: Houston

Tampa Bay @ Indianapolis (-10 1/2).
I'm praying the Colts expose the Bucs for the lucky sum'bitches they've been so far. Praying. PICK: Indianapolis

San Diego @ Denver (-1 1/2).
I'm far more interested in the other Colorado team this week. Since my Braves are playoff no-shows for the second year running, I've adopted the Rockies as "my team" (and I ain't regretting it). I was hoping for a Phillies-less and Cubs-less World Series, and it looks like I'm getting my wish. Now if someone could take care of the Yankees and especially the damn Red Sox, I'll be as happy as Al Gore when he's just making shit up. (I had Stanicek in my corner right up until the end). PICK: San Diego

Baltimore (-3) @ San Francisco. And the 49ers turn to Trent Dilfer at QB. Just go back and read the Gus Frerotte jokes. I'm too lazy to cut-and-paste. PICK: Baltimore

Chicago @ Green Bay (-3). Rah-rah, Brett Favre, rah-rah. This supposed Packer resurgence is all smoke and mirrors, I'm afraid. They have zero rushing attack, and the receiving deficiency is bound to show its ugly face sooner or later. Well, later actually, because the Bears didn't invest in smoke or mirrors this year. They're just balsa wood and off-brand glue. PICK: Green Bay

Dallas (-11) @ Buffalo. The possibility of a Dallas/New England Super Bowl is getting more real by the week, and it's horrifying. I mean, I'd clearly root for the Cowboys, but what kind of world do we live in where I'm cheering for Jerry Jones and Terrell Owens? Next thing you know, I'll be voting for Dennis Kucinich, buying Fergie CDs, and curtailing my profanity around strangers. I don't want to live in that world. PICK: Dallas

Last week: 8-6

Overall: 30-27-4
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): up $30