Friday, October 12, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Six

The task sounded tedious. I was to go to a house this morning and take pictures of it from multiple angles - front, side, back, any separate structures, etc. Oh yes, the sexy life of an insurance man. The details soon became clearer, though.

The residence was a currently uninhabited weekend home to a very rich couple. The property was on a beautiful lake. And it was over an hour away, so I wasn't expected back at the office any time soon. "Here, and take the gas card," the coworker said. "And a little extra time for lunch."

My Mustang rolled onto I-20 West, windows down, the perfect fall weather tunneling across my face. I blasted not the iPod, but my very first audiobook: Stephen King's Lisey's Story, as read by St. Elmo's Fire's Mare Winningham (for the record, I'm not completely sold on the format).

Today has been a good day.

Ahem,...

See, this is my new strategy. Focusing on the positive. I need to do this, you see, because the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING ASSCOCK ATLANTA FALCONS SUCK LIKE CUN...

Beautiful weather, did I mention that? BEAUTIFUL.

The picks:

Cincinnati (-3) @ Kansas City. This screams "obvious," doesn't it? The hapless Chiefs, only three point dogs to the theoretically powerful Bengals? It just screams it. And I'm going to fall for it, but completely hate myself after the (now) damn near inevitable Chiefs win. PICK: Cincinnati

Houston @ Jacksonville (-7). The Jaguars have beaten the Broncos, the Falcons and the Chiefs (combined record: 5-10). Color me unconvinced. PICK: Houston

Miami @ Cleveland (-5). There's one Cleveland team I care about this week, and it ain't the Browns. Or the Cavaliers. Or, uh, Case Western Reserve University. Nope, it's my Indians. And I say "my" Indians with all the fervor of a guy who's spent the better part of a week as a die-hard fan. I said it best over on Stanicek's blog: "After having them on my fantasy team all year, I feel like the father of Grady Sizemore and Fausto Carmona. We've been working together toward a common goal, but now it's time for them to go off on their own. I've run alongside their bikes, steadied them and then - RELEASE! But I'm watching like a proud papa, hoping they come out on top, yelling at them the whole way. 'Grady! Fausto! My sons! Fight the good fight! And don't lose to the Red Sox, or I will beat you to death with my belt buckle! I love you!'" Oh, and Miami is starting Cleo Lemon at quarterback this week. Pick wisely. PICK: Cleveland

Minnesota @ Chicago (-6). Final score: 9-2. PICK: Chicago

Philadelphia (-3 1/2) @ NY Jets. Yeah, so apparently I committed one of my own pet peeves last week by blatantly spoiling a TV show. In Ye Olden Tymes, talking about a TV show the next day was fair game. It aired, you asked your co-worker the next morning: "Can you believe Laura Palmer's dad was her killer?" Or, of course, "Can you believe Samantha's daughter was kidnapped by, of all people, her husband? On 'Nightingales?' The sexy nurse drama of 1988? That one?" With DVR and its assorted brand names, though, there's a bigger window in discussing episode spoilers - and I clearly violated that by blatantly announcing the winner of "Top Chef" two days after the finale aired. Apologies to Pasqua, who had the show waiting for him on TiVO. Twenty lashes with a wet amuses-bouche for me. PICK: NY Jets

St. Louis @ Baltimore (-10). The Rams are looking 0-7 in the face, with the next two games at Baltimore and at Seattle. Heck, they could go 0-12. However, 0-13 looks out of the question since the Falcons would then visit Missouri. (See how fast I can change my tune?) PICK: St. Louis

Tennessee @ Tampa Bay (-3). The Bucs are down to only Earnest Graham at running back, which gives me a glimmer of hope they could end up with a losing record. PICK: Tennessee

Washington @ Green Bay (-3). The ESPN headline says, "Washington coming to Lambeau on a roll." Yes, they have a huge one-game winning streak. With that win coming against the Lions. So short of them actually traveling in on a tasty piece of dinner bread from Pillsbury, I'm not getting it. PICK: Green Bay

Carolina @ Arizona (-4 1/2). In the continuing 2007 subplot of "He's Still In The League?", Kurt Warner is now the official No. 1 starter for the Cardinals. And he'll be facing the official No. 1 starter for the Panthers, David Carr. Take the under. PICK: Carolina

New England (-6 1/2) @ Dallas.
It's Al Qaida vs. the Nazis. I mean, seriously, how do you choose? "Hmmm, would I rather have a year-long dick rash or get bitten by a brown recluse inside my mouth?" Well, that's what fantasy football is all about. I have Tom Brady on my team, so it makes things a little bit easier. Go dick rash! (In the Super Bowl, though, it will be roof-of-my-mouth-poisonous-spider-bite all the way.) PICK: New England

Oakland @ San Diego (-10).
Speaking of fantasy football, my newest Team I Hate is the Buffalo Bills. Last Monday night, they have the ball, up eight, in field goal range, a few minutes left. A good team, a decent team - hell, a functionally competent team - puts the ball in the hands of its runners, drains the clock as far as it can, and kicks a field goal to go up by 11. That pretty much ices it there, folks. However, the Bills decide that nope, we're gonna go up by 15. With a rookie QB, no less. The predictable interception happens on third down. Keep in mind my fantasy squad is up about 12 points at this juncture. And then: My opponent's receiver gets the tackle after the interception (1 point). Another one of his receivers gets the ensuing Cowboys touchdown and some yards to go with it (7 points). The Cowboys get an onside kick. His receiver catches another pass (1 point). His kicker nails the winning field goal (3 points). Out of over 220 points scored total in the game, I lose by .03. All because Buffalo couldn't run out the clock. I hate Buffalo. PICK: San Diego

New Orleans @ Seattle (-7). There's this silly little gnawing feeling I'm getting that New Orleans is about to explode for eight straight wins. PICK: New Orleans

NY Giants (-3 1/2) @ Atlanta. There was this silly little gnawing feeling I had that Atlanta was about to explode for eight straight wins. But finally guys, that feeling leaked out of my nether regions about the time Kyle Vanden Bosch hurdled the Falcons O-line to pull down Warrick Dunn in the closing minutes last week. If the Falcons couldn't win that game, they can't win. With the Falcons having first down on the Titans one-yard line, Dave texted me: "I wonder how they're going to fuck this up." And sadly, after seeing what had come before, I was wondering the same thing. And they didn't let us down. Oh, by the way, how pissed is ESPN that they have to keep the Falcons on Monday night? PICK: NY Giants

Last week: 5-7-2

Overall: 35-34-4
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $240

1 comment:

Joe Leydon said...

It's now 37 to 9, Jacksonville. My Texans look like wimps. Convinced now?