Thursday, November 08, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: NFL Week 10

And now for something completely a little different...

I began writing this column yesterday, only to have my eyes sag, my head droop, and my forehead become imprinted with a backwards "poiuytrewq" as it hit the keyboard. (I'm still not sure why my keyboard is layered with newsprint.) Coffee did me no good, Coke was a no-go, and apparently jenkem only makes you sleepier. Huh.

If only this week's NFL lineup wasn't so boring.

Out of 14 games, only three involve two teams with winning records. And of those three, one of them involves Cleveland, and the other is a hotly anticipated meeting of Jacksonville and Tennezzzzzz... Oh, sorry, dozed off there for a second.

So boring. So fucking boring.

In light of that, I thought I'd add some color to the proceedings. So in addition to a potentially educational/witty/perhaps-both comment about each game, I'm also going to provide you an apt movie comparison. Basically a "this game reminds me of this movie" kind of thing.

Got it? Good.

The picks:

Minnesota @ Green Bay (-6). It's Young vs. Old, as the Minnesota QB/RB combo of Tavaris Jackson and Adrian Peterson (average age: 23) go against Green Bay QB Brett Favre (age: 83). Of course, if Jackson can't go, it's Brooks Bollinger time, baby. (Seriously, is Billy Jo Tolliver going to get a start this season?).


Brett Favre and a suspiciously white Tavaris Jackson meet at midfield.

PICK: Green Bay

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Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-4). When you mix the gene pools of football fans from north Florida and Tennessee, scary things can be produced. An interesting game is not one of them.


PICK: Jacksonville

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Denver @ Kansas City (-3). On this week's "South Park," Stan said it best when he ran into Denver quarterback Jay Cutler: "I mean, you kinda suck, but my dad says you might be good some day." Is this the first Vanderbilt grad referenced by "South Park?" Without researching it, or giving it a single amount of thought, I'm going to say "yes." (Al Gore didn't graduate, bitches). And by the way, just a reminder, Denver is now 1-7 against the spread.


PICK: Kansas City

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Buffalo (-3) @ Miami. The Bills should never, ever be a road favorite - except against the 2007 Miami Dolphins. In the course of one season, not only could the Dolphins lose their status as the only undefeated team in history, they could end up the first 0-16 team.


PICK: Buffalo

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St. Louis @ New Orleans (-12). Four weeks ago I wrote, "There's this silly little gnawing feeling I'm getting that New Orleans is about to explode for eight straight wins." Four down, four to go.


Oh, I know - too obvious. But I can't pass up a good Katrina joke.

PICK: New Orleans

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Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (-10). The Steelers' dismantling of Baltimore on Monday night had a lot more to do with Raven incompetence than Steeler dominance, so I'm not going to get on my knees and relax my jaw for them quite yet. Still, nobody will be a bigger Pittsburgh fan than me when they visit New England - and their moniker finally gives me a chance to reference this classic.


Seriously, if you ever saw this - or Kazaam - you are obligated to admit it in the comments section.

PICK: Cleveland


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Philadelphia @ Washington (-3). Ok, you might think this is because Philadelphia starred Denzel WASHINGTON. Philadelphia-Washington, get it? But you'd be wrong. In fact, it's only because I want Jason Campbell to get AIDS. (It's an Auburn thing.)


PICK: Philadelphia

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Atlanta @ Carolina (-4). When these teams matched up earlier this season, DeAngelo Hall's crybaby antics pretty much cost the Falcons a win. Here's hoping his teammates can not only play a good game, but make sure their star cornerback keeps his freakin' mouth shut.


PICK: Atlanta

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Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-4). The Bengals have had nine players arrested in the past year and a half, and the Ravens have Ray Lewis. So duh.


Sadly, I couldn't find the poster for Penitentiary II online, and that's the far better film as it stars Mr. T - as himself.

PICK: Cincinnati

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Chicago (-3 1/2) @ Oakland.
Part of me truly believes Daunte Culpepper is, well, "special." I think his lack of intelligence goes beyond dumb, to a realm where he should ride to the stadium in the shorter team bus. Culpepper, however, could have rocked the shit in the Special Olympics. Just rocked it. Sadly, it appears he may be the third string quarterback this week, behind Josh McCown and JaMarcus Russell. How the retarded have fallen.


PICK: Chicago

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Dallas (-2) @ NY Giants. Media darlings Tony Romo and Eli Manning - who share the common trait of not actually having earned their accolades or attention - face off in a hard, sweaty, back-and-forth, gladiator-style, Greco-Roman, party boy extravaganza. Cowboy up.


It's been a long time since a Brokeback joke. Too long.

PICK: Dallas

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Detroit (-1) @ Arizona. Lions draft pick Calvin Johnson went to Georgia Tech - nerd. Detroit is the picked-on kid finally getting his comeuppance with their 6-2 season - revenge. This game will not be any good - Nerds part 2 instead of part 1.


PICK: Detroit

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Indianapolis (-4) @ San Diego. The undefeated Colts looking to rebound against the already rebounding Chargers. It's nice of Manning to fit in the game between commercial shoots.


You find another movie with "advertising" in the title.

PICK: Indianapolis

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San Francisco @ Seattle (-10). These teams are a combined 6-10, which is not exactly what ESPN dreamed of when this was set for Monday Night Football. And yet here it is, a ratings disaster staring them right in the face. They want to get rid of it, they damn near need to get rid of it - but there ain't no gettin' rid of it.


Want to see the original "Problem Child" all grown up? Trust me, you don't.

PICK: San Francisco

Last week: 9-5

Overall: 66-55-6
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): up $550



1 comment:

Doug said...

Aww, don't hate on my boy Campbell. He only beat Georgia once as a starter, after all (he only threw three passes when they beat us in 2001). If you have to wish a horrible death on a former Auburn QB, make it Ben Leard -- the '99 and '00 atrocities are still very fresh in my mind.