Thursday, November 15, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: NFL Week 11

Fair warning: very little football talk this week. I mean, I work so hard for you, practically printing money and stuffing it in your pockets - and I've received nary a note of thanks. Not an uno. Let's check out my last months of picks.

8-5-1.

9-5.

8-5.

8-6.

For you math wizards out there, let me spell it out: 33-21-1. If you had bet $100 on every game, even with 10% juice on losses, you'd be up $990. If you'd bet a thousand on every game, you could buy a reasonably nice used car by now. And hell, if you'd bet only a measly million on every game, you'd be up $9,900,000. Profit. But you didn't make those bets, and now you have no money to buy your wife her favorite carton of cigarettes and/or box of wine for Christmas. You're an asshole.

So yeah, the picks are here, but I'm too pissed off to delve into every game. Instead, I'm going to annoy you with random observations and politics you disagree with. You deserve it.

Tampa Bay (-3) @ Atlanta. This is one of the games I do care to comment on, of course, because I'm a rampant Atlanta homer. Now I never had a realistic anticipation of a 14-2 Falcons season, but they are still potentially playoff-bound after a 1-6 start. Say that out loud: "The Falcons are still potentially playoff-bound after a 1-6 start." Now scream it: "The Falcons are still potentially playoff-bound after a 1-6 start!" Now do a twirly dance, scratch your pits, and SING it, "The Fallll-cons arrrre still poTENTially playoff-bound aaaaafter a 1-6 starrrrt!" You are my little monkey, aren't you, monkey? Dance, monkey, dance. Monkey. But anyway, it may sound silly, but it's true: win this game, and they are one game out of the division lead. It's not that the Falcons are some special squad, they aren't; it's that the NFC South sucks flea sack this year. PICK: Atlanta

Arizona @ Cincinnati (-3 1/2). And no, that wasn't racist. "Monkey" doesn't automatically equal racist. And anyway, if you're reading this, I can almost guarantee that you're white. And no, that doesn't mean black people can't read. It's just that my friends are all white. I mean, not all of them. I know some black people. We're tight. Like that guy at that place. And the guy who cleaned my gutters that time, but can't come back, because I swear he was trying to peek into my sister's bedroom window, I mean, I never saw him do it, but he just looked like the type, you know, no, not because he was black, just because he was shady, not like dark, just mysterious. I have black friends. PICK: Cincinnati

NY Giants (-3) @ Detroit. Random kudos to Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who with each week solidify "South Park" as my favorite show in the history of television. No exaggeration on that one anymore. The best compliment I can pay anything is to say, "Damn, I wish I had thought of that," and that seems to happen every week with the Comedy Central classic. I remember discovering Parker and Stone's original short "The Spirit of Christmas" on a copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy-of-a-copy-of-a-VHS (remember, those tape things?) in 1996. When I heard a full-length show was being created, I doubted they'd have enough material to fill up 30 minutes, much less an entire season. And here we are, 10 years after its debut, and it's better than ever. PICK: NY Giants

Carolina @ Green Bay (-10). So I had a great idea today. I finished my second cup of coffee and my third Diet Coke - this was around 9:08, if memory serves - and it hit me: I don't like coffee! And after years of abuse, I've finally become immune to Diet Coke's power. Add to that my interest in not having a heart attack before 32, the answer seemed clear: caffeinated water. I mean, a million dollar idea, right? Have a healthy and guilt-free alternative to all that dark joe and carbonated acid, but one with the same solid caffeine kick I need about 14 or 15 times each morning. Well, safe to say, I now know how Seth Rogen felt in Knocked Up when he discovered the Mr. Skin website. PICK: Green Bay

Kansas City @ Indianapolis (-15 1/2). The Colts are going to come out pissed off. Take cover. And the cover. PICK: Indianapolis

Oakland @ Minnesota (-6). The Girl and I saw American Gangster on Monday night - and it gets the Seal of The Cutest Darn Couple In the World Approval from the both of us. Saying it's better than the last Denzel Washington/Russell Crowe pairing is not exactly high praise, but saying I wish it had been longer is. Really, my big complaint is that it was too short, and the damn thing was two-and-a-half hours long. I just thought big chunks were missing. I wanted more of Denzel in Bangkok, to learn more about how he achieved what he did (no spoilers here). I wanted more of how Denzel rose to power in the community, as an early brazen move (very brazen) in broad daylight left me wondering where the repercussions were. And I wanted more of Crowe's backstory, how a guy whose best friends were gangsters could wind up a cop in law school. Oh, and what's with the great final shots this year? Gangster has my second-favorite one of 2007, just behind Michael Clayton. PICK: Minnesota

Miami @ Philadelphia (-10). A popular theory on local sports radio this week has Donovan McNabb coming to Atlanta in the offseason. First, I can absolutely see this happening. It would be a publicity coup for the Falcons, helping them get back practically every black season ticket holder who abandoned the team this year (and there were plenty). From a football standpoint, though, I have to fall in with the "against" crowd. McNabb is a good QB, no doubt, but an injury waiting to happen. He been on the IR near midseason three times out of the past five years, and one stellar game against the Lions aside, has been erratic at best in 2007. Atlanta already has Byron Leftwich and Joe(y) Harrington on the roster for '08, and could use their first draft pick on a Brian Brohm. PICK: Philadelphia

San Diego @ Jacksonville (-3). Oh Florida, how I love you. This had all the trappings to be the most hilarious, feel-good story of the year - until we learn what happened to the alligator. Seriously, if you throw a piece of pizza in my face, I'm going to eat it (seriously, try it. Please?). I shouldn't be punished for loving me some cheesy goodness, and the gator shouldn't be punished for loving some tasty gutter moron. PICK: San Diego

Cleveland (-3) @ Baltimore. Earlier today, I couldn't remember how old I was. No shit. I actually had to think, "Ok, I was born in February 1976, so, um, that means I was 30 in February 2006, 31 in February 2007. Ok, 31." Not sure why I'm sharing this. PICK: Cleveland

New Orleans (-1) @ Houston.
"This facile attribution of climate change to human agency is an act of hubris. Good stewardship of the environment is an ethical imperative for every nation. But breast-beating hysteria merely betrays impious tunnel vision. Thousands of factors, minute and grand, are at work in cyclic climate change, whose long-term outcomes we cannot possibly predict. Nature should inspire us with awe, not pity." Cyclic, not cyclical? Ya learn something new every day. PICK: New Orleans

Pittsburgh (-10) @ NY Jets. Mine eyes tell me the Steelers are too much smoke and a whole helluva lot of mirrors, but I'm fighting that opinion as they're the best hope to beat New England. Except maybe - oh, I won't ruin that absurd, but legit, prediction just yet. PICK: NY Jets

Washington @ Dallas (-11). Just finishing up Cormac McCarthy's No Country For Old Men, obviously timing it perfectly with the film's release this weekend. If the movie is half as good as the book - and some are saying it's better - I'm finding it hard to believe it won't end the year at the top of my 2007 standings. If you aren't dying to see the movie on opening weekend, I'd pick up the book first. It's a quick one. PICK: Dallas

St. Louis @ San Francisco (-2). The worst game of the year. Really. But this is why the NFL secretly loves gambling. There would be nobody outside of these two cities watching this game if it weren't for degenerates like you and me - because it's an easy bet. The 49ers are atrocious, and the Rams have the talent to put up at least 14-or-so points. Which is four more than San Fran will be capable of. PICK: St. Louis

Chicago @ Seattle (-3). It's so nice of multi-billionaire Warren Buffett to speak for all of the nation's wealthy, because they are obviously in the exact same boat as him. Doesn't he know he is completely free to whip out his checkbook and give the government whatever he wants to? If he wants to be taxed so badly, what's he waiting for? Senator Chuck Grassley (R - Obviously) has it right: "There is something fundamentally wrong when the government swoops in after a funeral to take a cut of what that person had worked their whole life for, and has already paid taxes on at least once." (Emphasis mine). But remember, they're rich, so they're eeeeeevil! PICK: Chicago

New England (-16) @ Buffalo. Thanks to SI's Peter King for ruining a perfectly good shirt on Monday. See, I threw up all over myself when he pointed out that Boston's three most popular teams - the Sox, Pats and Celtics - are a combined 17-0 since October 18th. (Though the Bruins are only 8-6, suckas!). I think the Patriots could fall this weekend, and I'm actually serious - the Bills have a hellacious defense at times, and could sneak up on the almighty Pats. In fact, I'm calling it - Upset Pick. And maybe Sonny Perdue could pray for it. As long as he's not doing anything useful, that is. PICK: Buffalo

Tennessee @ Denver (-2). I'm still pissed at you, ya know. PICK: Tennessee

Last week: 8-5-1

Overall: 74-60-7
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): up $800

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