Friday, November 02, 2007

Betcha Bottom Dollar: NFL Week 9

I didn't realize it until just now, but there is actually more than one NFL game being played this weekend. You'd never know it looking at ESPN, the NFL Network, Sports Illustrated or, fuck, even the Atlanta newspaper, but apparently it's true.

There will, however, be zero commercials not involving Peyton Manning. Sorry.

The picks:

Washington (-4) @ NY Jets. The Kellen Clemens era begins. Vegas is not impressed. On a side note, I lost all respect for Washington coach Joe Gibbs when he didn't punch Bill Belichick in the throat at the end of last week's game. Contrary to idiot sports reporter opinions, the issue wasn't the Patriots running up the score, it was the Pats going for it on 4th down up 38-0 in the 4th quarter with the starters still in. Half of the plays Indianapolis draws up this week should involve hitting Tom Brady's knees. PICK: Washington

Green Bay @ Kansas City (-2). One of those head-scratchers. Surely the 6-1 Packers, O Kings of Resurgence, will handle the 4-3, and overachieving, Chiefs? Right? Vegas loves the Chiefs, and so should you. The Packers are playing after a short week, and, well, you don't really need another excuse - when the line looks this screwy, go against your gut. PICK: Kansas City

Arizona @ Tampa Bay (-3 1/2). Tampa Bay is in Florida, so I'll shoehorn this rant in here. Last weekend, I was in Jacksonville for the oh-so-glorious matchup between the Georgia Bulldogs and the Florida Gators. It ended up being one of the most entertaining games I've ever watched in person (perhaps trumped by UGA/LSU '98, but maybe only that). So I have no postgame issues. It is the pregame, in-my-face taunts of "Gator bait!" that I do look at semi-quizzically. What the hell? Somebody says "bait," what do you think of? Worms, right? Ok, so a worm is "fish bait." What purpose does the worm serve? To kill the fish. So by calling Bulldogs "gator bait," aren't those inbred hillbillies just saying we are going to lure in and kill gators? That's good for us, isn't it? (LSU is very guilty of this, as well). The more I write here, the more I know I've ranted about this before, but I don't care. It's a'fresh on the mind. PICK: Tampa Bay

Carolina @ Tennessee (-4). David Carr is back, baby! PICK: Tennessee

San Francisco @ Atlanta (-3). This line might also look screwy, but the 49ers are only averaging 12 points a game. The Falcons ain't exactly good, but they're better than their 1-6 record indicates - and they should win this game by double digits. Plus, and this is a big plus, Atlanta is 4-3 against the spread this year. (This is the kind of in-depth analysis you pay the big bucks for here at M.A.I.). PICK: Atlanta

Jacksonville @ New Orleans (-3 1/2). Three weeks ago I wrote, "There's this silly little gnawing feeling I'm getting that New Orleans is about to explode for eight straight wins." Three down, five to go. PICK: New Orleans

Denver @ Detroit (-3). Looking back at my previous columns, I realize I have picked against Denver in each of their seven games so far. And look how it's treating me: Denver is 1-6 against the spread this. Keep ridin' that gimpy, three-legged, leper horse! PICK: Detroit

Cincinnati (-1 1/2) @ Buffalo. The Bills could be dangerous next year. You heard it here first. (Unless it doesn't happen, then you didn't hear it at all). PICK: Buffalo

San Diego (-7 1/2) @ Minnesota. PICK: San Diego

Seattle @ Cleveland (-1 1/2).
If Derek Anderson keeps playing this well, the Browns are going to have quite a predicament next year when deciding what to do with Brady Quinn. Of course, as I've said before, Quinn is this millennium's version of Ryan Leaf, so the Browns are just plain lucky somebody else has stepped up. PICK: Cleveland

New England (-6 1/2) @ Indianapolis.
My original plan for this column was to write an obscene amount of stuff for every other game on the schedule, but leave this one blank. To offset the rest of the world, and stuff like that. Trouble is, I'm too lazy this morning to write obscene amounts of stuff on anything, so just go ahead and bask in the joke I almost made. That said, I'm picking the Colts here only on good will. The Patriots will probably win this game by 20 because I hate them. No other reason, just because I hate them. I mean, I hate them so much. Hate, hateity, hate, hate, hate. I mean, I would sacrifice my fantasy football season just to have Tom Brady's left leg shatter into a million pieces, preferably on a hit by a kicker or something, when the Patriots are up 45-0 with three minutes to go in the game and the starters are still in. I mean, I hope al Qaida hijacks their plane this weekend and crashes it into Fenway. After all, 9/11 flights departed from Boston, right? Fucking Boston. In league with al Qaida. Go Colts. Fuck Bill Belichick. I fucking hate those fucking fucks. PICK: Indianapolis

Houston @ Oakland (-3). The Atlanta brass must be quietly, very quietly, thanking any-and-all religious dieties that Matt Schaub isn't having a great year. PICK: Oakland

Dallas (-3) @ Philadelphia. PICK: Dallas

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-10). PICK: Baltimore

Last week: 8-5

Overall: 57-50-6
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): up $200

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