This is getting absurd.
Week 7: 8-5-1.
Week 8: 9-5.
Week 9: 8-5.
Week 10: 8-6.
And then I brag about it.
Week 11: 5-9-2.
Week 12: 7-9.
Week 13: 4-12.
Week 14: 3-13.
Three and freaking thirteen. I mean, you could never even be that terrible on purpose. Imagine flipping a coin, and being wrong 13 out of 16 times. That's an 81.25% failure rate, for you kiddies. You'd be a little freaked out, right? A little heeby in your jeeby? A gucher in your moocher? A cock in your mout ... wait, where was I going with this?
I mean, at this point, "unlucky" or even "stupid" doesn't cut it. It's crystal clear - I've pissed God off.
So I ain't talking pro football this week. Not a mention of the Falcons, Bill Parcells, Jessica Simpson (yes, she's a football topic this week), the stupid asshole Patriots, the hilarious fact that not a single player from the NFC South made the Pro Bowl, or what is undoubtedly going to be a record-breaking, and deservedly so, standing ovation.
Nope, not a word. Especially about Parcells, that back-stabbing slab of cholesterol. Lips are zipped. Fucker.
Dallas (-11) @ Carolina. T-minus nine days until the caravan pulls onto 85S, destination: New Orleans. Three days and nights with nothing on the docket except trips to the bar, the casino, and the Sugar Bowl. I would add "trips to the bathroom" as well, but who am I kidding? It's New Orleans - everywhere is the bathroom! PICK: Dallas
Cleveland (-3) @ Cincinnati. During those three days, the over/under on Katrina jokes from yours truly: 1,200. (I'm gonna be honest, you should probably take the over. Especially since the early forecast calls for rain.) PICK: Cleveland
Green Bay (-9) @ Chicago. PICK: Chicago
Houston @ Indianapolis (-7). PICK: Indianapolis
Kansas City @ Detroit (-5). Wow, 2007 has been a long one. Five minutes ago, if you had asked me when the Barbie Bandits were in the news, I'd have guessed three years ago. Nope, February. And the whole Anna Nicole Smith thing was also within the last 365? I must be getting old. PICK: Detroit
NY Giants (-3) @ Buffalo. PICK: Buffalo
Oakland @ Jacksonville (-14). One of the best books I've read in recent years was Scott Smith's chilling The Ruins. And it's a dish best served ignorant - the less you know, the better it is. Now comes the film version, out next April. The trailer debuted online yesterday, and let me warn you: it blows the "big twist" within the first 15 seconds. It's maddening. To really make it work, there is one thing you need not to know going in, and the entire two minutes is spent focusing on it. Avoid it, please. If you're in a theater and it comes on, do your best five-year-old, eye-clinched "lalalalala" with fingers in your ears. PICK: Oakland
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (-3 1/2). PICK: New Orleans
Atlanta @ Arizona (-10 1/2). If you've ever doubted dogs are God's Greatest Invention, this should set you straight. Good dog, ol' boy. Good dog. PICK: Arizona
Tampa Bay (-7) @ San Francisco. PICK: San Francisco
Miami @ New England (-22). There aren't many better weeks for movie-watching than the one I just had - two flicks watched, two solid A's. The first should be no surprise: No Country For Old Men. And it would have been even better if I hadn't read the book just three weeks ago. In fact, and I rarely would say this, but don't read the book before you see the film. It's just too close, and the movie is (unbelievably) the richer experience. The second film, though, really took me by surprise: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I'd been a big fan of the last two films in the series, and all seven books. This one really took it to another level, though, and I hadn't heard that at all from mainstream critics. It was the funniest, the scariest, the most adult, the most all-around entertaining of the series - and yet the story is far weaker than the upcoming Parts VI and VII. November's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince just left toward the top of my 2008 must-see list. PICK: Miami
Baltimore @ Seattle (-?). Vegas is holding this spread up, but I'll guess Seattle (-7) and take the Ravens. PICK: Baltimore Update: The real spread is Seattle (-10 1/2). So I'm definitely taking the Ravens.
NY Jets @ Tennessee (-8 1/2). The dam is cracking. (Yes, it's a climate change link. Just warnin'). PICK: NY Jets
Washington @ Minnesota (-6 1/2). Oh right, I did watch a third flick this week - Will Smith's I Am Legend. The fact I had already forgotten it should speak volumes.PICK: Minnesota
Denver @ San Diego (-9). This is a real movie. Swear to God. And yes, it's why the terrorists hates us. PICK: San Diego
Last week: 3-13
Fake wagering total ($100 on every game, 10% juice on losses): down $2,530