Friday, March 30, 2007

"Hey, It's Friday, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass Music Video!"

The greatest video ever made.

Actually, it's oddly constructed, has far too many shots of the dorky lead singer, and is a bit non-sensical. But it has The Zabka, which makes all things perfect.



A bit of trivia. This video was also directed by Zabka, who has held up extremely well, and obviously feels at peace with his place in cinema history (remember, he's also an Oscar nominee.) And those guys in the trailer? All the original Cobra Kai members from the 1984 film - and if you have to ask which film, none of this interests you in the first place.

Also, keep an eye out for a really round Mr. Belding, the immortal John Kreese, and, well, you know the guy at the end.

9:45 a.m. update: I just had an idea of monumental proportions. The "Sweep the Leg, Johnny" video should be the first in a series. Next, Zabka could appear in "Do the Triple Lindy, Chas," highlighting his epic work in Back to School. Then would come the Just One of the Guys-inspired "Lift the Lunchroom Table, Greg." And heck, let's throw in "Cheat On Audrey, Jack" - damn straight, from National Lampoon's European Vacation.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Martian morsels

Kibbles and bits, because linking is easier than writing:

  • From the "I love me some stereotypes" file: A former Miss Bolivia was arrested on cocaine charges.
  • Surprising casting news of the week: Resident "Lost" dipshit Paolo is actually the same actor who plays Xerxes in 300. I almost like the guy now.
  • Speaking of 300 - eh, not impressed. Zack Snyder's previous film, Dawn of the Dead, was far more successful.
  • New art displayed at Atlanta's City Hall says it's "OK to hate the black man." Oh wait, no it doesn't, because that would be bigoted.
  • Pick your battles, bitches.
  • I have always been a vocal opponent of playing one-issue politics, like not voting for a candidate just because they're anti-choice, or supporting an individual solely because of their opposition to raising taxes. You have to look at positions across the board before passing judgment. However, I will never again vote for anybody who had a hand in killing the Sunday alcohol bill in the Georgia state legislature. There's one reason for this: the bill's demise isn't a single issue. Anybody who worked against that bill is clearly saying individuals aren't mature enough to make their own decisions. Alcohol is just the issue this time; those politicians' mindset won't be any different in the future. And by the way, there is no justifiable reason voters shouldn't decide on Sunday alcohol sales. And no, fuckwads: your personal religion isn't a reason.
  • "If there's anything that's wrong with him it's that he's too damn fat like his owner."
  • Exactly three months until The Greatest Movie Ever Made is released.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Future shock



"I forgot to tell Marty that when he gets back to the future, he needs to get DirecTV HD."

Ok, first, that's Doc Brown in 1955. He'd have no idea what DirecTV was. Duh.

Second, even if you want to argue he visualized DirecTV HD just after the flux capacitor, Marty is going back to 1985. Doc Brown would be getting Marty excited about DirecTV HD a full 22 years before he could get it.

Sick bastard.

"Hey, It's Friday, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass Music Video!"

H.I.F.L.W.A.K.A.M.V.! is a new feature here on Martians Attacking Indianapolis. "Kick-Ass," as you can see, will be solely defined by me.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Because it made me laugh



More unintentionally funny comic book covers and panels here.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

LandryMatt



It looks like Matt Schaub is the new starting quarterback for the Houston Texans.

According to ESPN:
When the trade is completed, Atlanta and Houston will flip-flop first-round picks in April's draft, and Atlanta will receive Houston's second-round picks in 2007 and 2008. The deal likely will be completed later Wednesday afternoon. Houston has the No. 8 pick in the first round of the draft, while Atlanta is slotted 10th.

What this means for Falcons fans, of which I am one: It's a great move, assuming Michael Vick doesn't break his leg in Week 2. Moving up two spaces might not seem like a lot, but it helps make sure LSU safety LaRon Landry is still on the board (now the oh-so-cute headline makes sense, huh?). That, plus a second rounder this year and next, is a nice deal for a former 3rd round pick who (hopefully) would have never played another down for your team. It also rids the upcoming season of a lot of silly, distracting "Will Vick be traded?" melodrama.

What this means for University of Georgia fans, of which I am one: Once this trade becomes official, former Bulldog starter D.J. Shockley is Atlanta's backup. Now the ESPN article reports the Falcons are pursuing former Raven Anthony Wright, and he's had some nice moments. It will be a training camp battle, though, and hopefully D.J. can see the field at some point in '07. My question for folks more knowledgeable than me: If Wright is signed, will the 2007 Atlanta Falcons be the first NFL team with only black quarterbacks on the roster?

Fantasy movie leagues. Yes, it's come to that



The Fantasy Moguls draft is over. It's really called that.

In addition to my annual fantasy football and baseball leagues, I've joined a fantasy movie league with seven of my closest friends mortal fucking enemies. (I take these things seriously.)

Here's the deal: Each player is basically a movie studio with a slate of six releases. Whatever player's films make the most money by August 31st is the winner. Winner of what, I'm not entirely sure - but hey, they're a winner, and that's all that counts.

My slate, after drafting 5th:

1) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Pirates of the Caribbean, Spider-Man and Shrek sequels flew off the board, as did Transformers. Usually a Harry Potter movie would be easy money, but it worries me that the lowest-performing film in the series was also the only other one to be released in the summer months (2004's Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban).

2) Live Free or Die Hard
I had to. A few better choices were there at pick 12 - Rush Hour 3 and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry among them - but c'mon, it's a freakin' Die Hard movie.

3) Knocked Up
The sleeper. The creative minds behind The 40-Year-Old Virgin come up with a story people will actually relate to this time (and I say that as a guy who loved Virgin). This will be huge, and then everybody will say they saw it coming.

4) Hostel: Part II
I felt bad about choosing this one, but as they say, it ain't show friends. I did draw the line at selecting Bratz, though.

5) License to Wed
Robin Williams is a wacky wedding counselor putting a young couple throw a series of wacky relationship challenges. Wackiness ensues. While I can't imagine wanting to see this - despite many castmembers of "The Office" taking part - the July 4th release date means the studio has confidence. Despite Williams' grating presence, this will get chicks to the theaters. After they've already seen The Nanny Diaries a few times, that is.

6) 1408
Another horror movie, but this one seems smart, and has a much better pedigree than Hostel: John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson star in this adaptation of a Stephen King short story (a good one, in fact.) The cupboard was pretty empty at this point, I gotta say. Somebody had already taken The Last Mimzy. Uh-huh, The Last Fucking Mimzy.

So good luck to all, I pray you burn. And hopefully there aren't any 300s on the horizon that I don't own.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Poster haste

I have no interest in ever seeing this film, assuming reviews are as expected. But damn - that's a cool, creepy poster.


Click for bigger image.
At least Doug will let me know how it is. After all, it stars his lady.

Friday, March 16, 2007

It's absurd how much I still love this

It's Friday. Rock out if you know what's good for you.



Steve Perry is a god. Actually, he might be the God.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Fun With Google, Part XXIV

Once more, it's time to play "How the Hell Did You Get Here?" This game is brought to you courtesy of Sitemeter, that little tag at the bottom of this page which reads how individual readers were brought to Martians Attacking Indianapolis.

(Please also note the clickable links at the top of the page, which are called "ads." You click on them, I get money. Click, money. So click, even if you're not necessarily interested in rental property, Dreamgirls, thigh implants, or whatever-the-hell-else is being sold.)

Anyway, the recent Google searches delivered people to my Internet doorstep:

  • jonathan mcginty, chicago
  • bears favored
  • GRIDIRON+bookie
  • john mayer jessica simpson
  • buckhead bettyz
  • rem texarkana video
  • meaning of outkast xplosion
  • oscar nominated short documentary
  • daniel radcliffe cocksize
  • deangelo hall myspace layout
  • joshua massey
  • artie lange death pool
  • PINKO KIKUCHI
  • "rehearsing a dream"
  • who will win the oscars?
  • children of men indianapolis
  • st. patrick day drinking
  • radcliffe "cock size"
  • ryan phillippe
  • daniel radcliffe "cock size"
  • Joshua Massey
  • mycockrewards.com
  • Leonardo DiCaprio photos
  • governor purdue time management
  • "baby dick" shorts
  • "jamie walters" and vegas
  • luci moby -dick

First, may I say I am sickened by the number of people who want to see Harry Potter's wang (I refuse to use the "magic wand" joke that's been more overused than the tired duo of "Britney Shears" and "Indiana Jones will have to use a walker in his next movie" combined.) Of course, I am even more put off by the fact that my blog comes up in any search for those pictures.

Of course, I'm questioning my own sexuality with the repeated inclusion of obviously gay-sounding terms like "dick," "cocksize" and "John Mayer."

There are good folks out there, looking for some good info, and finding a good time on ol' MAI, though. Best wishes on ya if your Internet browsing takes you to the lands of St. Patrick's Day, R.E.M., Children of Men, or my ol' buddy Luci Butler (who has played with Moby many a'time.) And you're darn right, searcher - as far as I know, she is minus a dick.

Martian morsels

Regular writing in midget-sized form:
  • It's not a secret anymore - and it never really was from my blog readers, just my bosses. After two years teaching 5th grade, I am moving on. People ask me why I am leaving. I mean, other than the feeling of being incarcerated at work and absurdly low pay, this is what I have to deal with: "My dad told me he didn't care what you said about going ahead in the book, I had to do it." That was a student this morning. Not the same one that told another teacher to shut up yesterday, however.
  • So what am I doing? Well, baby, get ready for the new SuperSexy, SuperExciting, SuperJosh State Farm Insurance Agent! (More details coming as they become clear.)
  • Back to teaching for a sec, though. For reasons too boring to detail, I ended up at a Gwinnett County Public Schools board meeting last week. As it was starting, a man said the Pledge of Allegiance - something I hate with a passion, but whatever (I'll explain my abhorrance another another time). However, as soon as the word "...and justice for all" left his lips, he asked everybody to bow their heads. What followed was a fairly lengthy prayer, with the entire board and nearly all audience members standing with eyes closed - and it even ended with the words "in Jesus' name." To make things even more juicily awkward, the man - later revealed to be a southern Baptist preacher - stood directly under the "Public" in the larger-than-life "Gwinnett County Public Schools" sign. I locked eyes with a coworker right after the "Amen," and shot out: "Did that really just happen?" Most within earshot reacted with a smirk, including my Muslim coworker.
  • And remember, I'm pretty damn conservative.
  • It's not an urban legend, it's not something made up - I actually saw the documentation. Two years ago, there was a 5th grade girl at my school named, swear to God, "Catoris." If you don't see the problem, say it out loud.
  • Camille Paglia and I are practically carbon copies of each other. Beside her being a woman, a liberal, bisexual, a feminist, a yankee, supremely intelligent, almost 60, somebody who can use "Dionysian" in a sentence (correctly), and a master at written expression, we're practically the same person. I adore her, and I am so thankful for the return of her monthly column at Salon.com. Even though I find myself nodding in agreement more during the first half, this week's entry is typically wonderful.
  • For my second reading assignment of the day (still some teacher left in me, I guess), I point you to yet another liberal feminist - although my love for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Cynthia Tucker most certainly has an expiration date of tomorrow at the latest. File this one under "even a blind squirrel gets a nut sometime."
  • My final four: North Carolina, Florida, UCLA and Memphis, with UNC winning it all. Boring, I know.
  • Spent the last couple days watching The Guardian, a Kevin Costner film so generic it should have been titled Action Drama. However, mainly due to my undying love for Costner and grudging respect for Ashton Kutcher (he's fairly talented), I sorta enjoyed it, even finding my eyes misting at the finale. Of course, I quickly punched myself in the nuts for that transgression.
  • I'm not sure why everybody is so riled up about eight U.S. attorneys being fired. I mean, it's not like all 93 were fired at the same time, just as legal allegations against the First Lady were gaining steam. I mean, that would be crazy.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Monday funny

It's Monday morning, and we all desperately need a laugh. Even if you've seen the following a million times, I guarantee you'll still smile.

First, a commercial for a children's toy from, based on appearances, the early '90s.



And second, my favorite: A diet pill commercial from the early '80s. Trust me, it couldn't possibly be from any later than that.



Oh, and I hope my Atlanta friends don't have any plans for October 13th.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Empty

We need to dim the lights on the snark and sarcasm for a moment.

Today, we lost an all-timer, one of those rare people who could hide their faults where nobody could find them. You've known a few of those folks in your days, the guy or gal who lit up anywhere they were, had the infectious laugh that brought your own out of nowhere, and contained a million small eccentricities in a seemingly normal whole. The world could be scoured for somebody willing to slander or defame them, but the search would come up empty. The person was just that damn good, and so valuable to your day-to-day existence they became indescribably easy to take for granted. Only a complete disappearance would cause their worth to even begin to reveal itself.

One of those people in my life was Amy Fuller. And she died this morning at the age of 29, a good 70 years too soon.

I consider myself blessed for knowing her, and share in the loss with her friends, family and coworkers - which is in itself a bit redundant, because she was a friend to all. Personally, I will miss the one person who laughed at all my jokes, no matter how dirty, ill-timed, or (often enough) unfunny. And for that reason, please realize I chose my words carefully. We must only dim the snark and sarcasm today. If Amy knew they were turned off at her expense, she would be disappointed in all of us.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Blonde ambition

The so-called Barbie Bandits have been captured, and a restless nation breathes a sigh of stupidity.

The local story made national headlines because, well, it is a little bizarre for teen girls to rob banks. Second, and infinitely more important, they appeared to be attractive.



Of course, it's really just another sickening example of Blonde Bias in the mainstream media. The name "Barbie Bandits" only highlights the tow-haired chick, and the majority of the articles written make big hay of the duo's laughter - even though, from the pictures I've seen, only the blonde is truly having more fun. Brunettes have rights too, dammit.

Anyway, my brother went on-and-on last night about how hot they were, and how they would get all kinds of offers from outlets both reputable and disreputable once they served their slap-on-the-wrist sentence. I warned, however: A blurry black-and-white photo does not attractive make. He shouldn't make up his mind until he saw clearer mugshots.

And once again, big brother is right.



Meet Ashley Nichole Miller, Heather Lyn Johnston and some innocent upstanding citizen obviously caught up in these sirens' evil plans. I look at those mugshots and I think one thing: Why the hell can't anybody spell "Nicole" and "Lynn" correctly anymore? Oh, and how it looks like the first one was hit in the face with a pan, and that the blonde probably has teeth like Richard Kiel underneath that mouth.

We apparently still have yet to see our real-life Sugar and Spice, something I will continue to hope for.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Legends of the fall

It's my life's prevailing mystery. Each summer the questions arise again, and I am left with an unquenchable thirst. Solace only comes with the reminder my children will never suffer the same fate.

They will know who they've seen.

I remember my dad pointing out Pete Rose on an early '80s summer day, and images of Mike Schmidt and Ozzie Smith diving for balls remain etched in my gray matter. I never saw Michael Jordan, but I do remember being courtside to watch Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Magic Johnson warm up for a game against the Atlanta Hawks. That's where it ends, though.

My father did a wonderful job, but there's one more thing I wish he'd done: I want to know what athletes I've seen in person. I want a program from each baseball, basketball and football game I went to in my youth. I want old box scores, and I want to know exactly which Hall of Famers I can tell my grandchildren I saw.

As I've entered my adulthood, I've tried to see all the big-name superstars I could. I've seen the Braves go up against Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez, Cal Ripken Jr., Todd Helton and Ken Griffey, Jr., among others. Problem is, I have been to so many Atlanta Braves games, they all tend to run together. Unlike the one of two Falcons games I see per season, I can't tell you any specifics of a game I saw in, say, 1988. So while I may have seen '80s greats like Tony Gwynn, Nolan Ryan or Johnny Bench play, I have no clue if I actually did.

So yes, my kids will have full box scores of every game they attend, with the hope they will someday be a 31-year-old and care enough to take a look through the stacks.

Like I said, though, my memory of Atlanta Falcons games are clearer, because they are fewer and farther between. So I decided to take a look at some old box scores, and see what legends I saw play in person. I've been to many more Falcons games than this, but these are the ones that stand out for some reason.

Houston Oilers at Atlanta Falcons, 9/23/84 - I remember this day because my dad knew John James, the Oilers punter. He had promised to take my brother and I down to the locker room after the game. That news was Christmas morning times ten to my 8-year-old ears. Sadly, the Oilers got skunked in the game, and James sent us a message: the players had decided to have a closed door meeting, thus no locker room tour. So yeah, the one time I get invited into a locker room, the hapless Falcons go out and trounce their opponent - something they never do. As for legends of the game, well, Warren Moon was the Oilers's quarterback that day. And to think, only 14 years later, he would sit next to me at The Gold Club. Legends: Warren Moon




Los Angeles Raiders at Atlanta Falcons, 12/1/85 - I didn't mention any Atlanta legends above, primarily because they were scarce in those days. However, Steve Bartkowski was a damn good quarterback, something I'm reminded of by seeing Dave Archer's name here. Archer has come into his own as an announcer, but man, I was only nine years old and still not impressed. That didn't stop me from having my picture taken with him after the game, a shot I still have somewhere. Because get this: the Falcons were so unpopular in those days, they would tailgate in the parking lot after most of the fans cleared out. The picture is of my brother and I with Archer, him with one arm in a sling, and the other holding a beer. Ah, the good ol' days of professional athletics. Legends: Marcus Allen



Chicago Bears at Atlanta Falcons, 11/16/86 - As I'm sure this was a hot ticket in '86, the year after Chicago's Super Bowl win, real credit goes to my dad for taking my brother and I. Truth is, we were much more excited about seeing Jim McMahon and William "The Refridgerator" Perry than the Falcons or even Walter Payton, but hey, I was 10. After the game, we stood outside the Chicago locker room, patiently waiting with autograph books in hand. The door flung open and McMahon sauntered out. Not breaking stride or making eye contact, he reached into a group of kids and scribbled his name in only one book: mine. Hells yeah. Legends: Walter Payton, Richard Dent, Kevin Butler, Mike Singletary, coach Mike Ditka



St. Louis Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons, 9/14/86 - All I remember is my mom taking me to a Cardinals game at some point in the '80s, and after taking a quick look through the decade, this is the only game that fits that description. "Neil Lomax to Roy Green" doesn't exactly set the panties on fire, does it? It is cool to see Falcons RB William Andrews's name down there, though. I see him practically every morning these days, as he drops his wife off for work (she's just down the hall from me.) Legends: William Andrews and, uh, Gerald Riggs?



San Francisco 49ers at Atlanta Falcons, 11/9/92 - My buddy Chip was a Joe Montana fan of the tallest order, so I'm sure there was disappointment the Hall of Fame quarterback was hurt for this Monday Night Football contest. We were in the building, though - the still-new Georgia Dome, in fact. I don't remember many details of the game, but I do recall Danny Glover was on the 49ers sideline the entire time. Legends: Steve Young, Jerry Rice, Joe Montana (on the bench), Ricky Watters, Deion Sanders



Miami Dolphins at Atlanta Falcons, 12/27/98 - The Super Bowl season, and only two weeks after I graduated from college. This was the last regular season game, and one that would put them at a regular season mark of 14-2 (unmatched before, unmatched since). And though the Falcons would go to the championship game, there was really only one legend on this field. Legends: Dan Marino



I've been to a lot of games since, but I hesitate to call guys like Shaun Alexander and Warren Sapp legends quite yet. I'll save that for a post in 2015.

3/2 update: Oh yeah, I just remembered one. I was in the Dome for the 1995 week one matchup between the Falcons and the Carolina Panthers - a somewhat memorable game because it was the first game of the Panthers's existence. A quick look at the box score shows nobody of true "legend" status except maybe Morten Andersen - unless your opinion of Kerry Collins is a bit inflated, of course.