Friday, August 31, 2007

"Hey, It's Friday, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass FOOTBALL Music Video!"

Forget liver disease - I'm pretty sure Walter Payton died of embarrassment over this. Even in his lyrics, he's pleading, "Dammit, just remember I'm doing this for charity. Please realize this. Christ."

Jim McMahon, on the other hand, is only envisioning the lucrative music career sure to follow.

I miss the '80s.



In six hours, when you're mindlessly muttering "We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle" under your breath, no thanks will be required.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tent City 2007. T-minus 48 hours...

College football begins tonight, and ajc.com has welcomed us back by posting a big photo of our tailgate - again.


Fellow Tent City denizen Matt Tovrog. Forget the cherry, I like the beer in his shirt pocket.

Seriously, the AJC is acting a bit too much like an obsessed ex for our tastes. We're prepping for "back away slowly" mode unless this singular focus comes to an end.

We are obviously the best tailgate, but we also value our privacy.

(Oh, and I'm really hoping some people think this photo goes with the headline next to it. "Those durn Mexicuns with their churries n' tuberculosis!")

Tailback Mountain

According to what I've been hearing on the radio, as well as reading here, Atlanta Falcons games are going to be a slightly different experience this year. How to put this...

Less:



More:



Which is cool, but, you know, different. Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle.



Thursday, August 23, 2007

What's your fantasy?

Like every other computer in the world, mine alerts me with a little chime every time I get an e-mail. Well today, it's sounded like a damn ice cream truck with ringing every 10 seconds or so. Notes are just pouring in, and everybody wants to talk about one thing.

A few examples:

from: mayapapaya03@hotmail.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: draft
Hey, baby! I know I asked you last night, but can you tell me about your fantasy football team one more time? Like who's on it, and all the stats you know about each person! It's SOOO exciting! Love, The Girl

from: gbush@whitehouse.gov
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: I am McLovin!
'Sup, fucka. Sorry I bugged you last night in the middle of your football draft. Who'd you end up getting? You pick up Kellen Winslow like I told you? That guy's a soldier, just like the honorable men and women now serving in Iraq fighting for - oh fuck, man. I just remembered! Condi told me to tell you, uh, I can't even read this. Another language, I think. Let me just cut-and-paste this bitch: "Onservativec aluesv otn ompletelyc eadd. Otev onr aulp." Whatever that means, dude. So how'd the draft go?

from: ookie07@badnewzkennels.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: this is why I'm hot, why I'm hot, why I'm hot
I lovez that song - it couldz uze more z's in itz, though. So wez workinz togeher agen thiz seazon? Don'tz have much to do 'n shit. Hook me upz.


from: tbrady@patriots.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: teamwork
Hey, thanks man for at least considering me. So did you take me in the draft? I know my entire fanbase is made up of sniveling douches, and I hope you can overlook that. Because, yeah, Boston sucks in every conceivable way, and I just want to be part of a winner. Finally. I hate the Red Sox too.

from: bmoynahan@coyoteuglyalums.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: AAAAAAAHHHH!
I HEARD YOU WERE THINKING OF TAKING MY MAN! WELL, HANDS OFF MOTHERFUCKER, OR I WILL CUT YOU! HE'S MY BABYDADDY AND IF I CATCH YOU WITHIN TEN MILES OF HIM, GODDAMMIT, I WILL - ooh gross, placenta...

from: reggieb@nawlins.com
to: joshmassey@mindspring.com
subject: I'm excited
My agent tells me we're working together. I'm drowning with excitement, and flooded with emotions. It's like a hurricane of happiness, mixed with a gang rape of love. Wait, that last one didn't work, did it? THIS CITY SMELLS LIKE PISS!

Yes, apparently the secret is out - my fantasy football draft was last night. I'm excited to see how many people care. Of course, I understand, because I know how interesting it is to read about other peoples' fantasy teams. So I won't keep you in suspense any longer. This is the starting roster of my 2007 squad, They Just Dogs!:

QB: Tom Brady
RB: Rudi Johnson
RB: Reggie Bush
WR: Anquan Boldin
WR: D.J. Hackett
WR: Devin Hester
TE: Jeremy Shockey
K: Jeff Wilkins

Ok, truth be told, the draft sucked. I wasn't in the most sober frame of mind, and apparently was easily distracted by the absurd Texas/Baltimore game. Somehow I ended up with three tight ends, didn't start off the run on defensive players like I usually do, and yes, ended up with the stars of my two least favorite teams (Saints and Patriots).

And I don't even know who the hell D.J. Hackett is. Shit. This is going to be a long season.

Hat tip: This post is a blatant ripoff of Doug.

I forgive you!

It's only August, but I don't have a problem saying the worst movie of 2007 is Spider-Man 3. Of course, I've laid out my feelings about it before.

This, though, is perfect. And it captures the film's inanity so much better than I could do with stupid ol' words.



HT: Hot Blog

Going on 30

The Rangers set a team record for runs scored in a doubleheader -- before the second game even started.

There is no spoon

My brain just melted.

Monday, August 20, 2007

The stuff

Here's some stuff rattlin' around - and I don't say that lightly, as the poster for the 1985 horror flick The Stuff gave me serious nightmares in the mid-'80s. Never turn your back on stuff. Make a note.

  • Mental midgets. If only there had been actual midgets. That would have been cooler. Seriously, though, I'm tired of crap like this passing for a "statement," or even worse, for "art." (And please hold your pretentious "art is what you make it" arguments. I ain't buyin'.). I went to Atlanta's High Museum over the weekend - seriously, it was like culture 'n shit - and one entire gallery showed nothing but three pieces of solid color fabric cut out like pie pieces. That was it. I wish I could remember how the artist tried to justify it, but it was probably something about the unbearable lightness of being, or some such pube vomit. I call horseshit. Literally - I actually said "This is horseshit" fairly loudly, which caused some old poofs to raise their eyebrows at me, and then ever-so-slightly nod their heads.

  • The worst show on television last season was "24." It wasn't even close, and I saw every episode of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." I know bad TV. The Kiefer Sutherland show always teetered on the edge of stupidity (as I've said before, the show should be called "16" and do away with at least eight shows of filler per year). This past year's installment should have been called "4," because after a good start, it was complete and utter crap. Horrible writing, bad acting, and storylines that went absolutely nowhere. So what have the filmmakers decided to do to get back on track? Janeane Garofalo has been added to the cast. Good lord, any second chance hosannas I might have awarded the show are gone with the wind. And for the record, I found her grandmother-of-emo schtick irritating far before she became a failed radio host.

  • I'm crushed after hearing DJ Shockley will miss the entire 2007 football season. After trudging through this Michael Vick stuff - remember, I loved Vick as a QB - Shockley was my one bright spot for the upcoming Falcons season. I didn't think he'd start, but knowing he could go in at any moment would have kept me continuously interested, even in light of a possible 4-12 season. And now that's gone. Of course, it's the Falcons and I'll still watch all 16, but I'm definitely bummed. In the end, actually, Shockley's injury might actually help the team. QB Joey Harrington needed to get the support of the fanbase, and with the former UGA quarterback out of the picture, getting it will be a lot easier. Assuming Harrington plays all 16, Atlanta will benefit from having a quarterback with more confidence.

  • And good lord, Harrington, it's time for a change. "Joey" is either the dumb guy on "Friends," a baby kangaroo, or that one guy in The Rat Pack you've never heard of - it ain't a rough and tough professional football player. Ever heard of Joey Montana? Joey Namath? Mean Joey Greene? Hell no, and for good reason. This is a fresh start, one you quite frankly lucked into - and you know it. Put your disappointing NFL past behind you, and introduce everyone to a guy only looking to the future - JOE HARRINGTON. God, that sounds so much better.


  • The Girl and I were watching a Falcons game last week, and she said, "Damn, I never realized it before, but that Harrington is one good looking man." Oh, alright - actually, she wasn't even there, and it was me that said "Damn, I never realized it before, but that Harrington is one good looking man." I admit it. But hey, I'll call 'em like I see 'em.




  • According to many voices I've heard over the past month, Superbad puts Citizen Kane to fucking shame. And maybe it's those enhanced expectations that led to me walking out of the theater uttering, "It was funny, but there hasn't been a movie since Wedding Crashers that would have benefited more from 30 minutes being left on the cutting room floor." I love me some Seth Rogen - all the way back to "Freaks & Geeks" - but that movie didn't need those cops at all. They had some good lines, yes, but they seemed to exist on a different parallel than the rest of the film. The kids' storyline was real world, but whenever Rogen and Bill Hader showed up, the movie shifted into Naked Gun IV territory. They provided some great lines, but should have been in a different feature altogether. But man, that first 45 minutes is some of the funniest mamajama I've seen in awhile (that's not called Knocked Up, of course.)

  • Another quick movie note: Finally saw The Simpsons Movie. Again, a few throwaway good lines, but I couldn't believe how dreadfully bored I was near the end - and it's only 86 minutes long!

  • I don't think there's ever been a faster realizing-something-exists-to-buying-it time lapse than when I saw this on Amazon earlier today. I get to watch Georgia beat Florida, then return home to find that in my mailbox. I may never be happier. Including when my kids are eventually born.

  • "How dare they arrest this woman?" asks Chicago immigration activist Javier Rodriguez. Seriously! How dare United States officials arrest a woman who illegally immigrated to Washington in 1997, was deported, returned illegally in 2000, only to take a job (using a fake Social Security number) at O'Hare International Airport? How dare they? I think our airports could use more undocumented criminals from other countries. I'm to the point that if a Presidential candidate promised to focus on illegal immigration and moving toward the Fair Tax, they could fellate a puppy on "60 Minutes" and still get my vote.

Friday, August 17, 2007

"Hey, It's Friday, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass Music Video!"

In a surprising move, Georgia Tech has hired Michael Vick as a consultant for the upcoming football season. Why? It's obvious nobody else there knows how to beat a Dawg!

Zing!

No, I didn't make that up. Thank God.

Anyway, here are a few videos for your Friday consumption. See if you can spot the theme.





Thursday, August 16, 2007

And there goes the season

"I like them a lot."
- ESPN's Mark May, regarding Georgia

Fuck.

Monday, August 13, 2007

All is well

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows this morning.

Great book, the best in the series. However, Hagrid's sudden panty-hose fetish, not to mention the (spoiler warning!) kitten rape, was a bit much. Even for me.

Friday, August 10, 2007

"Hey, It's Friday, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass Music Video!"

So much better than a music video. Twenty-two days, bitches.



Hat tip: Hartman.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Random thoughts. Like Demi Moore's Mortal Thoughts, but mine aren't capable of dying

Man, do I hate it when thoughts die. You know, like "conservatism" or "who cares, it tastes good." Tragic.

  • Barry Bonds has hit #756. I'm fairly apathetic about the whole thing, which is surprising as a Braves fan. I should be frothing at the mouth over some steroid-enhanced behemoth taking the record away from our beloved Hank. Alas, not to be. One, I can't summon the righteousness. Two, A-Rod is gonna take it away in seven years or so. Three, and this is important, I think it's overlooked that many pitchers Bonds faced were likely on the juice (something Aaron never had to deal with.) I didn't watch last night, but I did love this quote from pitcher Mike Bacsik, who gave up the homer: "Me and Al Downing I guess will be linked for a long time. Hopefully I can win 20 games and be an All-Star like him one day." Classy. Downing, of course, is the pitcher who gave up #755 to Aaron.

  • Staying the course on baseball: I'm loving this Atlanta/New York series so far. Once Chipper retires in a few, it's looking like Jeff Francoeur just might inherit the mantle of "Mets Killer."

  • Rick Reilly has lain some schmack down on our corrupt politicians and the despicable practice of eminent domain. I can't find it online, but check out the back page of the new Sports Illustrated (with, who else, Bonds on the cover.) It's stuff like this that really makes me think we're in need of The American Revolution II. Some sequels are just begging to be made.

  • I'm absurdly stoked about the return of the HBO series "Hard Knocks," which has previously chronicled the preseasons of the 2001 Baltimore Ravens and the 2002 Dallas Cowboys. After a too-long hiatus, it returns with its gaze set on the Kansas City Chiefs. "Giddy" doesn't even begin to describe. The problem lies with its scheduling: Wednesdays at 10 p.m. The only other two shows I'm watching this summer? "Rescue Me," FX, Wednesdays at 10 p.m. and "Top Chef," Bravo, Wednesdays at 10 p.m. That's a kick in the balls. (And no, I'm not embarrassed about my addiction to "Top Chef." It's damn good TV, folks.)

  • Virginia Tech just hasn't had a good year. First, my beloved Bulldogs rallied to beat the Hokies in January's Chick-Fil-A Bowl. Then, in a far less devastating development, a guy shot some people. Well, the news keeps getting worse. On September 6th, John Mayer will perform on campus. How much more do these people have to suffer? Dave Matthews and Nas will join McStupid on stage at "A Concert For Virginia Tech" (and the performers are actually more bland than the title.) Fine and dandy, but as James Taranto points out, is Nas really the most fitting guest to remember the tragedy? From his 1999 song titled, no shit, "Shoot 'Em Up":

    "One 44, two 45's/
    3 loaded clips, 4 niggas roll, one nigga drives/
    500 Benz, 6 reasons why/
    This kid should die/
    We shootin' every motherfucker outside/
    Pulled on his block, jumped out the car, guns in our hand/
    At the same time everybody ran/
    There that nigga go, hiding in the crowd/
    Let the trigger blow, 7 shots now, he lying on the ground."

    And now let's light a candle!

  • Every Day Must Be Saturday has taken a shot at jean shorts-wearing Georgia fans which, considering they're Florida faithful, is a bit like Germany scolding Mexico for killing Jews. Need I remind:

God, I was a lot thinner then.

Friday, August 03, 2007

"Hey, It's Friday, Let's Watch A Kick-Ass Music Video!"

I just finished watching Zodiac a few days ago. It's the decades-spanning story of the infamous San Francisco serial killer, and the manhunt's effects on various reporters and investigators. It blazed in and out of theaters earlier this year, but it's still appalling it took me this long to see it. I'm almost always first in line to see anything by director David Fincher.

The guy hasn't steered me wrong yet. His Fight Club and Seven would make a list of my all-time favorite films, and even his supposed misfires - Alien 3 and The Game - have moments of undeniable brilliance. And as of right now, Zodiac is the best film of 2007. (Of course, that's not saying much, as Knocked Up and Live Free or Die Hard round out the top three.)

Fincher's chops could be witnessed well before his big-screen debut, though. In fact, in doing a little research about his career, I discovered he was responsible for one of my all-time favorite music videos. I'm not sure how well it holds up today (OK, it doesn't), but it's not hard to understand why I liked it so much as a 14-year-old.



Oh, and this isn't a video per se, but a buddy sent it to me and it's too good to pass up. It's a clip from 1940's Ghost Breakers, starring Bob Hope.



Oh c'mon, it's funny. Of course, today the punchline could have been either major party and it would have fit.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Want Teixeira memory?


Click for bigger Tex goodness.

Oh, the joy sports can bring.

A motley crew made up of The Girl, The Siblings and myself trekked to Turner Field last night to see Mark Teixeira's first game in a Braves uniform.

By the sixth inning, thanks to some primo usher flirting by The Sister, we ended up five rows behind home plate; just absurd seats, really. And just a few batters after we sit down, not only do we see Teixeira's first hit as a Brave, we see his first home run as a Brave. (Thanks to The Girl for the above photo, taken a mere minute before said home run. Even better for her to get my new company's logo so prominently in the shot.)

If he weren't a former Nerd, I'd be running out for a #24 jersey today. We gotta have our standards, though.