"If I can get my milk for free, I am going to start fucking cows."
Ok, there. Now you have no reason to ever see The Ten, because you already know the one funny line in the entire film. And even though you might not have heard of The Ten now, eventually you're going to come across it and say to yourself, "Hey, it's got Paul Rudd, folks from 'Reno 911' and 'The State,' Jessica Alba, Winona Ryder, Famke Janssen, Adam Brody - that's gotta be good."
The Ten is a series of thinly related stories, each tackling a different commandment of the "Thou shalt not" variety. Rudd serves as "host," I guess, introducing each short while carrying on with his own unamusing storyline. And for Paul Rudd to be unamusing, well, it'd seem you'd have to willingly tank, but that's not the case here. The effort is there, and yet in a 90-minute comedy, I cracked a smile only once.
Let me put it this way: I literally laughed more in Schindler's List than The Ten. (There are some intentionally light moments in Spielberg's film, if you'll recall.)
Alright, well I'm considering that my Good Deed of the Day. I saved you almost two hours that you can now spend volunteering at a soup kitchen, calling your grandmother, painting a sunset, or downloading that equine porn you like so much, freakshow.
Onto the Friday Random 10, with songs straight from my iPod and completely unrelated commentary:
1) Pearl Jam, "Severed Hand" - Every movie I've seen recently has been an extreme - a superb, eye-opening work, or a fly-ridden Thin Mint made of fecal matter and burps. The Ten obviously falls into the latter category, along with Shoot 'Em Up (which alternately thrives on bullet-ridden violence and preachy anti-gun messages) and Inland Empire (which plays more like a bad David Lynch parody than an actual Lynch film). But I have two fantastic, potential all-timers to recommend: David Cronenberg's Eastern Promises and, especially, the Irish musical Once. They will be ignored come Oscar time, but you won't be able to find more wondrous films ...
2) Ben Folds Five, "Brick" - ... for at least a week. Because we're seven days away from the return of John Rambo, sucka! Is anybody as excited about this as I am? Ok, then is anybody at least a little excited? Savor these times, people. In a 13-month span, we have gotten revisited by Rocky Balboa, John McClane and John Rambo, and Indiana Jones is only a few months away. It's as if Hollywood turned to my 12-year-old self and said, "Just make whatever you want." (That probably also explains the impending remake of Hellraiser, and I do apologize about that one).
3) U2, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" - By the way, we'll know my 12-year-old self is really in control if Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger make a movie together. If that happens, I won't ever have to watch a movie again. I will be satisfied.
4) They Might Be Giants, "Hot Cha" - Actor Brad Renfro left us this week. And I said goodbye the best way I know how: submitting an ill-timed, asshole headline to Fark. And they used it.
5) Bruce Springsteen, "Worlds Apart" - I've been found out. "As part of the agreement, Massey promises to develop and implement new procedures and tracking systems to prevent waste water discharges." If only, right? (Thanks to Stanicek for the heads-up).
6) U2, "Hallelujah Here She Comes" - And there she goes, although I'm not hallelujah-ing anything. The Fiancee is headed out of town tomorrow, our first weekend apart since she started wearing that fancy new ring. And I'm totally going to miss her, which makes me gay, right? God, I'm gay. And you'd think I would have big plans, like strip clubs, poker nights, all forms of debaucherous leanings - but eh, I'll probably get around to seeing There Will Be Blood (she isn't interested), watching the NFL playoffs (she isn't interested), and doing my laundry (shockingly, she isn't interested). I know, I'm such a wild and crazy guy! When the cat's away, huh? Am I right? Woo-hoooooooo...
7) Countdown Singers, "I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home" - Ok, I said I wasn't going to comment on the songs, but a little explanation is in order: my dad doesn't even know how to turn on a computer, so I download songs he wants and load them onto his iPod. In the process, though, they end up on mine as well. And this is the kind of music my dad likes. We're similar in a lot of ways, but I'm pleased to say musical taste isn't one of them. (He swears this was a big hit, by the way).
8) Outkast, "Elevators (Me and You)" - Alright, the NFL championship games are this weekend, and I'm excited to join 99.999% of the country in rooting for the Green Bay Packers. Look, the end game here is a Patriots loss - that's all I'm focused on. And Brett Favre would pull off that minor miracle much more adeptly than Eli Manning ever could (and don't even think about Philip Rivers, who has quickly revealed himself as a genuine, top-of-the-line, shiny ol' cockface). So come on Pack, I've always loved ya. (I'm 4-4 in my playoff picks so far, and I'm taking Green Bay -7 and Patriots -14 this weekend.).
9) Hootie & the Blowfish, "Drowning" - I'm not sure how it started, but all of my Friday Random 10s have stolen a subtitle from a different Hollywood sequel. "Friday Random 10: Electric Boogaloo," "Friday Random 10: Jason Takes Manhattan," etc. etc. After a year or so, though, it became hard to come up with franchises I'd never used before. And thus, you get "Oblivion." Five points to whoever can tell me what film series that comes from, and I'll trust you not to cheat with IMDB.
10) Peter, Paul & Mary, "Puff the Magic Dragon (Live)" - Again, my dad's choice. He's certainly never let on, but I'm thinking he used to do a lot of drugs. That would explain his song selections, at least. And my siblings. (Just kiddin' wit'cha, dudes!).