Wednesday, May 28, 2008

There Will Be Blood Part II

Look no further for evidence I should never, ever, ever, ever play softball again.

To recap, this happens to me in one of our first games of the season:

And now, tonight, in the final doubleheader to determine league champion - I decide to slide under a tag at home plate.

I think I see the Virgin Mary in there. Or Jon Benet Ramsey.

And that's the G-rated shot, sans blood and dirt. Another one of those beauties is creeping onto my ass ($5 will get you the whole set). Additionally, it hurts a whole f'in lot worse than the cut on my head.

Now, it should be pointed out, I was safe. Gloriously so, Sid Bream-style, right under the tag. And we went on to sweep the two games, meaning the creatively titled Black Team is now undisputed world champion of Briarlake Baptist Men's Softball. I just wish stepping into the shower ten minutes ago hadn't made me scream like a pissed off Joe Pesci. That sort of sucked.

Just remember, though: it's the personal sacrifices that get things done, my friends. Represent, bitches.

Now I'm going to try and get some sleep. Carefully. On my back. Without crying. I think.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

He hit the nail on the jackpot

Atlanta Braves postgame analyst Brian Jordan, about two minutes ago:

"You know what they say - when you go to the well once too often, you'll get burned!"

Wherever Jordan is from, you can bet they have some scary-ass wells.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Say hello to the night

In 5th grade, I made a deal with my mom: if she let me see The Lost Boys in the theaters (rated R!), I wouldn't watch TV for a month. It ended up being worth every non-"ALF" second.

Twenty-one years later, and it may be time for another deal. July brings us The Lost Boys: The Tribe, starring Corey Feldman, the "O.C." chick who ended up marrying Ryan, and Kiefer Sutherland. (I might be wrong about that last one).

The thing is, my original deal won't work, and for another reason besides I'm 32 and Mom is OK with me seeing R-rated movies. If I don't watch TV, you see, I'll completely miss it. Straight to DVD, suckas.

Wow, it's going to be really awful. Really stupid. And really at the top of my Netflix queue.

Friday, May 16, 2008


I'm meeting Gene Hackman tonight.

Tonight, the Academy Award-winning actor is signing copies of his new book, and I hold a pass to the soiree.

Lex Luthor. Popeye Doyle. Norman Dale. Royal Tenenbaum. MacArthur Stern.

And I'm nervous about it. Really fucking nervous. I've met a few massive movie stars in my time, but rarely one more apt to slice my bowels open if I say something stupid. And I'm expected to be around him for three hours without making a verbal misstep of any kind. Oh, and I'm bringing a freaking Superman poster for him to sign.

God, he's going to kill me.

So, you know, I'm resigned to that. In 24 hours, I will have met Gene Hackman, embarrassed myself to the point of retardation, and will either have died at his hand or my own. Fine. As long as I get my poster autographed.

If I'm going to go down, though, I'm going to go down flailing. I'm completely committed to asking a question that will bring shame on me, and perhaps the future generations of the Massey clan. And that's where you come in.

The game: What Should I Ask Gene Hackman?

I have a few possibilities below, and please use the Comments section to either vote or select your own. Here are are the options:

1) "You know requiring your basketball players to pass five times before shooting is a really stupid coaching move, right?"

2) "Full Moon in Blue Water. The legendary pairing of you and Teri Garr. Where did that genius come about?"

3) "Hey, aren't you the guy from Class Action?"

4) "You've worked with Clint Eastwood a number of times. What does he look like naked?"

5) "Why haven't you ever worked with Kirstie Alley? Because she's a Scientologist, or because you don't like fat people?"

6) "When you were young and starring in films like Bonnie and Clyde and The Conversation, did you ever imagine you'd end your acting career with a classic like Welcome to Mooseport?"

7) "You played 'Harmsworth' in 1967's A Covenant With Death. What's the hold-up on the sequel?"

8) "Why didn't you appear in Bats 1 through 20? Too arty?"

9) "Did you know football teams can carry backup quarterbacks? Just because the starter comes back doesn't mean Keanu Reeves has to quit the team."

10) "Superman IV. What the fuck?"

Monday, May 12, 2008

The pancakes were good, though

I got sent home from work today.

The cold I've been fighting for a few days was still lingering, and it was one 7:15 a.m. coughing fit that triggered my boss's evacuation order. He'd rather have one contagious person miss one day than eight people miss three days, I guess. Makes sense.

So woo-hoo, three-day weekend!

Of course, I really am sick, so it's not all wine and wine coolers. But instead of being a lump, I tried to be as productive as possible. So I watched a movie (Before the Devil Knows You're Dead - two thumbs up), two Braves games (double header), and - OK, I wasn't that productive. But I did clean out my closet.

And I found this:

January 4th, 1993. Junior year of high school.

I had met a few friends at IHOP before school started, and our Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruitys lasted us well into first period. Well, being the sharp wit that I am, I had our waitress write us a note. And ol' Coach Bill Ballard - now the decorated coach of Tucker High- apparently wasn't on the same humor wavelength. Thankfully, though, his referral form comments were unnecessarily descriptive.

Three days of detention was a little harsh, no?


And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the most exciting, expressive picture of George Will I could find.

In his list of questions for Barack Obama, George Will encapsulates why I won't be voting for the Democrat in November. (And note that Obama's race and religion are brought up a total of zero times).

Of course, Will's upcoming list of questions for John McCain will likely sum up why I won't be voting Republican either.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

10 things I think I think (with apologies to Peter King and his enormous coffee-swilling melon)

1) I'm just not that excited to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Too much CG, too much looking like it was filmed on a set, too much George Lucas. And this is coming from a guy who checked out of school to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade on opening day in 1989. But, hey, of course I'll find my butt in the seat before June rolls around.

2) The Georgia Bulldogs need to break out the black uniforms once, and only once, this season: October 11th against Tennessee. (Oh, and no Soulja Boy. None. Not once. Negatory, yo.)

3) I have a new favorite shirt, courtesy of The Fiancee's visit to the University of North Texas (college home to her brother). It's perfectly innocuous, except to people with filthy minds like me and my future wife.

Apparently the college's radio station ran into a bit of trouble, as all call letters west of the Mississippi begin with K. You'll find them under the jumbled moniker "KNUT" instead of the more logical choice.

4) Writer Michael McCullers turned in a cute, funny script for Baby Mama, but that didn't mean he had to direct it as well. The bad lighting may have been the fault of my theater, but Regal certainly had nothing to do with the poor framing, overabundance of awkward close-ups, and odd editing that seemed to blunt more than a few jokes. His failings behind the camera aside, however, the movie succeeded because of its two leads (Tina Fey and Amy Poehler), who I will see in anything. Only Poehler could deliver a line like "It feels like I'm shitting a knife!" with the joie de vivre on display here.

5) That was only the fourth movie The Fiancee and I have seen together in almost a year. Michael Clayton. American Gangster. Enchanted. Baby Mama. Seeing the theme? Me neither.

6) It's a couple weeks old, but nevertheless, seeing history up close is kinda cool. Mr. John Smoltz's 3000th strikeout:

7) And speaking of baseball, I'm of the firm belief nobody under the age of 15 likes the sport. You see kids at the games, every ballpark is so damn toddler-friendly, but not a single damn one of those little brats is actually watching the game. And half of them are asleep by the 3rd inning. So while I see the rare need for a baseball-themed toy, is there really a child - especially in Atlanta - yearning for what I recently found in a Toys R Us aisle? Behold, the Kevin Youkilis figure:

"With mighty .280 hitting action! Power swing to a career-best 16 home runs in a season! Includes lightning-fast five-base-stealing moves!"

8) In Atlanta, every Hispanic woman between the ages of 17 and 40 is pregnant. I swear.

9) I wanted to pull this guy over and ask him to work the door for my 75th birthday - tomorrow. Or ask him if he protects the children, because we should teach them well and let them lead the way. Or ask him what he says when he has to go back to work. Or ask him if he tells women at bars that he's a Timecop.

10) "Um, yeah, so remember that whole warming thing we talked about, this irreversible thing that we nevertheless have to fight? And how our infalliable models presented a future of rapidly rising temperatures that would eventually kill us all? Ok, I mean, it's all still true, it's just that, you know, it's sort of pausing, I guess you could say. It's all reversing itself for 10 years, cooling down, but then - oh man, you wait for it - it's gonna get all hot up in here again! Yeah, I know those models we love to fall back on didn't see this coming, but they were, you know, wrong in only this one little aspect. Every thing else they said is dead on, I swear, and we shouldn't stop pouring money into global warm - I mean, climate change, because the rising temperatures will wipe us out! Yeah, starting in 10 years. Unless we tell you different."