Friday, May 16, 2008


I'm meeting Gene Hackman tonight.

Tonight, the Academy Award-winning actor is signing copies of his new book, and I hold a pass to the soiree.

Lex Luthor. Popeye Doyle. Norman Dale. Royal Tenenbaum. MacArthur Stern.

And I'm nervous about it. Really fucking nervous. I've met a few massive movie stars in my time, but rarely one more apt to slice my bowels open if I say something stupid. And I'm expected to be around him for three hours without making a verbal misstep of any kind. Oh, and I'm bringing a freaking Superman poster for him to sign.

God, he's going to kill me.

So, you know, I'm resigned to that. In 24 hours, I will have met Gene Hackman, embarrassed myself to the point of retardation, and will either have died at his hand or my own. Fine. As long as I get my poster autographed.

If I'm going to go down, though, I'm going to go down flailing. I'm completely committed to asking a question that will bring shame on me, and perhaps the future generations of the Massey clan. And that's where you come in.

The game: What Should I Ask Gene Hackman?

I have a few possibilities below, and please use the Comments section to either vote or select your own. Here are are the options:

1) "You know requiring your basketball players to pass five times before shooting is a really stupid coaching move, right?"

2) "Full Moon in Blue Water. The legendary pairing of you and Teri Garr. Where did that genius come about?"

3) "Hey, aren't you the guy from Class Action?"

4) "You've worked with Clint Eastwood a number of times. What does he look like naked?"

5) "Why haven't you ever worked with Kirstie Alley? Because she's a Scientologist, or because you don't like fat people?"

6) "When you were young and starring in films like Bonnie and Clyde and The Conversation, did you ever imagine you'd end your acting career with a classic like Welcome to Mooseport?"

7) "You played 'Harmsworth' in 1967's A Covenant With Death. What's the hold-up on the sequel?"

8) "Why didn't you appear in Bats 1 through 20? Too arty?"

9) "Did you know football teams can carry backup quarterbacks? Just because the starter comes back doesn't mean Keanu Reeves has to quit the team."

10) "Superman IV. What the fuck?"


DAve said...

11) Can you get me a good deal on storm doors and landscape lighting?

Matty T said...

From my vantage point, your character in "The Firm" was impotent. This leads to my three party question. 1. Why did Avery always get boozed up if he wanted to do the freaky dance when he must've known that booze can't help Little Gene Hackman perform. 2. Even if he were to get Abby McDeere to cheat on Mitch, imagine the embarrassment of not being able to perform, considering this was a pre-Viagra movie. Your thoguhts? 3. Ironic considering the movie is titled "The Firm", no?

Matty T said...

Oh, and 4. What takes so long to put together an insurance policy on a rental property?

Doug said...

1. In "The Replacements," in the final game against Dallas, you said that you needed "a good [punt] return" to get the Sentinels in position to kick a field goal and tie the game in the final seconds. After the return, on the Sentinels' very first play from scrimmage, the field-goal team was called in, so presumably y'all didn't have enough time left on the clock to run a regular play before kicking the field goal. However, after Shane Falco ran the ball into the end zone and the TD was nullified by an offensive holding penalty, y'all somehow still had enough time to run the final play in which Falco threw the game-winning TD pass to Murphy. Now, in both college and professional American football, a game cannot end on a defensive penalty, but an offensive penalty would not have put time back on the clock and allowed the play to be run again. So if you apparently did have enough time to run an offensive play, why didn't you try at least once to get the ball in the end zone, you gutless fuck?

2. If you're not too upset about that last comment, can I get a cell-phone picture of you holding up this " is the serious ill shit" sign?

Tree Rollins said...

Ask him: Genester, actors are illiterate, how'd you write a book?

Actionman said...

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is an amazing piece of filmmaking.

Riley said...

How did this go?