Monday, June 02, 2008

Expand your mind, man

I am suddenly an 80-year-old woman.

This is the result of my first physical since the year started with "19."


  • Quinaretic - For blood pressure that, I'm pretty sure, made the nurse audibly gulp upon seeing the numbers.
  • Diovan HCT - Another blood pressure medication, because apparently only one wouldn't do the job.
  • Sulfamethoxazole - For treating bacterial infections. Oh right, remember my banged-up leg? Infected as hell, despite pouring hydrogen peroxide on it twice a day as instructed. Glad to see all that assorted burning and stinging served no purpose.
  • Rifampin - Another bacteria stopper. Although describes it as for "the treatment of all forms of tuberculosis and the treatment of some people who have meningitis without symptoms." And that's awesome.
  • Tricor - My favorite. For, as the doctor put it, a "savagely genetic cholesterol problem." Savagely genetic. I like that only because I can blame my parents instead of my well-balanced diet of fast food, caffeine and beer. I'll be taking this every day for the rest of my life, I'm told.
  • Hydrocodone - Well, this one I like. Fluffy rainbows!
So we're at a crossroads, my friends. The fast food is gone severely cut back, the gym membership starts as soon as I can walk without a limp, and a little less stress might be helpful. I gotta get married in one year and 11 days, at least get ample years to screw up my kids (assisted by savagely genetic cholesterol, of course), and definitely be around long enough to say "told you so" to all you global warming nutjobs. With love.

That said, the first one of you who raises an eyebrow and says "Should you really be eating that?" will get a fist in the neck.

Oh, and does anybody have one of those little S-M-T-W-T-F-S boxy things? I'm in the market.

1 comment:

Dennis said...

Nice assortment! I'll check w/ Krista to see if she can score a cool pill box for you.