What you’re about to read is the result of months of close analysis. It involved an extremely difficult transition on my part, to take off my Atlanta Falcons "fan" cap and look at this year’s team as an impartial, clear-eyed football expert.
I had spreadsheets. Charts. At least 40 pages of hand-written notes for each position, including long-snapper. It was an exhausting exercise, but one that left me with, I believe, a keener insight into this team than ever before.
The Atlanta Falcons are not just "my team" now, but they are a living organism, a collection of men fused together for a common purpose. And I understand this, finally with a set of unbiased eyes. A clear viewpoint, buoyed by education and unharnessed by favoritism. I see this group for what it truly is.
The Atlanta Falcons will go 16-0 this year.
Now I realize this isn’t a popular opinion. People will scoff, or just assume I’m writing it to make you giggle. But no, it’s as clear to me as the fact you should refinance your car with State Farm Bank (great rates, free gap insurance, e-mail me for details!).
I’ve written an equation. A math equation. The roots of it were taught to me during my days as a statistics major minoring in football equations at the
It’s math, people. Recognize. When two plus two equals 47, the Falcons will hang one in the L column.
Ok, so true, I didn’t exactly support the Falcons drafting Matt Ryan. Or releasing Alge Crumpler. Or, I guess, signing Michael Turner to that huge contract a year before Knowshon Moreno declares for the pros (just bein' realz).
However, they kept D.J. Shockley and painted the Georgia Dome red and black, so owner Arthur Blank could declare a "Cynthia McKinney Appreciation Day" or insist that all fat dudes goes pantsless, and I’d be at the Georgia Dome eyes wide open, singing the Venezuelan national anthem and cuppin’ sweaty ballsack all the way to victory.
So yeah, in an example of perfect timing, mine biased orbs hath returned. Post-study, it is time to shun the coat of objectivity. I am back. And so are the picks.
Cincinnati (-1 1/2) @ Baltimore. The Ravens have done themselves no favors in my eyes over the past week, and I know they’re worried sick about it. First, they send my beloved former Bulldog Thomas Brown to the IR with a dirty preseason move, then they refuse to sign my beliked former Falcon Joey Harrington to a deal, then they can’t arrange for another season of "The Wire." Of course, the Bengals took their sole remaining teardrop of good will and dropped into a lake of rancid rat feces by resigning Chris Henry, a move which even pissed off their die-hard fans. Can al Qaida win this one? PICK:
Dallas (-5 1/2) @ Cleveland. I spent the offseason honestly scared the Falcons would make a trade for Browns QB Brady Quinn. I mean, I really expected to see a big headline every time I clicked on AJC.com. I think I even DID see that headline in a couple of fever-induced dreams around March. So Matt Ryan, I love you. Pick:
Carolina @ San Diego (-9). Reading Facebook status updates today has been a joy. No less than 20 friends have some kind of Sarah Palin-related comment, and it's clear Democrats are suddenly scared pooless about her but too afraid to admit it (much the way Republicans have been about Obama for the past few months). Want proof? Obama has been receiving donations (mostly change, har-har) hand-over-raised-fist today. Now I’m not voting for either major party, but watching this transparent hand-wringing has definitely been fun. Pick:
Arizona (-2 1/2) @ San Francisco.
Chicago @ Indianapolis (-9 1/2). In the football offseason, around February, I made my very first trip to
Minnesota @ Green Bay (-2 1/2). This is the game Brett Favre really wanted to pl – son of a cocknuts! I typed his name! That is one sneaky pill-snorting drunkard. Pick:
Denver (-3) @ Oakland. So yeah, I landed Tom Brady as my fantasy QB. Evil, but necessary. I’m not sure how I ended up with Oakland RB Darren McFadden on my team. The so-called experts claim running back is the most important position in fantasy football, but I’m out to prove them wrong. Well, I sorta have to, with McFadden and Michael Turner as my starters (my bigger names were Brady and Reggie Wayne, taken in the first two rounds). C’mon, McFadden – let’s see another Adrian Peterson, pretty please! Um - I mean, now. Now. Dammit. Yeah. Pick:
Oh, and I’m not keeping a fake wagering total this year. It’s strictly a wins-and-losses game. I’m all mathed out from the Falcons affair.