Friday, October 24, 2008

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Eight

The calm before the storm is rarely this exciting.

A week from now, I'll be packing my bags into The Fiancee's car, about to head down to Jacksonville for the 86th meeting of the Georgia Bulldogs and Florida Gators. I've made this trip every year since 1997, and while my overall record ain't hot, at least we're on a one-game winning streak. (By the way, any leads on tickets are much appreciated).

Let's not look ahead, though. Not only do I get to root against the Phillies in the World Series this weekend, but two of my teams' best games are upon us. Georgia @ LSU, 3:30 p.m. Saturday. Atlanta @ Philadelphia, 1 p.m. Sunday. And best of all, I'm not traveling to either one of them. I'm sleeping in, wearing pajama pants until noon, drinking cold beer without having to buy ice first, and not worrying about driving anywhere afterward. It's going to be relaxing, except for those six or so hours I referenced earlier.

And only on Monday will I begin to focus on the storm, ie. redneck Gator ass that needs a'beatin'.

The picks:

Tampa Bay @ Dallas (-2 1/2). I'm not making the trip to LSU this year, but I did have the pleasure of attending UGA's 1998 visit to Baton Rouge. My dad and I flew down to see the Dawgs upset the then 4th-ranked Tigers, leading everybody wearing red to anoint Quincy Carter as the next Heisman winner. Walking out of the stadium, as we were all doing the "It's great - to be - a Georgia Bulldog" thing, my dad and I were approached by an LSU coed. And she proceeded to verbally assault us with a stream of words that are unprintable here. And by "unprintable" - I mean, you know I'll print anything. Fuck, shit, bitch, cocksucker, Pelosi, asshole, whatever. But these words, man, I'm just not going to sully your eyes with. Well, as soon as she had finished making Richard Pryor blush, two guys appeared behind her, Lou Ferrigno-style hulking gentlemen dressed head-to-toe in purple. My dad and I were about to die, and probably wouldn't have been seen again until Katrina floated our corpses to the surface. They laid a hand on her shoulders, gave us frowns that actually seemed to flex, and one dropped his jaw. "Nah leeetle ladee, Tigurs win with prahde, an' we luuse with prahde. Good game, Booldaghs." Our hearts began pumping again about 10 minutes later. The lesson learned, of course, is LSU has a total of two decent fans. PICK: Tampa Bay

Washington (-7 1/2) @ Detroit. So I'm writing this on Thursday evening, as a story is breaking about a girl being mugged in Pittsburgh. Apparently, a black man took her money and then, after noticing a John McCain sticker on her car, scratched a "B" (for Barack) into her cheek. Well, I'll tell ya - when I was in college, a homosexual student was the victim of two hate crimes, specifically the burning of his dorm room door. The campus couldn't stop talking about it, and he became a symbol of the local gay community. A few days later, it was revealed that he had done it all himself, a disturbing move of the highest attention-whoring order. And that's the vibe I'm getting from this chick. The backward "B," the idea a knife-wielding assailant didn't even break skin - I'll bet you $100 it comes out that she made it all up. PICK: Detroit

Buffalo (-1) @ Miami. By the way, speaking of the UGA incident, a silly young idealistic columnist managed to react with outrage before the truth came out. What a hoser. Of course, I'd never mention his name here. That would be mean. PICK: Buffalo

San Diego (-3) @ New Orleans. Coming straight to you from jolly ol' London is a major American sports league's latest misguided attempt to foster international interest. Speaking as an actual NFL season ticket holder now, I would be pissed to lose a home game just so the Brits can mess our players' heads up with their fish and chips, Hugh Grants, long queues, quaint flats, outdated imperialist dogmas which perpetuate the economic and social differences in our society, shrimps on barbies, anime, apartheid, whatever the hell else, and - good Christ - soccer. Or whatever stupid word they have for it over there. There's gotta be a successful economic model at work here, but I'm not sure how it's worth irritating not only the players and coaches, but an entire fanbase as well (this is supposedly a "home game" for the Saints; do you really think they'd be a three-point dog in N.O.?). Hell, the focus of this game should be Drew Brees against his former team, not - look kids, Big Ben! Parliament! PICK: San Diego

St. Louis @ New England (-7). Speaking of London, this is pretty neat. And a bit creepy, considering every person seen there is long-gone. PICK: New England

Kansas City @ NY Jets (-14). "Saaaaaved by zeeeeero!" I'm not sure I've ever hated an ad more than Toyota's unavoidable new one. I get actively angry every time it comes on, which is just about twice per commercial break for any recent sporting event. During last night's World Series game, I clinched my fists and yelled "Are you FUCKING serious?" at about it's 15th airing. At one point, I actually blamed my TV for showing it. If it comes on and you're within 10 feet of me, do yourself a favor and make it about 20. How do you take an audibly offensive song by The Fixx and make it even worse? PICK: Kansas City

Arizona @ Carolina (-4). Oh, that's awesome. After I wrote that, I found this Facebook group. It's nice to know I'm not alone. PICK: Arizona

Atlanta @ Philadelphia (-9 1/2).
Mama like. So alright, Atlanta has played six games - and I've picked them six times. But considering they are 4-2 in real life, and 4-2 against the spread, who is looking like the smarty pants now? Wonders never cease, of course, and I am picking my Falcons again. I'm not necessarily saying Atlanta is a better team than Philly, but the Falcons' strength is the Eagle's weakness - the running game. Consider this knowledge officially dropped: With 163 rushing yards per game, Atlanta trails only the Giants. And compared to the team's gaudy rushing numbers of the recent past, these are without a mobile quarterback. Philadelphia, on the other hand, has given up 336 rushing yards in their last two games, allowing both Clinton Portis and Frank Gore to get above the 100-yard mark. Sunday's matchup, ever so obviously, hinges on Michael Turner, who has picked apart shaky run defenses so far this year. I can smell the 5-2 from here. PICK: Atlanta

Oakland @ Baltimore (-7).
I can't believe Pugfest is this weekend. Dammit! I can't give up the LSU or Philly games, but I've always wanted to go. Oh well Earl, maybe next year. PICK: Baltimore

Cleveland @ Jacksonville (-7). Congratulations, Lewis Diuguid - you are this week's Dumbest! Prick! Alive! Seriously, four years of this is just gonna be fantastic. PICK: Cleveland

NY Giants @ Pittsburgh (-3).
Oh crap, I almost forgot. You've read through this entire long thing, just waiting for me to update you on my fantasy football team. Shoulda done it earlier, sorry. Anyway, instead of me wasting anymore of these glorious words, just let me show you the current league standings:



Here's a hint: My team's name rhymes with "Mooster Billusion." I'll be continuing my quest for Undefeatednessization this week against the 1-6 Denver Omelettes. So if you don't hear a gunshot and a thump around Sunday at 9 p.m., you can assume I won. PICK: NY Giants

Cincinnati @ Houston (-9). And here, for the first time in history, I will string the following words together: "Pat Buchanan has a point." A few of 'em, actually. PICK: Houston

Seattle @ San Francisco (-5).
And now, Netflix Recap (otherwise known as, "A New Weekly Betcha Bottom Dollar Feature To Help Me Fill Up Space"): This week, I watched two DVDs - M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening and Tarsem's The Fall. It was a week for Indian filmmakers, I guess. As for The Happening, it was supremely silly, but not quite the train wreck I'd been led to believe. That said, the fall of Shyamalan is near tragic. I loved The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, and I actually think Signs is an unabashed, Spielberg-level classic. But ugh, Lady in the Water and, especially, The Village? I keep waiting for him to pick his game back up, but am losing hope after seeing him turn to "KILLER PLANTS!!!" The Fall, on the other hand, is a - well, I'm not sure exactly how to describe it. And since it took me about 10 sittings to get to the end credits, I can't say I adored it, but - well, I think I agree with Roger Ebert's statement: "You might want to see for no other reason than because it exists. There will never be another like it." Watch it on an HDTV if you have the means. PICK: San Francisco

Indianapolis @ Tennessee (-4). Seriously, though. Georgia-Florida tickets. Call me if you're holdin'. PICK: Indianapolis

Last week: 7-7
Overall: 48-51-3

3 comments:

Doug said...

Wow, you're really pissed that Obama is about to get elected, aren't you?

In the words of the Janitor from "Scrubs" -- "Good. I like that."

Carrie said...

OH my gosh! I know about that girl with the backwards B! I sent an email with the video to you and the group actually this am. You know she did that in a mirror and then realized it was backwards!

ACG said...

Dude, if you're going to carve a letter into your own face, at least go with "O". It's hard to mess that one up, even in a mirror.