Friday, October 03, 2008

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Five

Well, I've had some rough times since we last spoke. Things I've learned:

  • Alabama is pretty good this year.
  • Indian food is hella-good, but it lasts far longer than your stay at the restaurant.
  • Apparently it's the government's responsibility to define "fairness."
  • I ended my reign as Fantasy Baseball Champion despite knocking the bazoozoo out of the regular season.
  • A computer's hard drive isn't immortal, and you should back up all of your important documents.
  • Seriously, back that shit up. Fuck.

So yeah, my computer's hard drive died this week. Finito, mahn. And truthfully, I'm not sure of the total damage. I did some minor backing up a couple years ago, I think my business plan is on a disc somewhere, and my music is safely stored on my iPod. So I might be good.

But I'm too scared to check. And if my years of "artistic" self-portraits end up on the Internet, I'm gonna go jihad on the Pakistani dude who put the new drive in. Nice guy, though. Did good work.

So instead of facing life's real problems, let's get to the picks! Ignorance is catatonic bliss.

Indianapolis (-3) @ Houston. Peyton Manning and the Colts have looked god-awful this year, sitting now at 1-2. However, they should be rested and ready after a bye week, right? Especially against a winless Texas squad? Not so fast, my fiend. I just don't think Indy has it this year. On top of that, Houston is getting better - especially with the emergence of Steve Slaton (both on Houston and my fantasy team, Rooster Illusion). PICK: Houston

Tennessee (-3) @ Baltimore. Yeah, I probably picked Houston just because I need Slaton to have a big game this week. And that, my friends, is probably why I have a losing record so far this season. PICK: Baltimore

San Diego (-6 1/2) @ Miami. So of course I don't bet in real life - that would be wrong and illegal. But if I did, I definitely would have taken the under for San Diego last week. If the Chargers scored less than 27 1/2 points, I would win some money. Well, through three quarters, they had notched only a field goal. I mean, at that hypothetical point, I would have been counting the dollars. Just loving life. And then quarter number four rolls around. Take a look at the box score. That killed me. I mean, it would have killed me. If I gambled. In real life. PICK: San Diego

Kansas City @ Carolina (-9 1/2). Ask 100 guys who their least favorite NFL player is, and you'll hear the same names pretty frequently: Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Leonard Little (M.A.D.D. members only). Me? It's easy, and I don't pick a black guy like you would, you racist. It's Carolina quarterback Jake Delhomme. God, what a whiny bitch. A little spoiled child, who acts on the field just like he probably did playing tag when he was six. "No! Nooooo! Noooooooooooo!" "That's a penalty! A penalllllllllty!" "15 yards! 15 yaaaaaards!" I want to punch him in the face. With a grenade. PICK: Kansas City

Atlanta @ Green Bay (-7 1/2). Each week, I pretty much get into the same rhythm when it comes to this column. Once the spreads are out on Tuesday, I type them up and make the picks. Then I do absolutely nothing on Wednesday and Thursday. And then, on Friday around noon, I say to myself, "Dammit, son of a bitch, hell. I better write the column." My point is that on Tuesday, I typed "PICK: Green Bay" and was relieved I finally picked against the Falcons this season. I mean, the last thing I want to be known as is a homer. But then something funny happened - with each passing day, it became clearer and clearer Aaron Rodgers probably wouldn't play in the game, and he has two untested rookies as backups. So now things have changed. The Falcons don't just cover, they win. And they don't just win, they win by double digits. Hear it now, hear it loud ... PICK: Atlanta

Washington @ Philadelphia (-5 1/2). Seeing the Iron Man DVD in Target yesterday, I finally realized how far we are into 2008. I mean, this year's summer releases are already available to take home, so it's safe to say I'm not seeing any more 2007 releases for awhile. So with that in mind, here is The World's Final 2007 Top 10 List, sans commentary, because that would take too much time and you care even less than I do:

1) The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford
2) There Will Be Blood
3) Once
4) Michael Clayton
5) Eastern Promises
6) Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
7) The Host
8) The Kingdom
9) Zodiac
10) Superbad

Apologies to Sean Penn's superb Into the Wild - a close miss, but I had to honestly admit I'd watch Superbad 30 times before I ever got around to thinking about Wild again. I also hated to leave out the underappreciated We Own the Night. No Country For Old Men was very good, but I just didn't feel it as much as everybody else. PICK: Washington

Chicago (-3 1/2) @ Detroit. Oh yeah, I have a 10 Worst list as well. It's embarassing, though, because I honestly can't explain why I saw half of these in the first place. I think Fantastic Four and Ghost Rider were a sick-day double feature, so I probably had a serious fever. And I might have dreamed Norbit, come to think of it.

1) Spider-Man 3
2) I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
3) Norbit
4) Shoot 'Em Up
5) Planet Terror (yeah, half of Grindhouse - I split 'em up because I saw 'em separately)
6) Lions for Lambs
7) The Ex
8) Ghost Rider
9) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
10) Smokin' Aces

No, shockingly, Transformers did not make the list. That and In the Valley of Elah are barely in the shadows. PICK: Chicago

Seattle @ NY Giants (-7). Oh, and do you know what 2009 film is already on the Worst list, not likely to be removed? Speed Racer. Just saw it this week. I mean, a steaming turd that would only be more tolerable if you were tripping your balls off. What. The. Hell. PICK: NY Giants

Tampa Bay @ Denver (-3). I mentioned Indian food above. If you're in the Atlanta area, check out Cafe Bombay. The Fiancee and I discovered it on Thursday. Get the ultra-spicy lamb vindaloo. And a lot of water. PICK: Denver

New England (-3) @ San Francisco. An early nominee for "Weirdest Looking Spread Of the Year." PICK: New England

Buffalo @ Arizona (PICK).
The fantasy stakes are high this week - they're always a little bit higher when you're playing a friend. On Sunday, I match up with compadre-of-21-years Dave Akins, who had his 15 minutes of fame this week with an actual fatwa declaration. I'm jealous, but you knew that. While I'm not willing to actually murder him - yet - I'll do my best to demolish his fantasy hopes, and this is the game that could decide it. My quarterback: Buffalo's Trent Edwards. His quarterback: Arizona's Kurt Warner. Head-to-head, face-to-face, peen-to-peen. And since the Cardinals gave up six passing touchdowns to Brett Favre last week, I'm liking my chances. PICK: Buffalo

Cincinnati @ Dallas (-17). Sorry, 17 points is too much to give a team that just lost to Washington. PICK: Cincinnati

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville (-4). A 3-hour feast of overrated suck. PICK: Pittsburgh (but only because neither team will get to 4)

Minnesota @ New Orleans (-3). Monday night football! It's Peter(son) vs. Bush! ... Ugh, I tried too hard for that one, didn't I? Yeah, yeah I did. I get bored by the time I get to the end of these things. PICK: New Orleans

Last week: 5-8
Overall: 27-32-1 (never said I was any good at this)

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