Friday, October 10, 2008

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Six

Since betting on football has recently become the nation's safest financial investment, I'm expecting a lot more hits today than usual. So let's get to the important stuff.

The picks:

Oakland @ New Orleans (-7). I could say something here like, "What a wretched team," and then just leave you to figure out which one I was talking about. So, yeah, that sounds like a plan. What a wretched team. PICK: New Orleans

Baltimore @ Indianapolis (-4). I took my dog to get, I don't know, "groomed" last weekend. Is that the right word? It sounds a little too swishy to really grasp my intent. I basically needed somebody to give her an all-around washin', because I'm not the type to clean out ears, file nails, and clean around the pooper. A bath from me means her back and head are clean, and that's about it. So I thought, she deserves it, I'll drop $40 to get her feeling better and less itchy. No problem, but I wasn't ready to be asked this question: "Do you want her anal glands expressed?" I mean, how do you respond to that? Other options included a massage, an "oatmeal shampoo," bottled water, and a "real foo foo bow" - whatever the fuck that is. I opted for the general bath/feet/ears/butt program, but asked if the "deluxe spa treatment" (seriously) was popular. Her affirmative answer made me feel a lot better about the current state of the economy, because apparently people have way too much fucking money on their hands. PICK: Indianapolis

Cincinnati @ NY Jets (-6). The Fiancee's Honda Fit will roll out of Atlanta early tomorrow morning for a day of tailgatin', footballin', and watchin' coonskin cap-wearin' toothless hillbilly mountain folk diddle each other whilst hopped up on moonshine and rabies. I'm not sure which part I'm looking forward to the most. Probably the watchin' coonskin cap-wearin' toothless hillbilly mountain folk diddle each other while hopped up on moonshine and rabies part. Or maybe the tailgatin'. PICK: Cincinnati

Carolina @ Tampa Bay (-1 1/2). If the Saints hadn't completely shat the bed against the Vikings, there would be a decent chance all four NFC South teams would be 4-2 after this weekend. This is definitely one of those "can both teams lose?" games, but I guess I'd have to pull slightly for the Bucs. I'd love to see Atlanta at the top of the division on Monday morning. Alphabetical order and all that. PICK: Carolina

Detroit @ Minnesota (-13). The headline: "'South Park' vs. Lucas and Spielberg: Too far?" The answer, predictably: They didn't go far enough. I briefly let my feelings known about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull back in June, but as usual, Trey Parker and Matt Stone did me better. I don't put as much blame at the feet of Steven Spielberg as they do, though - comparing his work with and without George Lucas's involvement reveals Lucas to be the one who truly needs to be locked up. I picture them working on the script, with Lucas acting like Jake Delhomme after a perceived late hit. "Aliens, Steven! We need aaaaaalieeeeens! C'mon Steven, aaaaaalieeeens!" And after about seventeen years of that, Spielberg finally snaps and is like, "Ok, George. Fuck! Aliens, fine! Fuck! Jesus!" Harrison Ford, of course, is walking around the room the entire time like the Chinese kid in Boogie Nights, in his underwear throwing firecrackers. PICK: Minnesota

Chicago (-3) @ Atlanta. Yep, a homer pick again. The press has spent the last couple weeks making sure Kyle Orton's pubes stay drenched with their saliva, but I seem to be the only one realizing we're still talking about Kyle Orton. So why Chicago's status as road favorite? I can't really figure it out - the two teams' schedules are remarkably similar. Both have lost to Carolina and Tampa Bay. Both have beaten a disappointing preseason favorite on the road (Falcons @ Packers, Bears @ Colts). The only slight difference comes in each team's third win, the Bears winning a squeaker at home against the 2-3 Eagles, the Falcons demolishing the lesser Chiefs in the Georgia Dome. I just don't think the Bears are a field goal better than the Falcons, and Atlanta's first true loud, sellout crowd will send them into the bye week with a shocking (to you, not me) 4-2 record. PICK: Atlanta

Miami @ Houston (-3). Because I like to be a firm two years behind any pop culture movement, I have just started watching Showtime's "Dexter." I've actually flown through the first season and am a few episodes into the second at this point, and I'm beginning to get nervous. Not because the show is overly dramatic or its shock value gets to me - it's just that out of every character on television right now, I probably relate most closely to the serial killer on display here. Anyway, best to probably not overanalyze that right now - especially in a public place - but consider this a hearty recommendation. (And it takes place in Miami, so I'm staying on point here!). PICK: Miami

St. Louis @ Washington (-13 1/2). I strangled a cat last night just to see the life go out of its eyes. That's not weird, is it? PICK: Washington

Jacksonville @ Denver (-3 1/2). Fantasy football update, Because You Care: So for the second time this year, I lost my starting quarterback about two minutes into the game. Tom Brady first, Trent Edwards this time. And yet, I'm still 5-0, having just ran the F over ol' Mistakins. Michael Turner, Reggie Wayne, Jason Witten, Santana Moss, Steve Slaton, Patrick Willis, Lance Briggs - hell, I might start Matt Ryan this week against the Bears JUST BECAUSE I CAN. Can anybody point me to a league for next year that isn't headquartered at a Special Olympics safehouse? PICK: Denver

Philadelphia (-4 1/2) @ San Francisco. Opening today is a movie starring two of my favorite actors, Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe. It's directed by Ridley Scott, a guy who misses more than you think, but when he hits, he hits (Alien, Black Hawk Down). And it's firmly entrenched in one of my favorite genres - the political thriller. So can anybody explain why I have zero interest in seeing Body of Lies? If I found myself standing in front of a box office on Sunday night, it would be my fifth choice, behind movies starring Michael Cera and Shia LeBeouf. I don't understand it. This is destined to be one of those Netflix discs that sits on top of my TV for three months. PICK: Philadelphia

Dallas (-5) @ Arizona.
Tent City Trivia Code Word: "Taint." (This is a bit inside if you're not a Tent City regular, sorry.). PICK: Dallas

Green Bay @ Seattle (-2). There are no true "locks" in the NFL - more often than not, perceived locks turn into losses because Vegas is smarter than we are. But damn, I mean, the Packers are a l-l-l-lo-lo-loc-loc ... ugh, I can't do it. No locks in the NFL. But this one is close. (And no, I'm not sure how I said "loc" without pronouncing "lock" - it's a mystery of the written word, I guess.). PICK: Green Bay

New England @ San Diego (-5). Well, whaddaya know, right here is a lesson in "Vegas is smarter than we are." You look at this line, and what do you think? You think of Matt Cassel's long bomb to Randy Moss last week. You think of New England' s 3-1 record. You think of Evil Genius Belichick on the sidelines. You think of the Chargers standing at 2-3, with those wins coming against the lowly Jets and Raiders. You think of all those reports of LaDainian Tomlinson having a disappointing season. You think, my God, the Chargers aren't going to come close to covering this. You keep thinking that. PICK: San Diego

NY Giants (-7 1/2) @ Cleveland. Pardon the sudden intrusion across intersports lines, but GO RAYS. PICK: NY Giants

Last week: 7-5-2
Overall: 34-37-3

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