Friday, November 21, 2008

Betcha Bottom Dollar: Week Twelve

April, 2008

Translating this price into dollars and cents at the gas pump, one of our forecasters, the chairman of Houston-based Dune Energy, Alan Gaines, sees gas rising to $7-$8 a gallon. The other, a commodities tracker at Weiss Research in Jupiter, Fla., Sean Brodrick, projects a range of $8 to $10 a gallon.

November 2008

Just don't ask why I was at Ingles.

The lesson, of course, is that the most vocal alarmists are the last people you should trust. We're gonna be OK, folks. Relax.

The picks:

NY Jets @ Tennessee (-5 1/2). Unless we're talking beer pong, Kerry Collins doesn't equal undefeated. PICK: NY Jets

Houston @ Cleveland (-3). When my mom asks me next week what I'm thankful for, and I say "Steve Slaton," I don't think she's going to know who I'm talking about. PICK: Houston

Chicago (-8 1/2) @ St. Louis. Netflix recap: I didn't watch a damn thing, to tell the truth. Been catching up on this season of "The Shield" via pirated perfectly legal, oh look a puppy!, downloads in anticipation of next week's series finale. And damn, am I happy I chose to watch them all in a few sittings instead of week-to-week. I'm jittery enough as it is. (I love that my favorite character, Shane, was recently revealed to be a Georgia Bulldogs fan. It's an even better show now). PICK: Chicago

Buffalo (-3) @ Kansas City. "Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the 'Skip's Scramble,' an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble." PICK: Buffalo

New England @ Miami (-2). PICK: New England

San Francisco @ Dallas (-11). I've had to do a lot of writing this week. Not short stories, not screenplays, not even blog posts (obviously) - just the same damn correspondence over and over. "(Name) - Give me a call when you get a chance! I think we can save you money on this!" "(Name) - Give me a call when you get a chance! I think we can save you money on this!" "(Name) - Give me a call when you get a chance! I think we can save you money on this!" "(Name) - Give me a call when you get a chance! I think we can save you money on this!" I've written those words about 200 times in the past five days. It works as a sales tactic, though it's not terribly inspiring. So what do I do during these trying times? I play a game. While I'm writing, I set my brain to think one word over and over: "boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs." The point, of course, is to try to pen the entire letter without accidentally writing "I think we can save you boobs on this" or something similar. So far I think I've been successful, but I'm waiting to hear from a thoroughly confused and/or disgusted customer. PICK: San Francisco

Tampa Bay (-8 1/2) @ Detroit. If the Lions lose and the Titans win, their matchup on Thursday will be the first 0-11 vs. 11-0 matchup in NFL history. Just some trivia for ya'. PICK: Detroit

Philadelphia @ Baltimore (-1 1/2). When you fall in love, you soon realize there's little you won't do for your significant other. Go places you'd never go, spend money you'd never spend, skip things you'd never skip - did I mention go places you'd never go? I love you, baby. I really do. PICK: Philadelphia

Minnesota @ Jacksonville (-2 1/2). PICK: Jacksonville

Carolina @ Atlanta (-1). Tent City - my University of Georgia tailgating crew - will be movin' on up to the NFL this weekend for the first time. We're taking advantage of the new 4:15 kickoff, and setting up in the Georgia Dome parking lot (it isn't our first trip to the Dome, however, as we've celebrated SEC championships, a Chick Fil A bowl and even a Sugar Bowl there.). To say I'm more invested in the Falcons than the Bulldogs at this point is a Grady Jackson-sized understatement, and I assume my friends will all see a similar light by the end of the weekend. At the very least, the stadium's new red and black color scheme will have everybody feeling at home. PICK: Atlanta

Oakland @ Denver (-9 1/2).
The worst part about going to the game, of course, is missing the wonderful TV announcing. During last week's Atlanta-Denver game, I heard both of these things, no poetic license on my part: 1) "Jay Cutler really likes to squeeze it in tight holes." 2) "Jay Cutler loves to take his team from behind." Seriously. Word-for-word. PICK: Denver

Washington (-3 1/2) @ Seattle. About 9 p.m. last Sunday, my phone starts blowing up halfway through the Transsiberian Orchestra concert. A few texts, all to the tune of "DeAngelo!" I'm getting these messages, I guess, because he is a former Falcon, is a current Redskin (I have a sickening number of Washington fans as friends), and he's on my fantasy team. I'm sitting there in Philips Arena, thinking, "Great, defensive touchdown! I'm a genius for starting him!" No, he just intercepted the ball, and only added a couple measly tackles after that. I hate Redskins fans. PICK: Washington

NY Giants (-3) @ Arizona. PICK: NY Giants

Indianapolis @ San Diego (-3). As if couldn't get more annoying with its automatically starting videos, now it adds bandwidth-killing embedded "episodes" starring the one-trick-pony-and-that-pony-died-in-1996 Kenny Mayne. really has leapfrogged The Worldwide Leader in terms of overall web quality, no? PICK: Indianapolis

Green Bay @ New Orleans (-2 1/2). The game of the year! At least for my fantasy football team. I've continued my winning ways, marching to an 11-0 mark, unblemished as an airbrushed Playboy centerfold. However, longtime rival Doug Gillett fancies himself Joe Namath and has guaranteed he would defeat me this weekend. And if he has a chance, it will likely come down to this game - my quarterback (Aaron Rodgers) vs. his quarterback (Drew Brees). I like my chances. PICK: Green Bay (duh)

This week: 1-0
Last week: 9-7
Overall: 75-80-5


Carrie said...

Yikes, that Saints game didn't work out too well for you did it. Sowwee.

Josh M. said...

That's OK - thanks to Michael Turner's four touchdown game, last night's contest didn't matter. Still undefeated, oh yeah.