Thursday, March 27, 2008

Something on Jimmy Kimmel that doesn't involve fucking Matt Damon

I just saw this for the first time, and I actually have tears streaked down my cheeks.

No, it's not sad.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Major endorsement

Well, that's good enough for me!

Vote McCain!

A century past

Newsweek took a bold stance just 13 years ago: there's no real future for the Internet.

Yet Nicholas Negroponte, director of the MIT Media Lab, predicts that we'll soon buy books and newspapers straight over the Internet. Uh, sure.

Hilarious. And a little bit scary that the world has changed so much, so fast.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The final odyssey



Arthur C. Clarke, creator of 2001: A Space Odyssey - both one of my favorite books and one of my favorite films - has died at age 90.

To the benefit of all of us, he said goodbye in December.

Monday, March 17, 2008

UGA Confidential


Now that is one sexy-ass fan.

"Thank God we're not a basketball school. I couldn't take this every year."

That was my brother, with 90 seconds left in Georgia's epic journey through the 2008 SEC Tournament. And I couldn't agree more. That was rough. Football allows you rest, moments to let your mind wander. As there are so few basketball games I really care about, though, I just wasn't prepared.

We were at center court, 15 rows back, having put to use the old phrase "It's not what you know, it's who you know."

We knew Lu, frequent M.A.I. commenter, and employee of a certain media outlet covering the game. A late-night text message on Saturday had shamelessly begged for access to the not-open-to-the-public game, and 12 hours later my name was at Will Call.

The details of the UGA-Arkansas matchup have been well documented, but allow me to give you a peek into what undoubtedly will remain the weirdest sporting event of my life.

First, it was Georgia playing in the SEC Championship Game. Anybody who followed the 2008 Dawgs - and I admit, I did infrequently at best - knew that was strange enough. But consider these details, which would have been literally unbelievable without a lot of further explanation: it was only half-full, it was at Georgia Tech, it was not open to the general public. Surreal was a word tossed around by many.


This is during the SEC Championship Game, not 30 minutes before.

UGA president Michael Adams and athletic director Damon Evans sat 10 rows behind me, mixed in with the crowd. The lines for the bathroom at halftime were - well, there were no lines. What was supposed to be an assembly made up largely of players' families was awfully white.

Oh, and Georgia won. The most shocking development of all.

A few observations:
  • Before the game, I went into the bathroom to find Damon Evans washing his hands. Standing two feet behind him was a guy dressed head-to-toe in UGA garb, pleading on coach Dennis Felton's behalf. "I mean, come on, Damon. He deserves to be here next year after this run. This has been amazing, you can't fire him!" Evans kept washing his hands, mumbling responses like, "Yes, it has been exciting, mm-hmm," but the guy just kept going. Stuff like that reminds you why guys like Evans deserve the big paychecks.

  • Some of you are going to hate to hear this, but apparently the guy at Georgia's Will Call window was giving tickets out to anybody who asked for them. A coworker, whose name was on the list due to his dance team daughter, asked for four extra and got 'em no questions asked.

  • President Adams held one of his infant grandchildren most of the game, in a transparent attempt to avoid verbal assault. From my vantage point, it appeared to work.

  • The football team was unrepresented, as far as I could see.

  • The team stayed on the court almost an hour after the game, as they played the NCAA Selection Show on the big screen. The security guards kept the crowd in the stands, but it oddly felt like an intimate affair. Like I said, surreal.

  • I owe Lu big. Any insurance advice you need, man - 15% off.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Friday Random 10: Lost in New York

There's nothing random about today, my friends. I just don't trust the iPod Gods for some reason. I have an itchy feeling they'd give me an embarrassing Random 10 including the Terms of Endearment theme, Yanni's "Santorini," and a little Daughtry ...

Not that I have the Terms of Endearment theme, Yanni, or Daughtry on my iPod, of course. Not at all. Or Frank Stallone's "Peace in Our Life," the ballad from Rambo: First Blood Part II. Which is playing now. That's weird.

God, I love that song.

Anyway, no Random 10, just 10 separate observations, rants, meaningless riffs, etc.

1) The Atlanta Falcons re-signed quarterback Joey Harrington on Wednesday, about a week after cutting him. An AJC.com poll showed little support for the move, but you heard it here only: it's a smart one. Harrington - and I can't believe I'm saying this - gives you the best chance to win in '08. Not Chris Redman. Not a rookie. And, sadly, not DJ Shockley, who will probably not be fully recovered from his leg injury (though I really, really, really hope I'm wrong about that). Shore up the offensive line in the draft - JAKELONGJAKELONGJAKELONGJAKELONG - and this year at the Georgia Dome might not be a complete wasteland.

Seriously, though - Jake Long.

2) My nightmare scenario, by the way: Miami takes Matt Ryan, St. Louis takes Jake Long, nobody will trade up and we are forced to overpay for oft-injured Glenn Dorsey. And then both Joe Flacco and Chad Henne - the only other two potential franchise QBs in the draft - are gone by the time the Falcons pick in the second round. Your Atlanta Falcons starting QB in '09? Erik Ainge. Urgh. Now that I typed it out, it will most assuredly happen this way.

3) It's good practice once in a while to go into a movie knowing nothing about it. I popped We Own the Night in my DVD player this week, only informed it had something to do with cops and starred Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg. So no, I'm not going to be ruining anything for you - just sending along a strong recommendation. Fantastic freakin' movie. And apologies to the Bourne franchise, but this one has the most effective car chase scene I've experienced in years. You think you've seen it all as far as that kind of stuff goes, but then director James Gray stages one in the pouring rain, and keeps the camera in and around a single car, not letting us clearly see what's happening with the other two vehicles involved. Oh, fine, I know you don't care about the directorial decisions in the staging of an action setpiece. So yes, Eva Mendes shows her boobs. I can't believe I waste my breath on you children.

4) Spoiler-free comment about last night's "Lost" - I'm shocked to read this morning how surprised everybody was at both of last night's surprises. First, the identity of the "man on the boat" was obvious, even if you missed his name in the opening credits. Second, my buddy Lu and I had completely figured out the Jin/Sun thing about 15 minutes in, and have the text messages to prove it. Yes, I sent text messages to another guy about "Lost" while the episode was still on. You call is sad, I call it multi-tasking.

5) If I could talk to my 1997-era college self, I would say two things. First, self, don't wear shiny shirts. There's nothing good that can come from shiny shirts. Good lord, man. T-shirts and jeans, that's your thing. Nothing wrong with that. And second, start donating money to UGA athletics. Here it is 10 years after my graduation, and I've only now begun making the necessary donations to ensure decent football tickets over the next six decades. I started small at the end of '07 with a $200 "gift," and recently got my order form for 2008 tickets in the mail. And I had earned the right to buy TWO tickets! ... To the Central Michigan game only. So yeah, if you're looking to get The Fiancee and I early wedding gifts, UGA football tickets would be nice. Oh, and kitchen stuff. She wants that. But seriously, football tickets.

6) Just to piss y'all off.

7) Georgia governor Sonny Perdue thinks it's the government's responsibility to decide how much time we need to buy our alcohol. "Six days is plenty" of time for alcohol sales, he says. "We need a little relief on Sunday." Who needs relief? Perdue? He doesn't even drink. Is he that sensitive and overspent by alcohol being sold six days of his precious week? Oh, and if you seriously need relief from alcohol, DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL. It's called making a personal choice, but Mr. Perdue obviously thinks you are incapable of that, and the all-knowing government should make decisions for you. What a goddamn fucking shitdick cocksucker. If John McCain names that queef as his running mate, I'm writing in Captain fucking Morgan.



Yeah, I feel strongly about Sunday alcohol sales. But it's not because I'm dying for a drink on Sunday, it's because a politician has the balls to legislate based on his own religious views. And he's not threatening to veto actual Sunday sales, he's threatening to veto letting individual communities vote on the matter. What an arrogant fag. So get this straight: under his watch, if you want a drink on Sunday, you have to go to a bar, restaurant, or ballgame - in other words, places you have to drive home from. It makes perfect sense.

8) The only thing worse than a Georgia Republican is an Atlanta Democrat. Unbelievable incompetence.

9) "Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled." Hmmm ... I'm gonna vote yes on both counts.

10) I love Netflix's "instant watch" feature, especially when I'm supposed to be studying. It's basically a huge selection of TV and movies you can watch at any time on your computer screen. The choices aren't comprehensive by any means, but you can usually find something to check out. Sadly, I keep forgetting that my selections are also visible to anybody who is listed as a "friend" to my Netflix account. And thus, this kind of shit becomes public:

Friday, March 07, 2008

Friday Random 10: 2 the Streets

The backstory is far too dull to hash about here, so just believe me when I tell you I'm currently attempting to get registered as an securities dealer (see, there's absolutely no possible backstory about that you'd want to hear, right?).

The two big tests put in front of me were the Series 6 and the Series 63, details of which you can find elsewhere if you are bored and have already counted each hair on your arm, built a shrine to Daryl Hannah out of carrots and spit, and nailed you toes to your ass. Like, if you have nothing better to do.

They are difficult tests. People study for months, hours each day, only to find themselves on the ass end of a big fat FAIL. For the Series 6, because I am an intelligent, organized, responsible individual, I gave myself four days to learn the material.

I tackled it last week, and breezed. Had to get a 70, I got a 76 - suck on that, boyee. (The fact our government only requires folks handling millions of dollars to get a 70 is a topic for another day).

The Series 63 was Tuesday morning, and is generally thought to be the more difficult of the two. So I took it more seriously, and dedicated two days to studying.

Once again, you had to get a 70. It's 60 questions, so simple math tells you that you can miss 18 and still be golden. And I think you know where this is going.

I missed 19.

Once I got back to my car, I ran out of four letter words so fast I had to invent new ones. If you heard somebody screaming "Parf" and "klax" in the Peachtree-Dunwoody area on Tuesday around 10 a.m., it was probably me.

The good news is that I can't take it again for 30 days, so I'm free to resume normal blogging activities. And while, yes, I know I should probably take that time to study, I think both you and I know how well that would go.

The 10:

1) Tom Jones, "She's a Lady"
2) U2, "Love and Peace or Else"
3) Tom Petty, "I Won't Back Down"
4) U2, "Vertigo (Jacknife Lee 12" Instrumental)
5) James Horner, "Bishop's Countdown" (from Aliens)
6) Barry Manilow, "I Write the Songs"
7) Bruce Springsteen, "Lucky Town (Live)"
8) Flogging Molly, "The Wrong Company"
9) R.E.M., "Driver 8"
10) Prodigy, "Smack My Bitch Up"

THE MANilow and Prodigy in the same Random 10. Don't tell me I ain't a complicated dude.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Movie news!

Ghost II will begin production in, oh, about five weeks.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Caption this!



Or actually, better yet, don't.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Playing GM


Michael Turner, the Atlanta Falcons' latest addition to its 2009 Super Bowl-winning team

A couple weeks ago, I had a dream Arthur Blank hired me to be the general manager of the Atlanta Falcons.

Two points:

1) Yes, those are the kinds of dreams I have.

2) Yes, in the dream it didn't seem the least bit weird that Blank would choose a 32-year-old former teacher, current insurance salesman - because I am quite certain I would excel at the job if given the opportunity.

So reality sets in, and I'm not - sadly for the team and its fan(s) - in charge at Flowery Branch. But I can play the "what-if" game, and hope Blank eventually stumbles across this blog while surfing for lumber porn. I'm rested and ready, sir!

The Falcons just signed running back Michael Turner, which is an exceptional move (and one I would have done if GM, thank you very much). This obviously negates the need to draft Darren McFadden with the third pick of the draft, as Turner and Jerious Norwood make a hellagood running game.

So do they do the obvious thing, and take Boston College QB Matt Ryan with the pick?

I say NO. And I say it so fervently that the all-caps and bold font are actually required.

If I'm GM, here's what I do:

1) I write more lists, because apparently I love them.

2) I trade the third pick in the draft to the McFadden-coveting Cowboys, in exchange for their two first round picks (#22 and #28).

3) I trade DeAngelo Hall to the highest bidder, likely getting the Giants' first round pick (#31). The recent acquisition of CB Von Hutchins - a mainstay of my championship-winning fantasy team in '07 - makes this all the more possible.

4) We find ourselves with three first round picks, extremely valuable for a team with A LOT of needs. We use pick #22 on Delaware quarterback Joe Flacco, while pick #28 is slotted for the best available O-lineman, possibly Vanderbilt's Chris Williams or Pittsburgh's Jeff Otah. Pick #31 will be used on a position of extreme need, and the Falcons will take Georgia kicker Brandon Coutu.

5) Just kidding about that last part. Pick #31 should be used on a D-lineman.

6) This is all moot if, for some reason, St. Louis passes on tackle Jake Long at Pick #2. Long is taken instead of going forward with the Cowboys trade. (But I don't see St. Louis letting Long go by). Then we pray Flacco drops to 31.