Friday, December 11, 2009

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Fourteen

Nutshell, and all that.

Let's do it to it, shall we?

The picks:

Denver @ Indianapolis (-7). PICK: Denver

Cincinnati @ Minnesota (-6 1/2). The fantasy football season is drawing to a close, and I'm in the middle of a pack jostling for playoff position. If I win out, I'm in - and it's up to Carson Palmer to make that happen. I dropped Jay Cutler after weeks of him playing like hot ass, and my trade for Matt Ryan isn't exactly paying dividends. So it's Palmer, who despite his team's winning ways, has not lit up the stat board. So go Cincinnati, go Carson, and go Hachi Go. (I love that guy). PICK: Cincinnati

New Orleans (-10 1/2) @ Atlanta. Well, those season tickets were $1,000 well spent, huh? Not that I'm really complaining - I'll certainly do it again next year - but it's safe to say the season hasn't gone as swimmingly as I'd imagined. In fact, I decided I could use $170 more than a sure-to-be-long day at the Dome, so a nice North Carolinian will be occupying my seats on Sunday (thanks eBay!). I'll be back for the home finale against Buffalo, but probably only because that opponent won't command the same coin. PICK: New Orleans

NY Jets (-3) @ Tampa Bay. Typically, I'll wait for a TV show to hit its one-year birthday before I watch it. There's no point in starting from day one, because you can easily get burned by an early cancellation - I still feel the sting of 1989's "Nightingales," which was abruptly ended just after Samantha's daughter got kidnapped! No resolution! Three burning questions still haunt me: who nabbed little Megan, why was a 13-year-old me watching a nighttime soap about nurses, and how did I turn out heterosexual? Secondly, and almost as important, a year's worth of word-of-mouth can tell you if a show is worth jumping into. I mean, even if "According to Jim" is renewed, is it really something you want spend hours on? Anyway, this year I went against my moral code, and jumped in feet-first with two new shows: "Flashforward" and "V." And the scorching that soon followed wasn't because either faced cancellation (they don't), but because both sucked dick. Total godawful crap, the both of 'em. I made it through four torturous hours of the former, and only two of the latter. And thus, my former rule of "don't watch until after the first season" was reinforced ... PICK: NY Jets

Buffalo @ Kansas City (PICK).
... for about three weeks. Because we're not even at the midseason point, and I fell prey to the "Modern Family" hype. I've absorbed the first eight episodes over the past two nights, and am approaching addiction. So far, it's proving to have the highest laugh-out-loud-to-minutes ratio of any show since "Arrested Development" ("30 Rock" and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" are close behind). The show is about 95% perfection - they do need to tone down the Phil character; one Michael Scott is already too many - and I hear the chances of a rug-being-pulled-out cancellation is next to nothing. I'm onboard. PICK: Buffalo

Green Bay (-3) @ Chicago. PICK: Green Bay

Detroit @ Baltimore (-13 1/2). PICK: Detroit

Miami @ Jacksonville (-2). So a few weeks ago, my face broke out in a teenager-style rash, which didn't seem to go away after using every over-the-counter medication I could get my hands on. I hadn't changed soaps, shaving cream, shampoos, hair stuff, anything - so an allergic reaction was ruled out. Finally, I went to a dermatologist for the first time since I was 17, and she was stumped as well. But the prescription cream I got did the trick overnight, and my face was actually better than it had been previous. A couple times since, I've woken up with the same problem, and again, one night of medicine clears everything up. Well finally, on Monday, I figured it out. And I'm trying to cope with this, because it's sad. Hold on, give me a minute. PICK: Miami

Carolina @ New England (-13 1/2). I think - um, no, not ready yet. PICK: Carolina

Seattle @ Houston (-6 1/2). Whew, ok. Here goes. I think, I really think, I really really think, I might be allergic to liquor. Since I started drinking, the quickest way to diagnose my inebriation has been my face. Once over the legal limit, I've been known to turn beet red - which, of course, is the blood rushing to my face or some such thing. Well, after I had a few drinks at last Sunday's Falcons game, I woke up on Monday with the breakout in full effect. So I'm thinking my body is having a sudden, never-before-seen reaction to the redface problem (so yeah, it might not be a liquor allergy, but a reaction to what the liquor does; whatever, still sucks). Needless to say, this requires experimentation. Much like I diagnosed my lactose intolerance with a series of cereal with milk/cereal without milk/chocolate milk/ice cream/cheese tests over the course of a couple weeks, I'm settling this issue starting tonight. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since last weekend (no breakouts), but once safely in the confines of my own house tonight, I'm getting tanked on Beam. When I wake up tomorrow, my face will tell the tale. And I'll be sure to report. PICK: Houston

St. Louis @ Tennessee (-13). What can I say? I'm a scientist. PICK: St. Louis

Washington (-1) @ Oakland. A quick diversion to Serioustown, sorry. Here's an interesting story from Canada's Financial Post, arguing the rest of the world should adopt China's "one child only" policy. Now I don't agree with that - I'd never give any government the power to make that edict - but it does address what I believe to be the biggest problem we're facing (and one that is woefully unaddressed). Our population numbers are spiraling out of control, particularly with people who can't afford to take care of their children. There are ever-expanding families out there, completely dependent on taxpayers - and we only encourage it with additional benefits. You can trace all of our recent financial problems back to that one issue, but we're more concerned with vilifying the evil rich and throwing tea parties. Like I said, "one child only" is not a viable alternative, but read those numbers and you'll realize we need to come up with something. PICK: Washington

San Diego @ Dallas (-3). Should the Falcons pull off a miracle on Sunday, this game becomes a must-see. PICK: San Diego

Philadelphia @ NY Giants (-1). Should the Falcons pull off a miracle on Sunday, this game - ah, fuck it. PICK: NY Giants

Arizona (-3) @ San Francisco. PICK: Arizona

Last week: 6-10-0
Overall:101-91-1 (including last night's game)

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