Thursday, January 28, 2010

No slouch himself

Falling down a Wikipedia wormhole can bring you the most excellent information. Do you know who was the original "SuperFriends" narrator in the '70s?


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Aiding and A'Betting: Playoffs Week Three

Whoops, I leave town for two days and completely neglect posting the picks. The outcry was titanic.

The playoff picks:

NY Jets @ Indianapolis (-7 1/2). The Jets' chances are shakier than Michael J. Fox in Haiti. (Ok, so which part was more offensive? The too-soon earthquake joke, or the insensitive dig at the always-awesome Fox? Trying to hone my craft here.) PICK: NY Jets

Minnesota @ New Orleans (-4). Brett Favre has to be a special kind of bastard to have me rooting for New Orleans, aka The World’s Biggest Bathtub. As horrific as this game is from a cheering perspective, at least I can reflect on the last time Minnesota was in an NFC Championship Game. If anybody wants a 5-hour recap of that Atlanta Falcons victory, including what I was doing at the time, the precise ways my bodily fluids reacted to Morten Andersen’s game-winning kick, and maybe even some stuff you might consider T.M.I., give me a call. PICK: New Orleans

These picks can also be seen at Holly's Snarkastic throughout the weekend. I'm far too lazy to come up with fresh material for each website.

Regular season record: 128-125-3
Playoff record: 2-6
Overall: 130-131-3 (so I have to go 3-0 in the final three games for a winning season)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Aiding and A'Betting: Playoffs Week Two

If things go as expected, we're looking at a nightmare scenario next week: Dallas @ New Orleans in the NFC championship game. So either the Saints go to the Super Bowl, or Keith Brooking does. What the hell am I supposed to do then?

Hell, the other possibilities aren't much prettier. If the Vikings manage a winning streak, we're in for two weeks of "Brett Favre is back in the big game!" rod-gobbling. And the Cardinals, while the least offensive of the bunch, are certainly the most boring.

This blows.

The playoff picks:

Arizona @ New Orleans (-7).
What’s the one thing consistently lacking in Arizona? Water. And what is New Orleans’ primary weakness this century? YEP. So the Cardinals are obviously ill-prepared for their visit, and the Saints will march on to next week. However, they’d better hope it’s not the Land of 10,000 Lakes coming to town. PICK: New Orleans

Baltimore @ Indianapolis (-6 1/2). I was set to join Team Manning through the playoffs, until Jim Caldwell bent over and let Mark Sanchez play out his illicit prison fantasies. And not only was it an awful way to treat fans, it was stupid. As a long-time subscriber to Rest Your Players And You Will Lose Unless You Play The Cardinals: The Magazine, I see Ray Rice and Ed Reed bitch-slapping the Colts on opposite sides of the ball. The boos will be well-deserved. PICK: Baltimore

Dallas @ Minnesota (-2 1/2). When you actively campaign for a terrorist attack, somebody do-gooder lib’rul always whines, “But what about the innocent people?” Look closely, though: there will be NO INNOCENT PEOPLE in the Metrodome on Sunday. Not only are the Vikings and Cowboys players deserving of death, but my god, have you paid attention to their respective fans lately? And with Joe Buck calling the game? WIN-WIN-WIN. Does al Qaida have an official color? I need to know what to wear. PICK: Dallas

NY Jets @ San Diego (-7). Other television options, Sunday at 4:30: “Die Hard 2” (TBS), “Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal” (A&E), “Pit Bulls and Parolees” (Animal Planet), “UAB @ Central Florida Women’s Basketball” (ESPN2), “Carnie Wilson: Unstapled” (GSN). No, I’m not making any of those up, and they’ll certainly be more riveting than this monkey-stomp. Chargers go big, Jets go home. PICK: San Diego

These picks can also be seen at Holly's Snarkastic throughout the weekend. I'm far too lazy to come up with fresh material for each website.

Regular season record: 128-125-3
Playoff record: 1-3
Overall: 129-128-3 (CRAP)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Regular bat channel

We're back to normal ol' public consumption, with the blog open to everyone's eyes. The outcry was just too monumental and far-reaching.

Seriously, my mom was pissed.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Aiding and A'Betting: Playoffs Week One

Well, I ended the season with a bang: 5-10-1 in Week 17.

Final record for 2009: 128-125-3.

LET'S GET CRUNK! (or something)

Seriously, I'll take a winning record at this point. It has been awhile.

The playoff picks:

NY Jets @ Cincinnati (-2 1/2).
PICK: Cincinnati
Philadelphia @ Dallas (-3 1/2). PICK: Dallas
Baltimore @ New England (-3 1/2). PICK: New England
Green Bay @ Arizona (PICK). PICK: Green Bay

Oh, and yes, I'm aware Sylvester Stallone broke his neck on the set of The Expendables. But don't worry - he's just lucky to have three of 'em.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

2010: the year we make the playoffs

Well, the Falcons have been eliminated from the playoffs for a few weeks now - so let's turn attention to 2010. The schedule hasn't been generated, but we do know who we'll be playing home and away. (Spoiler: our away schedule is 100x better than it was in '09).

vs. Arizona Cardinals
vs. Baltimore Ravens
vs. Carolina Panthers
vs. Cincinnati Bengals
vs. Green Bay Packers
vs. New Orleans Saints
vs. San Francisco 49ers
vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

@ Carolina Panthers
@ Cleveland Browns
@ New Orleans Saints
@ Philadelphia Eagles
@ Pittsburgh Steelers
@ Seattle Seahawks
@ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
@ St. Louis Rams

The order of games, as well as the placement of the bye week, will be determined in a few months.