Friday, January 15, 2010

Aiding and A'Betting: Playoffs Week Two

If things go as expected, we're looking at a nightmare scenario next week: Dallas @ New Orleans in the NFC championship game. So either the Saints go to the Super Bowl, or Keith Brooking does. What the hell am I supposed to do then?

Hell, the other possibilities aren't much prettier. If the Vikings manage a winning streak, we're in for two weeks of "Brett Favre is back in the big game!" rod-gobbling. And the Cardinals, while the least offensive of the bunch, are certainly the most boring.

This blows.

The playoff picks:

Arizona @ New Orleans (-7).
What’s the one thing consistently lacking in Arizona? Water. And what is New Orleans’ primary weakness this century? YEP. So the Cardinals are obviously ill-prepared for their visit, and the Saints will march on to next week. However, they’d better hope it’s not the Land of 10,000 Lakes coming to town. PICK: New Orleans

Baltimore @ Indianapolis (-6 1/2). I was set to join Team Manning through the playoffs, until Jim Caldwell bent over and let Mark Sanchez play out his illicit prison fantasies. And not only was it an awful way to treat fans, it was stupid. As a long-time subscriber to Rest Your Players And You Will Lose Unless You Play The Cardinals: The Magazine, I see Ray Rice and Ed Reed bitch-slapping the Colts on opposite sides of the ball. The boos will be well-deserved. PICK: Baltimore

Dallas @ Minnesota (-2 1/2). When you actively campaign for a terrorist attack, somebody do-gooder lib’rul always whines, “But what about the innocent people?” Look closely, though: there will be NO INNOCENT PEOPLE in the Metrodome on Sunday. Not only are the Vikings and Cowboys players deserving of death, but my god, have you paid attention to their respective fans lately? And with Joe Buck calling the game? WIN-WIN-WIN. Does al Qaida have an official color? I need to know what to wear. PICK: Dallas

NY Jets @ San Diego (-7). Other television options, Sunday at 4:30: “Die Hard 2” (TBS), “Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal” (A&E), “Pit Bulls and Parolees” (Animal Planet), “UAB @ Central Florida Women’s Basketball” (ESPN2), “Carnie Wilson: Unstapled” (GSN). No, I’m not making any of those up, and they’ll certainly be more riveting than this monkey-stomp. Chargers go big, Jets go home. PICK: San Diego

These picks can also be seen at Holly's Snarkastic throughout the weekend. I'm far too lazy to come up with fresh material for each website.

Regular season record: 128-125-3
Playoff record: 1-3
Overall: 129-128-3 (CRAP)

1 comment:

Doug said...

I think you're selling the Jets-Chargers game way short -- it's worth it for the 30 seconds or so of aggregate screen time the Chargers cheerleaders will receive, and that easily beats any of the other options you listed.