Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Fast and Furious: Tokyo Draft


A perfect world. (All UGA players.)

Oh, the mock draft. My annual rite of self-flagellation.

Last year I ended up with three out of 32 correct, and hell, that kind of success deserves a parade. I hope to reach such lofty heights again in '10, but the likelihood of increased trade activity might render that impossible. So like Troy Glaus in that other awesome sport, I will look at 2-for-32 as a great success.

Anyway, on with the stupidity. In 2009, I paid less attention to college football than usual, so my familiarity with these guys isn't up to my typical glowing par. Thus, not much commentary - but it's not like you were looking for keen insight anyway. Just something you could recite to me in 2015, after Jimmy Clausen has won his third straight Super Bowl.

1) St. Louis Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma.
The Rams have to do this. Let me lay it out there: Bradford is the only star QB coming out of this draft. I think Colt McCoy will be decent, and Jake Locker could surprise as well - but only because if I were writing a screenplay about a plucky underdog QB overcoming the odds, I'd name him "Jake Locker." And he'd be played by Keanu Reeves. In 1993. Or Chris Evans today, because Chris Evans is awesome. That moment in the Losers trailer when he says, "Mama didn't raise no fool?" Hilarious EVERY TIME. But yeah, Bradford is a no-brainer. (Oh right, Jake Locker isn't until next year's draft. Remember that part about "I paid less attention to college football than usual?")

2) Detroit Lions - Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska.
If Atlanta still had a second round pick (it was sent to Kansas City for Tony Gonzalez last year), I'd be talking myself into some fantasy trade-up scenario with Suh as the target. That's alright, I'll be more than OK with Gonzalez - even though he has the world's most painfully boring Twitter feed.

3) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma.
You seem like an OK guy, Gerald. So it sucks I have to start wishing you dead as soon as this pick is made. No hard feelings.

4) Washington Redskins - Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma.
Yes, that makes three of the first four picks come from Sooner Nation. That's probably a record. (Look it up your damn self.)

5) Kansas City Chiefs - Eric Berry, S, Tennessee.

6) Seattle Seahawks - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State.

7) Cleveland Browns - Earl Thomas, S, Texas.

8) Oakland Raiders - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State.
Let's entertain the possibility Pittsburgh could be picking in this slot, after sending Mr. Rapistburger to the Raiders. It probably won't happen - but it would be pretty damn delicious.

9) Buffalo Bills - Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee.

10) Jacksonville Jaguars - Derrick Morgan, DE, Tickle Pile U.
No Tebow here, I'm afraid. And yeah, I'll save you the trouble - no Tebow in the first round at all. He'll go in the second, no doubt, and here's the kicker: it will eventually be viewed as a solid pick. Just not as one for a QB.

11) Denver Broncos - Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama.

12) Miami Dolphins - Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas.

13) San Francisco 49ers - Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa.
Since I've never even heard of this fucking guy, let me take a second to register a complaint with the NFL. Love you guys, you're the best, kisses - but you screwed with one of my favorite Saturday afternoons of the year. This prime-time NFL Draft is here to stay because the ratings will be absurd, but that doesn't make it right to squash one of the few valid excuses to sit on a barstool for nine straight hours. Bad form.

14) Seattle Seahawks - C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson.

15) New York Giants - Joe Haden, CB, Florida.

16) Tennessee Titans - Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan.
Graham is the most oft-discussed player when it comes to the Falcons, but short of a trade, he probably ain't calling Atlanta home.

17) San Francisco 49ers - Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers.

18) Pittsburgh Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida.

19) Atlanta Falcons - Everson Griffen, DE, USC.
Brandon Graham is off the board in this scenario; Maurkice Pouncey likewise. It seems Falcons Nation is behind Sean Weatherspoon, but team brass might not be: increasingly loud reports peg Weatherspoon as a total asshole, and Atlanta is sensitive to that kind of thing. So flying blind here, I'm going against the tide a little bit. Pass rush is the biggest weakness, and has to be the target. (I'd slot Jason Pierre-Paul here, but I don't think Atlanta worked him out. They did see Griffen.)

20) Houston Texans - Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State.

21) Cincinnati Bengals - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State.

22) New England Patriots - Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma.

23) Green Bay Packers - Mike Iupati, G, Idaho.

24) Philadelphia Eagles - Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama.
Jackson wins the 2010 Award for "Player I'd Be Most Shocked To Find Out Is White." Google search commencing ... nope, he isn't.

25) Baltimore Ravens - Rob Gronkowski, TE, Arizona.
Oh look, it's the 2010 "Player I'd Be Most Shocked To Find Out Is Black." Nope, he isn't.

26) Arizona Cardinals - Demaryius Thomas, WR, Dungeons and Dragons A&M.

27) Dallas Cowboys - Taylor Mays, S, USC.
The player I'd be most shocked to find out isn't a female pop singer.

28) San Diego Chargers - Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers.
Heh-heh, sorry, I'm still giggling about "Tokyo Draft." Get it? Tokyo Draft. (Alright, let's see you bastards come up with a different draft-related pun every single year. Crap, I already repeated myself, didn't I?)

29) New York Jets - Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida.

30) Minnesota Vikings - Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame.
Another prediction: before the end of October, TMZ will break the story of Jimmy Clausen's life-long struggle with Downs Syndrome. The condition will become public when opposing fans learn they can distract him by mimicking an ice cream truck. (Seriously, he's going to be horrible. Just horrible. Which is why I'm praying he goes to the Vikings.)

31) Indianapolis Colts - Charles Brown, OT, USC.

32) New Orleans - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri.
(I'd write something like, of course, this alleged a-hole would end up with all the other a-holes in New Orleans, followed by some crack about Katrina, followed by some crass comment about Jeremy Shockey's burro-related sexual preference - but there's a good chance Weatherspoon ends up a Falcon. So let's hold off.)

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