Martians Attacking Indianapolis

Oddly enough, this was taken in a QuikTrip parking lot while he was filling up his '97 Civic. Dude wears his jersey everywhere.

Wait, hold on...

There. That's better.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Four

2010-10-02T13:58:00.000-04:00

It was bad planning by way of epic ignorance.

Due to some last minute generosity, I found myself in St. Augustine last Sunday. One of my too-few wealthy relatives offered their beach house for the weekend, so we took advantage of one last summer-like getaway. They have a satellite dish, so I was assured all games on Saturday and Sunday could be consumed, with a beautiful Atlantic Ocean view for added pleasure.

College football was on the flatscreen all day Saturday, and we could have watched the Georgia-Mississippi State game if only it hadn't been cancelled at the last minute, never played, and never to be talked about again. The gulls announced NFL action early Sunday, and while the female half of my roadtrip enjoyed beach time, I settled in to watch - Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay. And that was it.

My assurances of "a dish" were in fact true, but my uncle hadn't realized the difference between having cable and purchasing an NFL subscription. And the ignorance was my own, having not thought to check on this before 12:57 p.m. So I was stuck flipping between a Pittsburgh domination, and the Red Zone Channel, which also seemed to air the entire first half of Steelers-Bucs.

The occasional updates of Falcons-Saints, by Red Zone and phone, weren't cutting it, and rushed packing had us ready to leave by the second half kickoff. We ended up watching the last quarter and overtime in a seedy, I-10 dive called "Applebee's." The locals, focused on their Bucs and Jags, Bud and Jack, dramatically bristled at every scream from our table - and there were plenty of 'em. When Garrett Hartley shanked the overtime field goal, I'm pretty sure our noise level shattered a nearby Tim Tebow stained glass window, and I was briefly afraid of getting a "proper north Florida greetin'." Which, to my understanding, involves meth, tattoos, and being tied to a tree.

Alas, we escaped Florida with our lives, a win, and having seen the game's most important moments. And since I'll actually be in Arizona for December's Falcons-Saints rematch, I'll chalk this up as a lesson to be more prepared next time.

The picks:

San Francisco @ Atlanta (-6 1/2). I'm excited to walk into the Georgia Dome on Sunday. The opening Cardinals home game was great, but the empty seats kept electricity from reaching a maximum. The Saints win, however, should kick things up, even if the opponent is as "boring" as the 49ers. Yeah, that's the word I heard this week: "boring." I can't really argue, but it sounds bizarre to anyone who's followed the NFL for more than 10 years. I remember being at a Falcons-49ers Monday night game in the early '90s; huge stars on the field, and even some on the sidelines (MC Hammer and Danny Glover, which was a big deal at the time). A rock concert atmosphere, to be sure. Anyway, it seems the words "trap game" have been said by every Atlanta player this week, so I don't think that'll be a problem. Roll Falcons roll. PICK: Atlanta

Denver @ Tennessee (-6 1/2). Tennesnore hosts a Knowshon-less Broncos squad, and his absence effectively sucks any personal interest out of this matchup. This is one of those "I'll watch this if one of my fantasy players is on the field" games, and there's no such luck for me. PICK: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-1 1/2). Walking out of Heinz Field a few weeks ago, I made a crack to my host: "We'll see you in Dallas." Honestly, I was kidding - but only because neither team looked like a Super Bowl contender that day. Now I've read mentions of this exact scenario in no fewer than three different places - and I'm just dumb enough to get legitimately excited about it in early October. PICK: Pittsburgh

Cincinnati (-3) @ Cleveland. Since the game is oh-so-creatively nicknamed The Ohio Bowl, I can only assume the stadium smells like raw diaper and back sweat. Interesting side note for Georgians, though: on Twitter, Chad Ochocinco said he'll spend $100K on parties for Atlanta fans while in town for the Falcons-Bengals game. I'm doubting the venues will be any of my regular haunts (Jason's Deli, El Pollo Loco, my house), but nonetheless, Ochocinco promises to "bring back memories of Big Meech." I have NO IDEA what that means. PICK: Cincinnati

Detroit @ Green Bay (-14). It sucks when one injury takes the bloom off an entire game. Seeing Matthew Stafford react to a Lambeau field crowd would be something, but seeing Shaun Hill do the same doesn't cut it. PICK: Detroit

Carolina @ New Orleans (-13 1/2). The schedule doesn't get much easier for a wretched Panthers team. It's 0-4 after Sunday, and Chicago comes to Charlotte next week. There are two possibly winnable games against San Francisco and at St. Louis, but then the Saints come marching in. By the time Atlanta finally faces Carolina for the first time in Week 14, John Abraham will be able to sack Jimmy Clausen with an eyebrow twitch. PICK: New Orleans

Seattle (-1) @ St. Louis. Just for fun, I swung over to NFL Ticket Exchange to see what scalpers were asking for this one. I hit "Buy Tickets" and got a pop-up window that said, "Seriously?" (For real, you can get lower level, 50-yard-line seats for $100 - $10 less than Sunday's cheapest nose-bleed Heinz Field ticket.) PICK: St. Louis

NY Jets (-5) @ Buffalo. PICK: NY Jets

Indianapolis (-7) @ Jacksonville. PICK: Indianapolis

Houston (-3) @ Oakland. Ok, so poll time: does anybody actually like 3-D? Yeah, this doesn't have anything to do with football, but you're going to get that sometimes when the game is this flaccid. So again, the question: does anybody like 3-D, when prices are inflated, you have to wear dumb glasses, the picture isn't as sharp, you run the chance of headaches, and the entire movie experience suffers because of a stupid gimmick? Now, I'm going to keep my opinion to myself as to not sway your vote. Just let me know what you think. PICK: Houston

Arizona @ San Diego (-8). That said, I think Jackass 3-D is an amazing idea, probably the only movie I'll ever again pay for in that format. PICK: Arizona

Washington @ Philadelphia (-6). Every other NFL feature this week has had something to do with this game, whether its Donovan McNabb's return to Philly, Michael Vick's amazing success, or some combination of the two. I'm not sure the nation is nearly as interested as the media, though. It just seems forced, because for all the press, McNabb was never really embraced as a big-time star, even by his own city at times. And I'm not sure a lot of people have really worked out their feelings toward Vick yet. I know I'm on the fence. My loathing for the Eagles is quite high, as is my disgust with Vick's crimes - but man, when he takes off on a run, my fandom reverts to 2004 quite easily. It feels icky to root for him, especially in that uniform - but it's hard not to do. The NFL shouldn't feel like such a morality struggle, and I can't be the only one shuffling away from Eagles games for that reason. PICK: Washington

Chicago @ NY Giants (-4). Some of the week's best reading has come courtesy of so-called NFL Power Rankings, which every sports website seems to do (and admittedly, I eat up like they were made of mustard and fried dead things). Chicago, despite its 3-0 record, isn't listed at the top of any of 'em, and Bears fans - if you haven't heard, a particularly passionate and oft delusional bunch - have been pooping out kittens for days now. "How dare people not anoint the 3-0 Bears #1, in light of their not-at-all fluky wins and ascension of Jay Cutler to the NFL elite? No, ignore the 29th-ranked rushing offense and 28th-ranked pass defense - those are the flukes! We're number one!" (I'm assuming the same thing always happens on South Carolina Gamecocks message boards, but life is too short to check.) PICK: Chicago

New England (-1) @ Miami. I'm too lazy to look up actual statistics, but this line seems to be bucking history. The Dolphins always seem to upset the Patriots in big games (ie. Monday night), so I'm not getting the New England love at all - especially since they've yet to look like a powerhouse. Chad Henne could venture into "household name" status with a big game here, and I'm thinking he'll deliver. PICK: Miami

Last week: 9-7-0
Overall: 27-17-4

Still burning

2010-09-28T23:39:00.002-04:00

I miss movie theme songs. Really, what was the last movie that had a real theme song? Titanic?

God, I wanted to be Rob Lowe in 1985. I even played the saxaphone in my elementary school band, just because of this movie.

For the record, I want to be Rob Lowe in 2010.

Aiding And A'Betting: Week Three NFL Picks

2010-09-25T10:09:00.001-04:00

Week Three's NFL picks are up over at SB Nation. And ya best listen good.

Last week: 11-4-1
Overall: 18-10-4

Fox Digs Deep Into Stock Footage, Showing Pre-2007 Georgia Dome - SB Nation Atlanta

2010-09-19T23:08:00.000-04:00

Fox Digs Deep Into Stock Footage, Showing Pre-2007 Georgia Dome - SB Nation Atlanta

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Two

2010-09-15T23:09:00.015-04:00

Due to its unfathomable popularity, Aiding and A'Betting has now become part of the SB Nation community. You can find Week Two here, and I'll continue to post links all season.

BRANCHING OUT!

Aiding and A'Betting: Week One

2010-09-08T23:28:00.010-04:00

"Bitch, I ain't playin'."

Let’s enjoy this one, kiddies. With another labor squabble on the horizon, this may be the last “NFL opening weekend” we see anytime soon.

Fear not, though: for the next 17 weeks, I will guide you to a truly winning season, one that ends with a celebratory, fists-full-of-cash dance in front of your crestfallen bookie. You actually have my assurances of a massive profit if you follow my lead.

Assuming, of course, you know the 50% of picks I’m right on, and the 50% I’m just kidding about. Pay close attention.

Thursday

Minnesota @ New Orleans (-5). Yeah, you have your point spreads, over/unders, parlays, teasers, etc. I’d like to bet on the announcers, though. “Which phrase will be said more during the telecast? ‘Favre is playing like a kid out there’ or ‘Five years since Hurricane Katrina’?” Can we tease the Katrina pick with the over of “shots of the Ninth Ward scored by a softly played piano?” PICK: New Orleans

Sunday

Carolina @ NY Giants (-7). As a Falcons fan, I must pull against division rival Carolina. As a cognizant human, I must pull against Eli Manning. Decisions. PICK: Carolina

Miami (-3) @ Buffalo. These games always bug me. No, not the total, absolute boredom of Miami playing Buffalo. It’s the endless “can a team from a warm city win in a cold environment” debate. I’ve already heard that in reference to this game, and let me point out two things. 1) Buffalo’s high on Sunday is expected to be 69 degrees. I’m thinking the Dolphins can handle the frigidity. 2) The argument assumes everybody plays for their hometown. Chad Henne is from Pennsylvania, as is first round pick Jared Odrick. Jake Long is from Michigan. They can handle it. PICK: Miami

Atlanta (-2 1/2) @ Pittsburgh. Let something be known right now. I am Falcons Superfan #1, and there is absolutely no way I’d pick against them in this game. I’ll be at Heinz Field on Sunday (my first NFL road game) and I’m not going to jinx it with bad ju-ju a few days prior. And look for me on TV – I’ll be the guy, the one guy, in a Falcons D.J. Shockley jersey. PICK: Atlanta

Detroit @ Chicago (-6 1/2). Former SEC quarterbacks face off in what actually might be a damn good game – and when was the last time we expected that from Detroit? And am I the only one who likes Matthew Stafford more as a Lion than as a Bulldog? He just seems more at home in the pros. PICK: Detroit

Cincinnati @ New England (-4 1/2). Ah, dammit. When crafting my award-winning fantasy football team each year, I have one rule: don’t pick anybody you want to root against. That means no Saints, not ever, no way. And it typically means I have to stay away from dreaded New England – but I froze. I needed a quarterback, and the top shelf was already off the board. Do I take Brady over the screams of my Boston prejudice, or risk going through the season with Jay Cutler or – ick – Tony Romo? Pardon me while I hold my nose all the way to another title. PICK: Cincinnati (smells like a 3-pointer)

Cleveland @ Tampa Bay (-3). Oh, Cleveland – the hits just keep on comin’. God’s latest bitch slap is RB Montario Hardesty taking his talents to Injured Reserve. Of course, let’s not pretend a Super Bowl run was just thwarted. I mean, not only is Jake Delhomme Cleveland’s starting QB, but looking at the current depth chart, Jake Delhomme should be Cleveland’s starting QB. Ouch. PICK: Tampa Bay

Denver @ Jacksonville (-2 1/2). Well, it was long assumed The Tebow Era would begin in Jacksonville, but most assumed it’d be in a Jags uniform. Instead, the most hyped second stringer since George Lazenby will be wearing the orange and blue (hey, just noticed that!) of the Broncos. And hopefully getting the Jesus-loving snot beaten out of him. PICK: Jacksonville

Indianapolis (-2 1/2) @ Houston. Wait, did I just say Tebow’s snot loves Jesus? Is that a sin? I mean, a clearly marked sin I have to worry about? I’m arguing that one if it comes up at Judgment. PICK: Indianapolis

Oakland @ Tennessee (-6). Hey, did I mention I’m going to the Falcons-Steelers game? And sitting in free club seats? Did I? Huh? (Sorry, I can’t find a single damn interesting thing to say about this game.) PICK: Oakland

Green Bay (-3) @ Philadelphia. On paper, probably the best game of Week One – but before throwing Philly any parades, let’s see if Kevin Kolb can step out of his former first stringer’s large shadow and become the next, well, Aaron Rodgers. PICK: Green Bay

San Francisco (-3) @ Seattle. Pete Carroll returns to the NFL, just skirting the USC penalties with amazing and oh-so-coincidental timing. I consider his just punishment having to, you know, coach the Seahawks. Fun fact: Matt Hasselbeck turned 67 this year (yeah, suck on that age joke, guy who is five months older than me!). PICK: San Francisco

Arizona (-4) @ St. Louis. “I’m betting on Derek Anderson in a road game.” Seriously, doesn’t that sound like a really stupid thing to say? Sure, he’s up against a bad team – but a bad team with (my little ol’ opinion) the best pure runner in football, and a rookie QB who’s looked damn ready in the preseason. I’m not expecting big things from the Rams this year. I’m just expecting really, really small ones from the Cardinals. PICK: St. Louis

Dallas (-3 1/2) @ Washington. One thing ya need to learn, fast for realz: I'm am not a believer in the Cult of Romo. I think the Cowboys are only slightly better off at QB than in the Quincy Carter days. He's not, not, not a Super Bowl winner. File this for a "told you so" one day, but it. Will. Never. Happen. PICK: Washington

Monday

Baltimore @ NY Jets (-2 1/2). The Monday night double-header kicks off with the only one you want to watch. Watch with clipped breath as the defense outscores the offense, and then get to bed ... PICK: Baltimore

San Diego (-4 1/2) @ Kansas City. ... because this one is going to be a snooze-fest. Unless, of course, the Chiefs are smart enough to unveil their new eight-headed monster: DEX-TAH MCCLUS-TAH. Sadly, reports suggest McCluster may not be the focal point of every single Kansas City play on both sides of the ball, and that’s just damned disappointing. PICK: Kansas City

A new dawn

2010-09-08T13:34:00.005-04:00

Ok, the vacation is over.

As I've basked in the summer sun, amidst the bikinis and beer, I've been a bad, bad blogfather. My last post was in July - and hell, my last post that took over 10 seconds was in April.

However, this will be changing, as I've taken a couple of writing gigs and will be reposting that work here (as seen below). Also, FOOTBALLDAMMIT. I'm not going to take away my award-winning picks column from its legion of reader(s).

Allow me some mediocrity as I shake the rust off, but Martians Attacking Indianapolis will once again be awash in a river of stupidity.

Could Derrek Lee Keep Atlanta Out Of The Playoffs? - FairWeather Report - SB Nation Atlanta

2010-09-08T13:34:00.000-04:00

Could Derrek Lee Keep Atlanta Out Of The Playoffs? - FairWeather Report - SB Nation Atlanta

The path of the righteous man

2010-07-23T18:25:00.003-04:00

BONER

2010-07-14T01:01:00.008-04:00

No. Seriously.

The best thing about this trailer - the best one by far for this film - is it's obviously not official. Some fan out there might actually want to see this as much as I do.

Although considering I don't understand any of that shit at the beginning (noob tubing, G.N.O., taping 40s), that fan is much younger than I.

And now a word from our sponsor

2010-07-07T18:28:00.001-04:00

Courtesy of DAve.

Murdered by apathy

2010-06-13T18:16:00.001-04:00

Martians Attacking Indianapolis has (obviously) been on the personal backburner, but it's just a hiatus. We'll be operational again shortly.

Thanks to the thousands of kind e-mails expressing anguish.

Impeccable timing

2010-05-16T10:48:00.004-04:00

Thanks to Yahoo for the well-placed spoiler alert.

Fast and Furious: Tokyo Draft

2010-04-21T12:00:00.008-04:00

A perfect world. (All UGA players.)

Oh, the mock draft. My annual rite of self-flagellation.

Last year I ended up with three out of 32 correct, and hell, that kind of success deserves a parade. I hope to reach such lofty heights again in '10, but the likelihood of increased trade activity might render that impossible. So like Troy Glaus in that other awesome sport, I will look at 2-for-32 as a great success.

Anyway, on with the stupidity. In 2009, I paid less attention to college football than usual, so my familiarity with these guys isn't up to my typical glowing par. Thus, not much commentary - but it's not like you were looking for keen insight anyway. Just something you could recite to me in 2015, after Jimmy Clausen has won his third straight Super Bowl.

1) St. Louis Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma.
The Rams have to do this. Let me lay it out there: Bradford is the only star QB coming out of this draft. I think Colt McCoy will be decent, and Jake Locker could surprise as well - but only because if I were writing a screenplay about a plucky underdog QB overcoming the odds, I'd name him "Jake Locker." And he'd be played by Keanu Reeves. In 1993. Or Chris Evans today, because Chris Evans is awesome. That moment in the Losers trailer when he says, "Mama didn't raise no fool?" Hilarious EVERY TIME. But yeah, Bradford is a no-brainer. (Oh right, Jake Locker isn't until next year's draft. Remember that part about "I paid less attention to college football than usual?")

2) Detroit Lions - Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska.
If Atlanta still had a second round pick (it was sent to Kansas City for Tony Gonzalez last year), I'd be talking myself into some fantasy trade-up scenario with Suh as the target. That's alright, I'll be more than OK with Gonzalez - even though he has the world's most painfully boring Twitter feed.

3) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma.
You seem like an OK guy, Gerald. So it sucks I have to start wishing you dead as soon as this pick is made. No hard feelings.

4) Washington Redskins - Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma.
Yes, that makes three of the first four picks come from Sooner Nation. That's probably a record. (Look it up your damn self.)

5) Kansas City Chiefs - Eric Berry, S, Tennessee.

6) Seattle Seahawks - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State.

7) Cleveland Browns - Earl Thomas, S, Texas.

8) Oakland Raiders - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State.
Let's entertain the possibility Pittsburgh could be picking in this slot, after sending Mr. Rapistburger to the Raiders. It probably won't happen - but it would be pretty damn delicious.

9) Buffalo Bills - Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee.

10) Jacksonville Jaguars - Derrick Morgan, DE, Tickle Pile U.
No Tebow here, I'm afraid. And yeah, I'll save you the trouble - no Tebow in the first round at all. He'll go in the second, no doubt, and here's the kicker: it will eventually be viewed as a solid pick. Just not as one for a QB.

11) Denver Broncos - Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama.

12) Miami Dolphins - Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas.

13) San Francisco 49ers - Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa.
Since I've never even heard of this fucking guy, let me take a second to register a complaint with the NFL. Love you guys, you're the best, kisses - but you screwed with one of my favorite Saturday afternoons of the year. This prime-time NFL Draft is here to stay because the ratings will be absurd, but that doesn't make it right to squash one of the few valid excuses to sit on a barstool for nine straight hours. Bad form.

14) Seattle Seahawks - C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson.

15) New York Giants - Joe Haden, CB, Florida.

16) Tennessee Titans - Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan.
Graham is the most oft-discussed player when it comes to the Falcons, but short of a trade, he probably ain't calling Atlanta home.

17) San Francisco 49ers - Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers.

18) Pittsburgh Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida.

19) Atlanta Falcons - Everson Griffen, DE, USC.
Brandon Graham is off the board in this scenario; Maurkice Pouncey likewise. It seems Falcons Nation is behind Sean Weatherspoon, but team brass might not be: increasingly loud reports peg Weatherspoon as a total asshole, and Atlanta is sensitive to that kind of thing. So flying blind here, I'm going against the tide a little bit. Pass rush is the biggest weakness, and has to be the target. (I'd slot Jason Pierre-Paul here, but I don't think Atlanta worked him out. They did see Griffen.)

20) Houston Texans - Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State.

21) Cincinnati Bengals - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State.

22) New England Patriots - Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma.

23) Green Bay Packers - Mike Iupati, G, Idaho.

24) Philadelphia Eagles - Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama.
Jackson wins the 2010 Award for "Player I'd Be Most Shocked To Find Out Is White." Google search commencing ... nope, he isn't.

25) Baltimore Ravens - Rob Gronkowski, TE, Arizona.
Oh look, it's the 2010 "Player I'd Be Most Shocked To Find Out Is Black." Nope, he isn't.

26) Arizona Cardinals - Demaryius Thomas, WR, Dungeons and Dragons A&M.

27) Dallas Cowboys - Taylor Mays, S, USC.
The player I'd be most shocked to find out isn't a female pop singer.

28) San Diego Chargers - Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers.
Heh-heh, sorry, I'm still giggling about "Tokyo Draft." Get it? Tokyo Draft. (Alright, let's see you bastards come up with a different draft-related pun every single year. Crap, I already repeated myself, didn't I?)

29) New York Jets - Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida.

30) Minnesota Vikings - Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame.
Another prediction: before the end of October, TMZ will break the story of Jimmy Clausen's life-long struggle with Downs Syndrome. The condition will become public when opposing fans learn they can distract him by mimicking an ice cream truck. (Seriously, he's going to be horrible. Just horrible. Which is why I'm praying he goes to the Vikings.)

31) Indianapolis Colts - Charles Brown, OT, USC.

32) New Orleans - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri.
(I'd write something like, of course, this alleged a-hole would end up with all the other a-holes in New Orleans, followed by some crack about Katrina, followed by some crass comment about Jeremy Shockey's burro-related sexual preference - but there's a good chance Weatherspoon ends up a Falcon. So let's hold off.)

Fantasy baseball draft day!

2010-04-03T09:03:00.001-04:00

(I've been waiting for an excuse - any excuse - to post that picture.)

As Dave Bowman once said ...

2010-03-31T20:58:00.007-04:00

... "My God, it's full of stars."

Quarter Back: March 1985

2010-03-30T12:00:00.012-04:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

This month marks 25 years since "the shift."

In the early '80s, the success of Porky's led to a glut of imitators - juvenile comedies more interested in breasts than brains. Some recaptured the gleeful spirit of honest, R-rated fun (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Revenge of the Nerds), but most were just flaccid excuses to show nipples to American teens. Not that there was anything wrong with that.

Seriously, the stretch from '82 to '85 saw so many bawdy, boob-filled flicks, today's teenagers should be careful watching. Odds are, their mom is in at least one of 'em.

Bachelor Party, Class, Fraternity Vacation, Hardbodies, Homework, Hot Dog... The Movie, Hot Moves, Hot Resort, The Last American Virgin, Losin' It, My Tutor, Police Academy, Porky's II: The Next Day, Private Resort, Private School, Risky Business, Secret Admirer, Spring Break, Tomboy, Up the Creek, Valley Girl, The Wild Life, Zapped.

A few great, some good, most bad, all R-rated and aimed at the same demographic: males who couldn't yet see naked women with the click of a mouse.

All good things must come to an end, though - and that end was never more apparent than in March '85. Within three weeks of each other, two films were released with the same general theme: "guys will do anything for sex." Beyond that initial set-up, though, their paths diverged wildly.

Featured Movies

The Sure Thing
Seen it before?: Surprisingly, no.
Release date: March 1, 1985
Actors: John Cusack, Daphne Zuniga, Tim Robbins
Director: Rob Reiner (This Is Spinal Tap, Stand By Me, The Princess Bride)
Box office: $18.1 million (#49 in 1985)

"Stereotypical '80s teen movie" is well-represented on that poster. A hot bikini babe, the same variety seen in the ads for Spring Break, Private Resort and Hardbodies. The longing teenage boy. The hot girl you're supposed to think isn't hot because - gasp! - she's wearing a sweater.

There's something different, though, and you need to squint to catch it. At the very bottom. See it?

"PG-13."

The introduction of the teen-friendly rating in 1984 put dollar signs in the eyes of studio executives. No longer would their younger-skewing films have to go all-out for the R rating (thereby losing a significant portion of the audience), or completely sanitize themselves for PG. There was a middle ground now, and filmmakers could take advantage.

On its face, Rob Reiner's The Sure Thing is about a college guy (John Cusack) going cross-country with a single-minded purpose: sex. His best buddy in California has promised him a "sure thing," a stupidly hot blonde (future desperate housewife Nicollette Sheridan) who will definitely drop trou when he arrives.

Through a set of semi-believable contrivances, he ends up road tripping with snooty classmate Alison (Daphne Zuniga, who should have eventually been A-list). It's not exactly rocket science what happens: they fight at first, but eventually learn to laugh, love, blah blah blah. But it's amazing what great performances and a clever script bring to even the most predictable of affairs.

The Sure Thing did break some new ground, however. When a female character goes topless, we only see her bare back. When Cusack gets mad, we hear nary a "fuck." And the climax of our lead couple's relationship isn't between the sheets, but a simple kiss. It was a new world for Hollywood, and would be the norm for quite awhile. (And being completely honest, the movies were a lot better. I hate admitting that.) Grade: A-

Porky's Revenge
Seen it before?: Hells to the yes.
Release date: March 22, 1985
Actors: Dan Monahan, Wyatt Knight, Tony Ganios
Director: James Komack (this was his only feature, though he did helm episodes of "Star Trek" and "The Monkees")
Box office: $20.5 million (#43 in 1985)

Porky's Revenge was the third and final film of the quintessential '80s trilogy (screw you, Indiana Jones!). And as noted above, it was the dying gasp of the raunchy teen comedy, until a neutered revival 15 years later with American Pie and Road Trip.

A little bit of Porky's history: the legitimately hilarious original, a comedy about '50s-era high school seniors, arrived in theaters in 1982. It was a massive hit, finishing fifth at the box office that year, ahead of Star Trek II, 48 Hrs. and Poltergeist. A quickie sequel followed a year later, and ignored the raunch for - no lie - a politically correct, anti-racism theme. It crashed, burned and smoldered.

So three years after the original, Porky's Revenge arrives - with the same cast still playing high school seniors. (The film's IMDb page reveals most of the guys were in their 30s by the end of '85, so one can imagine the receding hairlines getting in the way of teenage hijinks.)

Revenge gets back to the baser aspects of the original, mostly by introducing the tried-and-true "Swedish exchange student" who constantly removes her top. However, unlike Porky's, the script falls limp, and there aren't any gags worth remembering. Still, the cast is incredibly game, and it kills me nobody ascended from that likable group.

Sure, Porky's Revenge outgrossed The Sure Thing by a couple million, but the die was cast. John Hughes was on the scene, and his PG-13 run (Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful) would soon commence. In 1989, Cusack himself would make the undisputed king of puppydog teen romances with Say Anything..., and boobs would disappear from teen flicks for over a decade.

The raunchy comedy has "evolved" in some ways, replacing the constant stream of nudity with a healthy dose of gross-out gags. So in a way, Porky's Revenge deserves our thanks for raging against the dying of the bimbo light. Grade: C

Other films 25 years old this month:

Almost You - Griffin Dunne's wife is incapacitated in a car accident, so he does what any upstanding New Yorker would do: bangs the nurse taking care of her. Can't claim to have heard of this one.

The Aviator - Christopher Reeve desperately wanted to shed the red and blue tights. No matter how hard he tried, though, the guy never had a hit without the word "Superman" in the title. His movies between Superman III and IV - The Bostonians, The Aviator and Street Smart - all failed to crack the $1.5 million mark, and it didn't help he was making stuffy period dramas like this one.

Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend - True story: When we got home from this "dinosaurs exist!" family film, my brother (then all of eight) announced his intent to build a life-size brontosaurus, stretching from our driveway to a neighbor's house. He got wood, foam, paper mache and wire, and set out to blow us away. A week later, he had moved on, and our trash can was full of wood, foam, paper mache, wire, and an eight-inch long tip of a brontosaurus tail. (And the first person to tell me "brontosaurus" isn't correct terminology gets kicked squa' in the nuts.)

The Care Bears Movie - Oh, and similarly, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves inspired him to become a master archer. A barely used bow is probably still rusting in some bushes. (Oh, The Care Bears Movie? Not sure I could tell you anything the title doesn't perfectly describe.)

Certain Fury - Tough girls Tatum O'Neal and Irene Cara are running from the law in this low-rent drama from director Stephen Gyllenhaal. Yes, Jake and Maggie's dad.

Def-Con 4 - I remember staring at this poster when I was a kid, just sure there was a super-cool movie behind that super-cool image. Seeing it hasn't been released on DVD yet, however, I'm skeptical.

Desperately Seeking Susan - Vision Quest cameo aside, this marks Madonna's movie debut - and it was huge news in March '85. To be fair, though, nobody knew what Madonna's movie career would amount to.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning - It takes a special kind of flick to be the "the worst Friday the 13th movie." I even hated this as a kid, and I didn't hate anything as a kid.

He-Man and She-Ra in The Secret of the Sword - Again, what do you want to know that the title doesn't tell you?

The Hit - Gangster-in-hiding Terence Stamp is suddenly kidnapped by two hitmen (John Hurt and a 22-year-old Tim Roth). A '90s movie before its time.

Into the Night - Jeff Goldblum is an average guy who meets Michelle Pfeiffer and finds himself on the wrong side of Middle Eastern criminals. Mmm, mid-'80s Michelle Pfeiffer.

King David - Once upon a time, somebody thought casting Richard Gere in the story of Israel's King David would be a moneymaker. Once upon a time, somebody was really, really wrong.

The Last Dragon - This martial arts film, starring one-name wonders Taimak and Vanity, is still wildly popular in the black community. So there's no surprise a remake is on the way, starring one Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

Lost in America - Albert Brooks and Julie Hagerty travel cross-country in this critically adored comedy. According to Netflix, I watched it in March '07 and awarded three stars. I have no memory of this. Either I'm getting old, or it really wasn't that great. Or both.

Mask - Nope, not the Jim Carrey one. The Eric Stoltz-as-a-Nightmarish-Ginger one.

Mission in Action 2: The Beginning - Just four months ago, I profiled Missing in Action in this space, and found a quality nugget of trivia: this prequel was actually filmed first, but released later because it was of lesser "quality." Considering the first one was crap, I wasn't about to throw myself on the viewing grenade again. Oh, and how stupid was it to release this Chuck Norris-goes-to-Vietnam flick two months BEFORE Rambo: First Blood Part II hit theaters? At the very least, they could have surfed the copycat wave for a few extra million.

Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment - My least favorite trend of the '80s: a perfectly fine R-rated original produces a de-balled sequel, all in the name of selling tickets to kids like me. Blame the invention of the PG-13 rating, I guess, but it happened all over the place: Caddyshack, Major League, Police Academy, Revenge of the Nerds, Vacation. All R-rated classics (yes, classics) with PG or PG-13-rated sequels. And you know what that meant? LESS BOOBS.

A Private Function - A pig theft rocks 1947 England, and Maggie Smith and Michael Palin are on the case! No, this didn't really play a huge part in making Smith the highest grossing actress in history. (Her participation in six Harry Potter films, on the other hand, skews the results).

The Purple Rose of Cairo - My introduction to Woody Allen. In this comedy, a movie character (Jeff Daniels) gets fed up and walks off the screen, leaving the other characters to wonder if he's coming back. Mia Farrow also stars, and no doubt brought adopted teenage daughter Soon-Yi Previn to the set.

Return of the Jedi - The third Star Wars film returned to theaters two years after its original 1983 release, but George Lucas hadn't gone fatface-crazy yet. So there's no Hayden Christensen, Sarlacc beak, or Broadway musical in Jabba's palace. Simpler times, my friends.

The Slugger's Wife - Oh, there was excitement 'round these parts when The Slugger's Wife opened. The baseball-centered romance starred Caddyshack's Michael O'Keefe as a member of MY Atlanta Braves, and it featured cameos by a number of local talking heads: Skip Carey, Pete van Wieren and Brad Nessler among them. As godawful as the movie was - and holy shit, it was bad - I still remember how cool it was seeing my hometown skyline in a movie for the first time (my eyes had been shielded from the R-rated Sharky's Machine).

Sylvester - Every damn year would have a damn movie about a damn horse, which meant I'd have to go with my damn sister, instead of seeing something damn cooler. Like Police Academy 2. Seriously, it was all the time. The Black Stallion Returns was '83, Phar Lap was '84, Sylvester was '85, Lightning the White Stallion was '86, Hot to Trot AND Return to Snowy River hit in '88, and Steel Magnolias was '89! (See what I did there? Julia Roberts looks like a horse? Get it?)

Quarter Back: February 1985
Quarter Back: January 1985
Quarter Back: December 1984
Quarter Back: November 1984
Quarter Back: October 1984
Quarter Back: September 1984
Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

Reader's corner

2010-03-20T18:14:00.006-04:00

From the book, Jaws: The Revenge. By Hank Searls. Berkley (1987).

Suddenly the banana boat hit the wake of the Big Egg Harbor cruiser ahead. She could hear Thea squealing as they hobby-horsed through the waves. She turned to see that the child was hanging on.

Behind Thea, she saw a fin. From her low vantage point it looked like the Rock of Gibraltar, awash in a streaming tide. It was rushing up their wake.

Instinctively, she turned her body, yanked Thea from her place, and body-slammed the athwartship between her daughter and herself.

Her last thought, as she braced to take the impact, was that she'd sprained her back.

For an instant she was in shadow, as the great white's jaws sprung open.

Then she and the last five feet of the rubber boat were crushed into a jumble of flesh and neoprene rubber as the swords of glittering ivory met and pressed.

- page 268

An impulse buy, and this time it was personal

2010-03-19T16:35:00.012-04:00

As if 1987's Jaws: The Revenge wasn't awesome enough - with a great white following a Bahamas-bound plane o' Brodys for shark vengeance - did you know there was a freaking book?

Yes, Hank Searls - noted author of Jaws 2 - returned to the shark-muncher genre to pen what's surely a riveting page turner, based on Michael de Guzman's amazing screenplay. You know, Michael de Guzman, the guy who wrote all those classics you've definitely heard of.

And how Mr. Searls turned a zippy 89-minute nail-biter into a 313-page obvious classic - well, that's the mark of a grade-A novelist. Can't wait.

Some people get high and watch 2001; tonight, I'm gonna get drunk as shit and read Jaws: The Revenge.

Five short months

2010-03-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

If you were awakened this morning by some weird squealing, followed by, I don't know, what felt like seismic activity, followed by, maybe, a weird smell in the air - yeah, my bad. It was just my natural reaction upon seeing this.

Click for bigger awesomeness.

For S's and G's

2010-03-05T13:48:00.006-05:00

So it turns out the Academy Awards are Sunday night. I discovered this half an hour ago, which isn't the way my obsessive, chart-making mind used to work. A detour into my 30s, as well as a cavalcade of legitimately bad Best Picture winners, have dulled my Oscar enthusiasm.

Seriously, fucking Crash?

And yet despite my ignorance and apathy, I still know the way the Academy thinks. The politics, the maneuvering, the complete lack of excitement and bravery. And that's why, for no reason other than to see how right/wrong I am, here are my Oscar predictions.

Picture: The Hurt Locker
Actor: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Actress: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, Precious
Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Animated Feature Film: Up
Art Direction: Avatar
Original Screenplay: Inglourious Basterds
Adapted Screenplay: Up in the Air
Cinematography: Avatar
Costume Design: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Documentary (Feature): The Cove
Documentary (Short Subject): "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant"
Film Editing: The Hurt Locker
Foreign Language Film: The White Ribbon
Makeup: The Young Victoria
Music (Original Score): Up
Music (Original Song): "The Weary Kind," Crazy Heart
Short Film (Animated): "The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)"
Short Film (Live Action): "The Door"
Sound Editing: Avatar
Sound Mixing: Avatar
Visual Effects: Avatar

If there's a shocker - and there never is anymore - I see an ever-s0-slight chance Inglourious Basterds wins Best Picture.

In the Academy's eyes, it has one thing going for it: it's a Jewish revenge fantasy, which the heavily Jewish voting bloc might appreciate. Alas, there is one massive detail working against it: Basterds actually was the best movie of '09, and Oscar never likes rewarding that.

Quarter Back: February 1985

2010-03-02T12:00:00.002-05:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

Seriously, what the hell? I was all prepared to actually publish this in February - had most of it written, and both movies watched two weeks ago. And then - well, screw stupid February with its stupid 28 stupid days.

Featured Movies

Heaven Help Us
Seen it before?: Don't think so, although I recognized certain scenes. HBO, maybe?
Release date: February 8, 1985
Actors: Andrew McCarthy, Kevin Dillon, Donald Sutherland
Director: Michael Dinner (Off Beat, Hot to Trot)
Box office: $6.0 million (#110 in 1985)

Straddling a fine line between the nostalgia of Diner and the raunchiness of Porky's, Heaven Help Us is actually a pretty good entry into the '80s teen derby. In his first lead performance, Andrew McCarthy is the new kid at an all-boys Catholic school, with future stars Patrick Dempsey and Kevin Dillon as classmates.

It's easy to guess the filmmakers based this on personal experiences, as the scholastic scenes are given more attention than the wannabe lascivious ones. In fact, though it shoehorns breasts onto the screen in typical '80s fashion, calling Heaven Help Us a sex comedy is misleading. Actually, the film's strong suit is examining the testy relationships between the kids and the monks in charge (no, there aren't any cliched Catholic priest/boy subplots, although I did like using the word "testy" just then). Donald Sutherland and John Heard, in particular, have fun with smaller roles. Grade: B

The Breakfast Club
Seen it before?: Of course.
Release date: February 15, 1985
Actors: Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson
Director: John Hughes (Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, Ferris Bueller's Day Off)
Box office: $45.9 million (#16 in 1985)

Reviewing The Breakfast Club as a thirty-something defeats the purpose, really. The anguish seems melodramatic, the kids appear self-absorbed, the plot wraps up a little too nicely (I never bought Claire falling for Bender, sorry). But damn, it seemed true at the time - I'm not far enough away from high school to have forgotten that.

When you're a teen, the sorrows are amplified, the world revolves around you, and the teachers don't, can't, won't get it. John Hughes understood these simplicities, and his empathy is why The Breakfast Club resonates today. For anybody in their 30s and 40s, it's a 90-minute time capsule. It can't hit the same buttons it did in 1985 (that's impossible), but it reminds you they existed in the first place. Grade: A-

Other films 25 years old this month:

The Bay Boy - This long-forgotten Canadian (booooo!) drama is notable for one thing: Kiefer Sutherland's first significant film role. And the story of a murder-witnessing teen is probably 50 times more exciting than this season's snoozefest "24."

Fantasia - Walt Disney's classic briefly returned to theaters, but the coked-up teens of '85 didn't embrace it quite as much as their tripping-balls parents had.

Fast Forward - Hey, kids of today - you might have Step Up and You've Got Served, but '80s teens had retarded dance movies too! But is your A.D.D.-riddled, crumping/pop-locking/whatever garbage directed by Sidney Poitier? Hear that, you little assholes? Fast Forward, directed by SIDNEY POITIER. (He was a movie star once. Ask your grandparents.)

Heavenly Bodies - Oh '80s, how I miss you. When a small dance studio is endangered by a big corporate gym, scores are settled at a televised aerobics marathon! Yes, it's basically Dodgeball with a straight face.

Lust in the Dust - John Waters-mainstay Divine plays a wannabe saloon singer in this camp western, which hasn't been viewed by a straight person since 1986.

The Mean Season - Kurt Russell is a Miami journalist who begins receiving phone calls from a serial killer. I'd like to think it was a 15-year-old Dexter.

Mischief - This teen comedy is still talked about for only two reasons: Kelly Preston's right boob, and Kelly Preston's left boob. An otherwise lame attempt to cash in on Porky's, Mischief did in fact feature the future Mrs. Travolta's ample assets, and they were good. Google Image Search is your friend.

Turk 182 - I'd love to know what movie played more on mid-'80s HBO: Turk 182 or Just One of the Guys? This movie was impossible to avoid if you had cable, and my memories are actually pretty fond. Timothy Hutton feels wronged by New York City's mayor, and goes on a city-wide graffiti protest, becoming an anonymous folk hero in the process. A pre-op Kim Cattrall is his love interest.

Vision Quest - One of those, I don't know, very '80s movies. Vision Quest manages to package a popular Madonna song ("Crazy For You"), a decade-friendly "hot older woman seduces teen" plot, an at-the-time rising star (Matthew Modine, who would soon careen off the rails by turning down Top Gun), and wrestlin'. And in unusual form, the flick actually holds up.

Witness - Ah, the good ol' days when a Harrison Ford film was an event. I still remember standing next to a soccer field, begging my mom to let me see the R-rated drama. I mean, Han Solo, Indiana Jones - it was UNFAIR UNFAIR UNFAIR I wouldn't be allowed to follow the travails of Philadelphia cop John Book in Amish country. Alas, I would have to wait. And now that I'm 34 and can see anything I want, Ford's contribution to multi-plexes is PG-rated dreck like Extraordinary Measures. Fantastic.

Quarter Back: January 1985
Quarter Back: December 1984
Quarter Back: November 1984
Quarter Back: October 1984
Quarter Back: September 1984
Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

Community college

2010-02-28T00:07:00.010-05:00

Well, the University of Georgia seems to be the go-to fashion choice for celebs these days. Here are some castmembers of NBC's "Community" chillin' in New Orleans - and one Mr. Donald Glover represents.

Glover, a former writer for "30 Rock," was born and raised in Stone Mountain - and I'll assume he left the show before it painted the predominately black city as a whitebread, rube-filled redneck paradise in a recent episode. Either way, it's nice to see he still recognizes his roots.

(Here's Glover talking Atlanta up in a recent Craig Ferguson appearance.)

Grambling addiction

2010-02-25T07:00:00.005-05:00

In December '08, the UGAniverse began buzzing about the apparent induction of a new fan: Mr. Marvin's Room himself, Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sadly, the truth slapped us upside - it was, in fact, a Grambling cap. Same logo, different color scheme.

Well, just over a year later, Mr. Critters 3 has realized his mistake. C'mon Fun Police, take this one from us!

Tip o' the hat: Mirabella

Moral of the story? Grambling gets you the kid from Witness, while UGA gets you whoever she is. Winner, Jaw'ja.

Thank you for setting it straight, Mr. Quick and the Dead.

Big brother

2010-02-17T21:32:00.002-05:00

Well, this was certainly a welcome e-mail.

Of course, my followers will continue reading about what they always have: my charitable work, non-denominational church events, rock-solid family life, and obsessive dedication to my job.

The 50 Best Movies of the 2000s

2010-02-11T08:00:00.004-05:00

Nine years into the century, the decade has ended.

While many of my friends celebrated a new millennium in January 2000, I remained a stickler. You all know the argument - due to the lack of a Year Zero, the 21st century and new millennium didn't begin until 2001. A decade, however, is a different story.

Ten years equals a decade. Any 10 years, really. 1984-1993 is a decade. 1633-1642, a decade. 1702-1711, likewise. We obviously break ours down fairly easily: the '80s, the '90s, the '00s. (Isn't it weird we never really came up with a universal name for this one? How will VH1 cope in 20 years?). So I have no problem calling this list The 50 Best Movies of the Decade.

Now are these the absolute supreme examples of filmmaking from the past 10 years? Maybe, who knows. I just know they're my 50 favorites. There are some titles that'll make you nod, some that'll make you scoff, some that'll make you think I'm kidding. But I'm not - they're simply the films I'm most likely to remember, most likely to revisit.

(And about ten seconds after I hit "post," I'll want to rearrange the entire thing).

1) The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford (2007) "I honestly believe I'm destined for great things, Mr. James. I've got qualities that don't come shining through right at the outset, but give me a chance and I'll get the job done."

2) Mulholland Dr. (2001) "Now you will see me one more time, if you do good. You will see me two more times, if you do bad."

3) Children of Men (2006) "As the sound of the playgrounds faded, the despair set in. Very odd, what happens in a world without children's voices."

4) The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) "I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch."

5) Wonder Boys (2000) "Now that is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly."

6) Michael Clayton (2007) "I am Shiva, the god of death."

7) Kill Bill Vol. I (2003) "It was not my intention to do this in front of you. For that I'm sorry. But you can take my word for it, your mother had it comin'. When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it, I'll be waitin'."

8) Inglourious Basterds (2009) "When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps."

9) A History of Violence (2005) "I saw you turn into Joey right before my eyes. I saw a killer, the one Fogarty warned me about. You did kill men back in Philly, didn't you? Did you do it for money? Or did you do it because you enjoyed it?"

10) The Departed (2006) "I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me."

11) In Bruges (2008) "Don't know any Belgium jokes, and if I did I think I'd have the good sense not to - hang on. Is Belgium with all those child abuse murders lately? I do know a Belgium joke. What's Belgium famous for? Chocolates and child abuse, and they only invented the chocolates to get to the kids."

12) Rocky Balboa (2006) "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward."

13) You Can Count On Me (2000) "I just want to get out of this town. And if you've got any sense when you get old enough you'll get out of here too. Your Mom's gonna live in this town for the rest of her life, and you know why? Because she thinks she has to."

14) The Aviator (2004) "I don't want them bribed, Jack. I want this done legal. I want them bought."

15) The Incredibles (2004) "Remember the bad guys on the shows you used to watch on Saturday mornings? Well, these guys aren't like those guys. They won't exercise restraint because you are children. They will kill you if they get the chance. Do not give them that chance."

16) Rambo (2008) "You know what you are. What you're made of. War is in your blood. Don't fight it. You didn't kill for your country. You killed for yourself. God's never gonna make that go away. When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing."

17) Signs (2002) "There are a lot of things I can take, and some things I can't. But what I can't take is when my older brother, who's everything that I want to be, starts losing faith in things. I saw that look in your eyes last night. I don't ever want to see that look in your eyes again."

18) Best In Show (2000) "Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman."

19) Catch Me If You Can (2002) "Your son has been pretending to be a substitute teacher, lecturing the students, uh, giving out homework. Mrs. Glasser has been ill, there was some confusion with the real sub. Your son held a teacher-parent conference yesterday and was planning a class field trip to a French bread factory in Trenton."

20) The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005) "All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, 'Tackle the gazelle.' And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, 'Tackle drunk bitches.'"

21) Shattered Glass (2003) "He handed us fiction after fiction, and we printed them all as fact. Just because we found him entertaining."

22) There Will Be Blood (2007) "Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy. Drained dry, I'm so sorry. If, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw - there it is, that's the straw, you see, you watching? My straw reaches across the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I. Drink. Your. Milkshake! I drink it up!"

23) Vanilla Sky (2001) "With all the possible respect I can offer a man wearing a latex mask and spouting conspiracy theories, David, believe me, you've crossed that bridge."

24) Dawn of the Dead (2004) "Not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me just see if I grasp this concept, ok? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles, and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store and watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy movie jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit. Then, we're gonna drive across a ruined city, through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals, all so that we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?"

25) Man on Fire (2004) "A man can be an artist at anything, food or whatever if you’re good enough at it. Creasy's art is death, and he's about to paint his masterpiece."

The next 25 (in alphabetical order): American Psycho, Amores Perros, Apocalypto, Bad Santa, Brokeback Mountain, Collateral, Casino Royale, Cast Away, City of God, Eastern Promises, The Fellowship of the Ring: The Lord of the Rings**, Ghost World, The Host, Identity, The Kingdom, Lord of War, Munich, O Brother Where Art Thou, Once, Open Range, Role Models, Shaun of the Dead, Tropic Thunder, We Own the Night, The Wrestler

** In the comments, I've been informed this title is ordered incorrectly. However, I will not edit it, and view my mistake as a point of pride.

Quarter Back: January 1985

2010-02-05T12:00:00.003-05:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

Where the hell did January go?

Well, I have an excuse for this post showing up a few days late - this new 46-inch monstrosity, combined with my desire to rewatch "Lost" in its entirety before Tuesday's premiere (I failed, still mired in the Nikki/Paolo days of Season 3).

Really, though, I should have torn myself away and watched Tuff Turf in time. There's no justification for ignoring the classics.

Featured Movies

Tuff Turf
Seen it before?: No.
Release date: January 11, 1985
Actors: James Spader, Kim Richards, Robert Downey, Jr.
Director: Fritz Kiersch (Children of the Corn, Gor)
Box office: $9.4 million (#89 in 1985)

"Meet Morgan Hiller. He's always been a rebel. Now, he's about to become a hero." To which I say, meet Morgan Hiller. He's always been an asshole. Now, inexplicable comma, he's about to be beat up by other assholes.

This 1985 gem stars James Spader, just before he would become the Bill Zabka of the late '80s, infecting his sleazy, yuppie, Andrew McCarthy-hating charm in Pretty in Pink, Mannequin and Less Than Zero. Oddly enough, though, each one of those characters was more likable than the supposed "hero" of this movie.

He's a tough guy! He wears sunglasses in school! He treats his legitimately caring parents like crap! The teachers just don't understand why he doesn't get their vibe! He's got a totally bitchin' 10-speed!

And the movie thinks we don't want to see this guy punched in the face.

Anyway, a seemingly long story short: Spader is the new kid in school, gets on the bad side of the lamest, whitest gang in movie history, falls for the gangleader's gal, gets kicked and punched, and befriends a drummer played by Robert Downey, Jr. Yes, Downey, Jr. in his Back to School/"Saturday Night Live" days, showing zero of the Undeniable Awesome that's made him a star today.

Kids, rent this and make fun of your parents for once thinking it was cool. Grade: C-

Blood Simple
Seen it before?: Well, I thought I had. But I didn't remember a thing.
Release date: January 18, 1985
Actors: M. Emmet Walsh, Frances McDormand, John Getz
Directors: Joel and Ethan Coen (Raising Arizona, Fargo, The Big Lebowski)
Box office: $2.2 million (#138 in 1985)

Blood Simple would probably be a forgotten piece of '80s noir, but it lives on due to the braintrust behind it. Twenty-five years later, Joel and Ethan Coen have eight Oscars between them, and a filmography of classics both cult and mainstream. But it all started here, in a now recognizable world of small-town murder and deceit.

Describing the plot does the film a disservice, but some Coen mainstays are already present: hit men, violence by way of confusion, Frances McDormand, gunplay in empty fields, the occasional flash of gore. Really, this seems like a batting cage warm-up prior to the World Series of Fargo.

It doesn't have the slickness of the Coens' later efforts, and the film pulls up a little lame with a charisma-free leading man (Getz, long before the Coens could pull the George Clooneys and Tommy Lee Joneses of the world). But as low-budget debuts go, it's an extraordinary effort, and certainly fascinating as a slice of movie history. Grade: B+

Other films 25 years old this month:

Avenging Angel - In 1984's Angel, Donna Wilkes played the title character, a high school honor student by day, streetwise hooker at night. Totally awesome, obviously. Well now it's a year later, and Angel has some avengin' to do. In a recasting on par with George Lazenby stepping in for Sean Connery, Private School's Betsy Russell wears Angel's high heels this time. And the results, I'm assuming having never seen a second of this, are no less spectacular. Amazingly, two more Angel sequels (straight-to-video, natch) would follow, with a different actress each time.

The Falcon and the Snowman - Sean Penn and Timothy Hutton try to out-brood each other in this true story about All-American boys who wind up Soviet spies. (It goes without saying Penn hired the guy his character was based on, once he had been released from prison. No, really.)

Fandango - Kevin Costner emerged as a viable movie star in 1985. Of course, it had little to do with this or August's American Flyers (grossing less than $2 million combined), and more to do with his star-making turn in Silverado. Judd Nelson joins Costner in this one, and would go on to have a great year with The Breakfast Club and St. Elmo's Fire.

Here Come the Littles - Remember those creepy hare-lipped gophers who had their own Saturday morning cartoon? Yeah, there's a movie. Who knew.

The New Kids - January 1985 was apparently James Spader Month. In this pseudo-horror flick, he terrorizes innocent high schoolers in a theme park. See, it's the flip side of the Tuff Turf coin - the dickhead terrorizee is now the dickhead terrorizer! What range! The silver lining: one of the teens is Lori Loughlin, who obviously made a deal with the devil to stay as stupid hot 25 years later.

The Perils of Gwendolyn in the Land of Yik Yak - Silly me. When I typed the title - which I'd never heard before - I assumed this was some cheapo, cheesy, Don Bluthish kiddie cartoon about a girl who runs through a gumdrop forest and fights a mean witch on her way to spend the holidays with Grandma. Nope, BOOBFEST. Tawny Kitaen, only a year after Bachelor Party, flaunts her wares throughout this - seriously - R-rated Indiana Jones ripoff. Praise be to Netflix for having this movie (now renamed simply Gwendolyn) in stock. I'll be in my room.

That's Dancing! - In the days before Netflix, Youtube or even VHS, studios would occasionally release a glorified clipshow to theaters. Basically, you'd have a few hosts - Gene Kelly and Liza Minnelli this time, among others - presenting bits from the "golden age" of Hollywood. This one, following 1974's That's Entertainment! and 1976's That's Entertainment Part II, exclusively focused on dance numbers. As proof this wouldn't work today, the $30 million gross of the first That's Entertainment was followed by only $280,000 in ticket sales for 1994's That's Entertainment III.

Tomboy - Betsy Russell is back, giving Spader a run for his overexposed money. Two weeks after avenging as Angel, Russell is a mechanic who yearns to prove she's not just a pretty face. Part of that plan, apparently, includes showing us her jibblies. Sadly, Netflix has let me down this time. (Kudos to Russell, though, for still being hot and getting work in a few of the Saw movies).

Quarter Back: December 1984
Quarter Back: November 1984
Quarter Back: October 1984
Quarter Back: September 1984
Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

No slouch himself

2010-01-28T23:53:00.004-05:00

Falling down a Wikipedia wormhole can bring you the most excellent information. Do you know who was the original "SuperFriends" narrator in the '70s?

AWESOME.

Aiding and A'Betting: Playoffs Week Three

2010-01-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

Whoops, I leave town for two days and completely neglect posting the picks. The outcry was titanic.

The playoff picks:

NY Jets @ Indianapolis (-7 1/2). The Jets' chances are shakier than Michael J. Fox in Haiti. (Ok, so which part was more offensive? The too-soon earthquake joke, or the insensitive dig at the always-awesome Fox? Trying to hone my craft here.) PICK: NY Jets

Minnesota @ New Orleans (-4). Brett Favre has to be a special kind of bastard to have me rooting for New Orleans, aka The World’s Biggest Bathtub. As horrific as this game is from a cheering perspective, at least I can reflect on the last time Minnesota was in an NFC Championship Game. If anybody wants a 5-hour recap of that Atlanta Falcons victory, including what I was doing at the time, the precise ways my bodily fluids reacted to Morten Andersen’s game-winning kick, and maybe even some stuff you might consider T.M.I., give me a call. PICK: New Orleans

These picks can also be seen at Holly's Snarkastic throughout the weekend. I'm far too lazy to come up with fresh material for each website.

Regular season record: 128-125-3
Playoff record: 2-6
Overall: 130-131-3 (so I have to go 3-0 in the final three games for a winning season)

Aiding and A'Betting: Playoffs Week Two

2010-01-15T14:14:00.004-05:00

If things go as expected, we're looking at a nightmare scenario next week: Dallas @ New Orleans in the NFC championship game. So either the Saints go to the Super Bowl, or Keith Brooking does. What the hell am I supposed to do then?

Hell, the other possibilities aren't much prettier. If the Vikings manage a winning streak, we're in for two weeks of "Brett Favre is back in the big game!" rod-gobbling. And the Cardinals, while the least offensive of the bunch, are certainly the most boring.

This blows.

The playoff picks:

Arizona @ New Orleans (-7). What’s the one thing consistently lacking in Arizona? Water. And what is New Orleans’ primary weakness this century? YEP. So the Cardinals are obviously ill-prepared for their visit, and the Saints will march on to next week. However, they’d better hope it’s not the Land of 10,000 Lakes coming to town. PICK: New Orleans

Baltimore @ Indianapolis (-6 1/2). I was set to join Team Manning through the playoffs, until Jim Caldwell bent over and let Mark Sanchez play out his illicit prison fantasies. And not only was it an awful way to treat fans, it was stupid. As a long-time subscriber to Rest Your Players And You Will Lose Unless You Play The Cardinals: The Magazine, I see Ray Rice and Ed Reed bitch-slapping the Colts on opposite sides of the ball. The boos will be well-deserved. PICK: Baltimore

Dallas @ Minnesota (-2 1/2). When you actively campaign for a terrorist attack, somebody do-gooder lib’rul always whines, “But what about the innocent people?” Look closely, though: there will be NO INNOCENT PEOPLE in the Metrodome on Sunday. Not only are the Vikings and Cowboys players deserving of death, but my god, have you paid attention to their respective fans lately? And with Joe Buck calling the game? WIN-WIN-WIN. Does al Qaida have an official color? I need to know what to wear. PICK: Dallas

NY Jets @ San Diego (-7). Other television options, Sunday at 4:30: “Die Hard 2” (TBS), “Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal” (A&E), “Pit Bulls and Parolees” (Animal Planet), “UAB @ Central Florida Women’s Basketball” (ESPN2), “Carnie Wilson: Unstapled” (GSN). No, I’m not making any of those up, and they’ll certainly be more riveting than this monkey-stomp. Chargers go big, Jets go home. PICK: San Diego

These picks can also be seen at Holly's Snarkastic throughout the weekend. I'm far too lazy to come up with fresh material for each website.

Regular season record: 128-125-3
Playoff record: 1-3
Overall: 129-128-3 (CRAP)

Regular bat channel

2010-01-12T12:20:00.001-05:00

We're back to normal ol' public consumption, with the blog open to everyone's eyes. The outcry was just too monumental and far-reaching.

Seriously, my mom was pissed.

Aiding and A'Betting: Playoffs Week One

2010-01-08T19:56:00.004-05:00

Well, I ended the season with a bang: 5-10-1 in Week 17.

Final record for 2009: 128-125-3.

LET'S GET CRUNK! (or something)

Seriously, I'll take a winning record at this point. It has been awhile.

The playoff picks:

NY Jets @ Cincinnati (-2 1/2). PICK: Cincinnati
Philadelphia @ Dallas (-3 1/2). PICK: Dallas
Baltimore @ New England (-3 1/2). PICK: New England
Green Bay @ Arizona (PICK). PICK: Green Bay

Oh, and yes, I'm aware Sylvester Stallone broke his neck on the set of The Expendables. But don't worry - he's just lucky to have three of 'em.

2010: the year we make the playoffs

2010-01-03T20:48:00.004-05:00

Well, the Falcons have been eliminated from the playoffs for a few weeks now - so let's turn attention to 2010. The schedule hasn't been generated, but we do know who we'll be playing home and away. (Spoiler: our away schedule is 100x better than it was in '09).

HOME
vs. Arizona Cardinals
vs. Baltimore Ravens
vs. Carolina Panthers
vs. Cincinnati Bengals
vs. Green Bay Packers
vs. New Orleans Saints
vs. San Francisco 49ers
vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

AWAY
@ Carolina Panthers
@ Cleveland Browns
@ New Orleans Saints
@ Philadelphia Eagles
@ Pittsburgh Steelers
@ Seattle Seahawks
@ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
@ St. Louis Rams

The order of games, as well as the placement of the bye week, will be determined in a few months.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Seventeen

2009-12-31T15:50:00.000-05:00

Can his first two seasons be Atlanta's first back-to-back winning ones in history? Tune in.

I'm out the door for Athens in a bit, and no telling when I'm going to be around a computer again. So here are the final picks of the 2009 NFL regular season, just to say I did 'em.

And no, there are no typos here. Weird-lookin' lines abound.

The picks:

Indianapolis @ Buffalo (-8). PICK: Indianapolis
Jacksonville @ Cleveland (-1 1/2). PICK: Jacksonville
Philadelphia @ Dallas (-3). PICK: Dallas
Chicago (-3) @ Detroit. PICK: Chicago
NY Giants @ Minnesota (-9). PICK: NY Giants
New Orleans @ Carolina (PICK). PICK: New Orleans
New England @ Houston (-7 1/2). PICK: New England
Pittsburgh (-3) @ Miami. PICK: Miami
Cincinnati @ NY Jets (-10). PICK: Cincinnati
San Francisco (-7) @ St. Louis. PICK: St. Louis
Atlanta (-2) @ Tampa Bay. PICK: Atlanta
Green Bay @ Arizona (-3). PICK: Arizona
Kansas City @ Denver (-13). PICK: Denver
Baltimore (-10 1/2) @ Oakland. PICK: Oakland
Washington @ San Diego (-3 1/2). PICK: San Diego
Tennessee (-4) @ Seattle. PICK: Tennessee

Last week: 7-9
Overall: 123-115-2

Quarter Back: December 1984

2009-12-31T13:00:00.001-05:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

Featured Movies

Birdy
Seen it before?: No.
Release date: December 21, 1984
Actors: Matthew Modine, Nicolas Cage
Director: Alan Parker (Angel Heart, The Commitments, Evita)
Box office: $1.5 million (#147 in 1984)

People love to bag on Nicolas Cage for suddenly becoming a weirdo - the silly haircuts, the flaring eyeballs, the overenunciated syllables. But what they forget is Cage has always been a nut. From his falsetto voice in 1985's Peggy Sue Got Married, to his live cockroach-munching in 1989's Vampire's Kiss, to his Elvis fetish blossoming in 1990's Wild at Heart, the craziness ain't exactly a product of this millennium. Really, it's just his movies aren't as good these days.

Cage had one of his earliest starring roles in Birdy, and there are sure signs of the electricity we're so used to now. The decibel outbursts are there, and his mania is housed in the lanky frame of a teenager, making it all the more manic. He plays Al, a popular neighborhood guy who becomes fascinated with the local weirdo - a kid obsessed with birds (Matthew Modine, at the time a much safer bet for A-list stardom).

Well, it turns out his obsession - mixed in with a healthy dose of Vietnam - drives the kid to the brink of insanity. Our tale is told through flashbacks, the "present" being Cage visiting Modine in an asylum, trying to talk him back from the brink of permanent residence.

Birdy walks the fine line many films about "crazy people" do - in the wrong actor's hands, the audience can lose empathy with a character and just find him annoying. And there are points where I wanted to punch both guys in the face, one for being so weird, and one for caring about somebody so weird. I just had problems relating to a guy who liked to curl up naked and sleep in a bird cage. Maybe I'm the crazy one. Grade: C+

2010
Seen it before?: Yes, but not in awhile.
Release date: December 7, 1984
Actors: Roy Scheider, John Lithgow, Helen Mirren, Keir Dullea
Director: Peter Hyams (Timecop, End of Days, Stay Tuned, The Presidio)
Box office: $40.4 million (#17 in 1984)

My love for Star Wars and its sequels was firmly established by 1984, and my parents reacted by taking me to any movie about outer space. I mean, I loved Han Solo, so anything with spacecraft and starscapes would be perfect, right? No matter the content, no matter the rating, no matter if it was a sequel to a film I'd never seen - if it had space in it, it was for Josh.

In theaters, I saw Dune - a bizarre adaptation of an even more bizarre novel, involving torture, murder, abstract concepts such as "folding space," and giant worms that arise from the ground and devour anybody on the surface. In theaters, I saw Aliens - a classic, yet horrific R-rated roller coaster, a sequel to a film I'd never seen, and a terror way out of my 10-year-old league. In theaters, I saw Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone - which just sucked.

It seems bizarre to me now, but I remember loving my 1984 multiplex trip to see 2010. Again, it was a sequel to a movie I hadn't yet heard of, featuring serious looking adults doing serious looking things, and less a laser-blasting good time than a somber meditation on world peace and the psychology of machines. But I ate it up - which, I guess, means my parents were right. Pretty planets equal a good time.

Well, revisiting this film now, I expected to scoff. After all, it was a sequel to Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey, which I now cherish. It replaced Kubrick (who didn't want to be involved) with a guy who'd go on to direct John Ritter in Stay Tuned. And - well, you know what, that's enough. That's enough to form scoffing expectations.

But it's good, though. It's really good. It's no work of art like the original, but it's a damn fine, interesting, gripping sci-fi story featuring great effects (for the time) and excellent performances. It has a couple of epic scenes, harkens back to the original without aping it (no pun intended), and the finale actually earns its straight face.

And hey, it's always fun to see what a 25-year-old vision of the year 2010 looks like. The Soviet Union still exists, Omni Magazine is still printing issues, cassettes are still in vogue, and while we can travel to Jupiter, our computers are limited to green and red text on black screens.

Grade: B+

Other films 25 years old this month:

1984 - Fantastic high school memory: as lazy teachers are wont to do, we dedicated two days to watching this film after reading George Orwell's book. Well, her laziness apparently extended to discovering the rating - which was very much R. And I think there were boobs. Trust me, these moments are golden in ninth grade.

Beverly Hills Cop - Eddie Murphy had big hits with 48 Hrs. and Trading Places - and one big disaster with Best Defense - but nobody was prepared for the bonanza of Beverly Hills Cop. It was the biggest hit of 1984, is essentially the 39th biggest hit of all time, played in theaters for a year, and put Murphy at the top of the Hollywood food chain for the next decade (he wouldn't have a true flop for another 11 years, 1995's Vampire in Brooklyn, but many would soon follow). No wonder then Murphy is about to revive his Axel Foley character in Beverly Hills Cop IV.

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo - Filmed back-to-back with Breakin', which was released just seven months previous, the adventures of Ozone, Boogaloo Shrimp, and the white girl continue. And 25 years later, it still provides a quick joke in any conversation regarding sequels. ("Aww man, I can't wait 'til Avatar 2: Electric Boogaloo!").

City Heat - Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds star in this disasterously bad buddy comedy (read Ebert's review for hilarity's sake).

The Cotton Club - Francis Ford Coppola's expensive flop cast Richard Gere, Gregory Hines, Diane Lane and Nicolas Cage in the story of a 1920s jazz club. Never could summon the interest.

Dune - Yes, apparently December '84 was a confusing month at the movies for lil' Josh. David Lynch's sci-fi epic is pretty much a mess, but there is some gorgeous, fantastic stuff in there. And I definitely wish I still had my Dune action figures from when I was a kid. While my friends were playing with those gay ol' G.I. Joes, I had Kyle MacLachlan in military gear, a fat acne-scarred guy in a body suit, and Sting in metal underwear.

The Flamingo Kid - The first movie to receive a PG-13 rating, though it was delayed five months and was beaten to theaters by a few others. Matt Dillon stars as a recent high school graduate working at a fancy club for the summer.

Johnny Dangerously - A "madcap" gangster comedy featuring Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito and Joe Piscopo. All I know, I enjoyed the hell out of this as an eight-year-old, and still use the words "fargin'" and "corksoakers" because of it.

Micki and Maude - Oh, the hilarity of bigamy. Dudley Moore stars as a man married to two pregnant women (Amy Irving and Ann Reinking). However, it does feature Andre the Giant as himself, so there's some value here.

A Passage to India - Director David Lean's last film, following a so-so career (Doctor Zhivago, Lawrence of Arabia, The Bridge on the River Kwai). Of course, considering it involved the colonial English, Indians and rape, I somehow missed seeing it. If it had been set in space, of course, there's no telling.

Protocol - Odd that I vividly remember seeing four December '84 releases in theaters: 2010, City Heat, Dune and this Goldie Hawn comedy. In it, she plays a cocktail waitress who thwarts a Washington, D.C. assassination and an arms deal. Not exactly Oscar bait.

The River - Mel Gibson, still known as Mad Max at this point, headlines the third major farming drama of 1984 (following Country and Places in the Heart). But this time - there's a'floodin' involved!

Runaway - Tom Selleck takes on KISS's Gene Simmons and mechanical spiders in this thriller written and directed by Michael Crichton. There had to be cocaine involved in some phase of production.

Quarter Back: November 1984
Quarter Back: October 1984
Quarter Back: September 1984
Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

News stuff

2009-12-30T11:32:00.004-05:00

As of 01/01/10, this blog is temporarily going offline - at least to the viewing public.

If you'd like to continue getting access to it, just shoot me an e-mail and I'll add you to the elite "invited readers" list. Just write, "Yes Josh, I would be nothing without your keen insight into the universe and all its inhabitants, who you reign over." Or just "add me."

We will be back and better than ever, eventually. But for now, worldwide fame must wait.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Sixteen

2009-12-24T09:00:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas, you smarmy bastards.

You're going to have to suffer through truncated picks this week, as it's Christmas Eve and I have better things to do. Ok, I don't have better things to do, but I AM lazy.

The picks:

San Diego @ Tennessee (-3). I'm starting to get the feeling we'll have a Super Bowl shocker - basically, one that doesn't include the Colts, Vikings or Saints. Indy and New Orleans have pretty wretched secondaries, and I can see Aaron Rodgers and/or Philip Rivers picking them apart. The Vikings, meanwhile, are already in full meltdown mode. So let's go ahead and throw it out there: Martian Attacking Indianapolis' Super Bowl prediction? San Diego v. Green Bay. PICK: San Diego

Seattle @ Green Bay (-14). PICK: Green Bay

Oakland @ Cleveland (-3). PICK: Oakland

Buffalo @ Atlanta (-9). It's amazing how quickly this season flew by. My season tickets, once a large cardboard sheet of perforation, are now down to singles. Of course, when I held the full compliment in my hands, I was entertaining the thought this week's game would be a playoff clincher, or at worst the ninth win - giving the Falcons its first back-to-back winning seasons ever. Neither one of those has come to pass, and if Atlanta does get that elusive 9-7, it will have to come next week in Tampa. The eighth win shouldn't be hard to come by though, considering Buffalo is starting QB Brian Brohm in his first NFL action ever. PICK: Atlanta

Kansas City @ Cincinnati (-13 1/2). The fantasy football playoffs are in full swing, and I'm back to relying on Carson Palmer as my starter. That whole Jason Campbell thing last week, well, at least it didn't lose me the game. But my God, really, what was I thinking there? Anyway, Palmer against Kansas City? Come on, that's good, right? Hopefully the Bengals don't have any more receivers die before then. PICK: Cincinnati

Houston @ Miami (-3). PICK: Miami

Carolina @ NY Giants (-7). PICK: Carolina

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (-14). Yep, just like the Saints to lose the one game I want them to win. Hopefully God gives Jesus a big ol' Gulf of Mexico hurricane for his birthday. If it takes out the Bucs as well, it would be a true Christmas miracle. PICK: New Orleans

Jacksonville @ New England (-8). PICK: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-2 1/2). PICK: Baltimore

Denver @ Philadelphia (-7). Tune back in over the next few days for Martians Attacking Indianapolis's 25 Best Movies of the Decade (here's a hint: the number one movie's initials are "TAOJJBTCRF"). Because nobody is doing "best of the decade" lists anywhere else. PICK: Denver

St. Louis @ Arizona (-14). PICK: St. Louis

Detroit @ San Francisco (-12 1/2). PICK: Detroit

NY Jets @ Indianapolis (-5). Weird line. That basically tells you Vegas has no idea what to expect - and that's obviously caused by Indy's unwillingness to say how long Peyton Manning will play. Of course, since I'm playing Manning in my fantasy football playoffs, I'm a'lovin' it. PICK: Indianapolis

Dallas (-6 1/2) @ Washington. PICK: Dallas

Minnesota (-7) @ Chicago. PICK: Chicago

Last week: 7-8-1
Overall: 116-106-2

Copycatastrophe

2009-12-18T16:09:00.002-05:00

So I'm not saying Neal Boortz ripped me off or anything. Of course not. Would never make such an accusation. Especially since nobody from WSB ever reads this blog.

Martians Attacking Indianapolis, 12/04/09
So obviously, I have been following the lazily-named "Climategate" scandal with great interest. I'm one of those dastardly deniers, and am thrilled the rest of the world is beginning to wake up. And while the leaked e-mails' importance is arguable, they have proven one thing beyond a doubt: "global warming" is most definitely a political issue, not an environmental one. Because if you truly believe man is making the planet warmer and this will lead to catastrophe, wouldn't you treat these e-mails as good news? You know, like, maybe this awful stuff isn't happening after all? What I've heard from the warming faithful, though, is gnashing, disbelief and anger. It's like learning you don't actually have cancer, and getting angry about it. "But doctor, you told me I was dying, and I believed it! Dammit!"

Neal Boortz, 12/18/09
Look at it this way: If this was really about global warming you would think that the activists would be relieved, and even angry to find out that much of the information they've been fed about a warming world has been manufactured and faked. You would take comfort in the fact that the earth is actually cooling, not warming. It would be much like being told that you don't have cancer after all. You would be relieved.

(For the record, because I know somebody will take me seriously, I don't actually think I got ripped off. It's a fairly simple line of thought, probably written in 500 other places as well).

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Fifteen

2009-12-17T11:30:00.004-05:00

So you're telling me there's a chance!

Yes, your 6-7 Atlanta Falcons still have a shot at the 2009 postseason. There are just three small things that need to happen.

1) The Falcons win their last three games, @Jets, vs. Bills, @Bucs. Verdict: Do-able, especially if Matt Ryan can come back sooner than later. But the Jets seem intent on starting Matt Sanchez, so it might not matter - I'll actually take Chris Redman over Sanchez this weekend.

2) The Giants lose two of their remaining three games, @Redskins, vs. Panthers, @Vikings. Verdict: Wish we could reverse that. Minnesota will likely sit their starters in Week 17, but hell, Tarvaris Jackson could beat Eli Manning. This could easily happen.

3) The Cowboys lose their last three games, @Saints, @Redskins, vs. Eagles. Verdict: Are you kidding? Money in the bank. This is the least of the Falcons' worries.

The picks:

Indianapolis (-3) @ Jacksonville. The only reason I want the Jaguars to make the postseason isn't exactly a noble one. I'm just dying to see a playoff game that isn't sold out, and the NFL's resulting spin will be delicious. PICK: Indianapolis

Dallas @ New Orleans (-7 1/2). There isn't any strong belief 'round these parts that Atlanta gets to the playoffs, but I think hope remain alive after this weekend - meaning the Saints keep their undefeated season alive. And thus, let's lay the law now: ZERO Katrina jokes for the next four days. These are the miles I'm willing to travel for a playoff spot, and I doubt you realize the extent of the sacrifice. PICK: New Orleans

New England (-7) @ Buffalo. But it would be just like the Saints to lose the one game I want them to win. Those jagoffs deserved to get flooded. Oh, shit. Flooded with love! FLOODED WITH COMPASSION! PICK: New England

Arizona (-12) @ Detroit. PICK: Arizona

Miami @ Tennessee (-4). "Mel Gibson will direct and Leonardo DiCaprio will star in an untitled period drama about Viking culture." I woke up Tuesday and assumed I had just dreamed such awesomeness. But nope, it's real, and written by the guy responsible for The Departed. Ultraviolent Viking mayhem, Gibson-style? SIGN ME UP. Expendables aside, will there be a better movie in the next 100 years? Doubtful. PICK: Miami

Cleveland @ Kansas City (-2). PICK: Cleveland

Houston (-13) @ St. Louis. PICK: Houston

Atlanta @ NY Jets (-6). In Sports Illustrated this week: "The Falcons aren't dead, but they need three wins and the continued collapse of the Cowboys and Giants. It's not implausible when you look at the schedule. The lynchpin for everything in Atlanta is finding a way to win at the Jets this week. If they Falcons get that one, the rest might just fall like dominoes." I DON'T NEED THE ENCOURAGEMENT. PICK: Atlanta

San Francisco @ Philadelphia (-9). Please, Atlanta has a great shot this weekend. Just look at the short list of players who either had limited participation in Wednesday's practice or didn't take the field at all: John Abraham, Jamaal Anderson, Jonathan Babineaux, Sam Baker, Harvey Dahl, Chris Houston, Todd McClure, Matt Ryan, Will Svitek, Michael Turner and Roddy White. No big names on there, nope. PICK: San Francisco

Chicago @ Baltimore (-11). Color me devastated. Movie Tavern, an alcohol-serving theater chain that gets 99% of my film-going business, introduced "Retro Cinema" last month. Each week, they play a different "classic," letting people see their old favorites on the big screen again. Well, this week, they're playing Die Hard - which I've never seen in a theater. And in the most predictable happening of 2009, they're not doing "Retro Cinema" at their Georgia locations. The closest showing is in Lexington, KY - and don't think for a second I haven't thought about a road trip. Anybody want to split the gas with me? PICK: Chicago

Oakland @ Denver (-14). And your starting quarterback for the Oakland Raiders, Charlie Frye! No, really - just two years after drafting JaMarcus Russell with the first overall pick, the Raiders are starting CHARLIE FRYE. And Russell is healthy! Ryan Leaf is cracking his first smile in 10 years today, knowing that he finally has a partner in the "biggest bust ever" conversation. PICK: Denver

Green Bay @ Pittsburgh (PICK). Oh wow, look at these numbers. Let's compare Russell's third year in the NFL (this year) to Leaf's third year (2000). Games started: Russell 9, Leaf 9. Completion percentage: Russell 48%, Leaf 50%. Yards: Russell 1,138, Leaf 1,883. Touchdowns: Russell 2, Leaf 11. Interceptions: Russell 10, Leaf 18 (Leaf had over 100 more attempts). Sacks: Russell 30, Leaf 31. QB rating: Russell 47.7, Leaf 56.2. Are we ready to put a new face on the Bust Hall of Fame? PICK: Pittsburgh

Cincinnati @ San Diego (-6 1/2). So I almost changed this pick to Cincinnati after Chris Henry died this morning. Could the Bengals show up with more to play for? Perhaps, but when Sean Taylor died in 2007, Washington's next game was a sloppy loss to the Bills (after that, they tore off a four-game winning streak). The stories aren't exactly parallel - Taylor was certainly a more productive player, more beloved by fans, and I assume players as well. All I know is I wouldn't touch this game as a gambler. There's no telling how a team reacts to something like that. PICK: San Diego

Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-6 1/2). PICK: Seattle

Minnesota (-9) @ Carolina. PICK: Carolina

NY Giants (-3) @ Washington. Yeah, if you didn't pick up on it, I'm a huge Redskins fan the rest of the way. Not only do I need them to take care of the Giants and Cowboys for us, I'm actually starting Jason Campbell in my fantasy league this week. So yes, it's gotten to that point. Matt Ryan is likely on the bench, Carson Palmer is facing the Chargers - I mean, it's my logical choice, right? At home against a porous Giants secondary? OH GOD, WHAT AM I DOING?PICK: Washington

Last week: 8-8-0
Overall: 109-98-1

"I Am wearing wildcats!"

2009-12-15T17:44:00.001-05:00

The power of the internet is staggering. Re: "Wildcats" in the previous post.

In today's edition of "No Really, Josh Is Straight"

2009-12-15T07:30:00.002-05:00

I work with my dad, and we might move to a new office soon - his first such location change since 1981. Over the past few days, he's begun the arduous task of cleaning out closets, drawers, cabinets, etc. Among other things, he's uncovered awards given in 1988 (still in their original wrapping), AJC sports pages from 1992, and certain mementos from my childhood.

Like this one. Presumably drawn in 1982 or '83, either kindergarten or first grade.

Note the hook about to pull me off. I was quite a funny, detail-oriented little fag.

And there's cute ol' prancey ol' Josh, dreamin' about bein' in a fashion show. Again.

In my defense, I remember Briarlake Elementary having a fashion show, and some local store outfitting a group of us in the latest Member's Only duds. So at least I can hope this drawing coincided with that. Sadly, though, I recall loving every minute of it. I strutted onto that stage, preening in my Wildcats, whatever the hell those were, and nodding my immaculately-sheared bowl cut for all to see. And that, paired with my then-concurrent love of theater and MY GOD THAT LISP.

Did you know I love boobs? Because I do. LOVE BOOBS. That's me, Boob Lover. Believe you me. BOOOOOOOBS.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Fourteen

2009-12-11T13:00:00.006-05:00

Nutshell, and all that.

Let's do it to it, shall we?

The picks:

Denver @ Indianapolis (-7). PICK: Denver

Cincinnati @ Minnesota (-6 1/2). The fantasy football season is drawing to a close, and I'm in the middle of a pack jostling for playoff position. If I win out, I'm in - and it's up to Carson Palmer to make that happen. I dropped Jay Cutler after weeks of him playing like hot ass, and my trade for Matt Ryan isn't exactly paying dividends. So it's Palmer, who despite his team's winning ways, has not lit up the stat board. So go Cincinnati, go Carson, and go Hachi Go. (I love that guy). PICK: Cincinnati

New Orleans (-10 1/2) @ Atlanta. Well, those season tickets were $1,000 well spent, huh? Not that I'm really complaining - I'll certainly do it again next year - but it's safe to say the season hasn't gone as swimmingly as I'd imagined. In fact, I decided I could use $170 more than a sure-to-be-long day at the Dome, so a nice North Carolinian will be occupying my seats on Sunday (thanks eBay!). I'll be back for the home finale against Buffalo, but probably only because that opponent won't command the same coin. PICK: New Orleans

NY Jets (-3) @ Tampa Bay. Typically, I'll wait for a TV show to hit its one-year birthday before I watch it. There's no point in starting from day one, because you can easily get burned by an early cancellation - I still feel the sting of 1989's "Nightingales," which was abruptly ended just after Samantha's daughter got kidnapped! No resolution! Three burning questions still haunt me: who nabbed little Megan, why was a 13-year-old me watching a nighttime soap about nurses, and how did I turn out heterosexual? Secondly, and almost as important, a year's worth of word-of-mouth can tell you if a show is worth jumping into. I mean, even if "According to Jim" is renewed, is it really something you want spend hours on? Anyway, this year I went against my moral code, and jumped in feet-first with two new shows: "Flashforward" and "V." And the scorching that soon followed wasn't because either faced cancellation (they don't), but because both sucked dick. Total godawful crap, the both of 'em. I made it through four torturous hours of the former, and only two of the latter. And thus, my former rule of "don't watch until after the first season" was reinforced ... PICK: NY Jets

Buffalo @ Kansas City (PICK). ... for about three weeks. Because we're not even at the midseason point, and I fell prey to the "Modern Family" hype. I've absorbed the first eight episodes over the past two nights, and am approaching addiction. So far, it's proving to have the highest laugh-out-loud-to-minutes ratio of any show since "Arrested Development" ("30 Rock" and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" are close behind). The show is about 95% perfection - they do need to tone down the Phil character; one Michael Scott is already too many - and I hear the chances of a rug-being-pulled-out cancellation is next to nothing. I'm onboard. PICK: Buffalo

Green Bay (-3) @ Chicago. PICK: Green Bay

Detroit @ Baltimore (-13 1/2). PICK: Detroit

Miami @ Jacksonville (-2). So a few weeks ago, my face broke out in a teenager-style rash, which didn't seem to go away after using every over-the-counter medication I could get my hands on. I hadn't changed soaps, shaving cream, shampoos, hair stuff, anything - so an allergic reaction was ruled out. Finally, I went to a dermatologist for the first time since I was 17, and she was stumped as well. But the prescription cream I got did the trick overnight, and my face was actually better than it had been previous. A couple times since, I've woken up with the same problem, and again, one night of medicine clears everything up. Well finally, on Monday, I figured it out. And I'm trying to cope with this, because it's sad. Hold on, give me a minute. PICK: Miami

Carolina @ New England (-13 1/2). I think - um, no, not ready yet. PICK: Carolina

Seattle @ Houston (-6 1/2). Whew, ok. Here goes. I think, I really think, I really really think, I might be allergic to liquor. Since I started drinking, the quickest way to diagnose my inebriation has been my face. Once over the legal limit, I've been known to turn beet red - which, of course, is the blood rushing to my face or some such thing. Well, after I had a few drinks at last Sunday's Falcons game, I woke up on Monday with the breakout in full effect. So I'm thinking my body is having a sudden, never-before-seen reaction to the redface problem (so yeah, it might not be a liquor allergy, but a reaction to what the liquor does; whatever, still sucks). Needless to say, this requires experimentation. Much like I diagnosed my lactose intolerance with a series of cereal with milk/cereal without milk/chocolate milk/ice cream/cheese tests over the course of a couple weeks, I'm settling this issue starting tonight. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since last weekend (no breakouts), but once safely in the confines of my own house tonight, I'm getting tanked on Beam. When I wake up tomorrow, my face will tell the tale. And I'll be sure to report. PICK: Houston

St. Louis @ Tennessee (-13). What can I say? I'm a scientist. PICK: St. Louis

Washington (-1) @ Oakland. A quick diversion to Serioustown, sorry. Here's an interesting story from Canada's Financial Post, arguing the rest of the world should adopt China's "one child only" policy. Now I don't agree with that - I'd never give any government the power to make that edict - but it does address what I believe to be the biggest problem we're facing (and one that is woefully unaddressed). Our population numbers are spiraling out of control, particularly with people who can't afford to take care of their children. There are ever-expanding families out there, completely dependent on taxpayers - and we only encourage it with additional benefits. You can trace all of our recent financial problems back to that one issue, but we're more concerned with vilifying the evil rich and throwing tea parties. Like I said, "one child only" is not a viable alternative, but read those numbers and you'll realize we need to come up with something. PICK: Washington

San Diego @ Dallas (-3). Should the Falcons pull off a miracle on Sunday, this game becomes a must-see. PICK: San Diego

Philadelphia @ NY Giants (-1). Should the Falcons pull off a miracle on Sunday, this game - ah, fuck it. PICK: NY Giants

Arizona (-3) @ San Francisco. PICK: Arizona

Last week: 6-10-0
Overall:101-91-1 (including last night's game)

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Fourteen - Thursday Night Special

2009-12-10T15:16:00.004-05:00

Attention, Martians Attacking Indianapolis fans - your cries have been heard, and we're going multimedia. For one night, at least. Around 6:40 tonight, I will be broadcasting my saucy pipes on Connecticut radio.

Yes, that's what I said. Connecticut radio. Assumed topics: life, love, Aztec architecture and its effects on today's orthodontists, and maybe movies. Mostly movies, probably.

So tune in and have your world sufficiently rocked. Or smooth-jazzed. I don't know the format.

The Thursday night pick:

Pittsburgh (-10) @ Cleveland. I had two chances of personally witnessing an NFL playoff game this year. One, the Falcons win the division and have a game at the Georgia Dome. Even I'm admitting that ain't happening. Two, Pittsburgh does what they usually do and gets a home playoff matchup. A buddy's girlfriend has season ticket connections up there, and apparently a plane ticket would be my only big expenditure. Well, thanks to last week's Steelers implosion against the Raiders, that ain't happenin' either. Double farts. PICK: Pittsburgh

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Thirteen

2009-12-04T12:00:00.003-05:00

Matt Ryan out with turf toe. Michael Turner suffering a high ankle sprain. Jerious Norwood still favoring his hip. And the Eagles coming to town.

No, I'm cool. What, a cigarette? Never actually smoked one bef - fffft. Oh, wow, that is nice. Fffft. I see the draw. Fffft. Ok, where was I? Vick back in town. O-line banged up with Chris Redman starting. McNabb healthy. Playoffs on the line. Winning season on the line.

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

The picks:

Denver (-5) @ Kansas City. PICK: Denver

Houston @ Jacksonville (PICK). I was down in Jacksonville over Thanksgiving, and my uncle began talking about the Jags' playoff chances. Maybe the snicker was audible, but he suddenly got defensive. They can be great on certain days, a winnable schedule the rest of the way, three straight wins, etc. And then it hit me - he was serious. Sure enough, I soon realized the Jaguars actually have a winning record! Were you told about this? I follow the NFL pretty closely, but would have guessed they were 3-8 if asked a few days ago. Jacksonville would actually be in the playoffs if the season ended today! What the hell. PICK: Jacksonville (obviously)

Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-6 1/2). Game of the week, I guess, but we've entered the part of the season where I lose all interest in the AFC. It's all about Atlanta's playoff race now, and this game doesn't affect anything. PICK: Tennessee

Oakland @ Pittsburgh (-14 1/2). PICK: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia (-5 1/2) @ Atlanta. So Michael Vick returns to the Georgia Dome, in a game I began freaking about 15 seconds after the Eagles acquired him. Now that we're here, just two days away, that's an angle I couldn't care less about. Obviously Vick's invisibility thus far plays a major part, as there's little chance he affects the game's outcome. But I just don't see him adding any electricity to the atmosphere - some people will cheer, some people will boo, but I'm willing to bet 70%+ just sits on their hands with indifference. For most Falcons fans, the important issue is the actual game, rife with playoff implications. The team's two marquee players - Matt Ryan and Michael Turner - will be on the bench, but so will some of Philly's biggest names (Brian Westbrook and Desean Jackson). I've read some fans practically calling this a not-a-chance matchup, but that's foolish. McNabb does ok, Vick does a little more than usual, but Falcons win. PICK: Atlanta

Detroit @ Cincinnati (-13). So my question: When I get to my Falcons seats on Sunday afternoon, will I have to step over the strewn-about bodies of still-schnockered Tide and Gator fans? I certainly would not want the task of cleaning up the Georgia Dome between Saturday night and Sunday morning. As my dad used to say, "That's why you go to college. You dickhead." PICK: Detroit

New Orleans (-9 1/2) @ Washington. That whole "Falcons will win the NFC South" thing I said a few months ago? About that. PICK: New Orleans

Tampa Bay @ Carolina (-5 1/2). Well, thanks to Stanicek for sending me this link, and causing me to waste my entire morning compiling my "Best Movies of the Decade" list. I'm sure I will be slapping it up here at some point over the next month, but now comes the unenviable task of editing myself. My initial scribblings produced almost 100 titles, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to do that much work. So 50 best? Thirty best? And do I put Rambo as high as I think I want to (it's already my most rewatched movie of the decade)? THE DECISIONS. PICK: Tampa Bay

St. Louis @ Chicago (-9). So obviously, I have been following the lazily-named "Climategate" scandal with great interest. I'm one of those dastardly deniers, and am thrilled the rest of the world is beginning to wake up. And while the leaked e-mails' importance is arguable, they have proven one thing beyond a doubt: "global warming" is most definitely a political issue, not an environmental one. Because if you truly believe man is making the planet warmer and this will lead to catastrophe, wouldn't you treat these e-mails as good news? You know, like, maybe this awful stuff isn't happening after all? What I've heard from the warming faithful, though, is gnashing, disbelief and anger. It's like learning you don't actually have cancer, and getting angry about it. "But doctor, you told me I was dying, and I believed it! Dammit!" PICK: St. Louis

San Diego (-13 1/2) @ Cleveland. PICK: San Diego

San Francisco @ Seattle (PICK). Awesome. Oh, and completely frightening and gross. PICK: San Francisco

Dallas (-2 1/2) @ NY Giants. Whoever loses, Atlanta wins. PICK: NY Giants

New England (-4) @ Miami. PICK: Miami

Minnesota (-3) @ Arizona. NBC "flexed" Vikings-Cards into its Sunday night broadcast two weeks ago, meaning they punted their original game and brought in a more ratings-friendly one. And yeah, Favre - I know. But this game is between two mostly-cemented division winners, and holds next to no drama. At least not nearly as much - and you knew this was coming - as the Falcons-Eagles game! Real playoff implications, seasons on the line, Vick back in Atlanta, but we have to cowtow to #4 and all. I hate that guy. PICK: Minnesota

Baltimore @ Green Bay (-3). PICK: Baltimore

Last week: 6-10-0
Overall: 95-80-1

Aiding and A'Betting: Week 13 (Thursday)

2009-12-03T18:39:00.003-05:00

Oh man, I just haven't been able to focus on the rest of the NFL schedule. I mean, look at this matchup!

The picks:

NY Jets (-3) vs. Buffalo. The Jets! The Bills! Thursday night football! From Toronto! THIS IS AS CLOSE TO THE MEANING OF LIFE AS WE GET, FOLKS. PICK: Buffalo

Quarter Back: November 1984

2009-12-02T08:00:00.002-05:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

Wait, the calendar still says November, right?

As stated above, I choose two movies to feature every month - one I've seen, one I haven't. I enjoy the selection process, because certain titles always jump out; something I've always wanted to see, something I haven't thought about in years.

Most of the time.

Ladies and gentlemen, November 1984 was not a great month at the movies. Sure, a horror franchise for the ages was born (no, not Silent Night, Deadly Night), but as you'll see below, the selection was sparse. And so two Netflix DVDs sat on my TV for weeks, until I practically willed myself to watch them.

That's why the November entry is showing up on December 2nd. Because watching these two movies were blog homework, and I hate homework.

Featured Movies

No Small Affair
Seen it before?: No.
Release date: November 9, 1984
Actors: Jon Cryer, Demi Moore, Tim Robbins
Director: Jerry Schatzberg (The Panic In Needle Park, Street Smart)
Box office: $5.0 million (#111 in 1984)

No Small Affair was a teen film trying to be all things to all people, wedging itself between two early '80s genre types: "profane titty comedy" (Porky's, Private School) and "thoughtful mediation on being a teenager, but also with titties" (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Risky Business). And as usual, when you try to do two things with equal grace, you end up failing at both.

Jon Cryer plays a thoroughly unlikable kid who takes pictures of boats, trash cans, sidewalks, or whatever dumbass thing to express his inner angst. Think Wes Bentley's American Beauty character, but uglier and thus more prone to ridicule. On one of his photo-taking excursions, he accidentally snaps a picture of wayward musician Demi Moore and falls in lust. Then it's a wacky stalkerish adventure to find the mystery girl and, I don't know, act awkward around her or something.

Spoiler alert: They end up having sex in the single most unconvincing "these two people would have sex" scene in movie history. And all we get is Demi's side boob. Mid-eighties, and just side boob. This movie sucked. Grade: D

Missing in Action
Seen it before?: At some point, but it's blending together with the sequels.
Release date: November 16, 1984
Actors: Chuck Norris, M. Emmet Walsh
Director: Joseph Zito (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Invasion U.S.A.)
Box office: $22.8 million (#46 in 1984)

This column has finally taught me something.

In the back of my mind, I'd always assumed Missing In Action was a ripoff of Rambo: First Blood Part II. Muscle-bound vets go back to 'Nam and free their brothers-in-arms. However, this Chuck Norris film showed up in November '84, while Stallone's wasn't released until May '85. Well, how about that. (However, this doesn't change that Missing In Action's poster clearly apes First Blood's - I mean, they're holding THE EXACT SAME GUN).

Anyway, yeah, so that's the story. Norris is Colonel James Braddock, home after a 10-year stint as a Vietnam prisoner of war. After an hour of talky, boring scenes, he heads back into the jungle to bring his boys home. Or something. I don't know, I already forgot - but don't blame me, I watched the movie last night.

Looking over Norris's iMDB profile, I'm surprised I've never seen one of his movies, other than this, or maybe its first sequel. Even as a kid, I wasn't a fan of cheap-o action flicks where a guy would take on 100 armed dudes and never get shot (Commando is an exception to this rule). It rang stupid then, it rings stupid now - and Missing in Action is very, very stupid.

A weird bit of trivia: this was actually filmed AFTER 1985's Missing in Action 2: The Beginning. However, the producers realized Missing in Action was the superior film, so they released it first and made the other one a prequel. So yes, knowing this is the "better" film means I won't be revisiting this series again any time soon. Grade: D

Other films 25 years old this month:

Falling in Love - When I was a kid, I remember looking at certain movies and thinking, "What kind of person would want to see that?" Agnes of God. A Passage to India. Two of a Kind. This Robert De Niro/Meryl Streep romance was on that short list, and I swear, 25 years later I still can't see the draw. And as it's probably the least remembered film of their respective careers, I can't imagine it being any good.

Just the Way You Are - Kristy McNichol, in what would be her last lead role, plays a handicapped girl who finds love on the ski slopes. So yeah, add this to the "what kind of person would want to see that" list.

The Killing Fields - This true story about a New York Times journalist in Cambodia was almost my "never seen it" selection for the month, but I wasn't crazy about watching a heavy 2.5-hour drama. Turns out it would have been less depressing than No Small Affair.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - It's truly bizarre that movies from my childhood are already being remade. A brand new Nightmare - not a sequel, but a redo of the original - hits theaters on 4/10/10. At least they're not remaking Falling in Love with Dane Cook and Drew Barrymore.

Night of the Comet - Saw this a number of times back in the day, and remember liking it - two high school girls survive when 99.999% of the human race is wiped out by Halley's Comet (seriously). They have to battle cannibal zombies and evil scientists, in-between trips to the now-barren mall. I'm afraid to revisit this one, in case it's not as 100% awesome as I remember.

Oh God, You Devil! - George Burns stars in this third and final Oh God! film (until next year's Wilford Brimley-starring remake, which would rule if I hadn't made it up). In this one, Burns plays - get this - God and the Devil. What will those crazy Hollywood folk come up with next?

Razorback - Never heard of this one. According to imdb: "A wild, vicious pig terrorizes the Australian outback." Notable, I guess, as the feature debut of director Russell Mulcahy, who would go on to helm such classics as Highlander, Highlander II: The Quickening and The Shadow.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - A department store Santa goes on an axe-wielding murder spree. You know, maybe I was too hard on November '84. And would the original title - Slay Ride - have been even better?

Supergirl - Ah, the curse of heightened expectations. The poster (which inexplicably reverses the Statue of Liberty) promises this to be her "first" adventure - which, I guess, is technically true but not what they were intending. In fact, Helen Slater's turn in the red cape would be her one-and-only outing, and helped kill the already decaying '80s Superman franchise. This, however, was not as bad as the worst movie ever made.

Quarter Back: October 1984
Quarter Back: September 1984
Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Twelve

2009-11-25T10:00:00.003-05:00

I'm putting a picture of the new A-Team here for no reason, other than it's awesome. Yes, that's Liam Neeson as Hannibal (along with Bradley Cooper, some MMA fighter who looks the part, and the guy from District 9 as Murdock). In theaters 06/11/2010. Click to embiggenfy.

Oh Thanksgiving, you pesky bastard.

As I have for the past 33 late November holidays, I'll be driving south. Florida is always the destination, though the particular city revolves between my mom and her two sisters. One year: Jacksonville. The next year: Melrose (think Gainesville). The next year: Palatka (think Mayberry on meth). And Jax is where I'm headed as you quickly skim this. It's not quite the same as Georgia-Florida football weekend, when the city's average age is roughly 19. I'd guess it will be around 68 over the next few days, so no trips to The Landing for me. Bingo, maybe.

The picks:

Green Bay (-11) @ Detroit. It's my annual Thanksgiving ritual: go to Florida, eat some ham and mashed potatoes with mustard (turkey is too dry), drink some beer, curse the NFL for not ending Detroit's stranglehold on Thanksgiving, watch a boring Lions game. For some godawful reason, the Lions always take the field on Turkey Day, and they haven't given us a compelling game in quite awhile. And, of course, a few days after I become interested in the Lions for the first time EVER, the reason I'm interested will be standing on the sideline. Happy Thanksgiving. PICK: Detroit

Oakland @ Dallas (-13 1/2). Hell, the Cowboys - the other regular Thanksgiving team - haven't been much better in recent years. And what was the NFL thinking pairing them with Oakland on the national stage? Great, so we're stuck with two day games with double-digit spreads, bound to only raise the pulse of douchenuts (namely, Cowboys and Raiders fans) nationwide. PICK: Oakland

NY Giants (-7) @ Denver. Thanksgiving night does give us a halfway interesting matchup, but only for the purpose of rooting against New York. Hell, Falcons fans have a legitimate interest in all three games (boo Packers, boo Cowboys, boo Giants), but this seems to be the only realistic shot at gaining playoff ground. But a realistic weak shot. PICK: New York

Indianapolis (-3) @ Houston. PICK: Indianapolis

Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-14). Not that anybody really reads this blog anymore - month-long dry spells will do that to a nice guy - but the world has missed two of The Great Headlines Of All Time this week. Seriously, "Staff infectious" and "Ginger ailing" would have easily gotten me a Society of Professional Journalists award, or whatever the hell that thing I won in college was. (Wait, did I win? Or get honorable mention or second place or something? I don't remember.) Anyway, my hilarity knows no bounds. Or so I keep telling myself in this grand echo chamber. PICK: Cleveland

Chicago @ Minnesota (-10 1/2). PICK: Chicago

Washington @ Philadelphia (-9). Oh, I got so close that Redskins-over-Cowboys upset prediction last week. So close. If only Washington didn't, you know, suck. PICK: Washington

Miami (-3) @ Buffalo. PICK: Miami

Seattle (-3) @ St. Louis. Man, I almost had a great storyline here. Last week, I whined about all three aspects of my NFL season going down the drain: real team (Falcons), fantasy team (Berman Stroke Hopers), picks record (11-18 over the previous two weeks). Well, the BSHs rallied under pressure, winning by 53 points. And as you can see below, I had my best 2009 week against the spread. Only, if only, Jason Elam could kick a field goal or Michael Jenkins could catch a ball, I'd be completely rejuvenated. PICK: St. Louis

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-12). Alright, here we are folks - I'm picking against Atlanta. Now don't mistake this for me being down on the team. Actually, I'm probably one of the more positive Falcons fans out there, as I put the chances of playoffs at a bit over 50%. But Atlanta is banged up, coming off a long road trip, and has a suddenly unreliable kicker. I don't see a problem winning, but the spread is too high. PICK: Tampa Bay

Carolina @ NY Jets (-3). This one might break interception records. PICK: Carolina

Jacksonville @ San Francisco (-3). PICK: Jacksonville

Arizona @ Tennessee (PICK). PICK: Tennessee

Kansas City @ San Diego (-13 1/2). PICK: Kansas City

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (PICK). PICK: Baltimore

New England @ New Orleans (-3). As much as it pains me to say, this is the regular season game of the year. But really, that doesn't hurt nearly as much as this will: "G-g-g-go. Go P-P-Patr-Pat-Patrio-Patriots." Ugh, I need to take a bath. Somebody get me lye and hydrochloric acid. PICK: New England

Last week: 11-4-0
Overall: 89-70-1

Staff infectious

2009-11-24T12:00:00.001-05:00

I was fairly non-plussed about Matthew Stafford during his UGA days. A search of this blog reveals very few pre-draft mentions, which basically means I didn't have anything negative to say, but wasn't overflowing with reverence either (and also that I'm not about to write significantly about college football, considering the plethora of more-informed voices). I just felt he saw Georgia as an annoying bump on his path to the NFL, and probably docked him a few points for it.

Of course, if that was the way he felt, it's hard to argue with now. Especially as of November 22nd around 4 p.m., when I officially became a Matthew Stafford fan. He really performed a miracle, and I'm not even talking about the literal last-second heroics. He actually made me care about another football game, just minutes after having my psyche destroyed by a Falcons overtime loss. There I was, pitcher almost empty, wallowing, wallowing, wallowing - and suddenly caring about two 1-8 teams crossing the finish line.

If you haven't seen the highlights, check them out here.

And let Peter King tell it:

An injured player who leaves the field has to sit for at least one play -- unless there is a charged timeout by either team. Stafford knew. And he immediately began trying to get up, but the doctors kept telling him, basically, to hold on, hoss -- he wasn't authorized to go back in. But Stafford got up and weaved his way onto the field, telling offensive coordinator Scott Linehan to call a pass play if he wanted, because he had one play left in him.

"Only one,'' Stafford said. "But I knew I had one. I had the adrenalin going.'' He jogged onto the field and Culpepper jogged back off.

Meanwhile, Schwartz hollered at his medical staff: "Is he good to go?'' And one of the doctors said no, and Schwartz asked what was wrong, and the doc said he didn't know because they hadn't had time to examine him yet.

"The kid put himself back in the game,'' Schwartz said.

Lord knows what the Browns thought the wounded Stafford would call, but tight end Brandon Pettigrew, a fellow first-round pick in 2009, ran a short square-in at the back of the end zone, and Stafford flicked it to him. Ballgame.

"His best play wasn't the last play, or the second-to-last,'' Schwartz told me. "His best play was eluding four of our medical guys to get back onto the field.''

Now reports show Stafford was suffering a separated shoulder during that last play, which puts him squarely in crazy-as-Mel-Gibson-in-Lethal-Weapon-2 territory. Not a bad place to be.

Ginger ailing

2009-11-23T08:32:00.003-05:00

I'm really struggling with this one.

Laugh, don't laugh. To laugh, not to laugh. It's awful, but dammit, it's funny.

Any direction would be greatly appreciated.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Eleven - Episode II

2009-11-20T14:00:00.003-05:00

The wheels are coming off. And sadly, I'm not sure which part of my NFL season that refers to.

There's my actual team, the Atlanta Falcons. Even though I predicted them to be 5-4 at this point, I'm still disturbed they're actually 5-4. While 2008 was light on injuries, the team has been smashed this year. First and second round picks Peria Jerry and William Moore: out for the season. Scorching receiver Harry Douglas: out for the season. RB Michael Turner is, of course, out anywhere from a game to the rest of the year, while position mate Jerious Norwood has already missed a month. And this week's injury report reads like a Who's Who of the Falcons: Turner, Norwood, Brian Finneran, Erik Coleman, Roddy White.

Unfortunately, another team has been battling similar injury issues: The Berman Stroke Hopers, my fantasy squad. Leading tackler D'Qwell Jackson and running back Ronnie Brown, done for the year (Brown hurts especially bad, as I just traded for him just two weeks ago). RB Brian Westbrook and DE Terrell Suggs are likely on the shelf, as well. Jay Cutler isn't technically hurt, but he's playing like a paraplegic. Now I'm still in second place, because I kick ass, but I simply pine for what might have been. But I did just trade for Matt Ryan, which couldn't possibly be heart over head.

And finally, my dream season of picking games is crumbling around me. Just two weeks ago, I was batting .582 - enough to scare any casino. Alas, with an 11-18 record over the past 14 days, I'm on a downward spiral. I mean, .541 ain't the direction I want to be going in. This might be my last chance to plug holes before going under.

The picks:

Buffalo @ Jacksonville (-8 1/2). The football equivalent of Tylenol PM. PICK: Jacksonville

Cleveland @ Detroit (-3 1/2). Mohamed Massaquoi vs. Matthew Stafford. So at least UGA fans have something to pay attention to, even if nobody else does. PICK: Detroit

Indianapolis (-1) @ Baltimore. Captain Obvious alert: Peyton Manning is nasty good. I mean, he should win two MVPs this year - the Colts are 9-0, but very honestly could be 1-8 without him. I can't think of another player - ever - who has been more singularly valuable to a team. Of course, Falcons/Giants is my game of the week, but I'm really, really looking forward to this one as well. PICK: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh (-10) @ Kansas City. PICK: Kansas City

San Francisco @ Green Bay (-6 1/2). So I did get a good 10 seconds of face time with Stephen King last week, exchanging partial sentences and a handshake. He was in town for a book signing, and I only had to wait four short hours for him to scribble his name on the title page. WORTH IT. And hey, we even took a picture together!

Sort of. (I would have smiled, but didn't think my handheld-while-walking iPhone picture would even work that well). PICK: Green Bay

Seattle @ Minnesota (-10 1/2). PICK: Minnesota

Atlanta @ NY Giants (-7). When I was a college freshman, and far more interested in being respectable than I am now, I spent Sunday nights in Christian surroundings - at church, at fellowship, at Bible study, etc. A number of years later, a friend recalled she would avoid me if the Falcons had lost that day (and in 1994, that was quite a lot). Apparently I couldn't just shrug off the disappointment, and tended to carry it around for a few hours afterward, extending the misery to those around me. Well, I hadn't thought of that in a long time, until last Sunday. When the game was obviously lost for the Falcons, Maya announced her Sunday night plans - or at least, what she wasn't doing that night. "I'm not hanging out with Josh. He'll be in a bad mood the rest of the night." It's nice to know I've matured over the years. PICK: Atlanta

Washington @ Dallas (-11). Perhaps it's the liquor talking (it is after 12!), but a distinctive "upset" odor emanates from this one. No, it's probably the liquor. PICK: Washington

New Orleans (-11) @ Tampa Bay. One of my co-workers is a very sweet older woman, a regular churchgoer, and about one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. She always makes sure to ask me about my weekend football plans, even though I'm certain she couldn't care less. But today she surprised me a bit when, in her sweet southern lilt, she says, "Lord, I hope somebody just beats the shit out of the Saints." She's awesome. PICK: New Orleans

Arizona (-9) @ St. Louis. PICK: St. Louis

NY Jets @ New England (-10). Know how I know you're hardcore? You steal an idea from Fight Club, and make Tyler Durden look like a pussy in the process. Seriously: "Mejia said Castillejos recounted how the gang cut off its victims' heads, arms and legs, removed the organs, then suspended the torsos from hooks above candles that warmed the flesh as fat dripped into tubs below." I want to see a list of that club's rules. PICK: New England

San Diego (-3) @ Denver. At what point does a still-alive Andy Kaufman pop out from behind a curtain and go, "No, really you guys - we're just fucking with you." PICK: San Diego

Cincinnati (-9) @ Oakland. So as mentioned above, I traded for Matt Ryan this week - leaving me with Ryan, Carson Palmer and Jay Cutler on my roster. Obviously, Cutler is dead to me. And I know I should be starting Palmer this week against the Raiders - but I really want to start Ryan. Head or heart. Head or heart. Head or heart. PICK: Cincinnati

Philadelphia (-3) @ Chicago. We all know the answer to that one. Because I'm an idiot. PICK: Philadelphia

Tennessee @ Houston (-4 1/2). For the second week in a row, ESPN has gotten cutesy with their Monday Night Football selection, and come up with a less-than-stellar game. It was Browns @ Ravens last week. Browns vs. old Browns - get it!? Now we get Old Oilers vs. Team That Plays in the Oilers' Old City! Well, the MNF ship will certainly be righted next week with New England in New Orleans (oh, that sounds a little cutesy in itself). PICK: Tennessee

Last week: 6-10-0 (including last night's game)
Overall: 78-66-1

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Eleven - Episode I

2009-11-19T14:57:00.002-05:00

Thursday night football means the pick column needs to be done early - and I just plum forgot. Here's tonight's game, though, because I know you'd go into the shakes without it.

The pick:

Miami @ Carolina (-3). Hate it. No Ronnie Brown, so no fantasy interest. And I'm not betting on it, because if I were I'd bet on Carolina, and I don't want to root for Carolina. So dammit - I'm actually going to watch this for the love of the game? BORING. (Go Miami.) PICK: Carolina

Lunch at McDonalds

2009-11-19T12:00:00.013-05:00

INT. MCDONALDS - EARLY AFTERNOON
The lunch rush is just beginning, and a lone CASHIER stands behind the counter. As another customer steps away, JOSH approaches the counter.

CASHIER
Welcome to McDonald's. How can I help you?

Josh produces a one dollar bill from his pocket, and holds it up.

JOSH
What can I get with this?

The cashier smiles.

CASHIER
How about a crispy, juicy chicken with all the
amenities, in an irresistible classic known
fondly as the McChicken?

Josh looks interested.

CASHIER
Or how about two sizzling, 100% pure all beef
patties, in an irresistible classic known fondly
as the double cheeseburger? Huhhhh?

JOSH
Wow, those both sound good. I'll take
the double cheeseburger.

CASHIER
Excellent choice. That'll be $1.07.

Josh pauses.

JOSH
Wait. What?

CASHIER
$1.07.

JOSH
What about the dollar, though?

CASHIER
Yes sir, $1.07.

JOSH
No, all I have is a dollar. What I just showed you.

CASHIER
Right.

JOSH
I don't have any change. Just the dollar.

CASHIER
You're in luck, because the double cheeseburger
is on our dollar menu! With all the amenities!

JOSH
So the dollar is good?

CASHIER
You're good to go!

JOSH
Oh, ok. Whatever. Here.

Josh hands the cashier the dollar.

CASHIER
$1.07.

JOSH
What? I just held up this dollar, asked you
what I could get for it, and you said the
double cheeseburger.

CASHIER
With all the amenities.

JOSH
But then you told me $1.07.

CASHIER
Right. Well, you know, tax.

JOSH
But no, back up. I said "What can I get for this,"
held up my single dollar bill, and you said I could
get the double cheeseburger.

CASHIER
Right.

JOSH
But now you're telling me that won't be enough.

CASHIER
It's on our dollar menu.

JOSH
I don't care what goddamn menu it's on. I
asked you a simple question.

CASHIER
Yes, you said you wanted two sizzling, 100% pure
all beef patties, in an irresistible classic known
fondly as the double cheeseburger.

JOSH
No, you said all that faggy shit. I
just said I want a double cheeseburger.
How much do I owe you for it?

CASHIER
$1.07.

JOSH
Let me ask you this. Is $1.07 more or less than
the dollar that's in my fucking hand?

CASHIER
More.

JOSH
So, I repeat - can I get the double cheeseburger
for the dollar that is in my hand?

CASHIER
With all the amenities!

JOSH
Ok, I'm done. Here's my dollar. Now give me that
double cheeseburger, or I will punch through
your chest, rip out your esophagus, and use it as
a goddamn straw.

CASHIER
If you want a drink, it will only cost you 99 cents!

INT. JAIL CELL - EVENING

Taco hell

2009-11-16T22:45:00.005-05:00

Well, Rambo has a hankerin' for burritos again.

To recap:

On August 30th, Variety announced Rambo V was on the way. The storyline, they reported, involved "Rambo fighting his way through human traffickers and drug lords to rescue a young girl abducted near the U.S.-Mexico border." My obligatory post about the development is here.

Just a week later, multiple reports also had Rambo V on the way, but with a completely different premise: Rambo hunting a perhaps-superhuman beast through the wilds of Alaska. My obligatory post about the development is here.

Well, Craig from StalloneZone (the only website with a name better than this one) received this e-mail a few days ago, from none other than Mr. Stallone himself:

Hi Craig,

This is from Sly to your followers:

To all the loyal SZoners out there,

I’m letting you know that Rambo has changed course and the story about
hunting the man/beast will be done using another character in the lead. RAMBO himself will be heading over the border to a violent city where many young women have vanished.

There will be blood.

Best, Sly Stallone

Translation: we're back to the premise Variety described, with Rambo crossing the border and kickin' some Mexican trafficker ass.

LOVE IT. The super-soldier, or whatever that sci-fi sounding premise was, just struck me a little wrong. I mean, of course it would have kicked ass, but taking an established series into a new genre was a bit hinky.

This plot allows a natural transition from the last film (when Rambo returned to Arizona), and continues the series' focus on real world issues. (Think about it. The first film dealt with Vietnam vets back home, the second with prisoners of war left behind, the third with Afghanistan, the last one Burma).

And, my God, "there will be blood." You realized what that one sentence did to me, right? Suffice to say, the washing machine is running.

I want this.

Go Gata

2009-11-14T01:59:00.002-05:00

I never realized how much subtitles can make a great speech even greater.

By the way, yes, these are the people in charge of our country. Just reminding you.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Ten

2009-11-12T07:15:00.005-05:00

Well, this is shaping up to be an interesting week.

As previously mentioned, I'm attending Stephen King's Atlanta book signing tomorrow night - meaning I'll meet a guy who's been on my "name three people you could have dinner with" list for over 20 years. Well, it's not dinner, but it is a solid 15 seconds or so of interaction - which is enough to already make me nauseous.

Now I find out I've finagled my way into some face time with Matt Ryan tonight, at a taping of a local interview show.

Oh, and did I mention NFL Thursday night football is back, I go out in Buckhead on Friday for Maya's birthday, tailgate in Athens all day Saturday, and sweat through Falcons @ Panthers on Sunday?

If I'm alive on Monday, and somehow haven't completely humiliated myself in at least one instance, I might give old-time religion another try. Hallelujah.

The picks:

Chicago @ San Francisco (-3). NFL Thursday night football returns! Oh, thank the heavens - no more East Carolina vs. Tulsa vs. Rutgers vs. South Florida vs. Utah State vs. North Carolina vs. OH MY GOD I'M SCRAPING OFF MY RETINAS AT THE BOREDOM. No, real football - football you feel decent betting on, football that relates to your fantasy league, football that has real, actual postseason implications - returns to fill the almost-end-of-the-week void. And ok, this game might suck a bit, but next week we have Miami @ Carolina (compelling, probably fun), and then Giants @ Broncos (big NFC and AFC ramifications). And no dreadful ACC matchup in sight. PICK: Chicago

Atlanta (-1 1/2) @ Carolina. Believe me, I'm more nervous about this one than I was a few weeks ago. The Falcons have played up-and-down ball recently, but the Panthers have been pretty darn up. They thoroughly pasted the Cardinals in Phoenix, and held on to the end against the Saints in New Orleans. Then again, silver lining - they only squeaked past the Redskins by a field goal, and lost to the Bills a few days before Halloween (both at home). Color me cautiously optimistic. PICK: Atlanta

Jacksonville @ NY Jets (-7). Last night, I had an incredibly detailed, vivid dream about Eli Manning's contract and its long-term effect on the New York Giants. Seriously. As I said on Twitter, even my subconscious is a nerd. But also, my subconscious is a lot smarter than me - because when I say vivid, I mean vivid. There were discussions of contract language intricacies, NFL by-laws, union stipulations - and maybe it was all bullshit, but it was really intelligent-sounding bullshit. Of course, all detail flushed out 30 seconds after my eyes opened, but at least I can puff my chest today and know that somewhere, deep in the recesses, I might be sort of smart. PICK: Jacksonville

Buffalo @ Tennessee (-6 1/2). Sports Illustrated's Peter King adjusted his Favre fanboy cap this week and picked the Minnesota quarterback as his Midseason Comeback Player of the season. In the year of Cedric Benson, Tom Brady and now Vince Young - really, Pete? PICK: Tennessee

Denver (-3 1/2) @ Washington. So I'm watching "V" last night (boring so far), and it hits me - Elizabeth Mitchell is starring opposite Scott Wolf, who was on "Party of Five." And she is also on "Lost" with Matthew Fox, who was on "Party of Five." And while I'm not necessarily proud of how much I cared about this, I looked up Mitchell on IMDB and - not making this up - she co-starred on "Time of Your Life," the 1999 "Party of Five" spinoff starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. MIND SUFFICIENTLY BLOWN. (And yes, only I could care about this. I know.) PICK: Denver

Detroit @ Minnesota (-16 1/2). Really, though, why is this woman stalking the cast of "Party of Five?" Should Lacey Chabert get a restraining order? What about the 25 actors who played Owen? WHY DO I REMEMBER THE BABY'S NAME FROM "PARTY OF FIVE?" I SAW LIKE FIVE EPISODES. PICK: Detroit

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (-7). PICK: Cincinnati

New Orleans (-13 1/2) @ St. Louis. This smells like a trap. Vegas is certainly baiting it like one. "Come on, you know the Saints win by two touchdowns. At least! Come on, buddy. Do it. Doooooooo it." So I'm going to act brave here, but only because I ain't puttin' real money on it in a millennia. PICK: St. Louis

Tampa Bay @ Miami (-10). PICK: Miami

Kansas City @ Oakland (-1 1/2). PICK: Kansas City

Seattle @ Arizona (-8 1/2). Well, I rectified a life of wrong on Tuesday night - after 33 years on the planet, I finally watched Alfred Hitchcock's North By Northwest. And may I say, it's refreshing when a purported classic actually exceeds its reputation. Nobody will agree with this, but I saw it as a companion piece to Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut - not in plot, necessarily, but in the way it seemed to stack weights on my chest. That's what the suspense was like to me, a constant pressure that didn't let up until the credits rolled - and I haven't really felt that since Kubrick's film. (I'm also sure a closer examination could reveal thematic similarities, particularly between the characters Cary Grant and Tom Cruise play). Easily my second-favorite Hitchcock after Psycho. PICK: Seattle

Dallas (-3) @ Green Bay. Preceding the Hitchcock classic, I actually watched another, not-so-esteemed film. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. My original Transformers review ended up being one of this blog's most read posts, and to be certain, I was not kind. Well, you know what? I actually liked the second one. I understand - I'm opposite everybody here, as the original was universally preferred. Maybe it's the product of hearing "oh my God, that's the worst movie ever!" for months, or just enjoying the film's look on my Blu-Ray player, but it didn't offend me as much as I thought it would. Sure it was dumb, didn't make sense, had a horrible sense of humor - but I expected that. For whatever reason, I forgave it the excesses I hated in the original, and just sat back and enjoyed the sights. Can't explain it. PICK: Dallas

Philadelphia @ San Diego (-2). PICK: Philadelphia

New England @ Indianapolis (-3). I smell a Patriots rout. It's not a nice smell; it's actually a pungent aroma of peas, hubris and dog vomit. But it's there all the same. PICK: New England

Baltimore (-10 1/2) @ Cleveland. I'm guessing the ESPN's schedulers wish they could rethink this Monday Night Football matchup. But really, what did they think they'd be getting in the first place? (Yeah, I get it, Browns vs. old Browns, but will that storyline get you past kickoff?) PICK: Baltimore

Last week: 5-8-0 (ouch, my first sub-.500 week)
Overall: 72-56-1

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Nine

2009-11-05T12:00:00.004-05:00

So after Monday night, the Falcons are 4-3 - which might make you think I'm chewing at my wrists. But remember, this is where I thought they'd be (Ok, I reversed the Dallas and Chicago results, but 4-3 was the target). There just hasn't been a single defeat that made me slap my forehead - @New England, @Dallas, @New Orleans. And starting Sunday, the schedule gets a whooooole lot easier.

Washington on deck. Winless Tampa Bay twice. The New York teams, both looking more beatable than they did a month ago. Carolina and Buffalo, 6-9 between them.

Now, of course, I no longer believe "ten wins should get the NFC South for Atlanta." That ship has probably sailed. But if we beat Philadelphia, all Atlanta's wild card hopes rely on is Tony Romo's down-the-stretch collapse and Eli Manning continuing to suck. So obviously, PLAYOFFS HERE WE COME.

The picks:

Kansas City @ Jacksonville (-6 1/2). Famed UGA tailgate Tent City has a busy weekend ahead of itself. There's, of course, the historic matchup between Georgia and Tennessee Tech on Saturday. On Sunday, though, the action shifts to a site of actual football competence - the Georgia Dome. A couple of Tent Citizens - bloggers both prolific and not so much - are huge Washington Redskins fans, and the crowd is a'followin'. I'm just excited to revel in the huge starpower Washington brings. Jason Campbell! Colt Brennan! DeAngelo Hall! ~~Brian~~ Byron Westbrook! I'm practically vibrating. PICK: Jacksonville

Baltimore (-3) @ Cincinnati. Actually, I am vibrating. Just found out I have a reserved spot in line for next week's Stephen King book signing in Atlanta. Now I have seven torturous days ahead of me, trying to decide exactly what question to ask, and obsessing about all the ways I could screw it up. (I'm a fan.) PICK: Baltimore

Houston @ Indianapolis (-9). Netflix recommendation: "Monty Python: Almost the Truth." It's a brand new, six-part documentary about the British comedy troupe - and though I'm just two hours in, it's one of the best things I've seen this year. PICK: Houston

Green Bay (-9 1/2) @ Tampa Bay. PICK: Green Bay

Arizona @ Chicago (-3). Jay Cutler, your time is up. Perhaps you missed it, but my fantasy team's publicity office announced on Monday that Carson Palmer will get the start at QB for the foreseeable future. The Berman Stroke Hopers just need new leadership, not a simpering fat-face who apparently gets his jollies from throwing interceptions. So Mr. Palmer, don't let us down. We would also like to welcome Ronnie Brown and Chad Ochocinqo, acquired in a Wednesday trade for RB Steven Jackson. Truthfully, I'm still trying to find out why that was offered to me - I feel like I stole something. What am I missing? PICK: Arizona

Washington @ Atlanta (-10). I don't know, I'm a little nervous about this one. Ten points is a lot for a team coming off a short week, against one just coming off its bye. Maybe a 13-10 Falcons victory, but probably nothing more than that. Jason Campbell is back in SEC country, and who knows, that might provide a spark. The Redskins are actually a talented bunch, after all. PICK: Washington

Washington@ Atlanta (-10). Just fucking with you. The Redskins suck. Falcons by 30. Duh. PICK: Atlanta

Miami @ New England (-10 1/2). PICK: Miami

Carolina @ New Orleans (-13). PICK: New Orleans

Detroit @ Seattle (-10). The moment Crash won Best Picture, I officially gave up on the Oscars. I had come close a few times - Roberto Benigni beating Edward Norton, Million Dollar Baby over The Aviator, and A Beautiful Mind winning in the year of Memento, Mulholland Dr. and The Royal Tenenbaums (none of which were even nominated). But Paul Haggis' thuddingly obvious racial parable taking the top prize? DONE, GOOD SIRS. So I didn't really stress out over the recent decision to have 10 Best Picture nominees instead of the usual five. Retarded, right? I mean, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was nominated last year - that should be a signal you have trouble filling just five slots. So this week, it was announced Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will co-host the show. Is that enough to save it? I'd be inclined to say yes, but I know they'll end up naming a dud like Star Trek as one of the 10 best, and I'll throw up. PICK: Detroit

Tennessee @ San Francisco (-4). "South Park" turned in a top 10 episode this week, and it really hit close to home. See, though I may be fiscally conservative, I'm pretty liberal socially - especially when it comes to gay rights. I'm for gay marriage, gay adoption, gays in the military, gays wherever the hell they want to be. Ain't hurting me, so I don't care. THAT SAID. Sorry, but I love the word "fag." It's hilarious. It's easy, abrupt, cutting - and just so, so funny. Sue me. Anyway, I've talked about this with a super-liberal friend, and he has the same condundrum. We know we shouldn't like the word, but my God, we just do. And after watching the latest "South Park," it's clear Matt Stone and Trey Parker have had a similar conversation. I won't spoil anything, just watch it. Fag. PICK: Tennessee

San Diego @ NY Giants (-5). PICK: NY Giants

Dallas @ Philadelphia (-3). PICK: Philadelphia

Pittsburgh (-3) @ Denver. PICK: Denver

Last week: 8-5-0
Overall: 67-48-1

You're the inspiration

2009-11-03T22:51:00.008-05:00

Ok, another Onion video - which is easier than coming up with content myself. But I'm amazed how well-written, and especially well-cast, these things are. Lorne Michaels should clean house and turn "Saturday Night Live" over to these guys.

That shot of Matt Stafford just kills me.

A day late

2009-11-01T08:50:00.003-05:00

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Eight

2009-10-30T06:09:00.008-04:00

I hope to see this kind of thing many times on Monday night. I HOPE to.

The nightmare scenario could be upon us.

Each football weekend, I root for three things:

The Atlanta Falcons to win.
The Georgia Bulldogs to win.
The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets to lose.

If Las Vegas is to believed, zero of those things will come to pass this weekend - and it would be the first time the anti-trifecta has been achieved in over two years (on September 8-9, 2007, Georgia lost to South Carolina, Georgia Tech beat Samford and Atlanta lost to Minnesota). Georgia and Atlanta are both double-digit underdogs, Georgia Tech is a double-digit favorite.

And with the Falcons playing on Monday night, the misery could be spread over three days.

Something needs to happen. A miracle has to occur. Pray for me.

The picks:

Denver @ Baltimore (-3). I screwed up plenty in my fantasy football draft - Steven Jackson, Steve Smith, not taking a QB until the 6th round - but all of those mistakes may be rectified by one Mr. Ray Rice, who I grabbed with the 147th overall pick. He's a legit top-5 running back now, and probably the only chance I have of three-peating and receiving more bushels of roses, monetary donations and coupons for free chicken from fans such as yourself. PICK: Baltimore

Cleveland @ Chicago (-13). PICK: Chicago

St. Louis @ Detroit (-4). Just taking a stab here, but this probably won't be the most watched game of the week. Even in St. Louis. (It definitely won't be in Detroit, as it has been blacked out. Ouch.) PICK: Detroit

Houston (-3) @ Buffalo. Fans of "The Office" should check out Subtle Sexuality, which despite the name, is actually safe for work (turn your speakers down, though). Mindy Kaling, BJ Novak and Ellie Kemper, among others, have created a storyline completely separate from the show, and it's just as funny (also follow their characters on Twitter: @iamkellyfierce, @veRY_ANgelic and @iamerinhannon.) And I just found out Kemper, who plays the new secretary, is the author of some memorable McSweeney's entries. CRUSH. PICK: Houston

Minnesota @ Green Bay (-3). Go Brett Favre's old team! PICK: Green Bay

San Francisco @ Indianapolis (-13). EDSBS was on fi-yah Thursday, about one of my favorite topics: the asshattery of Georgia's governor. "Sonny Perdue burrows even lower into the warm humus of gubernatorial stupidity, however, by opposing the lifting of the Sunday alcohol ban. Correct, non-Georgia readers: if you want alcohol on Sundays in Georgia, you must first drive to a bar, then pay a fifty percent markup over wholesale, and then wait until you sober up before you drive home because some turkey-wattled Baptist eighty miles away in Hookwormville thinks Crazy Old Testament God is going to turn him into a pillar of salt if the citizens of Atlanta get drunk in the safe, warm, and undoubtedly godless confines of their own house. Oh, but you could just buy on Saturday. It’s not a big deal! THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT THE GHETTOS OF WARSAW, COMMIE." PICK: Indianapolis

NY Giants (-1) @ Philadelphia. PICK: Philadelphia

Miami @ NY Jets (-3). PICK: Miami

Seattle @ Dallas (-9 1/2). Let's make another list, and call this one "People I Want To Die A Lengthy, Painful, Horrible, Itching Death." 1. Keith Brooking. 2. Osama bin La - no, fuck it, Keith Brooking again. After last week's childish display against his former team (flapping his arms, celebrating a false start like a trailer park skank winning the goddamn lotto), I will be INFURIATED if Atlanta honors him after his career is (officially) over. He was an overrated turd when he was here, he's an overrated turd now, and I will lose my fucking mind if his banner is ever raised to the Georgia Dome rafters. Honestly, since I'm not alone in this, he would probably become the first player to be booed while getting his number retired. These feelings are not new. PICK: Seattle

Oakland @ San Diego (-16 1/2). And here we are. A 3-3 team getting a 16 1/2-point spread over anybody is absurd, until you hear how Vegas has been doing this season. The bookies can't set the spreads high enough this year, and I wouldn't be surprised to see one over 20 points as soon as the Saints/Rams matchup in two weeks. PICK: San Diego

Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-3). White House spokesman Josh Earnest managed to increase my distrust of the Obama administration this week: he compared them to the New Orleans Saints. From Politico: "As our administration makes progress on the agenda that Washington has ignored for too long, we expect we’ll get some news coverage of that progress that we like and some tough coverage that we don’t. It’s not unlike the New Orleans Saints, who are getting lots of good coverage of their perfect record so far — certainly better coverage than the [2-5] Redskins — but it doesn’t mean the Saints have liked every story that’s been written about them since training camp. It goes with the territory." Wait, did he just intimate Obama's presidency has been perfect? PICK: Tennessee

9:42 p.m. update: A few hours after this posted, The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto reflected on this quote as well. And I like his response better: "The New Orleans Saints are undefeated because they have focused on one thing: playing great football. Unless President Obama and his men get serious and focused on governing, they'll end up like the St. Louis Rams--winless, and nearly owned by Rush Limbaugh."

Carolina @ Arizona (-10). Also, I find it interesting that in the article, a political analyst named (really) Sherry Bebitch Jeffe says, "There may well be almost an unconscious effort on the part of the media to give Obama a bit more slack because he is more likable, because he is the first African-American president" (emphasis mine). Wait, isn't that exactly the kind of statement that got Rush Limbaugh in trouble regarding Donovan McNabb? PICK: Carolina

Atlanta @ New Orleans (-10). I was almost excited to pick against Atlanta for the first time since December 2007. But 10 points - I mean, the Saints are due for a disappointing game, and double digits just seem like an overreaction to one bad Falcons outing. I don't know about a good guy win here, but I have to go with the old standby. PICK: Atlanta

Last week: 6-6-1
Overall: 59-43-1

Quarter Back: October 1984

2009-10-29T07:26:00.003-04:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

In 1984, I watched every movie I could get my hands on. Of course, at 8 years old, I was stuck on what my parents deemed safe, which means I watched the same movies over and over. Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Poltergeist, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Rocky III - so yeah, basically the same movies I watch over and over today.

I'm guessing October '84 was spent around the glow of a warm VCR, because I certainly didn't see any of these titles in theaters. Yeah, for some reason, my mom didn't take me to see Mr. Universe as a killer cyborg, a Diane Keaton Israeli/Palestinian drama, or a celebration of the goriest movie moments in Hollywood history. Weird, huh?

Featured Movies

Stop Making Sense
Seen it before?: No.
Release date: October 19, 1984
Actors: David Byrne, Chris Frantz, Tina Weymouth, Jerry Harrison
Director: Jonathan Demme (The Silence of the Lambs, Philadelphia)
Box office: $4.9 million (#112 in 1984)

Twenty-five years ago, Jonathan Demme delivered what was instantly considered one of the greatest concert films of all time. It opened with David Byrne standing on a bare stage, acoustic guitar in hand, performing his now classic "Psycho Killer." With each song, new equipment would be wheeled out and a bandmember would join - a bassist, a drummer, a keyboardist, back-up singers, etc. Not until the sixth song was Talking Heads there in toto.

It's as cool as it sounds. And it's easy to remember why Talking Heads were such a huge band of the moment - "Psycho Killer," "Burning Down the House," "Life During Wartime," "Once in a Lifetime," "Girlfriend Is Better," "Take Me to the River." All fantastic songs.

The problem is, after that electric opening, I remembered I don't really like concert films. Prince's Sign O' the Times bored me to tears, and even U2's Rattle & Hum never garnered a second viewing (and I worshipped every other aspect of '80s and '90s U2). And I have to admit to never seeing other "classics" of the genre, Gimme Shelter or Martin Scorsese's The Last Waltz.

I don't know, I just don't find it very interesting to watch a band perform - especially when you're missing the all-encompassing sound, the electricity of an audience, and the alcohol buzz that enhances the electricity. There's some artistry there, I get it, but are the cool parts cool because they are for you, or because you're imagining they are for the audience? Byrne is one of rock and roll's standouts as far as stage presence goes, and of course the music is great. But you're not there, you're not with them, and it's different and sorta boring by comparison. Grade: B-

Teachers
Seen it before?: Long, long ago, and only the edited-for-TV version.
Release date: October 5, 1984
Actors: Nick Nolte, JoBeth Williams, Ralph Macchio
Director: Arthur Hiller (Love Story, Silver Streak, Outrageous Fortune)
Box office: $27.8 million (#33 in 1984)

The movie was clearly a moderate hit, as its box office standing reveals. (The #33 films of the past few years were High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Beowulf and Jackass: Number Two, all regarded as successes). Looking back, though, I'm confused who it was made for.

We have Nick Nolte (48 Hrs.), JoBeth Williams (The Big Chill) and Judd Hirsch ("Taxi") - so clearly, a movie for adults. But then we have Ralph Macchio (four months off The Karate Kid), and a liberal sprinkling of bad sitcom humor - so clearly, a movie for teens. And then the rub: two movies in one, but neither is particularly memorable.

Nolte is a teacher in a rough New York City high school, hit on every side by a collection of soap operatic cliches. A kid graduated that can't read. A loner acts out, but he really has a heart of gold. Somebody has a gun in a locker. One of the girls is pregnant, and a teacher is the father. There's an undercover cop posing as a student (seriously, has this ever happened outside of TV and movies?). There's a mean district boss threatening to fire everyone.

I'm assuming the movie is called Teachers and not Students for a reason, and that it wants Nolte and the adults to be the focus. But it all seems so juvenile. There's a good movie in there somewhere, even a good comedy that can examine the real problems of a teacher. But this one is too confused to be it. Grade: C-

Other films 25 years old this month:

American Dreamer - The month of JoBeth Williams, apparently. In this romantic adventure, she played a car crash victim who wakes up thinking she's an international spy. I don't know, I prefer my car crash victims to wake up as ACTUAL international spies, a'la The Long Kiss Goodnight.

Body Double - Ah, the '80s - a more innocent time when people actually wanted to see Melanie Griffith naked. She starred in this Brian DePalma murder mystery, kicking off a leading-lady career that would run for about 10 years, cresting with 1988's Working Girl. And like many other '80s leading ladies, she hasn't appeared in anything you've heard of for a while.

Comfort and Joy - Writer-director Bill Forsyth, who has spent his career making movies you've never seen, added another one onto the pile with this tale of the Glasgow ice cream market. Starring Bill Paterson, now the star of "Law & Order: UK," which really does exist.

Crimes of Passion - I mentioned Melanie Griffith, but nobody had a steeper fall from sexual grace than Kathleen Turner. In 1984, she was sexy as all hell in Romancing the Stone and this thriller, but as Bill Simmons recently pointed out, 10 years later she was Chandler's cross-dressing dad on "Friends." I mean, here's a before and after - but really, for your sanity, don't even look. Robert Zemeckis recently announced a Roger Rabbit sequel, but can she even voice Jessica Rabbit again? Won't you be thinking of that "after" picture every time she speaks?

Eureka - Gene Hackman played a rich man dealing with the downside of wealth in the 1940s. Despite a cast that included Rutger Hauer, Mickey Rourke and Joe Pesci, I have NEVER heard of this. Am I alone?

Firstborn - This family drama is now more notable for its supporting cast (Robert Downey Jr., Sarah Jessica Parker) than its actual stars (Peter Weller, Teri Garr, Christopher Collet). Of course, the only reason I saw this as a kid was Corey Haim. Because, believe me - there was a time when Corey Haim was completely badass. Remember that the next time you attack today's youth for liking The Jonas Brothers.

Garbo Talks - Gilbert has just learned that his Greta Garbo-worshiping mother (Anne Bancroft) has six months to live, and attempts to make her final wish come true - she wants to meet the reclusive actress. Garbo didn't take part in this film or any other one for the last 49 years of her life. Hope that's not a spoiler.

The Little Drummer Girl - I thought this was a Christmas movie for years. In fact, it's a somber meditation on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict starring Diane Keaton. So I was close.

The Ploughman's Lunch - If you're dying to dabble in the politics of mid-'80s Britain, you're in luck with this drama starring Jonathan Pryce. If not, there's always Transformers 2.

The Razor's Edge - Columbia Pictures wanted Bill Murray for Ghostbusters, but the comedian wasn't quite as gung-ho. So a deal was struck - he'd do the paranormal comedy, but only if the studio would finance his dream project, this adaptation of the W. Somerset Maughan novel. In it, Murray played against type as a World War I veteran who visited Paris, India and Nepal in search of the meaning of life. Columbia lost a bit on the film, as it made only half its $12 million budget back. But considering the $291 million Ghostbusters pulled in, the Columbia execs weren't kicking themselves.

Songwriter - Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson starred in this comedy set in the country music world. Limits weren't really stretched, no.

Stranger Than Paradise - Jim Jarmusch's black comedy is still worshipped in the independant movie world, as it served as a kind of kickoff to the Spike Lee/Steven Soderbergh/Miramax era of indie dominance.

The Terminator - Well, if you knew one August '84 release would still be spawning sequels 25 years later, you wouldn't guess Garbo Talks: Salvation would be at a theater near you. But still, what this James Cameron film created is nothing short of amazing; in dollars, in special effects milestones, and in its reach (remember, there was a recent TV show as well). The franchise kickoff is definitely more dated than the sequels, but is by far the most frightening.

Terror in the Aisles - Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen hosted this theatrical documentary (sort of) about the history of horror movies. Basically, it was just a glorified clipshow, stringing scenes together from Alien, Psycho, Rosemary's Baby, The Exorcist, Halloween and about 75 more. A relic of the pre-Youtube era.

Thief of Hearts - This was Steven Bauer's one grasp at leading man status, coming off his performance as Al Pacino's brother in Scarface. Five years later, he was Christian Slater's brother in Gleaming the Cube. Obviously, it didn't take.

Quarter Back: September 1984
Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Seven

2009-10-23T06:35:00.004-04:00

Intros suck, ya know. Says the guy too lazy to write one.

The picks:

Indianapolis (-13) @ St. Louis. Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher managed to create even more controversy when he wore a Peyton Manning jersey to a Nashville fundraiser. "I just wanted to feel like a winner," he said, which is pretty funny. But that wasn't his best quote. A day later, he answered the cries of angry Titans fans. "It was for a very, very worthwhile cause, charity," Fisher said. "I was introducing Tony (Dungy), just having fun with it and I really apologize if I offended anybody. But if you're offended over the nature of that type of thing, then I think you need to rethink things." Well done. The non-apology apology is an artform unto itself. PICK: Indianapolis

Green Bay (-6 1/2) @ Cleveland. PICK: Green Bay

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh (-5). Um, no, I meant this is the week the Vikings are revealed as frauds. Seriously. This week. PICK: Pittsburgh

New England (-14 1/2) vs. Tampa Bay. The Bucs are technically the home team here, but the game is being played in jolly ol' London, home to Shakespeare and sleeper cells. I'm not sure of the business arrangements here, but I do know Tampa Bay will obviously lose a home game - and if I'm a fan, I'd be pissed about that. Luckily, there aren't too many Bucs fans these days to care. PICK: New England

San Francisco @ Houston (-3). PICK: Houston

San Diego (-5) @ Kansas City. PICK: Kansas City

NY Jets (-6) @ Oakland. Due to Georgia's weak play and the Falcons' emergence, my interest in college football has probably never been lower. Love the tailgating in Athens, but I haven't set foot in a college stadium this year, and probably won't until Kentucky comes calling (and just because some friends are taking part in the pregame festivities). However, there's a possible storyline, that if it comes to pass, will make 2009 a season to truly celebrate. If I ranked the 120 Division I FBS teams in order from love-to-hate, #267 would be Georgia Tech - the same nerds that currently hold a 6-1 record. Well, their next four weeks present a kindergarten class-style batch of cupcakes, and they should be the 10-1 hosts of a down Georgia Bulldogs team in late November. I barely care about beating Florida (as long as we shatter Tim Tebow's legs - no, seriously). If we lose to Kentucky, Auburn and even Tennessee Tech, whatever. Hell, I almost want to lose to Tennessee Tech, if we can then go to Atlanta and wipe the floor with the Yellow Jackets. I mean, they will be going into that game with BCS dreams, and we can spoil that with four good quarters, dick-kicking them in the process (figuratively for most, literally for me). I mean, that will be absolutely, 100% more satisfying than winning some silly Sugar Bowl - destroying Tech's season would actually count for something. PICK: Oakland

New Orleans (-6 1/2) @ Miami. Last Sunday's prime-time Falcons game brought a different crowd atmosphere than the standard 1 p.m. kickoffs do. That's what eight straight hours of pre-game drinking will do, I guess. A good 15 minutes before gametime, I saw one near-fight in my section, and heard rumblings of others elsewhere. There was quite a bit of jackassery going on. But it never reached the level of this particular jackass:

I guess "Gaints" rhymes with "Saints?"

I mean, look at that wad. When was the last time you saw a more pained, pleading, attention-whoring expression? And you can tell he's been at it ALL FUCKING GAME, by the look of the woman to his left. But it's not his stupid face or Mark Richt-haircut that bothers me - it's the sign. Not the Saints-love, not the misspelling - just its general existence. Because there's a special place in Hell for people who bring signs to games. You're basically telling everybody around you, "My pathetic, childish ambition to get on TV for two seconds is more important than you seeing the field." DIE, ASSHOLE. PICK: Miami (yeah, I said it)

Atlanta @ Dallas (-4). Ok, once - once - I did bring a sign to a game. It was a Maryland/Georgia Tech Thursday night game, and I created a "51-7" poster to hold toward the GT student section (UGA had beat them by that score a year previous). In my defense, I was in the back row of my section, blocking nobody. And second, it was totally fucking awesome. Oh, and speaking of awesome, this game is starting to make me nervous - seemingly everybody is picking Atlanta to win outright. PICK: Atlanta

Chicago @ Cincinnati (-1). My two fantasy quarterbacks - Jay Cutler and Carson Palmer - face off. Yep, Cutler and Palmer. I'm probably not going to hit the league championship three-peat, no. PICK: Chicago

Buffalo @ Carolina (-7). So I ended up with a screener of Paranormal Activity, this year's most buzzed-about horror film. Avoiding all hint of spoilers, it's about a young couple and the bumps in the night that happen in their house. Of course, I definitely won't get into spoiling the ending - because I haven't actually seen it yet. I turned the movie off last night after about an hour. Now, yeah, you can throw bagina-rhyming insults my way, but at least let me point out it was at 1 a.m. Work night and all. But from what I did see, yeah, ok, it's pretty freaking scary, and I don't say that about movies very often. (It actually reminds me of my dad's old house, where crazy stuff happened a few times. One night, the dishwasher closed by itself and turned on. I shit you not. And one time I woke up pinned to the ceiling above my bed, pressure on my shoulders and shins keeping me there, which could have been a dream, but seemed silly real.) PICK: Buffalo

Arizona @ NY Giants (-7). I'm actually not joking about that ghost-in-my-dad's-old-house stuff. There was something there. They've since torn the house down, WHICH MEANS THE POLTERGEIST IS LOOSE IN BROOKHAVEN. PICK: NY Giants

Philadelphia (-7) @ Washington. Making fun of the Redskins isn't even fun anymore. Which of course is a total lie. PICK: Philadelphia

Last week: 8-6-0
Overall: 53-37-0

Defies description

2009-10-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

So Kanye West can act too. Dammit.

Directed by Spike Jonze. Inspired, no doubt, by David Lynch.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Six

2009-10-16T07:30:00.003-04:00

With about eight minutes to go in the first half of last week's Falcons-49ers game, I looked at my brother and said, "I want 21-10 at halftime."

Atlanta had jumped out to a quick 14-0 lead, but San Francisco scored 10 unanswered and took the momentum back. A minute later, Roddy White turned on the afterburners and went 90 yards for a score.

"I mean, uh, I want 28-10 at halftime."

Two minutes later, Michael Turner bulldozed for his second touchdown of the day.

"Ok, screw it, I want 35-10."

With 1:14 left on the clock, Turner made it a first half trifecta. On route to a final score of 45-10, San Francisco's worst home loss since 1967.

Yes, the 2009 Falcons have already taught me their first lesson: don't put limits on what to ask of them. So now I want 75 points against Chicago on Sunday night, with the Bears shut out. And Tony Gonzalez (fantasy TE extraordinaire) to go for 250 and 3 TDs. And the game ball. And ice cream waiting for me at my seat - on the bench. And Matt Ryan to be my best friend. And a 51% ownership stake in the team, just because Arthur Blank likes "the cut of my jib." Because my jib does have a nice cut.

Not too much to ask for, I don't think.

The picks:

Kansas City @ Washington (-6 1/2). Jim Zorn may become the first coach to get fired during a game. The Chiefs are 0-5, but they're not a Rams-level 0-5. Four of their first opponents: Baltimore, Philadelphia, NY Giants, Dallas (the loss to Oakland is inexcusable, yes). But something - oh, I don't know, maybe Washington's complete ineptitude - tells me the Chiefs not only cover, but get their first win of the season. PICK: Kansas City

Houston @ Cincinnati (-5). It's especially odd because of all the rain we've been having, but it got dusty in my house around 4 p.m. last Sunday. I mean, really dusty. The Bengals had just finished upsetting the Ravens, and the team was taking turns celebrating with defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer, only a few days after his wife's sudden death. Just stupid amounts of dust, out of nowhere. PICK: Cincinnati

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (-14). Well, it's safe to say UGA's own Mohamed Massaquoi did not lead the NFL in receiving for the second week in row. Of course, that's hard to do when your QB completes two passes - all game. (And Brady Quinn is still the back-up. See, I do get things right once in a while). PICK: Pittsburgh

Baltimore @ Minnesota (-3). And the Vikings get exposed. I'm not one to let go of a preseason prediction easily, and I'm riding the "Vikings are overrated" train as long as I can. This is really the team's first legit matchup, and I see Flacco and Co. - beaten and bruised, and out for blood - putting a hurt on Brett Fav-re. PICK: Baltimore

St. Louis @ Jacksonville (-10). You typically won't see a team lose by 41 points one week, and be favored by double digits the next. But those are the kinds of small miracles provided by the St. Louis Rams. PICK: St. Louis

NY Giants @ New Orleans (-3). So obviously this weekend's game is a big one for the Falcons. NBC, prime time, all eyes on them. I've been looking forward to this day for a long time, with dreams of hitting the tailgate before the sun is at its highest point, spending all day Sunday making sure I'm worthless on Monday. The ball dropped a few days ago, however, when I learned the Georgia Dome doesn't open its parking lots until five hours before kickoff, specifically 3:20. So my god, I'm only limited to roughly 270 minutes of quality parking lot-standing until I have to head to the stadium? What the hell? (Tailgating, as we now know, is the one thing college does infinitely better than the pros). I bring this up here because of the silver lining: now I have some time to watch Giants/Saints before heading to my concrete mecca downtown. Go you freakin' hairy Giants, go. PICK: NY Giants

Carolina (-3) @ Tampa Bay. I didn't expect these teams to be hugely competitive with Atlanta, particularly Tampa Bay. However, I never expected I wouldn't give two shits about them so early in the season. The NFC South is a two-team race now, no doubt about it. PICK: Carolina

Detroit @ Green Bay (-13 1/2). PICK: Detroit

Philadelphia (-14) @ Oakland. Ok, so I've made no secret that Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables is my most anticipated film of 2010. And I posted the trailer as soon as my feeble fingers would allow, before it was eventually taken down by the studio. Now, the true reaction: "Um, cool." If you saw it before it disappeared, well, it just looked sorta silly. Stallone was cool, Statham was Statham, Li appeared to have no grasp of English and was just saying his lines phonetically - but that trailer didn't give any sense of a good story flowing underneath. THAT SAID, I'm not lowering my five bars of excitement yet. I thought Rocky Balboa would be disappointing. I thought Rambo would be outright awful. And yet both of were Ten Best material of their respective years (really). In his latest comeback incarnation, Stallone has made consistently good decisions and showed real filmmaker chops - I'm just hoping this was a hastily edited thing to appease the money guys. PICK: Philadelphia

Arizona @ Seattle (-3). What the hell is up with this? Spraying champagne because you won a division series? Hey Phils - you won the World Series last year. Act like you've been there before - especially because you have. PICK: Seattle

Buffalo @ NY Jets (-9 1/2). Speaking of baseball, I recently remembered a little $5 bet I laid before the season. "Teams to compete in the World Series: New York/Los Angeles." My five bucks will net me a cool $100 if the Dodgers can get their heads out of their asses. (My other $5 bet, Grady Sizemore to lead all of baseball in home runs, did not quite come to pass). PICK: Buffalo

Tennessee @ New England (-9). So I do the USA Today crossword every day, finishing it about 70% the time. I do it all in permanent ink, because I'm an egotistical jackass. That bit me on the rump this week with this clue: "2002 Tom Hanks film." So, I mean, of course I knew that. In big black letters: "C-A-T-C-H-M-E-I-F-Y-O-U-C-A-N." Fit perfectly. About 10 confusing minutes later, I realized my error: Hanks had another 2002 film. R-O-A-D-T-O-P-E-R-D-I-T-I-O-N. Same number of letters. And, of course, the right answer. (Me realizing I missed any kind of movie question is not a pretty sight. It's my sole character flaw). PICK: New England

Chicago @ Atlanta (-3 1/2). So I think I have a new favorite Falcon. Maya and I dorked out once again and went to a Thursday night taping of "Falcons Face-to-Face," a weekly interview show on a local news channels. Roddy White was the featured guest - and man, he was awesome. I had never seen him talk at such length before; he was surprisingly funny, and nice as hell when we met him afterward.

Maya:

Myself:

Oddly enough, that was his helmet he wanted me to sign. Weird.

Ok, I'm fully aware he's smiling more in the picture with her. And that's probably because I didn't put a boob on him. PICK: Atlanta

Denver @ San Diego (-3). Still, it's not the coolest picture I took with somebody this week.

Represent. PICK: Denver

Last week: 9-5-0
Overall: 45-31-0

I'm on a vote

2009-10-14T18:37:00.004-04:00

It's no "I'm On A Boat," but what is? Funnier than anything "Saturday Night Live" has done this year, that's for sure.

Expiration date

2009-10-14T17:32:00.004-04:00

This just hit my inbox.

Apparently I registered the name in October '07, with dream-coated eyes. And, you know, I think there's still a market for it.

"Your hairdresser!" <-- Award-winning dialogue

2009-10-14T07:48:00.005-04:00

This is basically the way I see it going down.

February 2011: "And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to - The Expendables!"

February 2012: "And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to - yes, again, The Expendables!"

February 2013: "And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to, you know it, The Expendables!"

The streak will only be broken in 2014, when Stallone's remake of Fried Green Tomatoes takes the prize. And then it will be back to The Expendables in '15. It will be THAT GOOD.

5:43 update: Sorry, kids. The video is gone with the wind, which I thought might happen. It was obviously not created for mass consumption, but probably pieced together for investors, marketing guys, or theater owners.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Five

2009-10-08T17:15:00.002-04:00

Remember in school when you were assigned the earliest possible date to present a paper, and it was just the end of the world? You had to go first, you had less time than your friends, and you weren't sure how you were going to handle it.

Well, that's me and the Falcons' early bye week. It caused more than a little teeth gnashing on my part, but that's all over now. We're done, we hit the field again on Sunday, and I won't have to spend another weekend in a Falconsless football wasteland. Everybody else, you have your dreaded date in front of you, but I'm proppin' my feet up.

The picks:

Minnesota (-9 1/2) @ St. Louis. After four games, the Rams are giving up 27 points a game while averaging SIX. Repeat: less than a touchdown every four quarters, shut out twice in four games. They're actually worse than last year's winless Lions, who at least averaged 13.1 while giving up 25.3. PICK: Minnesota

Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia (-14 1/2). On Monday, I fled work at 5:00:01 and drove to the nearby Movie Tavern, one of those beers n' flicks places. I wanted to see Zombieland, and few movies go better with suds than one about the undead ripping throats out with their teeth. No real detail here except to say I really liked it, laughed out loud throughout, and will probably never see it again because one thing just bugged me to death. Remember when the girl says 1997 was a good year because she saw her first R-rated film, and name-checked Anaconda? They got the year right but the rating wrong - it was PG-13! If you know me, you probably realize little, seemingly insignificant details can completely derail an experience. I mean, I stewed on that son of a bitch for the next 30 minutes. A little fact-checking would have revealed a number of R-rated 1997 flicks they could have gone with; Con Air would have generated the exact same "oh man, that was bad" laugh that Anaconda got. No, I'm still not over it. PICK: Philadelphia

Dallas (-8 1/2) @ Kansas City. When will analysts stop sounding shocked at Tony Romo making a bad play? Last week, the TV guys seemed genuinely surprised when he fumbled for a Denver touchdown, and threw a pick to Champ Bailey in the red zone. Every motherfucker in Dallas owes Jessica Simpson an apology for calling her a jinx. PICK: Kansas City

Washington @ Carolina (-3 1/2). A bit of genius, from way back in April: "Carolina is also due for a letdown after an over-achieving 2008. Unless, of course, they've secretly replaced interception machine Jake Delhomme with pick-free Sanka while I wasn't looking." Cutting and pasting old stuff is so much easier than thinking of something new. PICK: Carolina (I mean, it's Washington; the Panthers aren't that bad)

Oakland @ NY Giants (-16 1/2). This spread is taking into account that David Carr might be the Giants' starter. That's how bad the Raiders are. PICK: NY Giants

Cleveland @ Buffalo (-6). Congrats to former UGA, now Browns receiver Mohamed Massaquoi on leading the NFL in receiving yards last week. Looking at his current team, he might want to hold onto that good feeling as long as possible. PICK: Buffalo

Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-8 1/2). It was announced this week the 2011 Georgia/Georgia Tech game may be moved to Atlanta's Georgia Dome - a one-time-only morphing of the annual Thanksgiving weekend matchup into a season opener. If the message boards are to be believed, the idea is about as popular as New Coke. With semen in it. So as I stand here alone on the 50-yard-line, let me hear my own echo: BRING IT ON. Why would Georgia fans, in particular, be against this? It replaces a Tech home date, it opens the game up for tens of thousands of additional fans, and most of the added folks will be wearing red and black (as will the stadium, in fact). Plus, that game has turned into an impossible ticket when it's in Atlanta, as Tech's high school stadium holds about as many people as my car. And selfishly, I always have to race back from Florida on Friday in order to make kickoff; I won't mind being able to relax for a few days after my tryptophan coma. The primary argument seems to revolve around "tradition," the same thinking that's led to most of college football's horrible decisions. But is this series really such an untouchable, elite thing that can't be sullied? PICK: Cincinnati

Pittsburgh (-10 1/2) @ Detroit. Something tells me this will be the year to end Dallas and Detroit's stranglehold on Thanksgiving day. I just took a look down the schedule, and check these Turkey Day matchups - Packers @ Lions, Raiders @ Cowboys, Giants @ Broncos. Granted, the night game should be alright, but both day ones will probably have double digit point spreads (yes, even Oakland is worse than Dallas). Imagine an entire nation forced to spend a family holiday watching monkeys masturbate for six hours; that is exactly what Lions and Cowboys games are like this year. C'mon NFL, you're the number one attraction that day - give us something worthwhile. PICK: Pittsburgh (Daunte Culpepper is starting, folks)

Atlanta @ San Francisco (-2 1/2). More from April, regarding this game: "Matt Ryan vs. Shaun Hill. Matt Ryan vs. Alex Smith. Matt Ryan vs. Damon Huard. Matt Ryan vs. TBD Rookie. Those are the four ways this game plays out. I like those four ways." Turns out it will be the first one, with Hill having led the 49ers to a surprising 3-1 record. What isn't surprising, though, is I still like the matchup. San Fran's three wins came against Arizona, Seattle and St. Louis - a combined record of 2-9 between them. Yes, their loss at Minnesota was fairly impressive, but I'm apparently alone in considering the Vikings a wildly overrated bunch. Atlanta is coming off a bye week, San Francisco running back Frank Gore will be out of action, and most of Atlanta's injured corps are back at full strength (Jerious Norwood and The William Moore among them). So why are the 49ers favored again? PICK: Atlanta

New England (-3 1/2) @ Denver. PICK: Denver

Jacksonville @ Seattle ~~(-3, which I made up because Vegas hasn't released anything yet).~~ (PICK) Two weeks ago, I suffered my first fantasy football loss in 21 months, and I'm doing a little better than expected. Very little cutting, my daily Firefly intake is down to two liters, and the fire department was only called twice. I'm sitting at 3-1, and bring it up here because I'm veering into David Garrard territory this week. My regular starter (Jay Cutler) is enjoying a bye week vacation, and my regular back-up (Carson Palmer) is facing the Ravens. So what to do, except start a guy who I never, ever, ever intended on ever starting, ever. Ever ever. If I can get out of this with a win, I will consider My Powers back at full-force, after a momentary lapse in judgment (starting fucking DeAngelo Hall over Gibril Wilson, and losing only because of that dipshit decision). PICK: Jacksonville

Houston @ Arizona (-5 1/2). Have I ever shared my DeAngelo Hall story, by the way, speaking of that tool? So I used to be a 5th grade teacher, and one Friday the librarian comes down to my room. "Josh, I know you're a Falcons fan. They're sending over DeAngelo Hall on Tuesday to read to some students, so you need to pick out a few and bring them down to meet him." Let's sidestep the obvious "DeAngelo Hall/reading" jokes, and move on. I selected my three guys, all wannabe football players in a wannabe soccer player community, and they were overjoyed - especially Delante, who hadn't figured out he'd probably never play because of severe asthma. Well, the Falcons were on Monday Night Football, and of course Hall ends up limping off the field. Early Tuesday, we get word he's not coming. That's fine, not what upset me - he got hurt, he needed whatever rehab he needed. But I sat down that night and wrote him a letter c/o the Falcons, explaining Delante's situation and how he had been crushed by the cancellation. "If you could find something, anything to send him, it would make his year." And nothing arrived. Not a jersey, not tickets, not a football, not even an autographed 8x10. Seriously, even a 9-word "Delante, sorry I missed you. See you soon, DeAngelo" index card would still be framed on that kid's wall. What an ass. PICK: Houston

Indianapolis (-3 1/2) @ Tennessee. A couple months later, the Falcons - in a completely unrelated promotion - gave me two tickets to hand out as I saw fit. So Delante and his mom got to see Tom Brady at the Dome. (I'm now wondering why I didn't use them myself, which proves I used to be a much better person). PICK: Indianapolis

NY Jets (-1 1/2) @ Miami. PICK: NY Jets

Last week: 9-5-0
Overall: 36-26-0

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Four

2009-10-02T08:00:00.002-04:00

What happened to the Falcons last weekend is damned unfortunate.

Drive to the Atlanta airport, fly to Massachusetts, suit up for the game, go through pregame warmups - and then have the game cancelled at the last minute due to Boston freaking out over another Lite-Brite? I mean, they didn't even get to play the game, all because that awful cesspool of a city is full of spineless turds. The game didn't even happen.

Yeah, you f'ing hear me? It didn't happen.

The picks:

Oakland @ Houston (-8 1/2). A couple weeks ago, I compared JaMarcus Russell slightly favorably to Alex Smith, saying at least the Raiders QB isn't the worst first overall pick this decade. After three games, I'm taking it back. If Smith were suddenly starting for the Texans this week, the line would be almost as high - and my pick would be the same. PICK: Houston

Tennessee (-3) @ Jacksonville. A divisional matchup within my least favorite division in football, matching two teams with a combined record of 1-5. I had to take a Pulp Fiction-style heart injection just to be able to make this pick. (This is usually the kind of game gambling or fantasy sports can spur interest in. Gambling is out because the final score could end up 3-0, 49-48, or anything in-between. And fantasy is out because, Maurice Jones-Drew and Chris Johnson aside, nobody owns any Titans or Jaguars). PICK: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ New England (-2). So I'm waiting to read the first "Joe Flacco is better than Matt Ryan" story. Honestly, I'm a little surprised it hasn't been written yet - because the case can be made, my friends. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade Matty Ice for, uh, Joey Flack any day of the week, but this is going to be an interesting battle for many years. If the Ravens win this game, expect the storyline to debut on Monday. PICK: Baltimore

Cincinnati (-6) @ Cleveland. PICK: Cincinnati

Seattle @ Indianapolis (-10). PICK: Indianapolis

NY Giants (-8 1/2) @ Kansas City. The worst thing about Atlanta's bye week is that I miss my seat buddies. Particularly this guy, who brings a certain joie de vivre to every game.

I just wish I could remember his name. PICK: NY Giants

Detroit @ Chicago (-10). Last week's story was cute, as everybody treated the Lions like they had just won a Special Olympics gold medal. But it doesn't continue in Soldier Field. PICK: Chicago

Tampa Bay @ Washington (-7 1/2). Sorry, but are the Redskins good enough to be favored by a touchdown over anyone? I'm counting college teams in this as well. PICK: Tampa Bay

NY Jets @ New Orleans Saints (-7). "Go Jets." Now, the Listerine. PICK: NY Jets

Buffalo (-1) @ Miami. So yeah, I hoped the Falcons wouldn't draft Matt Ryan. I was wrong. For once. Instead, I pushed Atlanta to take "either Joe Flacco or Chad Henne." Well, the storylines of Ryan and Flacco are well-cemented; this game may start Chad Henne's. The Dolphins, who famously passed over Ryan, will be starting Henne on Sunday. And if he's a bust, Miami fans will be charting Matty Ice with vomit-inducing regularity for years to come. PICK: Miami

St. Louis @ San Francisco (-9 1/2). So, my god, Year One. Never been a huge Jack Black fan, and Michael Cera's one-note is wearing as well - but it's from the director of Caddyshack, National Lampoon's Vacation and Groundhog Day. With Paul Rudd, David Cross and the yes-one-note-but-not-worn-out Christopher Mintz-Plasse in supporting roles. The producers of "The Office." And what does all of that talent equal? One laugh. Really, no exaggeration. One laugh. And even then, it's a stupid Jack Black gag about jumping off a roof with not enough rope, something that's usually the worst joke in stuff these guys create. How does that happen? How do so many talented people come together and produce such a big dump? Hollywood's version of the Washington Redskins, I guess. (Bringin' it back to football with a zinger!). PICK: St. Louis

Dallas (-3) @ Denver. Vegas still thinks Dallas is pretty good. Huh. PICK: Denver

San Diego @ Pittsburgh (-6). Earlier this year, my dad's Decatur, GA street was partially shut down because of a movie filming a block away. I did some quick internet research, and found it was a zombie movie starring Woody Harrelson and the chick from Little Miss Sunshine. I mean, stupid, right? Straight-to-video, obviously. So I didn't even bother walking the 50 yards to the set and at least take a peek. Here we sit a few months later, and I can't freaking wait to see Zombieland. I mean, dude, that movie looks The Tit. Ten years ago, I would have clawed my way into an extra job, which is how I ended up on the Scream 2 set and on-screen in Remember the Titans. But no, an actually cool movie filming two minutes away in which I could have theoretically been A ZOMBIE, and I shrugged it off to probably go home and play Madden. Goddammit. PICK: Pittsburgh

Green Bay @ Minnesota (-3 1/2). There exists an ever-growing list, with a simple heading at the top: "Reasons you're an asshole." If you agree with anything on it, you can be most assured you are, incontrovertibly, an asshole. The latest entry, marked #65,693, is "You're rooting for the Vikings to beat the Packers." (For the record, I am an asshole with flying colors, but not nearly enough of one to pull for Brett Favre in this game). PICK: Green Bay

Last week: 9-7-0
Overall: 27-21-0

Quarter Back: September 1984

2009-09-29T23:50:00.005-04:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

The year's Best Picture and Best Actress winners would emerge in September 1984, but this month is notable for absolutely nothing else. It's a wasteland, to the point that nearly half the titles are currently unavailable on DVD.

The two movies highlighted below were not my first choices. A perfect world would have presented me with The Bear, starring Gary freakin' Busey as Bear freakin' Bryant. It would have been much more fun, not to mention timely with football in full swing. But nope, unavailable.

The Evil That Men Do? Out of print.

The River Rat? Nope.

The Wild Life? Despite being written by Cameron Crowe, it can't be found.

Ninja III: The Domination, starring the white chick from Breakin' as A NINJA? No, but Netflix did kindly offer me Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III and 3 Ninjas as alternatives. Dammit.

Featured Movies

Country
Seen it before?: No.
Release date: September 28, 1984
Actors: Jessica Lange, Sam Shepard, Wilford Brimley
Director: Richard Pearce (No Mercy, Leap of Faith)
Box office: $9.6 million (#82 in 1984)

"Farmers' rights" was a hot political cause in the mid-'80s, as the government began foreclosing on property that had been in families for generations. The stories of displaced workers particularly interested actress Jessica Lange, who enlisted the help of partner Sam Shepard to highlight the issue.

So yeah, Country is sorta boring.

I imagine it actually works better 25 years later than it did at time of release, because the film serves as a time capsule. It paints what appears to be a completely accurate portrayal of the time, and more importantly, treats its characters with respect. They may live in "flyover country," but there's not one square dance, deer hunt, Civil War reenactment, or any other Hollywood cliche of what country folk are like.

The meat of the story, though, is just a little too black-and-white. Farmers are good, bankers are bad! But when the film seems to suggest Shepard's character isn't that good a farmer, I'm thinking, "Well then, should the bank keep propping him up when he's not repaying his debts?"

Sidenote: In his recently published diaries (an awesome read, no matter your political beliefs), Ronald Reagan actually highlighted the film as "propaganda." I'm not educated enough on the issue to pass judgment on that either way. Grade: C+

All of Me
Seen it before?: Not since the '80s.
Release date: September 21, 1984
Actors: Steve Martin, Lily Tomlin, Victoria Tennant
Director: Carl Reiner (The Jerk, The Man With Two Brains, Summer School)
Box office: $36.4 million (#23 in 1984)

The final of Steve Martin and Carl Reiner's four collaborations was a showcase for the actor, trying to bridge his "wild and crazy guy" persona with that of a serious performer. And it worked, I guess - but that doesn't mean the movie lives up to its overblown reputation.

Quick synopsis: Lily Tomlin is a dying millionaire, and upon death has her soul accidentally transferred into Steve Martin's body. So Lily controls one half of his body, Steve controls the other half. Wackiness ensues.

Of course, Martin pulls off the physical comedy with seeming ease, but that doesn't excuse the flimsy premise. It's a middling "Saturday Night Live" sketch stretched to feature length, and not worth the efforts of the people involved. Grade: C

Other films 25 years old this month:

Amadeus - The eventual 1984 Best Picture winner, and one of the more deserving honorees of the decade. Years ago, I was assigned to substitute teach a high school music class. Every single class, for three straight days, was assigned to watch this movie. I never got tired of it, and if I'm not remembering this too romantically, the usually jaded kids enjoyed it as well.

The Bear - No, not the nature flick about an actual bear from the early '90s, but Gary Busey donning the houndstooth as the legendary Alabama coach. And yeah, unavailable on DVD, which is a crime against sobriety.

Body Rock - Lorenzo Lamas struts his stuff in this dance drama, in the vein of classics such as Beat Street and Breakin'. I'll be honest - I didn't even check to see if this was available on Netflix. I don't like you people nearly that much.

The Brother From Another Planet - Writer/director John Sayles delivered this immigration parable about an alien who crashlands on - wait for it - Ellis Island. Heavy.

The Evil That Men Do - One day, a book will be written about Charles Bronson's output in the '80s. There must have been some shady international tax shenanigans going on. He starred in eight films between 1983 and 1989, and only two cracked $10 million at the box office (this one and Death Wish III, both barely). Somebody was presumably losing fistfuls of cash, and yet wretched titles such as Assassination and Messenger of Death kept getting pumped out despite zero interest stateside. I assume Bronson was more popular internationally than here, but could it have been by that wide a margin?

Exterminator II - The film's IMDB page has a telling comment: "Probably inspired by Michael Jackson's video 'Beat It.'" Which, in my mind, translates to "Why the holy hell haven't I seen this?"

Heartbreakers - Obviously not the 2001 Jennifer Love Hewitt comedy, but a Peter Coyote flick about two friends who fall for the same woman. I'm pretty sure that concept wasn't even close to original in 1984.

Impulse - A toxic spill causes small town residents to lose all inhibitions and give in to their basest instincts. Starring Hume Cronyn. Ok, it sounded good for a second.

Irreconcilable Differences - E.T. cutie Drew Barrymore files for divorce from her parents (Shelley Long and Ryan O'Neal). And a young Sharon Stone shows her boobs. That's about the only part I remember, to be honest.

Ninja III: The Domination - Again, it's the white chick from Breakin' as a ninja! How awesome. This title always confused me as a kid, because there were no movies simply called Ninja and Ninja II. It turns out this is a continuation of Enter the Ninja and Revenge of the Ninja, with the common link being actor Sho Kosugi. Even though his character's name is different in each film. So, yeah - I'm still confused.

Places in the Heart - The Best Actress winner mentioned above. Sally Field earned her second Oscar in this farming drama - so yes, while 1998 had the battle of asteroids-hitting-Earth movies, 1984 had the battle of female-driven farm dramas. Possibly the only '80s vs. '90s battle in which the latter decade emerges victorious. (Field's Oscar win here, incidentally, produced the infamous "You like me! You really like me!" speech).

The River Rat - Tommy Lee Jones stars as an ex-con who bonds with his daughter while building a boat together - but leave it up to a shady warden (Brian Dennehy, in-between shady sheriff roles) to throw a wrench in those plans! Bum-bum-bummmm!

A Soldier's Story - A racially charged whodunit, mostly known for putting Denzel Washington on the map.

Until September - When Karen Allen recently appeared at Atlanta's DragonCon sci-fi convention, I wonder how many people asked her about this Paris-set romance co-starring Thierry Lhermitte? HUNDREDS, probably. (Well, it was from the director of Return of the Jedi. No, I'm actually serious about that part.)

The Warrior and the Sorceress - A Conan the Barbarian knockoff, starring - get this - David Carradine. And proclaimed to be a remake of - no really, get this - Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo. I'll let IMDB describe: "The mighty warrior, Kain, crosses the barren wastelands of the planet Ura, where two arch enemies, Zeg and the evil degenerate Balcaz, fight incessantly for control of the village's only well." I'm actually devastated this isn't available on Netflix.

The Wild Life - This was basically an attempt to recreate Fast Times at Ridgemont High two years later. Fast Times producer Art Linson directed, Fast Times screenwriter Cameron Crowe wrote the script, Fast Times actor Eric Stoltz starred. Since you probably haven't seen it, can't quote a single line, or name a single character, I don't have to tell you if it was successful or not.

Windy City - John Shea and Kate Capshaw star in this couples dramedy set in - damn, I forget.

Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Three

2009-09-25T11:00:00.001-04:00

I'm going to pretend I'm posting this picture for a deeper purpose, and not because it makes me pee myself laughing.

We all knew this was coming. I said as much last April, in a post that's top-to-bottom looking damn prescient so far. Call it fate, call it destiny - but it was certain from the start.

I'm predicting the Atlanta Falcons will beat the New England Patriots.

Right, I know - you're shocked. There's a rub, though. While last year I would've had a twinge of "look, I'm making another outlandish prediction, har-har," this time I actually mean it. I really do think the Falcons will emerge victorious, that a second-year QB can face Tom Brady and come out a winner. Hell, a rookie QB just did it a few days ago. And I'm not the only one; Sports Illustrated's Peter King and ESPN's Mike Golic, among others, are also foreseeing an Atlanta victory. And I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that.

Let's travel back in time - not too long, just about 13 months. New England was riding into the 2008 season having gone 16-0 in their previous incarnation, losing only the Super Bowl on what can generously be called a fluke catch. Atlanta was shaking off the stench of Michael Vick, Joey Harrington and Bobby Petrino, and not supposed to win more than a couple of games the entire season. Yet just a year later, those same Falcons are only four-point dogs to the mighty Pats in Foxboro. I wish I could go back and bet on that.

Atlanta is looking up, the Patriots are looking wobbly, and the timing couldn't be better. Falcons 31, Patriots 27.

The picks:

Cleveland @ Baltimore (-13). My fantasy team is in trouble, guys. Save your wailing and teeth-gnashing, though; me and the boys are 2-0. But I'm starting Baltimore's Willis McGahee this week. Mario Manningham. DeAngelo Hall. It's like all jazzercise up in h'yuh, as much stretching as I'm doing. Without some longshots paying off, I'm looking at a severely disappointing season. Which, of course, means I'll lose a game. PICK: Baltimore

Jacksonville @ Houston (-3 1/2). You know what's even less surprising than my picking Atlanta over New England? That X-Men Origins: Wolverine sucked. I finally saw it this week through the power of Netflix, and it was such a shoddy effort - bad effects, rushed plot, a couple good ideas introduced and discarded. And then (spoiler alert, spoiler alert, spoiler alert) the main character just forgets everything than happened? Because he gets shot with a "special" bullet? As they say in Patriot country, and as they are in Patriot country - how retahded. PICK: Houston

Washington (-6) @ Detroit. Burn me 'Skins, and this is what you get: On Sunday, Matthew Stafford will lead the Detroit Lions to their first victory in two years. Nope, not just a cover, not just a moral victory - but a full-fledged, we-scored-more-points-than-you-did, capital-w Win. And really, who's going to waste breath arguing this, after Washington eked out a 9-7 win over the Rams, a team actually worse than everybody thought? Other than a couple of Snyderholic tailgate compadres, that is. (So I wrote that on Tuesday - before everybody and their fucking brother made the same upset pick. Eh, stickin' with it anyway). PICK: Detroit

San Francisco @ Minnesota (-6 1/2). PICK: Minnesota

Atlanta @ New England (-4 1/2). Weather reports are saying there's a 90% chance of rain at gametime. Normally, this would be a marked disadvantage to a dome team, but the Patriots have zero run game. If the attack has to shift to the ground and out of Tom Brady's hands, Michael Turner and Co. will eat 'em up. PICK: Atlanta

Green Bay (-6 1/2) @ St. Louis. I'm in this "Suicide" fantasy league, in which you have to pick one winner every week. Not against the spread, just a straight up call of one team that will emerge victorious. One wrong call and you're out, and the last man standing takes all the glory. Well, I lasted an entirety of two weeks, trusting the Packers to take care of business against the shuffling Bengals. So that was fun. PICK: Green Bay

NY Giants (-6 1/2) @ Tampa Bay. PICK: NY Giants

Kansas City @ Philadelphia (-?). As of Friday morning, the Gambling Wizards hadn't released a spread for this one - which is a bit odd, as the game's starting QBs (Matt Cassel, Kevin Kolb) have been known for awhile. But hey, the debut of Michael Vick in a green uniform can throw anything into a tizzy. I'll try to update this later with a pick against the actual spread, but for now let's just assume Eagles (-7). PICK: Philadelphia

Tennessee @ NY Jets (-2 1/2). PICK: NY Jets

Chicago (-2) @ Seattle. PICK: Chicago

New Orleans (-6) @ Buffalo. The recent rains in Atlanta have caused me to reflect on what the brave residents of New Orleans must have gone through in 2004. The rising waters, the lowering spirits, the lost dreams. My God, it is still so powerful. And hilarious. PICK: Buffalo

Pittsburgh (-4) @ Cincinnati. Ugh, the Atlanta Braves are so frustrating. After an August rollercoaster of they're done/they're back/they're done/they're back, I finally bid adieu to Major League Baseball when they were swept at home by the Reds - the Cincinnati Reds - earlier this month. It conveniently coincided with football's kickoff (and my fantasy baseball team's disappearance), so all was good. But as Al Pacino so famously said, in Gigli or Simone or something, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull on my dick and make me go all 'ooh'." Suddenly, Atlanta sits at 3.5 games back, with a schedule chock full o' Nationals to end the season. And I'm starting to care again. Dammit. PICK: Cincinnati

Denver (-1 1/2) @ Oakland. Everything's telling me the Broncos should roll - but this line opened at Oakland favored by 2 1/2, and swung wildly on Tuesday - meaning everybody is betting Denver. Know which way to run when that happens. PICK: Oakland

Miami @ San Diego (-6). PICK: Miami

Indianapolis @ Arizona (-2 1/2). PICK: Indianapolis

Carolina @ Dallas (-8 1/2). As my friends love to point out, I whiffed on predicting Matt Ryan's dominance. Thank God I have people like Tony Romo, who I've called a scrub since day one, to pick me up. PICK: Carolina

Last week: 10-6-0
Overall: 18-14-0

Wishing Wells

2009-09-21T21:08:00.005-04:00

Oh man, this is amazing. Seven minutes of bliss, for a pop culture dork like myself.

From 1940, a discussion between Orson Welles and H.G. Wells, mentioning the then-recent radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds," World War II, and the film Welles is working on - a little something called Citizen Kane.

H/T: Wells (really).

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Two

2009-09-17T17:19:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite people. And Tony Gonzalez!

There was a particularly enjoyable string of plays in last Sunday's Atlanta Falcons/Miami Dolphins matchup.

Halfway through the third quarter, Dolphins QB Chad Pennington skipped back, targeting Anthony Fasano on his right. Just before the ball reached its target, linebacker Mike Peterson stepped in, made the interception and rumbled 39 yards into Miami territory. Three plays later, Matt Ryan found Tony Gonzalez for six points.

Three Falcons involved there: Peterson, Ryan, Gonzalez. Before Sunday, three guys with a total of 17 Falcons games between them - all from Ryan's rookie season. Three guys who never called Michael Vick a teammate, who never called Bobby Petrino "coach." Three guys who are the work of general manager Thomas Dimitroff, a guy so good I barely flinched after he recently cut two of my favorite players (DJ Shockley, Thomas Brown). At this point, if the 'Troff makes a decision, I'm assuming it's the right one.

I've said it before, I'll definitely say it again: having a general manager smarter than me is a welcome addition to Falcons fandom. (I'm still pissed about taking WR Jammi German - he of the 20 catch career - before Hines Ward in the 1998 draft.)

The picks:

Oakland @ Kansas City (-3). Two 0-1 teams that nevertheless looked better than expected last weekend. Well, better than most expected, because (cue high-pitched voice) someone said the Chiefs would surprise. (Notice how 90% of these columns are me cherry-picking past pseudo-glorys? That will never change.) PICK: Kansas City

Houston @ Tennessee (-6 1/2). As of last week's Tennessee/Pittsburgh game, I am officially sold on Twitter. I kicked off the NFL regular season on my couch, phone in one hand, Firefly tallboy in the other. As the game progressed, I kept updating my Twitter app, and it provided a bizarre sense of insight. Journalists like Peter King, Chris Mortensen and Adam Schefter were constantly weighing in, as were players like Chad Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. So for the next night game, be sure to follow @joshmassey1 - I try to invent one new curse word an hour. PICK: Houston

New England (-3 1/2) @ NY Jets. Like all non-assholes nationwide, I was pissed after New England's come-from-behind win on Monday night. Leodis McKelvin, a pox on you and yours. But there was a monster silver lining embedded beneath Tom Brady's fuckbaggery: the Patriots might not be that good this year. Brady looked shaky, which is understandable; however, the rest of the team seemed to tremble as well, which is uncharacteristic. Maybe, just maybe, their defensive losses and total lack of running game will black hole their asses, collapsing them on top of themselves. At the very least, I'm hoping it takes a few weeks for them to regain form, just long enough for Atlanta's 9/27 Foxboro visit to end in an upset. (But give me a break with Brady not beating Sanchez by more than 3 1/2). PICK: New England

Cincinnati @ Green Bay (-9). PICK: Cincinnati

Minnesota (-10) @ Detroit. If Asher Allen picks off Matthew Stafford, I just might cry. (Tears of joy, mind you.) PICK: Detroit

New Orleans @ Philadelphia (PICK). One of the problems with holding season tickets is having to miss other great games. Like this one, with a hobbled Philly O against a swiss cheese New Orleans D, and a stout Philly D battling a fire-fighting New Orleans O. I'm siding with the defensive strength on this one, because 1) Kolb/Garcia should be able to pilot the Eagles just enough, and 2) I hate the f'ing Saints. PICK: Philadelphia

Carolina @ Atlanta (-6). Last week, I tailgated all day Saturday for UGA/South Carolina, spent the night in Athens, and went straight to the Georgia Dome for Atlanta/Miami. Around the third quarter, my neighbor turned and said "Y'all sure are quiet." Now here comes the test: was I quiet because of exhaustion, or was I quiet because everybody around me was a drunk fuckbag? The guy to my left does shots straight from a whiskey bottle every time the Falcons score (he offered, we declined). The guys to my right think they're hilarious, and that everybody within 50 feet deserve to hear their jokes. The guy two rows in front of my wears a Falcons jersey with "Crazylarry" on the back - and, well, Crazy Larry is kind of awesome. I like Crazy Larry. So will I become Crazy Josh this week with a more restful Saturday? Or will I realize I need to step up and get lower level seats next year, where the boring people tend to sit? PICK: Atlanta

From last week's game. NOT lower level seats.

St. Louis @ Washington (-9 1/2). Put a little faith in the Redskins, and last week's turd is what I get. In related news, I think there's a good chance the Supreme Court forces Washington to change its mascot (while I don't mind changing the mascot, I hate this kind of government intrusion). So what would the new name be? Bring back the Washington Senators, football version? Washington Freedom (gay)? Maybe the Washington Generals is fitting, as they always get spanked by New York teams. What about the Washington Snyders? You know he's thinking about it. PICK: St. Louis

Arizona @ Jacksonville (-3). Patrick Swayze, man. That actually sucks. Celebrity deaths don't really bother me that much - I mean, I worshipped Michael Jackson as a kid, but didn't really feel anything when he went. But Swayze always seemed like a truly nice guy, a dude who saw superstardom for a few years, but still remained married to his high school sweetheart until his last breath. And plus, the dude starred in Red Dawn, Road House and Point Break, three of the best "guy movies" of all time. (I'll forgive him Dirty Dancing.) PICK: Arizona

Seattle @ San Francisco (-1 1/2). Another death this week got swept under the Swayze rug a bit: Henry Gibson. Older folks best remember him for "Laugh In," but the images that popped in my head were the Illinois Nazi from The Blues Brothers, and the creepy neighbor in The 'Burbs. Of course, at this time it is most fitting to highlight his brief work in 1977's The Kentucky Fried Movie.

PICK: Seattle

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo (-5). PICK: Buffalo

Cleveland @ Denver (-3). Did anybody enjoy Jay Cutler's Sunday implosion more than Denver fans? PICK: Denver

Baltimore @ San Diego (-3). "My name is Peaches, and I'm the best. All the DJs want to feel my breasts." Sorry, that Coming to America rap has nothing to do with this game - it has just been stuck in my head for the last hour. And no, I don't know why. PICK: Baltimore

Pittsburgh (-3) @ Chicago. Fantasy football update, because you care: So I'm a little nervous about the quarterback situation. Mr. Jay Cutler did not, er, cut it in Week One, throwing four picks to only one touchdown. My backup Carson Palmer only had two picks, but zero TDs. I believe it's tradin' time, because I have too much self-respect to go with free agents Matt Sanchez or Jeff Garcia. (I did win the first game, though - making it 21 months since my last loss. Bitches). PICK: Chicago

NY Giants @ Dallas (-3). Yeah, yeah, Tony Romo looked good last week, enough to make enough media guys, network execs, and top-heavy singers to collectively shit. But I'm pretty sure I could start at QB against Tampa Bay and come away with similar numbers. Let's see you do it this week, Ponyboy. PICK: NY Giants

Indianapolis (-3) @ Miami. The Colts are on the verge of signing Hank Baskett this week, and I would love - love - to see Baskett's wife, "Girls Next Door" star Kendra Wilkinson, interact with Peyton Manning. PICK: Miami

Last week: 8-8-0
Overall: 8-8-0

Aiding and A'Betting: Week One

2009-09-10T19:04:00.005-04:00

Heh-heh.

Last year, my NFL picks column was called "Betcha Bottom Dollar," which is the gayest name possible for a football post. I mean, it's pretty much an Annie reference. But now - we're all man.

"Aiding and A'Betting." Cops and robbers shit, right? "Aiding" because I'm helping you win money ... by "a'betting" on football! Get it? Man, if blog titles had dicks, "Aiding and A'Betting" would have a huge one.

And as far as the "aiding" part goes, I promise to get back to that this year. My 2008 picks proved a little lacking, as I ended 10 games under .500. The year before, 12 games under. In 2006 - well, in 2006, I was eleven games OVER. So we're steering our ship back to the olden days when The Departed ruled at the box office and James Blunt dominated the airwaves!

Journey back with me, won't you?

The picks:

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh (-5). The Super Bowl champ opens the season at home, as tradition dictates. Tradition also continues to dictate the Titans being the most boring "good" team in professional football; you'll have to bet on this game to be awake in the 4th quarter. Seriously, Tennessee is a team predicted by most to be playoff-calibre, but can you name five guys on it? PICK: Pittsburgh

Miami @ Atlanta (-4). Aww yeah, bitches - the Falcons begin their Super Bowl run right here. Saturday will be spent tailgating for the UGA/South Carolina game, and after crashing in Athens that night, I'll drive straight to the Georgia Dome for this one. If I'm still alive for the post-game celebration, my liver will have become a cyborg (not sure exactly what that means, but I love the word "cyborg"). PICK: Atlanta

Kansas City @ Baltimore (-12 1/2). Ray Rice, baby! If you're unfamiliar, s'ok - but you will be reading that name a lot in this space, as he's my fantasy football team's super-duper sleeper running back. This seems as good a place as any to rehash my historic fantasy football run of 2008, in which I went undefeated in the regular and post-season (after taking insta-injured Tom Brady in the first round). It helped that I had many names who ended up being early '09 picks - Michael Turner, Steve Slaton, DeAngelo Williams, Aaron Rodgers, Reggie Wayne, Patrick Willis, etc. This year's squad lacks the starpower, as I choked a bit and ending up with a mediocre two-headed Cutler/Palmer monster at QB, and an iffy but high-ceiling RB corps (Steven Jackson, Rice, Donald Brown). The defense and WRs (Fitzgerald, Smith, Royal) should carry me to a third straight champio - wait, are you still reading this? Seriously? What's wrong with you? PICK: Kansas City

Philadelphia (-2) @ Carolina. I hate when teams play the "disrespected" card, but what the hell? The Panthers had an awful playoff game, but at least it came after a 12-win season. And now they find themselves home dogs to an Eagles team that doesn't even have Michael Vick yet? Oh, right - Delhomme. It sorta makes sense. PICK: Philadelphia

Denver @ Cincinnati (-4). I really need to start watching the backlog of "Hard Knocks" on my DVR. PICK: Denver

Minnesota (-4) @ Cleveland. And here is 2009's debut "WTF" spread. I'm not sold on Brett Favre regaining his Pro Bowl form, but there's no way the Browns should stay in this one. They'll (allegedly) be starting Brady Quinn behind a horrible O-line, be running Jamal Lewis at a stacked d-line, and have to contend with Adrian Peterson. Of course, this means bet heavy on the Browns, because Vegas knows something I don't. But it's only Week One, so I haven't learned that lesson yet. PICK: Minnesota

NY Jets @ Houston (-4 1/2). As one of my favorite pastimes is reveling in the destruction of media-anointed idols (see Romo, Tony), I'm going to enjoy any Mark Sanchez flops out of the gate. This should be Round 1 in that department. PICK: Houston

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-7). The Colts are looking for their eighth straight 10-win seasons, which is pretty sick in this era of parity (they're only behind San Francisco's 16 straight in the record books). I called them to get 10 wins a couple weeks ago, but I've been mentally downgrading them every day since. Manning and Co. could end up 13-3, or 6-10, and I'd actually believe any scenario in-between right now. If they can't handle a depleted Jags squad, the season will be a long one. PICK: Jacksonville

Detroit @ New Orleans (-13). Well, my three-year streak of rooting for Matthew Stafford continues here, as I'd love New Orleans to start the season in the loss column. That said ... PICK: New Orleans

Dallas (-6) @ Tampa Bay. This season is going to have its fun moments - Vick's debut, Favre in Green Bay, Roddy White's 35 touchdowns. None, though, may be more fundamentally satisfying than seeing the Cowboys struggle. Instead of spending $1 billion on a new stadium, owner Jerry Jones should have invested in a new quarterback, one that's not the Jeff George of the 21st century. How quickly will the media turn, though? (Dallas probably wins this, but it will be embarrassingly close). PICK: Tampa Bay

San Francisco @ Arizona (-6). I hate to praise a Red Sox fan, but Bill Simmons delivered one of his best columns today. It captures the absurdity of this NFL season in lengths that only a paid columnist could go to (seriously, I could make this column hella better with some Paypal donations). PICK: Arizona

Washington @ NY Giants (-6 1/2). As my opinion of the Colts are waning, the aura around the Redskins is getting a little brighter. I'm not ready to call a Super Bowl win, but if there's a big upset this weekend, look no further. PICK: Washington

St. Louis @ Seattle (-8 1/2). PICK: St. Louis

Chicago @ Green Bay (-3 1/2). My fantasy QB (Jay Cutler) vs. the fantasy QB I desperately wanted (Aaron Rodgers). I'll feel a whole lot better about this season if Cutler comes through here. PICK: Green Bay

Buffalo @ New England (-10 1/2). Smells a bit like a 42-10 schmacking. PICK: New England

San Diego (-9) @ Oakland. I'm looking at a list of top overall draft picks from the last decade. After getting over that eight drafts have passed since the Falcons took Vick, I realize JaMarcus Russell owes Alex Smith a huge debt o' grat - without Smith, Russell would take the title of "worst top pick of the 21st century." Even David Carr had the excuse of playing for an expansion team. And to think, the Raiders could have selected Calvin Johnson, Joe Thomas, LaRon Landry, Adrian Peterson, Patrick Willis - yikes. PICK: San Diego

Overall: 0-0-0

Walk hard

2009-09-09T18:24:00.004-04:00

I think I've just decided on my tailgating drink of choice. Because this. Is. Awesome.

H/T: Hollywood Elsewhere.

Hell and Hunt

2009-09-08T16:00:00.002-04:00

So that didn't take long.

Over the weekend, some juicy Rambo tidbits leaked out, including the new film's title. In 2011, Rambo V: The Savage Hunt will appear from a wall of mud, implant a steel knife into our collective bosom, drizzle blood upon our pantaloons - and we will giggle at the awesomeness of it all. (The cheap Photoshop job above was created to publicize the film at this week's Toronto Film Festival.)

Of course, I would expect a name change before the film hits theaters. The last entry was called Rambo IV, Rambo IV: In the Serpent's Eye, Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra and John Rambo, before being released as just Rambo. So accordingly, expect something like Ram. Or Bo.

From the sounds of multiple online reports, the script is based on James Byron Huggins' 1999 novel "Hunter," which Stallone optioned years ago. A synopsis from Amazon:

In the near future, illegal medical experiments in Alaska have created this nearly indestructible creature of incredible cunning and savagery, who goes on a rampage through the ranks of the research stations. To cover their blunder, the government sends out an elite team of special-operations warriors, led by the title character, Nathaniel Hunter, a mountain man born out of time and the best tracker in the world. Meanwhile, U.S. marshals are on the trail of the secret and the cover-up, intervening in the action in an unexpected way.
So Variety's report of a Taken-like standoff between Rambo and Mexican druglords seems plucked out of thin air (or maybe, hope hope hope, that is Rambo VI they refer to). Either way, it seems Stallone is going ahead with what he discussed last year - an opportunity to take the character into a new genre. Because that sounds very science-fictiony to me.

Don't believe me, though. Believe Stallone, who tried to clarify the reports in a voicemail to Ain't It Cool's Harry Knowles. In fact, if that clarified anything to you, clue me in.

Sucker punch

2009-09-02T23:12:00.003-04:00

Oh Mr. Stallone, how you toy with my emotions.

Two days after the glorious, world-altering Rambo V announcement, Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables has been delayed from April 23rd to August 20th, 2010. (If you're unfamiliar with the film, punch yourself in the vag and read here, here, here and here.)

According to Variety, we pretty much have the irritatingly-titled-due-to-my-spelling-OCD Inglourious Basterds to thank for this. Quentin Tarantino's film proved a blood-drenched, male-driven action flick could thrive in the late summer, so Lionsgate decid - FUCK YOU, TARANTINO! DIE, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I HATE YOUR FACE!

Or maybe the delay will allow Stallone to make the film a little bit better, who knows? Like Michelangelo could have finished the Sistine Chapel and then the church dude was like, hey man, we're not having mass for three more weeks, and Michelangelo was like, ok, I guess I can add some blue over there, and now people are like, man, the use of blue right there is genius. So maybe that can happen to The Expendables.

Silver linings, man.

Five for fighting

2009-09-01T12:00:00.003-04:00

In the midst of a rough week, I can always count on my best friend to try and lift my spirits. One who has been with me from the beginning, one who always lends a helping hand, one who knows what I need to hear when I'm down.

Yes, I'm referring to Sylvester Stallone. Obviously. On Monday, Variety announced Rambo V is coming to a theater near me, sooner than expected.

Nu Image/Millennium Films has greenlit the franchise's fifth installment, with Sylvester Stallone starring and directing, repeating his duties from 2008's "Rambo."

The upcoming project's storyline revolves around Rambo fighting his way through human traffickers and drug lords to rescue a young girl abducted near the U.S.-Mexico border. Production will start in the spring.

Ok, that's not quite the way Stanicek described it last night. He led me to believe Rambo was actually sitting at the border, in a rocking chair or something, picking off illegal immigrants with a sniper rifle - which of course was much cooler. But I'll gladly take a hard-R, blood-soaked version of Taken, because Taken was pretty cool and Stallone is only about a million times more talented than Liam Neeson. Heh-heh, more like Liam Neesuck.

To say I'll be there opening night is a given; to say I'll be stalking the set if it's within two hours of my sister's Arizona house is another one. For now, I will wait patiently, and resort to figuring out the eventual title.

Rambo V.
Rambo: First Blood Part V.
Rambo III Part 3.
John Rambo.
John.
Rambo Kills The Mexis And Eats Their Tacos.

The possibilities are endless. And yet I will still come up with every one.

Facecrook

2009-08-20T12:12:00.006-04:00

Earlier today, CNN posted an article about "the 12 most annoying types of Facebookers."

The author comes up with various Facebook personas, including "the Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore," "The Bad Grammarian" and "The Sympathy-Baiters."

What an original idea. It makes me wish I'd thought of it. Nine months ago.

Update: Ok, so I got a link from CNN. Guess I have to spell it out - I don't actually think CNN ripped off a blog regularly read by a grand total of about 10 people (a generous estimate). Relax.

Holy trinity

2009-08-20T00:00:00.003-04:00

We have officially reached the point where a single utterance of the word "Expendables" means I have to change underwear: Bruce Willis is joining Sylvester Stallone's film, due next April.
The “Die Hard” star confirmed to MTV News that he is leaving time open on his schedule to shoot a cameo for “The Expendables,” the ultra-violent, star-studded action flick written/directed by and starring Sylvester Stallone. Sly is currently putting the finishing touches on the movie, which also stars Jason Statham, Jet Li and Mickey Rourke as mercenaries overthrowing a South American dictator. Willis said that the he will soon join Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger to shoot a very special scene for the flick.
So yeah, in what obviously will be the greatest single scene in movie history, John McClane will be standing beside John Rambo and The Terminator. Hey Orson Welles: fuck you.

To refresh, as I've written about here and here and here, Stallone is following his amazing Rambo with an throwback Dirty Dozen-type action flick. The cast is fashioned of action stars past and present - himself, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren and Randy Couture. With Schwarzenegger and Willis in cameos, which fills so many of my 1988-era fantasies. And 2009 ones, yes.

It hits theaters on April 23, 2010, a date I am actively trying to get Christmas moved to.

Speaking of Couture - well, I really didn't know who he was, but apparently he's a big Ultimate Fighting star. I can't think of anything I care about less about - but that said, put Expendables clips in your commercial, and I'll post it.

Calling the plays

2009-08-19T12:00:00.004-04:00

This is at least the third time I've used this picture. Because it's that good.

"I have never looked forward to a season this much." It has become a familiar refrain among Atlanta Falcons fans, and I couldn't agree more.

My anticipation, however, goes far beyond my team's sudden relevance. There are a swath of storylines that'll even keep Cleveland Browns fans tuned in until late in the season.

Michael Vick debuts for Philadelphia, including a game against his former team. Similarly, Brett Favre has two games against Green Bay, including a Week 4 Monday Night Football matchup. Tom Brady returns. Fights are breaking out among Oakland coaches. Tampa Bay's quarterback of the future is Argyle from Die Hard. Eli Manning attempts to live up to his "highest paid player" status. Tony Romo and Jake Delhomme undoubtedly find new ways to lose games. Peyton Manning goes it alone without brother-in-arms Marvin Harrison, Trent Edwards goes it with Terrell Owens.

Oh anticipation, I cut off a slice and you taste of cinnamon and dreams.

Here is Martians Attacking Indianapolis's official prediction of the 2009 season. Of course, this will only prove useful in the months to come, to reflect on and mock the glaring errors. I put myself out there for you, O Legion. Because I am ready for some football.

NFC East
1. NY Giants (12-4)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
3. Washington Redskins (8-8)
4. Dallas Cowboys (8-8)

Two of the year's best games are bound to be the Giants/Eagles matchups - more specifically, seeing New York's stupid-good defense up against what is bound to be, at the very least, an interesting Eagles offense. Washington will continue to tread water without a true franchise QB, and Dallas will flounder with a guy everybody thinks is a franchise QB - but isn't.

NFC North
1. Green Bay Packers (10-6)
2. Minnesota Vikings (9-7)
2. Chicago Bears (8-8)
4. Detroit Lions (3-13)

Yeah, that's right. While Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will improve, the Brett Favre experiment will be a failure (failure defined as "not making the playoffs"). And I'm not sold on Cutler's immediate success with Chicago. He goes from throwing to Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal to Devin Hester and a bunch of guys you've never heard of. Barring injury, Matt Stafford will start all 16 games for the Lions, and be immortalized for winning three more games than last year.

NFC West
1. Arizona Cardinals (9-7)
2. San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
3. Seattle Seahawks (7-9)
4. St. Louis Rams (3-13)

Just a bad, bad division. Arizona won't be as good as last year, but wins by default.

NFC South
1. Atlanta Falcons (10-6)
2. New Orleans Saints (9-7)
3. Carolina Panthers (9-7)
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-14)

Yes, the Falcons technically take a step back from last year's 11-win total. However, when you replace Kansas City, Oakland, Detroit and St. Louis with New England, Dallas, Philadelphia and both New York teams, it's a demonstrable success. And the rougher schedule will only benefit us (yes, us - I'm a season ticket holder) in the postseason. My own personal silver lining would be a division sweep, which Atlanta has never done.

NFC Playoff teams: Arizona, Atlanta (bye week), Green Bay, New Orleans, New York (bye week), Philadelphia.
NFC Championship Game: Eagles @ Falcons.

AFC East
1. New England (14-2)
2. Buffalo (10-6)
3. Miami (7-9)
4. NY Jets (6-10)

Tom Brady is back, and unfortunately, the Patriots are as well. For the record, right now I don't think one of those two Pats losses will be Atlanta's visit to Foxboro - but that doesn't mean I won't change my mind the week before. Miami is a sexy preseason pick, but they'll be out of playoff contention much earlier than expected (starting with an opening loss to Atlanta, naturally).

AFC North
1. Pittsburgh (13-3)
2. Baltimore (11-5)
3. Cincinnati (6-10)
4. Cleveland (2-14)

Pittsburgh and Baltimore will be one of the more interesting battles. Even coming off a Super Bowl win, I find the Steelers a bit overrated - but yeah, I'm still picking them to win 13. If the Ravens had any semblance of a receiving corps, I'd feel better about picking them as a surprise division winner. But alas.

AFC West
1. San Diego (9-7)
2. Kansas City (8-8)
3. Denver (7-9)
4. Oakland (3-13)

This is almost a twin to the NFC West - four teams battling to suck the least. The big reach here is obviously Kansas City. Nobody else outside of Missouri die-hards are expecting a .500 season, but I think this team can be a miniature Atlanta/Miami of '08. (And yet I think Matt Cassel will prove to be a overpaid bust. Can't explain it.)

AFC South
1. Indianapolis (10-6)
2. Houston (9-7)
3. Tennessee (9-7)
4. Jacksonville (7-9)

This will give the NFC South a run as the most hotly contested division, and yet I can't imagine anything more boring than a Indy/Houston/Tennessee horserace.

Playoff teams: Baltimore, Buffalo, Indianapolis, New England (bye week), Pittsburgh (bye week), San Diego.
AFC Championship Game: Pittsburgh @ New England.

Super Bowl: Atlanta v. New England.
Super Bowl Champion: Atlanta.

Duh. What the hell did you think I was going to say?

Whole food for thought

2009-08-14T23:07:00.003-04:00

My God, it's like somebody crawled into my brain, copied down my exact feelings about health care, then squeezed out a nostril and said, "I like what you're thinking, but I'm much smarter so I'm going to write it in my own words."

And it didn't even hurt.

First blood and 10

2009-08-14T13:00:00.002-04:00

"You know what you are. What you're made of. War is in your blood. Don't fight it. You didn't kill for your country. You killed for yourself. God's never gonna make that go away. When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing."

Photo illustration/awesome scrolldown reveal by DAve.

The last Georgia Bulldogs jersey I purchased was David Greene's #14, around 2002.

Since then, my gameday attire has been a steadily revolving collection of red polos, T-shirts, gaudy Hawaiian button-ups (retired just after my fiancee began tailgating, probably on her recommendation), and an Atlanta Falcons D.J. Shockley jersey gifted by said fiancee. And then there was apparently this. No idea about that one.

Well, it looks like the wardrobe needs an updatin'.

The Athens Banner-Herald reports:

With backup Quintin Banks out for at least three weeks with what coach Mark Richt said was cartilage damage to his right knee, redshirt freshman Bacarri Rambo has moved into a first-team spot along with Bryan Evans.

Bacarri Rambo, #18 in your program, #1 in your heart. And soon to be #18 on my chest, assuming I can find the jersey.

(For the link, a gracious tip of the helmet to Bobby.)

Quarter Back: August 1984

2009-08-10T07:30:00.007-04:00

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

"Fuck!"

And now, after just one word, this post has rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America. Or it would have been, if this blog were a movie. And if I wasn't actually telling you to fornicate, but using the word in a general exclamatory sense. Because that would garner an R. Seriously.

"I'm going to break your fucking neck!" That's PG-13.

"I'm going to break your neck and then fuck you!" That's R. And gross.

From the M.P.A.A. guidelines: "Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture's single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context."

These silly rules have been in place for 25 years today, as the PG-13 rating debuted on August 10, 1984 with John Milius' Red Dawn. (Really, The Flamingo Kid was the first movie to merit the designation, but it wouldn't see theaters until August.)

It was a direct response to increased adult situations in PG-rated films, and most of the parental complaints seemed directed at Steven Spielberg. Some of his films, particularly Jaws and Poltergeist, clearly weren't suitable for their youngest viewers. And the temperature really boiled in summer '84 with the openings of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Gremlins. The former showed a heart being ripped out of a body, the latter had creatures melting in microwaves while the heroine lamented the non-existence of Santa Claus.

The parents had a point.

In the past quarter century, PG-13 has become the go-to rating for big summer blockbusters, and adult franchises looking to widen their audience base (in the '80s, it was Vacation and Police Academy, more recently Die Hard and The Terminator). And its non-existence seems inconceivable now, realizing there was once only a single ratings step between Annie and Taxi Driver.

Featured Movies

Tightrope
Seen it before?: Nope.
Release date: August 17, 1984
Actors: Clint Eastwood
Director: Richard Tuggle (Out of Bounds)
Box office: $48.1 million (#13 in 1984)

Tightrope is nothing but a standard serial killer drama, but it adds a bit of flavor with a New Orleans setting and one Mr. Clint Eastwood. In his most interesting performance of the decade, Eastwood plays yet another cop, but one who pushes a hooker's face into his crotch in one scene, and pals around with his daughters in the next (one of them played by real-life offspring Alison, which must have led to some interesting family conversations).

That Eastwood could turn this dark, dour thriller into a hit speaks to his unrivaled popularity (seriously, look at his box office chart - the guy has been headlining successes for over 40 years, and his just pulled off his biggest hit at age 79). It's not even a good movie, but his presence alone convinces you otherwise. Grade: B-

Red Dawn
Seen it before?: Hell yes. And fuck you if you say otherwise.
Release date: August 10, 1984
Actors: Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey
Director: John Milius (Conan the Barbarian, Flight of the Intruder)
Box office: $38.4 million (#20 in 1984)

There were three movie moments that scared the boo-boo out of me as a kid. Number one was Jabba the Hutt. Couldn't handle the opening 20 minutes of Return of the Jedi at seven years old. Two, the clown in Poltergeist. The face ripping and pool corpses weren't a bother - just that damn clown. And third, and perhaps the topper of them all, the opening scene of Red Dawn.

It's your typical school day, scene: history class. Mid-lecture, men in parachutes begin to rain down outside of the window. Teacher walks out to see what's happening - and promptly gets gunned down, along with a number of students. It's the Russians! And Cubans!

This is one surrious movie. I'd really forgotten how unrelenting it is. The bullets start flying in Minute 2, and the bleakness doesn't end until the final, quasi-uplifting voiceover. Even Schindler's List had lighter moments to break the tension, but director Milius ain't playin' any of that faggot "humor" crap here. This is as straight-faced as any movie comes, a mean feat when you have C. Thomas Howell playing a guerilla warrior.

And oh man, the politics. Red Dawn finds time to espouse about gun rights, paint Europe as a bunch of pussies, and lament the openness of the U.S./Mexican border. It's truly a product of the Reagan years, and I can't imagine how the recently announced remake is going to adapt for the Obama era. Spoiler alert: it won't be nearly as good.

I realize that half of you are reading this as a slam, and the other half are putting it at the top of your Netflix queue right now. So please understand, when I say "Red Dawn is the kind of movie Tom Clancy masturbates to," know that it's A COMPLIMENT. Grade: B+

Other films 25 years old this month:

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension - Still heralded in geek circles, this bizarre sci-fi adventure starred Peter Weller as a rock star/brain surgeon/samurai who protects Earth against invaders from another dimension. It joins Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins and Supergirl as intended franchises that never got past Part One.

Bolero - "An Adventure in Ecstacy," or so says the poster. This cleaned up at the 1984 Razzies, winning Worst Actress (Bo Derek), Worst Director (John Derek), Worst New Star (Olivia d'Abo), Worst Screenplay, Worst Musical Score and, of course, Worst Picture.

Choose Me - Reading multiple plot synopses online, I can only figure out that this is an ensemble story about love. Not much to go on, I know. Genevieve Bujold, Keith Carradine and John Larroquette appear.

C.H.U.D. - A cheap creature feature about ghoulies living in the sewers. The title stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, just in case not knowing that would keep you up tonight.

Cloak and Dagger - Oh, how many times I saw this one. Henry Thomas (E.T.) is a video game-obsessed kid whose imaginary friend looks like Dabney Coleman (mine, incidentally, was a dead ringer for Wilford Brimley). Well, when evil plans fall into his hands, it's a race against - you get the idea. I'm assuming this one wouldn't hold up.

Dreamscape - I remember some giant snake man freaking me out, but not much else about this Dennis Quaid thriller. Don't even remember if "thriller" is the right word, actually.

Flashpoint - According to IMDB: "Two Texas border guards find a jeep buried for 20 years in the desert, with a skeleton, a scoped rifle, and a box with $800,000 in cash." Sounds like somebody should sue Cormac McCarthy's panties off.

Grandview U.S.A. - C. Thomas Howell and Patrick Swayze romance older woman Jamie Lee Curtis, which was probably more fun than killing Cubans in Red Dawn. Or fighting socs in The Outsiders. Geez, I hope those two got along.

Joy of Sex - Director Martha Coolidge was fired from this film for wanting to edit out all of the nude scenes. So you're filming a movie in the '80s, calling it Joy of Sex, and wanting to show zero boob? That deserves a firin', lady.

Oxford Blues - A year before St. Elmo's Fire, Rob Lowe and Ally Sheedy teamed up for this Oxford University-set rowing romance. Yes, you could actually call its a sports movie. The most wussy sports movie of all time, but a sports movie.

The Philadelphia Experiment - A military experiment sends two World War II sailors into 1984. With thrilling consequences, I'm sure. (I did see this one 20+ years ago, but can't remember anything but bodies stuck into a boat deck. I think. Am I right here?)

Sheena - Mom took my brother and sister to see this, but I couldn't go because I hadn't practiced piano that day. Seriously, I remember this very vividly. If only the rest of my childhood punishments had been of the "You can't see Sheena" variety.

The Woman In Red - Watching this, you realize how much the ratings board wanted to take PG-13 for a spin. This one had multiple f-words and full-frontal female nudity, yet somehow got the teen-friendly tag. Oh, for more innocent days.

Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

When "whipped" just won't cover it

2009-08-07T19:04:00.003-04:00

Josiah Neufeld made an unusual decision after he proposed to his fiancee. He would take his wife's last name, not the other way around.

I did it because I love Mona -- because I wanted her to know that I didn't expect her to become anyone other than herself. It mattered to me that we shared a name, so I reasoned I should be the one to offer mine up...

Mona told me afterward my choice made her feel loved.

And then Fark linked to his post. Message board hilarity.